Homestead Longings

Define Love

How do you define “love”? Is it a feeling? Is it a need or an urge, or maybe a feeling of bliss or contentment? My personal definition for love has undergone a radical evolution this year. Whether by God’s hand or just as a bonus from the aftermath of a struggle I can’t really be sure.

By chance or by design, yet not fortunate under any circumstances, during this time of loneliness and sadness in my life, in walked one of the most difficult temptations there is for me. The old flame. All of the flattery and wooing stirred up old feelings and sent shameful fantasies running through my head. So, I did the only thing I could think to do. I firmly stated my love for my husband and my God and I walked away. Then when my mind was tormented by confusing and contradicting thoughts, which it seemed to be continuously for a time, I got on my knees and cried to God. He didn’t really answer much. My impression was more of Him just sitting there with me, waiting to see what I would do.

(I must admit that in the silence I was bombarded by voices that made me doubt God and His existence. I know now that it was the enemy that tried to tell me to just give up on God.)

That is when I started thinking about “love”. How is it that I can love and be devoted to my wonderful husband and then at the same time think that I might have love for another? Well, I guess that depends on your definition of love. If I define it as a feeling- of excitement, pleasure, or simply attraction- then I guess it is possible. But what about the times that those feelings fade back and the excitement dies down to the quiet thrum of life?

Are our marriages really meant to sustain our feelings and happiness or are they really for another purpose entirely? I asked myself what I have when those feelings are not overwhelming me.  I have something even more beautiful. I have a partner. I have a teammate. A commitment, and someone to share even the most mundane parts of life with. I have someone to share the bruises and scars of life with. I have someone to share in my story. We have one story to tell, with a shared history, a shared now, and a shared future. Even when he is across the world, we are one unit, one family, a new creation.

You don’t walk out on your team because a game isn’t going your way. You train harder. You train harder TOGETHER and you come back to the court or field the next season and you battle on. I have enjoyed the picture of marriage I have had in my mind of wine aging. It didn’t start as wine. It was grapes. Single, individual, very separate little grapes. Grapes that had to be stomped on and crushed until they were pressed into something new and mixed together, and then aged until they were yet again something new.

So, I am left with another question. How can you show or give love if you have a limited definition?

With my previous definition of uncontrollable and effortless emotions, I shouldn’t ever have to do anything. Love should just effortlessly come to me and whoever else claims to be in love with me. But that isn’t right is it?

The Strength You Have

"The LORD turned to him and said, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?""    Judges 6:14

I haven't been writing very much lately. It has been a tough couple of months for me. What time that I did find to write, I found myself bemoaning my apparent lack of strength in the many areas that I have felt like a complete failure in for so long. I spent quite a bit of time last night on the phone with a dear friend talking about the similar situations we are in and the downward spirals that seem to overcome us both throughout our days. We both seemed to be in the same place in regards to our thoughts about it all. We admit to feeling overwhelmed, short-tempered, and most of all to not liking our own actions and the quality of people we are being right now. What strength we started with is just being sucked ever away.

Now I have verses posted all over my house. The lord is my strength....I can do all things through Christ.... etc, etc. Yet, there are days when seeing and saying those verses still does not seem to encourage in me the kind of strength I feel I need. And that is about where my reading from Judges this morning found me.

Judges 6:14. That one particular verse really questioned me. How much strength do I really need? Do I need as much as I think I do? I know that I should not be relying solely on my own strength, so why do I still keep taking a tape measure to it and deeming it unfit? How many blessings will I miss because I keep telling God that I am not yet strong enough? Like he doesn't already know that!

I don't really know. But I decided to write that verse down on one of my little cards, and today I will carry it around with me. Today I want to be encouraged and emboldened by the fact that I can step out in faith even when I am feeling weak and vulnerable and know that like He did for Gideon, God will not send me without being prepared to be a little bit involved Himself. Or at least, that is what I am choosing to believe. =)

God Bless!

Alone In Your Box?

I am one of those gift bag people. I have never been much for wrapping presents and adding pretty little bows. I do wrap most presents at Christmas time, but it is more for the sake of making it harder for children to peek. My mother was always one of those people that could give Martha Stewart a run for her money. Perfect angles, perfectly curled ribbons with a bow on top, and tape that you almost could not see at all. In the end, it all ended up in that big black trash bag on the living room floor in more pieces than imaginable.

