Homestead Longings

A Vow

There are times that I can't help but wonder if God is still with me. Are you here? For one reason or another, I just have a hard time hearing him, or he may just not be speaking at the moment. I believe that 9 times out of 10, I am just not hearing. This time I believe that the busyness drowned out his voice. It hasn't been physical busyness so much as a mental preoccupation with other things. All orbit around one central theme. DH's deployment.

Prepare the house. Prepare the kids. Prepare to homeschool for a year without help. Prepare distractions. Prepare the finances. Prepare, prepare, prepare....  Prepare my heart. There is something I haven't done.

Today the status of our hearts was made very clear to me. I thought at first that it was just sibling issues. The kids not getting along. This mornings fight began when ds(6) and dd(2) were trying to play with bubble wrap. DS was trying to lay the sheets out across the kitchen floor to walk on, and they had to be just so. DD was not interested in placing them just right. She just wanted to pop the bubbles. That is about the time the screaming and venom came flying from DS's mouth at little sis. It has been building for several weeks now. He was sent to his room so we could have a talk.

As the conversation got rolling, it really developed a life of it's own. The words that began to flow from my mouth clearly came from another place. I am usually not comfortable at all speaking to my children about God's desires for us. I feel so inadequate and lacking in knowledge, thinking "But I am so new to this, surely I will mess it all up and turn my kids from God." Yet, as I talked about loving each other and how we show that love, the words began to effortlessly flow toward Jesus and his love for us. We talked about how he showed that love, and how he asks us to show such love to others.

Even more amazing to me, the next topic was our hearts. I explained that if we hold anger and hatred for others in our hearts, then it pushes God out of our hearts, and that that is exactly what Satan wants. He wants us seperated from God.

Oh, how I needed to hear those very words as well. I realized that I am not blameless. I have not been showing my love through my words and actions. I have been trying to teach my children to understand body language. How confused they must be.

We ended by praying together. Something I am ashamed to admit almost never happens. My son and I each made a vow to each other that we are going to focus on remembering the love that Jesus wants us to reflect to each other. I also made a silent vow to myself. These moments should not be rare ones. I am going to purposefully make time to focus on teaching my kids more about the Lord, and spending time in prayer beside them. Now that I listen I can hear God whispering to me about disciples. Disciples that must learn by following the example of the one that leads them. With Jesus as my leader, I must lead those who follow me to Him.

Thank you, Lord, for showing me in such a small yet enormous way that you are still with us.