Homestead Longings

It snuck up on me!

It really did. I suddenly realized just how short our time has gotten when my husband walked in the door last night with a new duffle bag full of new gear for his deployment that he had been issued yesterday. It was like Christmas in our living room for a while as he and the kids went through everything. I think I was the only one that was feeling rather emotional about it. Everytime he pulled out one of the several ammo pouches I wanted to cringe. I did cringe when he pulled out several first aid pouches and my ds asked "Daddy, is that for when you get hurt?" I had a stepmother once that used to walk around saying "I bind those words in the name of Christ" whenever someone said something that she didn't want to come true. I wish I had remembered that last night.

Anyways, I do have a really cute picture that I wanted to share. My dh, bless his heart, is trying really hard to keep the kids involved and help keep them from getting too anxious about him leaving. He let the kids go through everything with him last night. They got to touch everything, and ds asked LOTS of questions about everything while dh answered as best he could. They even got to play a little dress up.

By the way, I did manage to finally get my bottom up yesterday and make those homemade tortillas I have been meaning to make. I ended up using them for dinner in an enchilada recipe that my husband ended up really liking. The kids weren't as thrilled, but I didn't expect them to eat much anyway still feeling a little sick and all. They are both doing great today. They both woke up ready to get back to school and chores which we have basically already finished this morning.

I have to admit, that I have never been so aware of the outcome of our methods of discipline and our daily schedules than right now. Just a few days ago, I had to enforce something with ds that made my husband give me a questioning glance. I know what he was thinking. Is that really necessary? Can't we just let it slide for now? My response almost surprised me as much as him. "I am not willing to start any habits right now that I am not going to be able to deal with when it is just me here." Well, I guess it didn't really surprise me so much as reveal to me that I have been subconsciously thinking about how my parental role is really going to change for the year that he is gone more than I had even acknowledged to myself.

I try to discipline my children in a way that makes them think. Kind of a Love and Logic type approach. I admit that it is difficult for me at times. I was raised by a screamer. Top that off with me being a very defiant child. I didn't learn much about motivation until I left home. I still struggle with a lack of self-motivation at times. So, it is important to me that my children learn some responsibility now. I really think with the loss of that extra pair of eyes around the house may very well be a testing/proving ground for our methods so far. It's an intriguing and all too intimidating thought.

Stuck at Home...

On Tuesday mornings I usually like to go to the PWOC meetings, but this morning my son is running a high fever. It started yesterday just after he finished his school work. So, today we are staying home. I believe that dd gave him whatever she was struggling with over the past weekend. Seems ds just doesn't have as strong of an immune system as my dd does. He fights with things a while longer and they tend to hit him harder. I am thinking that I need to do some kind of research on son really good immunity boosters that would be appropriate for 6 year olds.

So, aside from getting a few household projects done today, I think I am going to take the opportunity to nap some. I was up quite a bit last night with the kids. I am tired. I was also up late talking to a friend on the phone. Actually I was listening while she talked about all her recent woes and such. I like to stop every now and then and just have a day that I can sit around and not really do anything that anyone might find productive. I will nap with the kids, read books with the kids, find some odd show on tv that we have never seen. Last time we did that we ended up watching "The Deadliest Catch" or some such on Discovery and my ds absolutely loved it. Before that we found "Jon and Kate plus 8" and my 2 year old daughter is hooked. I am more than positive that I am not the only one who is longing for a big family, hehe.

Anyways, I am off to check temperatures and then find some things to do.

Reading through Ruth....

I have been reading through the book of Ruth. Over and over again. Each time a new little light bulb flicks on. I didn't and still don't understand everything, but I am working on understanding more and more of it. Lots of reading and research. In fact, I am thinking of finding a book called "Shattered Dreams". I read a comment about it in another book the other day that said, "he tells how God stripped Naomi of happiness to prepare her for joy." Wow. I can relate to that feeling, though.

Anyways, I have to admit that I am struggling a little with something. I think I might be a little too emotional to discern properly whether God had a message for me in this or not.

