I doubt anyone actually reads my seldom-posted-to blog...but I guess it's nice to just put somethings down in print...

Life has been quite a roller-coaster ride since I last posted...due to my kind nature and the indifference of some close relatives of mine...my "time off" was greatly shortened and I was hastened back into the workaday world sooner than I wanted....needed.

An acquaintance of mine happened to be starting a new business right around the time I was running out of money...and so I went to work for his company as an independent contractor. Things went well for a time...and then with things being the way they are right now...he decided (literally) one day to close up shop...no warning...no notice...

Some friend. (which we had become...or so I thought while we were working together)

He's a millionaire...and I'm more broke than when I started back to work. :(

So...here I am.

I have more or less figured out what it is that I want(ed) to do with my life...but now...more than ever it looks more and more like a pipe dream...and the sad part is it's not even that far fetched.

Since October...my DW has threatened divorce several times...because of the changes that I have gone through...changes BACK to who I was...who I am supposed to be.

I began to see that she was (as my kids stepmom) being flat out MEAN and ridiculous in her handling of my son's...and I began to stand up and put a stop to it...and being a controlling person...she refuses to accept that.

We went to counseling a couple times...but the last time I told her that since she was actually making slightly more than I...and yet I was paying all of the bills...and buying half of the feed and groceries each month...that if we were to continue going to counseling...that she was going to have to pay for half of each session.
She agreed...but has never come up with her half...so we haven't gone back.

Things are spotty...my oldest son (the one working at McDonalds) turned 18 and promptly moved out of the house...he needed to get away because he was the main target of my wife's wrath. He lives about a mile away...but I only see him once or twice a month...he doesn't like to come around.

DW has decided that SHE wants to go to nursing school now. Unless I was mistaken...WE had decided that it was my turn...I worked my tail off for years...while she stayed home...and during some of that time...I supported her desire to train to be a Medical Transcriptionist.
I bought her a new computer...and her tuition was paid for twice with the help of her mom...and then the second time...her dad (she's a 40 year old woman mind you). She never completed either course...so all in all her training cost her mom, dad and I over $7,000 for....nothing.

Now...she wants me to take any old job...working as many hours as I can...for two years while SHE goes to nursing school...and then...to hear her tell it...I can not work as much as I want to.
Of course...my kids will be gone...my whole reason for wanting more time at home...especially since she has spent a lot of time NOT wanting anything to do with me for the past year.

So let me summarize this.
I am supposed to work, put her through school again...and then...hopefully...if we're still married...or will remain married with all of that additional stress on our lives...THEN...I can take some time off....?

Somehow...I think not.

Please tell me I am not being ridiculous... *shrugs*

I found out in the last year that my wife had let the boys schooling go WAY by the wayside...and I was too  busy before to doubt her. We have a lot of serious accountability issues...and I am beginning to doubt that they will ever be resolved.

So...I am unemployed now...cannot count on any financial help from my wife...and I am living on credit cards (the ones I paid off last year)...how's that for a step forward?

Aw heck...I'm sorry for the "down" tone of this post....but I'm gonna go now...because if I keep writing...it's just going to get worse...

I have heard that God sometimes has to break you...to make you...well...dear God...I am broken...and praying for your wisdom and guidance....

Thanks for "listening".

RM

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Well, it's been two months since my last post...two months since I made life changing move of leaving my job to spend time with my family and to figure out what I want to do with my life.

You may wonder..."How's it going?"

Well.....

I am spending all of my time with my family...all except my oldest son (the one with the McDonalds job)...he works a lot right now...and has been wanting to spend a lot of his free time with his few close friends...I guess that that is typical of a teenager...but the timing was really bad for me...because he is the one I have the shortest time with...and that was one of the most compelling reasons to be here...where I am today.

I am still at a loss as to what I want to do with my life...so I have decided...or rather figured out...came to the conclusion that it all starts with me.

I am a very overweight man. I am in relatively good health since I've always kept active, but I have been heavy since I was young. So...yesterday I began a fitness routine that I plan on being the first step...and ultimately the cornerstone of my entire future.
I have long wanted to do something about my weight...and wanted to be "fit". For the past couple of years, my 'excuse' has been because I was too busy at my work...that I had so little time to do anything else...that I just did not have the time. All of that was true...WAS being the operative word. My excuse is gone. Now I have to put up or shut up.

I will be 'putting up'.

