This came through my desk and just for fun had to post it as it fit my week. 
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone
who ever attempted to get into a regular workout
routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high
school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health
club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of
a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour
and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time
she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a
heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a
whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too
perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she
gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape
and enjoy life. She said had other comments too.
THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late,
it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent
another skinny female to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine --
which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If
there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message
on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV
remote, and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
also pray that next year my daughter will choose a gift
for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! |