While reading Ruth, I was struck by the fact that Ruth was married to her former husband for 10 years without ever conceiving a child. It made me wonder why? Then I learned more about Moab and their god Chemosh. It was a pagan place that practiced child sacrifice. I wondered if I should consider it ironic that God didn't give them children in a place like that. Something else I wondered. If Ruth HAD had children, would she have dared make the journey? I don't know. It made me start thinking, though.

I am not exactly infertile. I am not the most fertile either. I have had my issues. I knew a long time ago, that my fertility was in question. When I left home I engaged in many ugly things. There were many partners over the years, and I never used anything to protect myself. But I never got pregnant. Now I am married to a wonderful man, and now we have 2 wonderful children. We are praying to have more. In fact, I just sent a prayer request out a few weeks ago to many of my friends regarding this topic. At right about the same time I sent out that request, I found Ruth.

(That is kind of ironic now that I think about it. My friend Ruth, the person, was just telling me that she felt this was the time, and that a baby would be coming soon, and then I start reading the book of Ruth. Coincedence? Creepy, hehe.)

Well, there I sat, pondering this message, and wondering if I was not so different than Ruth. Maybe God wasn't so much withholding as delaying. Maybe I wasn't where I needed to be to receive the blessings he had for us. And in that message, I found hope, thinking that God led me here to tell me that the blessings are going to come. Only in the past 2 to 3 years have I even begun to believe in children as a blessing from God as opposed to merely extra baggage in life. I admit that I have been praying that this really is God's message for me and not just my wishful thinking.

Just the other day, I came across an article in my email box that really seemed to be the "icing on the cake" for all the things I have been thinking about lately. In the article "Work the Wait" by Stephanie Voiland, I found SO MANY things that struck right at my heart. I cannot even begin to summarize the article, because every bit of it seemed to speak directly to me. I will try to add a link at the bottom. She did talk about Lazarus, though, and how "God sometimes doesn't give us what we request so he can give us something better." Jesus could have healed Lazarus before he died, but could that possibly have compared to being able to RAISE HIM?

There was one other thing from that article that I am making my own and clinging to. I want to grow during my waiting seasons rather than become bitter or lose faith!

www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2008/julaug/2.22.html

Lovely Morning

I am really enjoying having my clothesline back. The past few mornings I have been able to wash a load while the kids were getting up and eating, and haul it out to the line right after breakfast. The kids come out with me and enjoy some early playtime before it gets too hot to be outside. It is supposed to be a hot weekend. 100 degrees over the next few days. I hang the laundry and push the kids on the swings after every other garment or so, until they decide to run off and play on the trampoline or in the sandbox.

This morning the kids helped me make banana muffins from our leftover bananas. That is one fruit that will NEVER go to waste in our house. Lately, I am lucky if I buy enough to have leftovers for bread. My kids are little monkeys I guess. They really enjoy helping me, though. I think I will let them help me try the homemade tortilla recipe again either today or tomorrow.

Yesterday I spent most of the day getting "schoolwork" ready for the kids. K has started bugging me again. He is ready to get started. I was going to wait until the first week of August, but it seems we are all getting a little bored. It might be better for us to start early anyway, that way we can go slowly until we get the new schedule worked out some more. I did end up nixing a few things that we originally planned to use. I just couldn't seem to figure out how I wanted to use them, and then decided that I don't have to. I can just keep using what was already working well.

The kids are in a good mood this morning.  I think it is because we kind of had a game night last night. The kids haven't really gotten to spend much time with "daddy" lately because he has been so busy, so last night when he got home I talked him into a few rounds of Candyland. They absolutely beamed with joy last night. DD2yr old even went right to bed in her own bed without any fussing last night.

Well, I need to get some cleaning done inside today, so I am off. Have a blessed day everyone.

After the Departure

Ahhh. My house is a mess and I am sitting here enjoying the relative peace and quiet anyway. My in-laws just left this morning. It was a good visit, but it can still wear a girl out.

