OK, I thought this was so funny, I had to give it a go.  So here is my list...

Things you'll never hear me say :)

1.   Go ahead kids, y'all just fight it out.

2.   Whatever YOU think, I have no opinions of my own.

3.   No thank you, I'm not hungry.

4.   Housecleaning is my passion, my joy, my life. :)

5.   Sure, I'd love to hold your pet snake...lizard...bird...mouse...

6.   This has too much chocolate.

7.   Ah, 90% humidity and 102 degrees...how refreshing!

8.   I'm just too organized for my own good.

9.   Oh GOODY, time to balance the checkbook!

10. Awww, is it time to go to bed already???

I can't remember the last time I saw the bottom of my clothes hamper.

I can't remember the last time my house 'passed inspection.'

I can't remember...what I was going to type next.

I knew a gal who was such an meticulous housekeeper that it was said you could eat off her floors...big deal!  You can eat off my floors too...'cause there's food down there. :D

I knew a gal who scrubbed her baseboards with a toothbrush.  I always wanted to know if her husband knew this...and if he realized that baseboard day usually followed a night that he didn't come home on time.  Guess whose toothbrush?

I knew a gal who said that ironing clothes was therapeutic...I thought she should seek professional counseling, m'self. 

A good friend is someone who knows everything about you, and loves you anyway:  one of mine sent me a Garfield comic that shows Jon saying 'this house is a mess, we should do something about it.' Garfield's reply?  "Do what I do...close your eyes!"

I heard this story recently:

A well-meaning grandma offered some peanuts to her grandson's playmate;  she knew her grandson was allergic to them.  The grandson, however, thought she was offering him the offensive nuts.  With all the drama of a 3-year-old, he put his hands on his hips, looked incredulously at his grandma, and said, "You KNOW I'm awwergic to peanuts; are you trying to do me in???"

Recently, the teenage daughter of a friend went on an overseas mission trip.  Trying to reassure the mom, we've all been praying and encouraging her.  The children have been trying to help as well.  One well-meaning little cutie said, "Oooo guess what?  I've been praying for your daughter while she's gone to Africa."  My friend, amazed by the child's support and compassion, thanked her for her prayers and told her what a big help that was.  The child went on to 'help' by saying, "Yep, I been praying that she don't get dead over there, 'cause you know some places KILL people when they come to teach 'em 'bout Jesus!"

I'm not sure she still felt comforted after that!