Homestead Longings
Do Caterpillars Dream?
Of all the things I did on Sunday, the memory that sticks with me might at first seem to be the most trivial. I watched two yellow butterflies circling each other in a gentle floating dance that carried them up and across the open road as though lifted in a soft swirling breeze. I thought to myself that it had to be one of the simplest most beautiful things, then logged the sight away and continued my drive home.
The memory returned to me later as I was working on my bible study. I wondered to myself why I was so far behind. I have been steadily working through it, but just not at the rate of the actual class. I have not felt the need to rush. I have thought long over some insights and occasionally felt more than content to just sit and let whatever knowledge settle and seep into the cracks of my heart so to speak. Like grout, I guess.
My life is so quiet right now. I admit than when this season of stillness first began I was not at all comfortable with it. I had gotten so accustomed to the mad rush of all the wonderful things God was doing with me or teaching me over roughly the past 2 years that the stillness frightened me. It was like an overflow of spiritual food that seemed to overfeed me and then the spigot was turned off. I questioned more than a few times if something was wrong, or if I had somehow stopped listening to Him speaking to me. Yet, I would seek Him and feel his presence. There was just no other message there for me except the confirmation of his steadfast awareness of me.
Maybe I was just expecting some kind of grand gesture on the Lord’s part for me before my husband left. There is no grand and enthralling tale to tell. He is gone overseas now and we are here. I have been questioned to the point of interrogation as to the well being of myself and the kids. We are okay. Yet, surely we must be distraught and the kids must need therapy. Surely I am devastated. I am not. How to describe my present tense? Yes, sometimes I feel as though I am in a desert, but I do not feel attacked. The land is sparse and undesirable, but not combative for the time being at least. I am not looking at that landscape, though. I am just walking, looking forward, and waiting.
“I’m waiting…I’m waiting on you Lord, and I am hopeful…I’m waiting on you Lord, though it is painful…but patiently I will wait………….”
The butterflies dance so lazily and peacefully across my memory. I thought to myself, “That is a way to describe how I feel.” I feel like a caterpillar within its cocoon. Just waiting.
“…I will move ahead bold and confident…taking every step in obedience….While I’m waiting.. I will serve you, While I’m waiting.. I will worship, While I’m waiting….I will not fail……I’ll be running the race, even while I wait……”
Hmm….I wonder, do caterpillars dream? What state are they in while cocooned? Do they have any awareness of the state they are in, or even what is to become of them?
“I am waiting…I’m waiting on you Lord, and I am peaceful…..I’m waiting on you Lord, though it’s not easy…no…but faithfully, I will wait….”
I wonder, Lord. Do you sometimes cocoon your children the way you do some of your other creations? I can feel your love holding me. Is there a spiritual butterfly waiting for me at the end of this season?
One of the selfless gestures enacted by my husband before he deployed was to accompany me to a showing of the movie “Fireproof”. I must admit that if I knew there were so many sections that could be considered preachy, then I wouldn’t have asked him to go. It must have been very painful for him, hehe. Yet, he held my hand and sat with me without complaint. And then the song started, and the chills ran up through my bones and I almost cried there in that theater at what I could take home with me. An anthem for my season. “While I’m waiting” by John Waller.
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