The kids have had a blast. They have played hard. We took them all to the movie theater yesterday to see WALL*E. Very cute little movie. We all loved it. We don't go to the movie theater very often. I almost choked when we had to pay almost $40 for everyone to get popcorn. IT"S POPCORN. My goodness. The kids were all wonderful, though, and the only one who made a mess was me, hehe. I went to reach for something and forgot that the large bag of popcorn was perched on the armrest between me and dh. I accidentally upended half the almost full bag of popcorn right into my dh's lap. Poor guy he just sat there looking at me with this very startled look as I tried to refrain from laughing. I failed. I laughed. I have never once claimed to be graceful.

We also got to take a trip by some of the museums on the nearby base this weekend. Once again, the kids had a blast. They decided to run around picking out which was each's favorite tank, helicopter, etc. We also got to see some of the memorials that they have set up for fallen soldiers. They have one set up for Iraq also. That was rather sobering to look at with my husband beside me, who leaves in November. I rest in the sovereignty of the Lord, though. I found yet another verse a few days ago that will be added to my prayers for him. Psalm 34:7 "The angel of the Lord encamps around them that fear him, and delivers them."

Anyways, here are a few pictures.

Anyways, I am going to go do some reading and then get to my chores. I am reading the book of Ruth. I will have to sit down and share sometime. I love when God gives me something right when or even right before I need it.

My Cookie

Wow, I have so much to share. Where to begin? How about with a cookie? LOL.

So, on Friday we had both my dh's company picnic and a hail and fairwell bbq in the evening. They both went wonderfully. The kids had a blast, and I got a cookie that made my whole weekend. If you haven't figured out what I am talking about when I say "cookie" read the post from earlier entitled "A Doorkeeper's Cookies". Okay, now that you are with me, let's get on with the story...

So, at the BBQ there was a sergeant that works closely with my husband. I got to sit and talk with him that evening a great deal. He has kind of a sad story regarding his marriage. His wife was there, but she chose to sit in the car for the entire evening and didn't want to join us for the meal. While we were talking, he vented a lot about the woes of his marriage and some of the things that his wife had done in the past that caused many problems for them. It was sad, but I listened. Trying to lighten the mood, I made a bit of a joke to him and my husband, saying "Ah, so now I know what you guys do all day. You tell each other horror stories about your wives." To my utter joy, I heard that, no, when the topic comes up, my DARLING husband tells others that he has dinner waiting for him when he comes home, and gets to relax and then go right to bed without worrying about anything because quote, "My wife takes good care of me." That was the best "cookie" I could have ever asked for!

Daddy Day

I am actually a little excited about today. We are attending a company picnic with dh today, and then we get to go as a family to a "hail and farewell" dinner tonight. We don't usually get to do much with dh during the day or involving his work, so this is kind of like a little special treat.

I am hoping for a nice relaxing weekend before my mother-in-law shows up next week with her two younger boys. I don't mind my mother-in-law or anything, it is just that with the kids running around the house will definitely be noisier while they are here.

I have slowly been working on getting the kids used to some more chores. I know that I am going to need a bit more help while dh is deployed and I definitely don't want to wait til the last minute to start working on it. DS has worked up to wiping off tables and counters and sorting laundry on occasion in addition to his other chores. DD (2) loves getting to help me check and pick things from the garden in the mornings, and she likes to feed the animals in the morning also. Now if we can just finish the potty-training, hehe.

I am still trying to think up creative ideas to keep us connected as a family while dh is gone. He agreed a while ago to let me video tape him reading some stories to the kids so they can play it back later. Yesterday, I asked him if he would take them up to the toy store some time and help them each pick out a special stuffed animal to sleep with while he is gone that would be "just from daddy". We also agreed that when they do that, I will take a picture of each of them with daddy and their new whatever to put in a frame in their room. Of course, we will send pictures, art and letters and such to him. I am trying to think of more things for the kids though. I am not always very good at being creative like this, so ideas are always welcome.

Anyways, guess I should get ready to go.

A Doorkeeper's Cookies

Recently a friend of mine said to me, “Sometimes I feel like Santa Claus. I give and give until I am left wondering…Where are MY milk and cookies?” At first I just sympathized. Later, I realized that I can totally relate.

