growing and learning

feeling class #2

okay, more on the feelings class.  I went again last night.  there was some stuff that made me pause, but ya know, that whole Matthew scripture (I wish I knew the reference... I should go look it up) about "by their fruits ye shall know them" is where I am going from here.  little bit of background....
3 years ago I went to Connecticut for a college friend's ordination in her church.  I stayed in a suite hotel with another friend and her boyfriend (because it was a suite, me and my dd (3 months) had our own room).  we stayed Fri and sat night, then they had to leave for home, they had driven from NY.  My flight home was Mon morning - I try to avoid traveling on Sundays when I can.  on Sunday I went to church and visited with my friends.  I also went for a drive to visit Weathersfield, which was the setting for one of my favorite books Witch of Blackbird Pond, by one of my favorite children's authors, Elizabeth George Speare.  I had some disquieting moments in town, but I ignored them and wandered around the cemetery  I love cemeteries  I love to read the gravestones, especially the really old ones.  there is so much history, real and true people stories in cemeteries  This was the oddest time in a cemetery - I actually felt like it was not a good place to be, like someone was watching me, following me around.  eventually I decided to return to my friend's house where I stayed until evening.  My baby was with me the entire time.
I returned to the hotel room, but I did not feel like I was alone.  I looked in all the closets, behind all the curtains, but no one was there.  It was a very scary and real experience.  There was a presence in that room.  I prayed.  How I prayed to be able to get a good night's sleep, but I just kept having an overwhelming urge to get out.  I called my dh.  he prayed with me.  finally we decided that I would call my friend and see if I could stay at her home for the night.  I told him to call me back in 10 minutes.  I called my friend, and felt rather foolish, but her mom was very understanding.  she said she had always taught her children to listen to that feeling, and for me to get over there RIGHT NOW.  I furiously packed all my stuff, talked again to dh, and sped downstairs.  As I threw my bag and baby into the car, I asked a man standing there if he would please wait for me to get in the car before he left the parking lot, for my safety.  When I checked out, I asked the clerk and the janitor to come see me into the car, and I sped to my friend's home.  Her dad was waiting for me outside and gave me a big hug when I got there in tears.  I finally felt safe again.  the strange feeling returned slightly the next morning when I got to the airport, and has never really left since then.  within 2 months I had full-blown psoriasis on my head, which is why I shave my head (which I hate - I used to have long beautiful hair!)
I traveled Europe by myself, and with a friend.  I have driven all over the north east by myself.  I had never felt fear of this.  I knew the Lord would look out for me as long as I was doing what I should be doing.  ever since CT, I have been afraid to be by myself.  I have been afraid of the dark and strange places and strange people.  a little fear can be good - the Lord's way of directing us, more of a protection, but this, this is evil...  I almost want to say that I was stalked that night by an evil spirit that has never left me alone.  so this fear, which I try so hard to conquer, is driving a lot of my life.

what does this have to do with the feeling class?  I will let you know in the next post.