I can be that way with myself as well. When I have something to say I don't think I am one to wrap it up pretty and present it to you in a great flourish. I try to think of the most polite and appropriate wording for the moment, my way of gift bagging it, and then I just kind of hand it over. I guess that can be a bit unnerving to some people. It is the responses I get that have discouraged me at times.

You see, I have never been very good at the whole relationship game. Sure, I like anyone else seek friendships. But I don't always understand how to start one, or even how they really work. I confess that in the majority of cases, I will seek out support of a sort from places like bible study groups, or some form of a womens' group, but I end up sitting there listening and feeling very much alone. Then at some random moment I hand over one of my little "bags". They usually involve some thought or some feelings that I have been experiencing. That is when I get the array of responses.

Sometimes I get what feels like a correction. I can mostly tell nowadays when someone just doesn't understand or thinks I am merely looking for answers. Sometimes I have even tried to explain further, but to no avail. It ends up sounding like some kind of rationalizing or excuses. In the end, I am left feeling like a failure. I end up with mounting guilt or shame for thinking that I am feeling things that are considered to not be "okay".

Oh, but every now and then, I hear those delightful words. "You are not alone." Said in many ways. Sometimes they sound more like, "I know what you mean. I have felt that way before."

That is when I come to realize that my feelings or burdens aren't necessarily shameful, and aren't something for me to be automatically condemned to hell for. They are just the feelings that are common to man. Or in this case woman. And on top of that, I have found a person or place where I can be the transparent me that... well, is me. There is so much intimacy and healing when you can get down to the heart issues.

Most recently, I have found myself in a strained relationship with my God. I love him none the less, and I believe none the less. Yet, sometimes I have to admit that I stop to pray and don't really want to. Or I wake up in the morning and hold my bible in my hands, and though I crack it open, I find that I do not currently have the eagerness to do so that I at other times have. I share this not because I am seeking answers of some sort, or even someone telling me that it isn't healthy (I know that) and how I can perk up my spiritual life. No, but I know now how very much of a balm to my soul it was to hear someone simply say, "You are not alone."

As a bonus, I learned about Mother Theresa and the struggles she faced for so long with her prayer life.

Thank you, Lord, for those among us who are willing to "get real".

Early Saturday Morning

I got up about 2 hours earlier than usual this morning and I can't really say I am at all pleased with that. My neck is in pain again. I just stopped physical therapy. Blah. I am hoping that by the end of the day it will be feeling much better. Even though I will be out most to all of today, it has the potential to be a very restful day. Ending with an appointment to get my hair done this afternoon. That is a major treat for me. I am pretty sure that I can count on my 10 fingers how many times I have been to an actual salon in my life. One was in December when I decided to try out a body wave perm. I like it. But now it is falling out and hubby will be home for leave in a little over 2 weeks.

Praise God for the rain! I have been wanting to get a rain barrell for quite a while now. Well, I found some locally about a month ago and had the money to get one right before the rains hit. I am so happy that I did. Now I have a rain barrell filled to the brim sitting just across from my garden. I was so excited about the rain, but I must admit that now I want it to soak in and get warm out! I have so many projects that I want to work on.

I took the time we were housebound from the rain to work on some organizing indoors, though. I decided it was time to purge and declutter. But this time I had picked up some white labels from the store and carried that and some sharpies around with me. I use just about anything to store things in. Like old shoe boxes and various sizes of plastic bins. So, as I put things in and up, I labeled everything. Even the school supply closet is neatly organized and every drawer is labeled. I am mildly proud of myself. I am not really close to being done, but I can see so much progress already.

Next I am going to try my own version of that "Managers Of Their Homes" schedule. I downloaded the blank forms from their site and altered it some. Always trying to find something that will work for our odd schedules. I told a friend the other day that I am just stepping back and re-evaluating. Everything was working before, but it just didn't feel very efficient.

Well, I guess it is about that time to go wake up the kiddos. Especially if they might like to eat something before we leave, hehe. God bless you all today.

Respect

You know, the first thing that came to my mind when I started thinking about generational curses and bondage was a comment my uncle loves to say to people who are just getting accustomed to our family. "If we don't insult you, it is because we don't like you." Though I tend to be a rather sensitive person to words and the demeaning and cruel comments were really hard on me even up to now, I really came to believe that this was true. That this was just the way our family was. Maybe it was ingrained in our DNA.

It took someone in a future relationship to make me even question this. He simply asked me after us being together for a while, why I always called him names. They were never meant to be harmful. I always thought of it as a little joke, or a pet name. He did not feel the same. I admit that it caused quite a bit of confusion and probably was a great factor in the deterioration of that relationship. But the question had been asked and that is when I began to wonder.