I myself have been battling with discontentment a lot more than usual lately. Questioning God’s plan for me. Wanting more. Is this really all there is? This wife and mother bit is such a thankless job. Where ARE my cookies anyway? I am yet again guilty of listening to the world when it tells me that I deserve more. That what I have is not enough. It can be difficult to die to self when everyone around you is busy glorifying self.

When I read these verses this morning, I saw myself and so many others in these guys. I especially like the New King James Version of verse 3. “You take too much upon yourselves.” Can’t you just hear the underlying words? Let US help you with some of that burden! HA! God gave them a ministry. It was one that to me seems a bit behind the scenes. I wonder if they “rose up” because they wanted a little more glory than what they felt they were getting. As thankless as it might have seemed, their reaction showed thanklessness towards God and what he had entrusted them to do. In the end, they ended up with a lot less than what they started with. Nothing. Unless you want to count the ugly death.

I learned a while back during a bible study that Psalm 84 was a psalm “of the sons of Korah”. I don’t know how many were actually left after the earth opened up and swallowed their family, but I imagine it made quite an impression. I have no doubt that they really meant it when they sang “I would rather be a doorkeeper” than nothing at all in the house of God.

God reminded me this morning that he has already given me a very important ministry, whether it is very visible to others or not. I may very literally be the one who will open or close the door to God for my husband and children. I must find contentment in being a doorkeeper or risk ending up with nothing. I will get my “cookies”. I just may not ever get them on this side of heaven.

I CAUGHT HER!!!!

LOL... I caught my dd on camera trying to sneak treats from the pantry. She has been really bad about that lately. She finds whatever she can to climb on and get to things like cookies and candy. I usually don't keep that much around, but dh brought home  an entire CASE of girl scout cookies a while back. Alex is addicted. A few days ago she managed to climb up and get a box of daddy's cookies from on top of our bedroom tv cabinet and eat like 8 - 10 cookies before we caught her. She kept putting the cookie box right back after she grabbed a few. What gave her away was the chocolate covered teeth!

Yesterday turned out to be a good day, and today is following along nicely. Yesterday I ditched school and any other plans we really had to kick the kids outside. We all really needed it! Today we enjoyed a leisurely morning while the kids and I made some loaves of sandwich bread and some banana bread together. It is becoming more enjoyable now that they are getting a little older. DS (6)  helps me read and get all the ingredients, and DD (2 1/2) helps me pour and mix everything.

I finally joined one of the local homeschooling groups here. Of course, it is summer and most people are vacationing or whatnot, but once the "school year" starts I will very much be looking forward to get togethers and park days and such. The lady I talked to mentioned some coop stuff, but that just hasn't appealed to me. Then again, we are really blessed in the sense that whatever subjects I am not very good with, my husband is and vise versa.

PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) has just started up again also. I used to go to MOPS and the bible studies through my church before we moved. I heard about PWOC as we were moving. I like it. It is a lot like the other groups, but I don't have to pay for it. Big plus. Not that any of the former was all that drastically expensive. We have just spent too much money lately, and we need to get back onto our plan.

New Toys

I am very happy to announce that we have a new camera. Okay, I have a new camera. I am looking forward to being able to take lots of pictures again. We also got a new treadmill this weekend. We got a good deal on one of the clearance models. We've been talking about it for a while, but never really had the money for a decent one. My husband says that he is going to use it (he is the runner in the family), but I have a feeling that I might get the most use out of it. I love to walk, and even jog when I can get myself worked back up to it. I just won't do it outside here in Texas during the summer. It is hard with the 2 kids and 100 degree weather. I don't mind the heat and sweating so much as I mind the burning part. Especially on the kids. So, this should work out great. (We'll see, though, right?)

Anyways, I have decided to re-purpose our family website. We started it a few years back for the benefit of other family members that don't get to see us very often. What I have learned over the past few years is that those family members don't really bother to look at it that much. It's rather aggravating, but that's okay, because I am just going to use it for something else anyway. When dh deploys to Iraq later this year, I am going to completely dedicate the entire site for him. I will just focus on keeping everything updated with pictures and daily events and such so that he has a quick and convenient place to go check on things from us.