The process will take awhile...and while I have the ability to stay off of work for a few more months...I still have a heart-wrenching need to discover my...no not my...God's plan for my life. And I gotta tell ya...it's HARD to stop, be quiet and listen for Him to reveal it to me...
We all live such busy...noisy lives that it is HARD to slow down, be quiet and listen for God to speak to us...and it is HARD to be patient because we are not yet at the place that He wants us to be before He will reveal it to us.
I look at the bank account...I look at the calender and I see life rushing past, the balances getting lower and I grow impatient. I am grateful that God has given me this time...so VERY grateful...but I feel like I am wasting away...like my life is getting too far gone to be redeemed...to accomplish something GREAT!
I know it is not true...that God can use anyone...anywhere...at ANY time...to accomplish His plan for their lives...
It's still tough...waiting...

I have always told my sons...(and other folks that I chose to share with) the thought that you should , when pursuing a career, DO WHAT YOU LOVE! I know that that is not original advice...but if you think about it...feel it the way that I do...you know that it is a pure, simple TRUTH that many in this world do not strive for...or towards...and for them...and myself to this point in my life...I feel sorry.
That's the process I find myself in...I know that God has His plan...and I know that He will want me to LOVE what I do...and so...I am and have been refining my thoughts...my feelings...sorting through all  the junk and garbage that have accumulated over the years...sifting out the good...and hopefully leaving behind the bad...so far I don't feel like I am doing a very good job of it...but I do see some changes in me...changes for the better...and that's a start.

I don't know when I will know where I am going...or how I'm going to get there...but in the meantime I do know that I am not ready to go back to doing what I left...and I am not ready to sell my soul...my family's soul for a steady paycheck...we have what seems like a LONG way to go..but then I didn't sign on to this adventure called life with a expectation of short term gains anyway...

Wish me luck!

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Well...the deed is done...the task is completed...the workday is finished...for awhile...

Backed into a corner at my job....facing the reality of having missed a large chunk of my kids growing up years...I made the decision...broke the mold and resigned from my position...after 11 years.

I was faced with the decision of my boss to place me onto a shift that would not allow me (with my commute and the length of the shift) any time with my family...or to sleep for that matter. I would have had to get out of bed by noon, leave the house by one to make it to work in time...leave work at 4 in the morning....and hopefully be home by 5....straight to bed...and back up by noon to do it all over again.

That just was not do-able...I would have no time to sleep a proper "days" sleep...nor see or spend time with my family. So...as of last Friday...I am willfully unemployed...for the first time in my 37 years of life...and over 20 years of working full-time....

My wife is fully behind this decision...and is actually upset that I postponed it as long as I did...waiting on what I believed to be God's timing. I was sure in the past couple of months that I had His blessing to leave...but never felt the time was exactly right. Well...the push by my boss to force me into a position I couldn't work with....and the crushing burden of a severe debt load indicated to me that it was time to go...take what money I could get from severance and whatnot...and get debt FREE and see what else was out there in the world!

The time was right...it was God's time...and it was undoubtedly perfect.

Everyone kept asking me what I was going to do...where I was "going" (meaning another job)...or what my plans were...to which I came up with several answers...
What am I going to do? Nothing...maybe go fishing with my dad and sons...I dunno... (and then I'd leave them with a BIG grin... )
Where am I going? Home.
What are your plans? The "plan" is...to figure out...what the "plan" is...

After 11 years....saying goodbye was not as hard as I thought it would be...and my boss graced me with 3 fine cigars...a leather case to carry them in and a nice Xikar lighter...and the clear message that the door was "open" should I decide to come back...which is nice to know.

So...I've been off two days (which I would have been off anyway, right...the weekend and all... )...and I have spent it resting ands relaxing...and going to a movie with my wife and one son (the other saw it already with his friends)...

So...tomorrow starts the first day of my new life...and as much as I am trying to force myself to just take a couple of months and just be...ME...I know that I will quickly grow restless and want to move onto a new business, job or...who knows...?

I am very seriously considering going to nursing school...and becoming an RN. Male nurse...some may laugh...but not to my face...I can assure you that...

I wouldn't mind starting some sort of simple...mobile business in the meantime...for extra funds to supplement what money I will have in savings...and something I can do with my boys. The oldest just went down today and got a job at the McDonalds in the small town nearest our rural home...and while I am proud of him...my hope is that we can work together at a home/mobile based business sometime in the near future while I attend school.

I dunno...I guess we'll figure out the plan...in the meantime...I need to learn to relax... and enjoy this time...

Wish me LUCK!

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