I never really figured out that answer on my own, but I did decide that I was going to change that behavior. I made a very purposeful point when I got married that I would not let myself slip into calling my husband harmful names. I still have a very difficult time with that. It isn't when I am angry that are the difficult times. It is when I am the most comfortable. Usually when I am laughing. I even find myself fighting back from using these comments on my children lately. Comments that seem so good natured at first, like "you are such a dork." I don't want my son to grow up having that as any part of his self perception.

So, I took a chance. I called up my mother last week and I asked her a question. Did she know where all of this started? At first, she had no clue what I was even talking about. She insisted that our family doesn't say unkind things to each other. Then slowly, she started to understand. I asked about her parents personalities. Everything I ever heard about my maternal grandfather would lead me to believe that he couldn't say a mean word to a soul. She confirmed. Then it dawned on her.

"I guess it would have had to come from my mother." she said. She began to tell me how her mother would often yell obscene and cruel comments at her father. Belittling him in front of just about anyone. "She used to call him a 'stupid Polack' all the time" my mother continued. Wow. We both began to see that this continued on through the children, having many negative impacts on many relationships for them, and then continuing on down to the grandchildren.

I didn't bring it up at the time, but I also began to wonder to myself if this was where my own mother's unexplained complete disrespect for all men came from. Seems to fit doesn't it?

As I was reading through the commandments, I thought to myself that there is a huge common theme for most of them. It is about honor. Honoring parents, honoring others and their things. Honoring God! Honor is a word that I have a hard time understanding. I need it to be picked apart and defined for me. So, I got out my trusty dictionary and thesaurus. What I found in my thesaurus helped me understand this the most.

honor as a verb- accept, acknowledge, appreciate, credit, remember, respect, value

antonyms- betray, debase, disgrace

That last word is a painful one for me. Disgrace. I think, that a lack of respect has become a form of generational bondage in our family. I believe it because I fight with it. It seems like such a small thing, yet it has this deep hold that I can barely fathom.

There are so many other things that are prevalent in our lines that seem like so much bigger issues. Adultery runs rampant, stealing is so common, and lying is like breathing. Physically there have not been any murders that I know of. (Unless you want to count abortion) Though, there has been plenty of verbal and other such abuse. But how does one even begin to understand why these things could be wrong if there is no foundational teaching of true respect and honor?

I am asking God to step in for me here. I want to break all such bonds and change my family line, but I can't do it. Not on my own. On a final thought. What really gets to me, is that as absolutely wonderful and godly of a man as I am told that my grandfather was, none of his 10 children turned out like him. (Yes, 10) With my mother's confirmation, it seems they have all taken on the habits and such of my grandmother. How sad.

Where have I been?

Oh wow. What has been going on around here lately? A little of this, a little of that. I have just hit these moments of great glory and peace, and then again just last night I was on my bed in tears pouring out all my frustrations and disappointments in myself to God. It's okay, though, because now the wound is purged and I woke up this morning renewed and feeling rather unburdened.

I have found myself in lots of new places the past week or so. My children have started new activities. That always brings me out of the house to different places where I meet new people. I can't say that it is always a positive and uplifting experience, but it is definitely always an experience! I have caught myself doing a few things or acting in ways that have made me downright disgusted with myself at times, wondering about the kind of example I set for my children. One day in my impatience and possibly even a little arrogance, I ....well, disobeyed. I was informally asked to do something one way, and because I am....grown...and knew that I could get away with it, I did it in a completely different way and later realized that I had not only made an uncomfortable situation, I actually could have injured someone in my carelessness. As these realizations dawned on me, I looked down at my lovely little 3 yr old daughter standing at my side. Oh Lord, forgive me.

I have also found myself being rather negligent with several household matters of late, that I am a bit ashamed of.

Thing is, it all comes full circle at some point. I can see how all of this has to do with where God is working in my life. Most of the time, I have difficulty seeing exactly where he is working in my life. I am learning to look at whatever troubles and frustrations I am currently having and know there is a substantial chance that it has something to do with God working behind the scenes. Or maybe on the dark side of my heart would be a better description. You ever wonder if our hearts can be like the moon?

I have lately been coming to a new understanding of generational sins and bondage. The strange thing is, I am finding it in what first appeared to me to be a rather odd spot. Not the bondage necessarily, but the scripture God is showing me regarding it. Then again, after I thought about it more, it seemed like these particular scriptures made all the sense in the world. The Ten Commandments. It is kind of a back to basics thing going on. Then again, I guess it can't be back to basics unless you've been there before. I really haven't.