Today, I picked my first ripe cantaloupe out fo the garden. I am so excited. I put it in the fridge right away to cool off, and am saving it for when hubby gets home. Tonight, after or maybe even before dinner, we will all share one of our favorite family treats together.

Finishing Touches

It feels like we are finally getting some of those little things done that make this house finally feel like home. I sortta finished the flower bed in the front yard. I need one more bag of mulch. The last of the pictures are getting hung up on the walls, the kids sandbox is now full of sand, and we even figured out where to put up a new clothesline. I am hoping that dh can get that worked on this weekend. Before the electric bill gets sky high.

I am also starting to miss those peaceful times in the morning hanging out a load and watching the kids run around. I love to watch them run through the lines of clothes. It reminds me of when I used to hide in the sheets that my mother hung up many years back. I would pretend that I was in a labyrinth that kept changing with the breeze. Kind of like the movie.

I still need to work on re-seperating the kids rooms. I am not in a big hurry for that, though. It will get done in the next few months, I am sure. Right now we are more worried about spending time together. Today, dh and ds are going out to run some errands together, some male bonding time, while dd takes a nap and I worked on a few things around the house. We are also planning on going to a movie this weekend together. We do that like once a year, so this is a treat.

One of the perks of being a military family is that sometimes we get some really cool freebies or discounts. This year, we are going to take advantage of some free SeaWorld tickets. My mother-in-law is supposed to be here around the beginning of July if she can still make it. We will go regardless, but we are hoping to have a really nice family field trip. In fact, I still have some of the educational material I ordered through them a few years back, so this is just going to be added to our "school" schedule. Gotta love that about homeschooling.

Ya know, one of the issues I have with sharing my writing with others is that to me it feels like serving my heart up on a platter. Sometimes whatever ends up on that piece of paper, or typed on the computer screen, are the quietest of my thoughts. So sharing is like holding my heart out for someone to inspect. It is really intimidating for me. So imagine that you are standing there holding your heart out to someone you love and they set it aside and tell you, " I don't have time right now."....Ouch..... or better yet, one family member actually told me flat out that they weren't interested. So, if you can tell at all, I have been feeling rather depressed and hurt lately.

I keep telling myself that I am just going through a season of discomfort right now. With so much going on I have just been a little more emotional. DH has just been so busy at work that even the kids are beginning to complain. Thankfully, he has a 3 day weekend this weekend. He gets tomorrow off, and we are definitely going to enjoy having him home.

On a much more cheerful note, my Vitamix came to the rescue again today. I needed creamed corn for a recipe and all I had was frozen whole kernel. Out came the vitamix.

I have been spending a lot of time lately working on getting things ready for this coming school year. The books are all here, and I have been going through everything putting together my plan of attack, hehe. I think this is actually the most stressful part of the year for me. I got through the whole year of homeschooling and everything went great. Then I sit down to plan out what to do next and I suddenly feel overwhelmed. Maybe it is because up until now I have just dealt with planning out 2 subjects (reading and math) and I would usually only plan for a few weeks or so at a time. Now we have a lot more subjects and I am looking more at what I want to accomplish in a year instead of a few weeks. We are officially starting 1st grade now, and my husband is adamant that he wants our kids to be on the same general level as public school kids. He is thinking practically I guess. He wants it so that if something ever happens that the kids would need to be put into public school for a while, they would be okay.

DH is home. Time to go enjoy my weekend.

Growing boys...

I walked into the playroom a few days ago and found my 6 year old son hiding in a corner behind a bookcase with his underwear down and looking very embarrassed to say the least. That didn't bother me very much. What bothered me was that his 2 1/2 year old sister was standing right beside him playing. Blah! So, I have decided that it is time to seperate the kids. Up until now they have shared a bedroom. It has worked out really well so far, but I think it is time that ds has some more privacy.

