growing and learning

learning to trust the Lord again

One more thought on this feelings class I took a few weeks back.  (here are the three background posts on this:  post#1, post #2,post #3)

I just wanted to finish up on some things I learned. Things about me. Now, I need to send you back a number of entries to refresh your memories on my experience in Connecticut. There I was in the hotel room, me and my infant daughter. And a VERY bad feeling. Cindeerela mentioned that “if you are saved then you have the authority (through Jesus) over any evil spirit, just command it to go in Jesus name.” I have done this in the past, commanded evil to leave my presence through the Name of Christ. But this time, nothing happened. If anything, the feeling seemed to get worse. The feeling that I ought to leave. I did leave, but have been living in paranoia since. Never feeling that the Lord would watch over me and protect me as He had in the past. After all, He didn't make it safe for me. He did not calm the storm around me, nor did He calm me. Something the teacher at the class said to me when I first shared this experience was “You felt fear. Why did you not feel gratitude that He led you out of there safely?” that struck me like a ton of bricks. I have been holding a grudge against Him for not saving me from that situation. Isn't that awful? But He did save me. He commanded me to get out of there and to do it NOW. And He guided me to safety at my friend's home. There is a saying “sometimes the Lord calms the waters; and sometimes he calms the swimmer.” I think in this case, He did neither, but plucked me out of the storm. And here I am holding a grudge that He didn't do any calming.

And not only holding a grudge, but unwilling to trust Him again. After all, He didn't protect me in CT, why would He protect me now? He has abandoned me. I am all by myself now without the protection of the Lord. I have only myself to rely on, myself, my husband, a guard dog, locked doors. And all those things still left me feeling vulnerable. Vulnerable to attack from anyone anywhere, I NEVER felt safe. Even in broad daylight.

But... I have realized in the past few weeks I have been composing this in my mind that HE NEVER LEFT ME!!! I just thought He had. I didn't realize that He has been watching out for me even though I couldn't feel it. I am still His daughter, and He still loves me very much. And He still wants me to be close to Him. I have felt a lot more comfortable since realizing all this. I am no longer uber-paranoid (but still a little... baby steps).

Last night we were watching a movie before bed, and the power went out. I found a candle, and then a camping lantern. Made sure the doors were all locked. AFRAID! I quickly went back upstairs to bed. I lay in bed petrified, with the power out, and the wind blowing like to take us to Oz. And all I could think about was the movies where EVERYTIME the power goes out, something bad happens. And I don't watch a whole lot of movies, and NEVER scary movies.

I prayed. I prayed to be able to relax and go to sleep. I let my husband hold me, and trusted in the Lord. Come morning, and I slept all night (well, as much as I ever do, with a 10 mo old in my bed...), I thanked the Lord for the opportunity for two things from this wind storm: I trusted the Lord to keep me and my family and home safe and slept peacefully. And I let my husband hold me through my fears.

I am learning to trust again. And the Lord is helping me by giving me opportunities to exercise that trust.

Untitled Comment

05:17 AM, Friday, July 13, 2007 .. Posted by gokings13

this post has touched me
thank you
laura

Untitled Comment

10:46 AM, Friday, July 13, 2007 .. Posted by blessedmomof10

Thank you for sharing this..... trusting the Lord is no easy thing at times..... I am glad that you are learning once again to know and feel the Love our Father in Heaven has for you!

He loves you so!

(( Hugs))

gloria

Untitled Comment

10:51 AM, Friday, July 13, 2007 .. Posted by Jonash2004

Amen . . .

I've heard it been said that sometimes God says yes, no, or 'wait'. Well, sometime I think He says "GO!", too. Hmmm, I just had a thought - Joseph had a dream that made him get up in the middle of the night and start traveling to Egypt!

My first thought - if you were blown to Oz, you could visit me!! :P

When I was a teen, I was not used to being alone in the house. I started seeing things, like people, out of the corners of my eyes. It was horrible, like the devil was playing with my mind. I got to where I expected it, which seemed to make it a definate that I would eventually start seeing things.

God finally gave me a cat. I do not know why, but after that, when I heard something my first thought was always "Oh, that's my kitty." With prayer and my kitty, I finally won this struggle.

Every now and then I still have my spooky moments. Once I had dh check the house over to make sure no one was hiding anywhere because I accidentally left the house unlocked for an afternoon.

Like you said, baby steps!!

Ashley

I loved the post!

11:50 AM, Friday, July 13, 2007 .. Posted by CedarCityMom

I loved (after back reading the post) all the post. Though, I do have to admit that I did not fully understand all the technical stuff in the first one. However I did understand the third one better. I loved how you shared your personal feelings in it all.
I get those feelings every now and then. I used to get them a lot when I was younger. I'm really sensitive to that stuff. However, I found when I was younger that if I just keep reapting the Lord's name over & over till I feel better, it really helps. I don't remember who taught me, but I find it helps a lot. It helps calm me & give me a good night sleep.
I too can not watch scary movies & still don't see how most can (or the point for that matter).
Your post were really inspiring & enlitening. I found the personal post the best. Thanks!

Many Blessings!
Jessica