I just have one comment I really want to share, though I hope anyone reading this realizes that there is no condemnation in this thought. I am sure that each and every christian and situation are different...... I think some christians who have been living as christians or grew up as such tend to truly over look a rather important tidbit. They take for granted, however unknowingly, that you (or in this case, ME) know certain things and understand certain things that you don't, because you (or I) did not grow up being exposed to any of this stuff.

For example, I have had several people just start talking to me about different stories in the bible, assuming I know that story I guess. Later I tend to look at them and say, "I'm sorry, I don't know that story yet." Sometimes I really do need to not necessarily be taught in the same manner, but be taught the same kind of content that my 6 yr old is learning. Most of the time, we really are learning together. Praise God for ds's enthusiasm to learn about God and read the bible.

I knew ABOUT the ten commandments, but in all honesty I could probably have told you maybe 4 or 5 of them. I didn't know them. And I believe that when God brings some particular portion of scripture or teaching to my attention numerous times over just a few days, then he is not just trying to get my attention, he is trying to point my eyes so my feet will follow.

It was actually rather amazing for me to sit and read those commandments over and over again the last few days. I have been seeing something new each day and my eyes have been opened in some amazing ways to some of the between the lines meanings.

I don't want to write everything today, because to tell you the truth, I just don't have time. But I have some cool stories to share if anyone is interested and I have purposed to do so over the next few days. Starting with some generational bondage that nobody even realized was there until this past weekend. So, to be continued.....

A Little Excitement

Oh, how the excitement builds. I have several reasons I guess. Mostly that this month is almost over. That is exciting because at the end of next month my dh comes home for his R & R leave. Woohoo! Oh Lord, how I miss him! Though our plan is to spend the majority of the time at home, (or in his case, spend the 2 weeks sleeping) we do have a few exciting plans for a day or two. Like taking a trip down to SeaWorld. That is one of this families favorite places.

Also, I have been feeling rather rushed and stretched for the last few months. I have had so many appointments and events to get to. I have loved going to physical therapy. They have really helped my neck out a lot, but the appointments are twice a week, at about the most inconvenient time of the day for us. And no, I can't change the time because that is the only time of the day I can get childcare for my oldest. It is alright, though. Next week is my last week. I am very much looking forward to not being out rushing around during the days again.

I recently decided it was time to keep a notebook for my thoughts while either reading the bible or whatever. I have such a forgetful mind. I also switched to a new bible for my morning bible reading. Before hubby deployed, he bought me a new Chronological Study Bible. I have been wanting to get started with it and a few days ago I figured it was time to stop procrastinating and just do it.

I wish I could say that my garden was doing well, but it seems that we had some rat problems for a while. I think we have managed to deal with them now. It has been a good 2 weeks almost since anything has attacked my garden again. It was extremely frustrating though.

Well, that is about it. Really, I am just spending my time working with the kids (school) and on various projects (landscaping and cross-stitching). I will leave you with a "thought" from my notebook though.

"And He said, 'What comes out of a man, that defiles a man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man.'"  Mark 7:20-23 (NKJV)

Wow. How many of us live by the worldly idea that we should just "follow our heart"? How many even realize that it is a worldly idea? I didn't. Until now. According to Jesus merely following our hearts is a rather destructive concept. Look what comes from it! Read them outloud. It is too easy to just glance over these things when we are reading silently. I read them slowly outloud and the full impact of each word I said rang like a great gong in my ears.

Deeper Still

Meltdown Monday

Wow. I wish I could say that today has so far been as nice as yesterday, but that would just be a lie. For some reason both kiddos woke up in rather ugly moods this morning. After a talk with ds, his attitude has actually turned around. Not dd. She is laying on her floor basically screaming into the carpet. I am just glad that I didn't really schedule any school work this week. We will be missing out on a movie over at the IMAX that we were supposed to go see with some other homeschoolers.

I will move on to something more enjoyable, though. I said I would share pictures of our trip to Dinosaur Valley State Park in Glen Rose, so here some of them are.

Hope you enjoy the pictures.

Random Pictures

Today I took the kids on a bit of a field trip to Dinosaur Valley State Park to see the dinosaur tracks in the creek bed. I will have to post those pictures later. We had a great time.