So, I heard about the salmonella thing with the tomatoes. I am very thankful for my garden right now. When everyone else I know is worried, I have a container full of fresh from the garden cherry tomatoes in my refrigerator. My mother has taken up gardening this year as well after listening to me talk about it so much last year. She told me last night on the phone how she decided to bring a small grocery bag full of tomatoes from her garden to work with her. She was overflowing in them anyway. Everyone at her work was so thrilled and thankful. She confessed that it made her feel really good to be able to share something like that with everyone. It is funny to me to listen to my mother talk about the joy she is getting from blessing others. Though I still can't use the word "bless" around her or she cringes.

The kids are behind me making cards for my dh for fathers day. We have a few little projects to do over the next few days in preparation. Mom will be getting ready to do some baking. DH loves fresh homemade blueberry muffins and such. He actually has Friday off of work (WOOHOO!) so we need to get our cards and crafts done before then so that we can hide them, hehe.

Is anybody doing something really creative, yet inexpensive, for fathers day? I am not good at coming up with things. To be honest, we never did anything for the day as kids. None of our dads were around to celebrate. I am hoping to come up with some really cool ideas to do for when DH is deployed to Iraq next year for fathers day.

Catch-up Tuesday

I was really hoping to get a picture of the garden area and put it on here, but it seems my camera has finally given up on working. It has been giving us problems for a while, but now it just won't do anything. I tried yesterday to get a picture of the second raised bed that we finally got to put in. I was so excited to finally be putting that together. I decided that the first thing I wanted to put in there would be the strawberries that started going crazy in the other bed. I started out with 4 very little strawberry plants back in April. By the time I transferred them and all the new plants and shoots they have been producing, they practically filled the entire new 8 foot by 4 foot raised bed. Wow! No body ever told me that strawberries were a weed! 4 became about 40.

My son was so excited just a few days ago. He "graduated" from his Winnie the Pooh Kindergarten computer game. He really does love being on the computer. We have still been doing some of his book work here and there. I am finding that even though year round schooling was not the original intention, it happened, and it seems to work really well for us. Here it is summer,  and we are finally slowing down enough from everything else. The trips, the moving, the projects. We have finally had time to sit and work on the schoolwork together. And besides, it is starting to heat up here in Texas, so what better time to stay in the air-conditioned house and work on something else?

I am so behind on cleaning this week already. Not stressing it, though. Just noticing that I am. Yesterday started off at about 2am. My dh got a call just before 2 that one of their guys was in a motorcycle accident. Nothing sends icy chills down my spine like the words "motorcycle accident". Maybe it is from a past experience where someone I loved very much was in a motorcycle accident. Even though he was okay, it didn't make it any less scary or painful. So, when my husband hopped up from bed and started making phone calls, I had a hard time getting back to sleep. Several times I got up myself and wandered to the door of the office. I asked if there was anything I could do, or anything I could help him with. He would just say, "No, not really." each time, and I would wander away. Now that I think about it, I probably should have just prayed for the man. Silly me.

Anyways, yesterday was lost to remembering. There are about 3 or 4 boxes still unpacked sitting in corners around this house. Yesterday, while messing around with one in my bedroom closet, I came across our box of photos and my old journals. The earliest dating back to the very end of 1998. Yes, I keep journals. I thought about throwing them out at one time, but then I read through it and realized how much I forget. So, yesterday I sat and read again. What a journey. In one entry I read what almost blew my mind. It was before I actually became a Christian, and I was living with some very dark stuff. Yet, even I managed to forget ever writing words like these:

"I need something now. Something to show me where the next path leads. Something to show me where it begins!...I searched for my comfort in God, and only found the effort futile. There is an open void within my chest where once my heart beat, and there is an open void in the sky where once my God stood. I am alone and frightened, there is comfort in nothing. My puzzle has fallen apart. These doubts and fears that haunt me day and night. Are they no more than the wake of my life, or is there more?"

Scary, huh? I tell you the truth. It is an act of shear effort to try and follow with my mind the broken and winding path that finally got me to where I am. To God and to a life with joy in it.

Okay, I just don't know what to say after that, so I am going to go about my day, hehe. Be blessed!

