A Work in Progress

What do we deserve?

{ 03:38, Friday, January 12, 2007 } { 1 comments } { Link }

Expectations. Oh how many we all hold. It's been my experience that women either hold the most or they are more visibly disappointed when those expectations are not met. How do I know that? First of all I am a woman. Second of all, it came shining through this morning. More on that last one later.

It seems to me that expectations come out of thinking that we deserve something.

At 3 a.m. when Mr. Bubbers wakes me up crying and wanting to either be fed or rocked back to sleep I am not too happy about it. Why should I have my precious sleep interrupted? Why can't he just fall back asleep and leave me alone? Maybe I should be asking myself a different question. Why should I get to be greeted by a bright, beautiful, sweet smile every morning after he wakes up? Why sould I get to hear him talking to his mobile as I write this in his precious baby talk? Why should I get to feel his soft, sweet, pudgy little fingers wrap around mine as he plays with his mommy? Why should I get to smell his sweet baby perfume as I hold him close to my face and kiss his sweet baby cheeks? Why do I deserve a healthy baby? Why do I deserve such a gift? The answer - I don't. I don't deserve a single second of his precious babiness in my life. If he were to fall ill and die tomorrow it should be no shock to me. But it would be.

I have been struggling to lose the way too many pregnancy pounds that I packed on while carrying Mr. Bubbers. It gets frustrating and sometimes I think why can't I just be one of those women with a really fast metabolism who never has to worry about her weight. Do I deserve to be healthy? No. God is teaching me something with my struggles. Self discipline is one of them. The heavy realization that I am not focused enough on Him in my daily routines is another. God is the only one who can make me healthy, but at the same time I must be obedient.

So this morning... My longsuffering DH was working a late shift today. He is working terribly long hours as it is busy season in his neck of the woods. So I had the expectation that this morning, since he would be getting home after Mr. Bubbers and probably myself were asleep, I could have some time to myself - as he so graciously gives me most nights when he is not working the late shift. However, we woke up late and he had to run some errands and get a few things done around the house and leave early. So my expectations were dashed. Why should I have to take care of Mr. Bubbers all by myself for the next 12 hours? Why shouldn't I get some time to myself to read or whatever else I pleased? The answer... I don't deserve it. I certainly don't deserve a DH who puts up with my outlandish expectations, selfish behavior and rebellion. I don't deserve a DH at all. Sometimes I find myself thinking 'woe is me' when I should be thinking 'woe is he.' Woe is poor Mr. Bubbers whose mommy wakes up with a bad attitude at night. Woe is poor DH who has to work long hours in order for his wife and child to be able to spend days together and then he has to deal with a wife with expectations. Woe is He who has been so longsuffering with my sin. I do not deserve uninterrupted sleep, easy weight loss or time to myself. I deserve chastisement, rebuking and the firey pit of hell. We all do. Oh how my Lord is merciful and gracious. Oh how I need to meditate on the following scriptures:

Romans 6:12-13
Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.

Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God.

What do you deserve?

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{ 03:09, Wednesday, January 17, 2007 } { Posted by Anonymous }
I loved this post! Really hit home, thanks!

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