But the pictures I am going to share are of a completely different nature. On a dear friend's blog, http://mom2countrykids.blogspot.com/ , she posted some random pictures of the Texas country side. I guess looking for some beauty. Though what I see as beautiful or eye-catching may be entirely different, I thought I would snap some pictures along my own drive today and share them.

I just love how the Texas flag was right behind him.

No one I know.

This was at the park.

Those 2 were just different views fromt he same stop.

I have no idea why old rusty autos are beautiful to me, but they are.

Do you want to know why cows crack me up? Because if you stop, they just stand there and STARE at you!

What a lovely color contrast.

Okay, not exactly my idea of beautiful but it definitely GOT MY ATTENTION! LOL.

Okay, that is enough. Hope you enjoy. Not that I am a great photographer or anything, but I kind of enjoyed just snapping random pictures of whatever.

Enduring the Cold

There is only one single thing I can think of that I like about the cold. Well, only one with my husband not here. That is the good excuse for baking or cooking. I am sitting here surrounded by the delicious smells of a roast in the making. Mmmm. Yesterday we made a crockpot full of chili. I have a pretty good sized crockpot, so, by the time we were done eating I still had 4 full tupperware containers to freeze for later. Each container is a full meal for just the 3 of us.

In the next day or so I want to make some homemade bread. I also went to the store and picked up the necessaries for apple crisp (my fav.), pecan pie, and a wonderful hot german potatoe salad recipe I picked up from a friend. I don't usually care much for german potatoe salad, but this one makes my mouth water at the very thought of it. I also picked up some blueberries they had for I don't know yet. Either muffins, or pancakes, I guess. I already have the stuff sitting here for banana bread, pumpkin muffins, cinnamon raisin bread and whatnot. They all sound so wonderful right now, I am not sure where to start, hehe.

We are taking it easy around here today. Whatever was buggy dd turned out not to be her teeth. I made a quick trip to the dentist yesterday afternoon just so they could have a look. I think she actually had a really sore throat. By bedtime she was running a fever. So, after a dose of tylenol before bed to help her sleep and some pedialyte, I laid her in bed with me and snuggled her to sleep with a small prayer to God for healing. She seems to be feeling better this morning. Not quite good, but better.

So far today, I have just been cleaning up after our anxiety ridden dog. I decided to set the video camera on him the other day when we left to see what exactly was going on. He keeps tearing his kennel apart and escaping. I have never seen a dog eat his treats and whine at the same time until now. Then he literally circled in his kennel and tested every corner, door, and even the top at one point before choosing what I can only assume he thought was the weakest spot and basically attacking it. He has a metal kennel and managed to literally snap a few of the bars. So, I did the last thing I could think of. I secured every spot I could think of with as many plastic zip-ties as I could find! It managed to keep him in, but I came home to this!

He actually broke and chewed off part of the hard plastic bottom. Sigh. Think he has some seperation anxiety issues?

Throw Me a Rope?

I am not at all ashamed to admit that I have always been afraid of heights, yet I have been rock climbing a few times, and I have even jumped off a few bridges in my time. Always with someone at my side. It seems that their strength and support was always enough to give me the added courage I needed to either forge ahead or to take that step. I cherish those memories. They were well worth it.

I find there is a parallel between my physical realities and my spiritual trials at times. Like now. I know that I have come a long way in my walk (or climb) with Christ, and I know that there is yet so far to go. I looked at some of the temptations and trials that have been plaguing my heart lately and I am reminded of being on a very tall ladder. I feel as though I have reached some sort of a halfway point. One step further and I will be closer to the top, but one step back and I am that much closer to my old life and where I started. Maybe my mistake was even looking down, or looking back.

Back down is familiar. Each step back would be a tried or tested rung. I am certain of where my feet have been. Each step forward would be unknown and a bit scary. My courage failed me. In my mind I could feel myself clutch that ladder where I had stopped, feeling alone with no support or anyone to catch me. In truth doubting this whole ladder. Doubting God's plan for me. I guess I had forgotten something. I forgot that God would be with me.

I sat and thought a lot today about this ladder. So much that I finally took a closer look at some of those rungs before me, and started to see the impression of faint footprints. It took me a moment before I understood where they came from. Not only will my Lord be with me, it seems he has already gone before me. Like when I would rock climbed with friends that were more experienced. I always made it a point to place my feet in the same places that they had. The places that I knew had been tried and proven true.