Of Deserts and Wives

(yesterday)

“I almost had to get my car washed the other day.”

Why is he telling me this? Did something happen to the car? “Why?”

“I drove by Hooters the other day and they were having a car wash.”

My eyebrow raises.

“Have you ever seen a Hooters carwash?” he asks.

My nerves suddenly feel like they are crackling with electricity. I notice that he is watching me out of the corner of his eyes. He is trying to tease me. When I realize this I try to calm my nerves and try to think of a way to respond that will not wound him, but still express how this made me feel.

With a smile I tell him, “Honey, I know you are teasing, but that doesn’t exactly help my self-confidence right now.”

He turns to look at me. “Oh…sorry. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

I am getting much better at this. Many times I have wanted to just vent and tell my husband what a complete jerk I think he is being. In the past I would have done just that, and just as the Bible predicted, it would cause more hurt feelings and anger. This is one of the times that God’s word restored peace quickly to our marriage.

When encounters like this happen it always reminds me of a very defining event in my life. Back before I became a Christian and had God’s word to give me guidance.

When I was still in the Army some of our group was put on a detail with a bunch of the tankers and infantry guys. That was not bad in itself, but after a week or two of being on this detail with them I had only heard them speak poorly about their wives and marriages. There was a lot of grumbling and complaining.

On another day, I was sitting and listening to one particular guy talk about how much he just wanted the detail to end. It was the kind of detail where we were all bunking in a random little building somewhere and didn’t get to see our own homes or rooms for nearly a month. Then the man stated, “….and then I get to go home to my wife.”

Assuming from my previous experiences that this guy must be being sarcastic, I said, “I am sorry to hear that.”

Startled, he looked back at me and practically yelled, “Are you KIDDING? I can’t WAIT to get home to my wife!”

The single thought that stuck with me from that day forward was, THAT is the kind of wife I want to be!

When I think back on that event now I find myself feeling very sad that this one unnamed wife seemed to be the exception to the rule. Sometimes I still feel like I am failing miserably in this area, but I still would like to think that my husband would have a wealth of good things to say and think about our marriage. That coming home to me is still a better part of his day. This has become an even more present thought in my mind as we prepare for my husband’s upcoming deployment to Iraq. He really will be living in a desert then. (Proverbs 21:19) Will it be better than being home with me? I am confident now that I can say NO to that question.

I always wonder to myself and of other women, what do you think it is that your husband is going to remember about you?

NO, NO, NO, I don't wanna GO!

The only real problem with this day is that I am really indecisive about when to leave. Thing is, I don't want to, even though I have plenty of reasons to go.

We are heading to Florida for a few weeks. Originally it was to be a month, but it has slowly been reduced to about 2 1/2 weeks. My mother lives there and a friend who just had a baby that I can't wait to see, along with her other kiddos. I found out on Monday that my mother has been hospitalized with some severe intestinal infections and had to have a surgery to remove her appendix and a drainage tube put in. They say she will be fine and out in another couple days. So, I should want to be there right?

Nope. I think I am sick of "going". With the moving and then the trip to Colorado and now this. I told my dh last night that I just want to stay here with him. I really feel at home here already. Not that he is home a whole lot. Now he is gone more because he is acting first sergeant. I couldn't be prouder, but I get to missing him.

I keep thinking that if I leave tonight I can get a few hours drive in before I have to stop and that will make tomorrow a little easier. Then again, I don't really NEED to hurry, so I could just stay here with dh tonight. I think that is the option I am going to take. Also, I doubt I will make it more than the 2 weeks before I finally scream, THAT'S IT! I WANNA GO HOME!

Love never fails

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  (Galatians 6:9)

It seems to me that when God speaks to me, it is always through some form of print. I don't blame him. It's about the only way to get my attention. I was reading something today and 3 little words spoke so profoundly to my heart about something I hadn't fully admitted to myself was bothering me yet. "Love never fails."

