Runnels Rhapsody

God isn't a tame God!

Our Pastor has used this phrase a lot lately - God isn't a tame God. I think he pulled it from the Chronicles of Narnia when Lewis writes that Aslan isn't a tame lion. He is loving and He is good, but He is not tame.

My experience of the Lord lately has been like that. It's always good to be reminded that God isn't our "sugar daddy" in the sky, a big Santa Claus who will give us absolutely anything we ask for. And He can't be manipulated by me saying or doing certain things. He simply is God. And I am not. He has a perfect will for how my life (as His follower) should go. And it is my place to accept that will, even when He leads in ways I would not have chosen for myself. If I call Him "Lord" I can have no other response.

I've been very disappointed with the Lord in recent months for not allowing us to have a second child. This is medically referred to as Secondary Infertility - when the same man and woman have conceived a child in the past and yet, for whatever reasons, cannot conceive again after a reasonable amount of time trying. For us, that reasonable amount of time has been nearly 2 years. As our only child soon turns 3 years old, we've heard from everyone it seems about how it's time for another one, etc. Of course, without knowing our situation they don't have a clue how painful their constant reminders can be.

We've always desired a large family and had made it known to family and friends that we hoped for 4, 5, 6 or even more children. And the Lord graciously allowed our first child to be conceived fairly easily and He granted her good health. She continues to bring us so much joy! And yet we don't feel peace about our family being complete with just the three of us. It is my heart's desire at such an incredibly deep level to bear more children, to raise more children for the Lord's glory and honor. And yet here we are, finding ourselves unable to conceive up to this point, constantly praying for the Lord's hand upon us. 

For me, this has been my first real disappointment with God. For certain, there have been other smaller issues that He has cared for in ways that I didn't especially like in the past. Sometimes looking back you can see why He did or didn't allow things. And other times you are left unknowing and simply trusting. But this is the first really big issue in which I am struggling so much with leaving in His hands.

I read recently about the idea of "double grief" and the concept really hit home with me. I am facing double grief over this issue. First, there is the grief at the child(ren) that we are not being allowed to have. That is painful and yet not as painful as the second part of the grief - the grief over the fact that my loving Father is choosing to withhold from us something that seems perfectly reasonable and good. Oh, how painful this is! It goes to the core of what I believe about God, His nature, His goodness, His love.

I always come back to the matter of trust. I want to trust Him with all that I have, not just in my head but with my life. Larry Burkett used to say "Do we just say we trust God or do we really trust God?" There is a difference between just saying we do and then really doing it. Someone else once said to "Trust God's heart when you can't see His hand." I'm so there - wanting to trust His heart of goodness and love when I can't see His hand at work on my behalf, in my situation.

What a struggle! Yet He is not a tame God. And I can't just pray a certain prayer and expect Him to immediately respond like a servant to my call and give me my heart's desire. He can't be manipulated. But at the same time I do call out to Him through the pain and disappointment and anger and make my desires known, praying for Him to grant them in His time and in His way. Or for Him to take away the desire rather than leave it unfulfilled.

And so I am once again brought to the cross, to Jesus and the love He has for me. Once again, laying down my feelings and my sins and my desires and all that I am. Once again, praying for His will and not mine to be done. Once again, longing to know Him more that I might gain understanding and gain a heart for others that can look beyond my own sorrows and hurts. Once again, I try to focus on Him alone. It's all in His hands anyway. Lord, help me to leave it there and trust You completely with what You have in store for my future. I do love You and want to welcome whatever You desire for me. I want to give You free reign in my life. Have Your way, Jesus! It's not about me. If it ever was, I'm sorry, Lord. It's all about You!

Amen!

10:16, 2006-Jun-18 .. Posted by HSBFrontPorch

Just keep giving it to Him. And remember, All things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. It doesn't say that all things are good, but that they work together for good. He's shown it to me time and time again.
Hang in there,
nancy

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11:02, 2006-Jun-18 .. Posted by thatday

While I was reading your blog, I just kept thinking of all the children who really need a home where they would be truly loved and cared for. Just a thought!
I cannot imagine your heartache -
but I can pray for you and your family.
Barb

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11:24, 2006-Jun-18 .. Posted by happymama

Wow...how beautiful is your devotion even in such a painful time! I will keep you in my prayers!!

Blessings,
Rossie

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09:00, 2006-Jun-19 .. Posted by borderling

You're so right. We can't see the big picture. But the word says that we are able to comfort others with the comfort we've been given. It will add to your ministry. This may be for a season or not. But God will not leave or forsake you. I was unable to have children for six years-it's a long story, but God knew what was best for me and I can see it now. You sound like a very sincere, loving Christian woman. I look forward to reading more.
Rhonda

Praying

01:08, 2006-Jul-6 .. Posted by BuzyMumof3sons

I will pray for you that the Lord will open your womb and/or send some children in need of a loving father and mother your way!
God Bless you!