Today I made it a point in my mind to stop looking back and to keep my sight forward. To know in my heart that God has gone before me and approved of each step I must take to the destiny that awaits me at the top of this ladder. Though back is comfortable, I long for what is up there now. Lord, I will take these steps forward because I believe you. I believe you and what you have for my life, and my family, and my marriage. I just ask one thing, Lord. Any chance at all of some ropes or harness, hehe?

Just a Tuesday

Some days are just a plain struggle. This day actually started on Sunday morning, I guess. That is when my dd 3 year old came walking out of her bedroom early in the morning crying and holding her mouth. I heard the crying and we met in the middle. I asked what happened and as she opened her mouth to tell me that she fell out of bed, that is when I realized she was bleeding. Well, after seeing what looked like a small cut on her lip, I cleaned her up and held her for a while. Soon she was feeling better and was off and running again.

This morning she woke up crying again. No rolling out of bed this time, just moaning and making this slow, long, wind sounding whine. All day so far today she has been like this. She says her teeth hurt. Earlier I gave her some Ibuprofen and a little orajel. That seemed to make her feel better for a few hours, but sure enough, she is doing that whining sound again. The dentist office seems to be on lunch break now, so I guess I will just have to try again in a bit.

I was very much looking forward to a nice visit to the chapel this morning for the first day of new bible studies. I am sure you can imagine that that didn't happen. I did throw the kids in the car long enough to drive down and grab my book. At least I can start working on that even if I missed some other stuff today.

It is cold and wet out today. Not really raining. Just wet. At first I was rather happy about that. We need wet, even if it comes with more cold. Then I had to drive in it. Not so happy after that. Well, I guess it isn't the weathers fault. Just people with questioning driving skills.

It does seem like a really good day to make a big pot of chili though!

Toe Socks?

Can someone tell me, what exactly are the point of toe socks?

I mean, other than to make your feet look like they belong in a doctor Seuss book? Who came up with these things? Did they have a sensory issue? where does one come up with the idea, Hey, let's make some gloves for our feet?

Okay, I am done now.

Much of Nothing...

Well, so much for the wonderful weather. It was so warm and beautiful out this past week that we spent almost the entirety of it out back. Today it is cold and yucky again. I must say it was quite a tease for someone like me who is just itching for spring and gardening season.  What we really need is rain, though. It seems that is the running theme of many a blog lately. Pray for rain.

So today I have chosen to sit on my posterior and work on a much delayed project. Repairing our mass number of childrens movies on DVD. With the aid of a little machine that looks like a CD player. This scratch stuff really does work. Stinks something awful, though. I am wondering what kind of damage my lungs and sinuses are undergoing as I sit here smelling this stuff. That and some of these discs are just not salvagable, no matter how much of this stuff I use, or how many times I put them in that little machine of my husband's.

I must confess to my complete lack of self-discipline. I am looking at the calendar. This week our new bible studies start at the chapel, and I still have yet to finish the last book. It is a terrible excuse, but I just have not gotten around to it. It has been like that around here for the past few weeks I guess. I knew this deployment would be hard once the busy holidays past, and that is exactly what happened. We slowed down, the kids are going crazy, and mom is just tired. Another reason I am looking forward so much to spring. Then we can while the day away in the yard and garden. Come the summer we will be busy again. Traveling mostly. Visiting family and taking in a homeschool convention or two.

Ah, yes. Homeschool Conventions. A dangerous place for me.  Actually, it won't be so bad. I am actually getting to the point that I know what works for us and what doesn't. It really helps me to look beyond all of the things that are "just so cool" and be realistic. That and I already have picked up quite a bit for next year, usually when I have come across a great sale on stuff I know we will be using again. Which reminds me, I still have some lesson planning and scheduling to do. This would be a great time to work on that. Bye.

The Value of A Check Mark

I am finding that my lists are something that are helping me through this deployment. It is all in the value of that little check mark that I get to put beside something when it is accomplished. Or rather, it is the value that it holds for me. That little check mark says, "I did something." It is progress. It is a reminder during my day that I really am getting something done. So, when I am sitting here during the day thinking, I feel like I am just not getting anything done around here with the kids running wild and the house a mess, I have a few check marks to prove my brain wrong, hehe.

Seriously though, I am going to take some more time to expand on those lists I was previously working on. They are giving me stepping stones of a sort through my year. I don't have to sit and think about how long a year is. I just think, this is my next step, and I focus on getting to that. Homeschooling has been a help, also. Some of the goals that have been set for my son's school work have crossed over into goals of my own. A lot of the things I have been working on have been mostly in my head, not on paper. I mentally check them off.