I find it far too easy to become discouraged with a certain relationship in my life. I doubt and wonder, and my heart begins to question. When, Lord? Am I doing ANY good and if so when will I be able to see something, anything? Or am I going to fail? "Love never fails." Never? There would have to be completely and utterly no change to fail. Even change the size of a mustard seed is the start of a miracle.

With sweet words in my heart, another verse popped into my head. (I must admit I got a little giddy about that. I have never had whole verses just pop into my head before.) Galatians 6:9. I will focus on not growing weary or discouraged from doing good. Though it may seem like I am seeing no substantial gain, I must trust God that even the tiniest thing to me is a mountain of promise. As I looked at this verse again today, I noticed something. It does not say that we may, or could, or even should reap a harvest. It says that we WILL reap a harvest. I like that promise. I will hold that promise close to my heart.

A New Direction?

I had a step-brother that once described his Attention Deficit in such a way: "Imagine you are a leaf. There is a caterpillar on you that just keeps nibbling away. When I take the medicine, it is like I am transformed into a whole new leaf with no caterpillar."

Today I felt like that leaf with a caterpillar. For the most part, it was such a normal day. There was just something not sitting right on my soul or something. It was like I had someone poking ever so lightly at my heart. So, I went about my day, and then when quiet time came around I tried to dig through my stack of books to find a good book to read. My absolute favorite pastime. I just couldn't do it, though. I just could not focus on any of the words. None of them could hold my attention. So, I put the books away and got down to pray. Lord, are you trying to get my attention?

I prayed for whatever or whomever crossed my mind. I sat silently for a while. The only thing that occurred to me was to do some more cleaning and emptying boxes, so feeling a little like a failure, I went to bounce on the kids' trampoline for a while before returning to the house to clean.

A little time went by and I walked past a box full of books that has been sitting around waiting for me to sort through it and put things away. I almost walked by, but decided to take a seat and see what was actually burried in it. As I rummaged through like a child in a toybox, I came across a stack of bible studies and a few small devotionals that were given to me as gifts and had naturally completely forgotten about. Soon I found myself setting a few off to the side to begin reading, and suddenly I realized...I suddenly had peace. That nagging feeling was gone and I was a new leaf. Here in my hands I must be holding the very "medicine".

I carried the books to the nightstand in my room, reading over the titles with a little more care this time, and having but one thought. This is going to be interesting indeed, Lord.

Screaming for Him

I had the weirdest dream I think I have ever had.

I could hear my children behind me, but I told them to just stay where they were safe. Why was I here? I knew this place, but it was different. I was standing in the empty yard where my grandparents house used to be. There were small boats in the canal at the back of the yard and the trees that framed the sides of the yard were all still exactly where I remembered them, but the house was not there.

It was dark and gray and the clouds continued to roll in ever more fierce. I just couldn't figure it out. Why was I here? Part of me knew I was dreaming and kept searching for some reasoning behind it all that just kept evading me.

The storm began to wash over me and the thought to move occured at the same time I realized that I could not  move. Beneath my long skirt, my feet were cemented to the ground. I began a silent prayer in my head for protection. Lord, I need you. But what if he can not hear me? What if I am not loud enough? What if I have been QUIET for too long? And why have I been so quiet?

Deciding suddenly that I would rather offend everyone than risk Him not hearing me, I began screaming as loud as I could at the storm, "JESUS, I NEED YOU!" over and over.

The storm slowly subsided as I was pulled away from the dream, still wondering, why here? Why in that place that I had almost forgotten?

Great weekend so far...

The flea market hunt for a school desk for my daughter went great. The one we found was identical to my son's desk, and in fabulous condition. We wiped it off and moved it in. We also found a nice little plastic chair for her in perfect condition.

I have had to ask around for some good dinner roll recipes lately. I didn't really have one that I liked. Gonna try at least one tomorrow to go along with our roast. I don't know what I did wrong, but WOW, did I do something wrong the other day when I tried a yeast roll recipe. You know how Playdo gets when it starts to dry out and you get those nasty dry hard clumps. Well that is what the dough did. I have never had that happen before. So, instead of fighting with it, I tossed it all.

Okay, I don't really have much else to say. Off to drink my tea and read before bed. =)