Well, after realizing how much help my little projects and goals have been to me so far, I have decided to write even more of them down. More check marks to look at.

On a side note, I just wanted to share a few more pictures. These are of Jack, aka "Garden's Bane".

This is sweet looking little Jack in October. Not long after we brought him home. He was about 4 months old. See how he fits so nicely right into that little spot behind ds. And this is Jack now. He is roughly 7 1/2 months old. He doesn't fit so well into the corner anymore. And I wonder why I spend so much money on dog food........

Fresh from the Garden

I don't think I find much of anything more satisfying than fresh vegetables from the garden. I am not even sure why exactly. Today was such a relatively warm and beautiful day that the kids and I are spending most of it outside. We had already made a trip to Lowes this morning to price some material for projects and we ended up picking up a few things from the garden department, like seeds and starters and such. After a brief arguement with my ds on the way out of the store regarding who exactly was going to get to claim ownership of the blueberry bush we purchased, we were on our way home looking forward to a nice day outside and at least for a brief time, in the dirt.

As I stood over my garden area, mostly attempting to assess the damage made by one very over-sized puppy, I made a delightful discovery. Some of the carrots, pretty much the ONLY thing to survive Jack, were actually harvestable. (Is that a word?) So, in we went. Myself, ds, and my darling 3yr old daughter. The hazard of gardening with 3yr old is that she pulls everything. She was very excited to help haul them into the house and clean them off in the sink, though.

DS stood on one side of the sink popping off the tops, and dd stood on the other hand washing off all the dirt. They were rather proud of themselves.

Then it was mama's turn. I set to peeling and chopping so that we could enjoy the carrots with our chicken for dinner. Standing beside the sink with a breeze blowing in and the sun shining I was enjoying the most peaceful moment of the whole week. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for the simple yet amazing ways you provide, both to sustain our bodies and our souls.

On a more somber note, hubby called over the computer today. In a way, it is such a blessing to have the webcams now. DD did not want to talk to him, though. She hid her little face in my neck most of the time. At one point the call got dropped from a bad connection and I had a chance to sit with her and talk to her. She managed to express in her limited language that seeing daddy on the computer makes her sad, because she can see him but not touch him. Oh, how that breaks a mama's heart. DH managed to lure her out of hiding by asking about the carrots she got to pull this morning. Finally, she turned around and excitedly told him all about her morning cleaning carrots. Ha!

Miscellanious Friday

Woohoo... I finally figured out how to add links to blogs that I like. I added a few. Will add more later.

So, today I spent most of the morning painting a bathroom. It is amazing how some fresh paint can totally redo a room. That and it was a very bland and boring off white color before I started. Now it is a beautiful light oceany blue. It will go great with the beach and surfing theme the kids picked out. The new shower curtain just cracks me up. It looks like a giant hula skirt! Haha. Really, I am just one of those people who cannot easily live in a house with no colors. Way too boring.

As for an update on that last post, things are going pretty good with the kids at the moment. We had a few more deep dips in the road this week. One of them involved ds waking up yesterday to 2 days worth of schoolwork sitting in front of him. That day's and everything from the day before that he decided not to do. That was okay, though. He sat down and I quietly informed him that we were still going to see the Tae Kwon Do class that evening to check it out, but that mommy would NOT being signing him up until he could prove to me that he could be responsible at home and get his schoolwork done each day. I believe all the work was done shortly after lunch.

I just want to share some pictures that I love. I took the kids on a field trip to Kennedy Space Center in Florida over our Christmas break. We had such a wonderful time, and my robot obsessed son was in heaven.

Can you tell? He about ran to that robot, hehe. The other kids had a great time, also. We went with a friend and her little boy.

I find myself making lots of lists lately. Lists of things I want done before hubby gets home for his R&R leave, list of things I would like to do while he is here, lists of various homeschool books and curriculum that I want to take a look at soon. We usually use income tax to pick up a lot of that stuff. Not that it has cost us much of anything so far with them both so young. Lists of places we want to take field trips to in the next couple of months. List of unfinished projects I really aught to finish, hehe.

I have also been pondering an odd question in my head the last several weeks that I think I am finally about ready to voice. I will save that for another post, though. It may take a whole post in itself, and we are getting ready to head out the door for some much needed grocery "stock-up" shopping. Have a wonderful day all!

Enduring?

It has been a while since I wrote anything here, I guess. Well, here I am. I hate to say that I have basically just been enduring. Mostly just enduring loneliness and weariness. We are making it through, though. One step at a time.

Yesterday turned out to be one of our best days by far, though it sure didn't start out that way. DS ended up sleeping on the couch for the night, which was fine by me. He woke up in the morning as I was puttering around in the kitchen, starting my own chores for the morning. He got up and wandered around a bit himself before plunking back down under the blanket waiting for someone to turn the tv on. Nope, sorry. Too much to get done today, including school work. First I asked him politely to get started on his morning chores. I hear a grumble. A minute or so later, when I see no signs of movement or compliance, I firmly stated it was time to get up and do his chores. The blanket and pillow went flying and he threw his little body from the couch while noisily making his complaints heard.

Trying to hold back my own anger, I raised my arm and pointed and stated, Room, Now! Go sit on your bed and don't move. Honestly, I didn't know what I was going to do or say. I just knew that I was not ready to deal with such an attitude that early in the morning. I continued about my chores for a while, letting him sit. Then I remembered something. I recently bought the book "For Instruction in Righteousness" from Doorposts. You see, I like the idea of using scripture to instruct and discipline a child. My problem is that I don't know where anything is really. Aside from the fact that I only started reading my bible about 3 years ago, I am horrible at remembering where anything is. I am just as terrible with dates by the way. So, I joyfully ran off to find my book and take a look.

1 Cor. 16:14 "Do everything in love."  Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs."  Titus 3:9 "But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless."  Phil. 2:14 "Do everything without complaining or arguing"

So after a long discussion about how his attitude toward what it means to be a part of our family was hatefull and that by complaining and arguing he was really arguing against our laws, or rules, he was causing dissension in our family, I told him that if he decided that being a part of our family and all that it includes was too much for him, then he was welcome to just stay in his room on the bed and not be part of the family. But since God placed him in this family, knowing what would be required of him, I knew that he could do it. So, if he changed his mind and decided that he did want to be a part of the family, he was more than welcome to come out do his work.

He sat in his room for a while, and then came out with a much changed attitude. I even got a "Thank you very much for the food, Mommy." when serving his breakfast. I wish I could say that it crossed over into today, but it didn't. I am encouraged though. He is so much more receptive to what I am saying and asking of him when he realizes that it isn't just mommy ordering him around, but that God is in fact the ultimate authority about the way we live life.

Obviously, each day is a new challenge. Sometimes, my tired mind cries out for a break, but we are making it through.

Is anyone else just aching for spring to get here already? I have my seeds out and seed starters and everything. I am just aching to get my hands in the dirt again. On the other hand, I have a few short rows of carrots that seem to have made it very well through the cold and kept growing. They look like they will be ready to pull up soon.

No Colors!!!!

Oh man, did I mess up this week. The thing is, I can always remember the no dairy for my kids. Not a problem, dairy doesn't settle well with my own system either. But when it comes to the colors, I keep forgetting.

I spent several miserable days trying to coerce my son to calm down some, which is about like trying to rope a tornado when he is at his wildest. I knew that it was getting really bad when he could not settle down long enough to even talk to his deployed father on the webcam. Before about 4 or 5 minutes had passed, my husband said to my son in a very firm voice, "You need to go take a nap....Now!" I admit that I was feeling horrible at this point. Maybe even a bit guilty wondering what I was doing wrong and what my husband must think of what is going on while he is gone.

It was later on the phone with my mother that I figured it out. Even she could hear the mayhem over the phone and the exhaustion in my voice. "What is wrong with him?.....What has he been eating?" Just as I was about to tell her I had no idea, I turned and my eyes fell upon an open bottle of bright red gatorade sitting almost empty on my kitchen table. As the thought, You have got to be kidding me!, ran through my mind, I walked over and picked up the bottle and read the ingredients. Yup, there was the culprit. Red #40. Why do I always forget that one?

Maybe it is because on a normal basis, I don't even buy anything that is colored. I bought these little gatorade bottles to hand out to the deploying troops. There were leftovers that got shelved in the pantry, right in eyesight of my children.

My son took the removal of the gatorades pretty hard. You see, the red ones are his favorites. We had a long heart to heart about right choices sometimes being really hard and meaning we can't have the things we want.

Today things are getting much better. At least I AM feeling rested. He is still a little more hyper than usual, but this I can handle. I give it a few more days and we will hopefully be completely back to normal.

I was thinking about all of this and wondering if I should make myself a big sign to put on the refrigerator with the word colors crossed out. Umm....then again, that might make our guests think we are racist or something. (!!) I am sure I can think of something.