Mothers Who Know

I am still here!!

Wow! Has is really been three weeks since I last posted!? Time just goes by so fast sometimes.

Last week, was my husband was on vacation for the week. We ended up splurging a little, as I dont think we are going on a real vacation this year, and our ski trip got rained out. So we did roller skating, Chuck E Cheese's, pizza a few times, and rented some movies.

We also managed to get some painting done. We painted the stairway area, and the upstairs hallway. Then we finally hung all the kids newborn pictures going up the stairs. We bought eight frames, (in case we ever need another matching one), so we put a picture of all the kids together in the last one at the top of the stairs.

It was so nice to spend the week as a family. Vacations always make me yearn for when your whole family lived and worked together all the time. You had breakfast, lunch, and dinner all as a family. The young men would go work with their dad, and learn how to be a man by his side. The young women would help learn to run the home, and the younger ones had plenty of worthwhile activities to keep them busy. Life wasn't so frantic, so split. It was whole.

Please Pray for Carrie

I just wanted to post a Thank you to Carrie from the How I love thee blog. I have enjoyed her blog immensely. I have learned so much about being a mom, a homeschooler, and a wife from her blog. Some I learned from her directly, other things from her links, and still more from the comments on her pages.

She has been having a rough time in her family lately, and posted that she will be closing her blog. I pray that the Lord will see her through this trial. It is always so sad to see someone who tries so hard to do what she should, be tried even further by fire. It is especially sad, when that trial comes at the hands of someone that is supposed to be thier support, thier protector, and thier best friend.

I encourage all to pray for Carrie and her family. May the Lord continue to watch over her and strengthen her, and that she will feel the comfort that she needs. May she find inspiration in the scriptures, and consolation through her prayers. Carrie, I will miss your words of wisdom, you are truly A Mother Who Knows.

Brenda

New Blog Look

I want to change the template of this blog, I can no longer stand the brown!! I went to new template and it said that changing the template will delete any changes I have made to the template I already have. Does that mean it will delete all my entries? of just the changes to the actual template - like the little banner I have in the corner? Could someone let me know. I really want to change the look, but I dont want to lose all these entries.

Thanks

Growing out of 'it' Part Three

So, what is the point of these three posts? I am hoping to share what I have learned with others just starting out, and I am hoping to learn from those a little further ahead on the road. It took me six children and almost thirteen years to figure out that children don't grow out of character flaws. They are taught out of them - they dont grow out of them. I spent most of the time, when my children were little, managing them, when I should have been training them. I managed, contained, refereed, baby proofed, distracted, nagged, and scolded, when I should have been training.

Issues relating to immaturity are resolved in time. Not being able to sit still for very long, waking up in the middle of the night, potty training accidents, stuff like that is grown out of. Temper tantrums, though grown out of on a physical level, are not grown out of on an emotional level. Blaming everyone else for your problems is not grown out of. Character issues are not grown out of. If you have a child that struggles with lying, if it is not addressed and addressed successfully, the child will continue to have a problem with lying. The same thing with anger, and respect for others.

A lot of time, these things can be taught, as they get older, and corrected. But, oh how much extra energy it takes to change a heart when they are older, than to just train it when it is younger. Training methods vary from person to person, and family to family, but it must be there. There must be a standard that is set, and consistent reinforcement of that standard. There must also be practice, and time to try out skills. If you have a child that has a character issue, you need to spend the time NOW training him - the younger, the better. As for those other things, that they do grow out of - the things that parenting magazines are full of - dont worry about them. Children will eventually crawl, walk, talk, make friends, potty train, sleep through the night, regardless of our parenting skills and worries. Chidren, however, will not become moral, faithful, hardworking, and trustworthy adults without good parenting skills.

They don't grow out of 'it'. They grow into 'it' more strongly the longer they are allowed to be that way.

Disclaimer: I am writing with the assumption that all people reading already know that children, especially babies, need to be loved. They need affection, safety, security, a strong bond with thier mothers and fathers, and lots of time being held, snuggled, and otherwise loved. The training mentioned is in addition to those things, and done in a loving caring manner consistent with that of Mother Who Knows.

Growing out of "it" Part Two

So, here we are with now five children, starting to feel a little overwhelmed at times. It started to get more tiring. We spent a year betweeen building a house, and moving into the new one, with a stop at my parents house for four months in between. By the time we moved I was so exhausted, at that point, I was hoping we were done having children.

Once we got settled, things improved to the point that I again was hoping that we would have more children. A few months later, I got pregnant. With the pregnancy, and the tiredness that came with it, came again, that exhausted feeling. Our computer crashed, my best friends and supports moved out of state, and so by the time I had the baby, and the kids starting misbehaving during homeschooling again, I decided to let them try school.  They attended for a year and a half.  Nobody's behavior got better, I just didnt have to deal with it all day long. In some instances, it got worse. I noticed that they were not getting along with each other as well as they had prior to school. My oldest daughter, was being made to feel bad at school, because she liked being with her family.

They all came back home, and at first, it was so great. I couldn't believe I had let them go to school!! I so loved having them all home. I was able to recapture my vision of why I wanted a large homeschooling family. I loved my children more than ever. As the days wore on, and the newness of being together wore off though, the behavior challenges came back.

The three year old that had blamed everyone, was now a twelve year old, that blamed everyone - not so cute. The little girl that had been like a hurricane, had mellowed out around age 8, but still wouldn't cooperate unless she wanted too. The little girl who as a baby wouldn't acknowledge people talking to her, was a seven year old with no respect for anyone's authority. (Which believe it or not, I still convinced myself was good, as when she did behave, she was really choosing to behave, she wasn't behaving out of fear) My little boy was still calling me names, and was very defiant towards me.

I want to point out again, however, that they were not always like this. They had very good days. We were complimented every time we went somewhere, especially when we went out to eat. The children amazed us with what they were capable of when they tried. They would set the table up and make it all fancy and make lunch. My oldest could cook pretty well, and behaved excellent for everyone else - I was always hearing compliments about him. My oldest, Cata, was an absolute miracle worker with the babies - they would go to her like a second mother. Ashes was my artist, and very creative. They weren't 'bad' kids, they just had struggles here and there - mostly at home with me. That is why it took so long for me to finally realize that my "grow out of it" strategy wasn't working.

Growing out of 'it" Part 1

I have come to a certain realization in the past year or two. Children don't 'grow out' of certain things. They grow out of clothes, they grow out of teething, nursing in the middle of the night, and other baby type things, but they dont grow out of character issues.

When we were new parents, I was appalled at the suggestions that I should somehow 'curb' my child's expressions of self. I was supposed to stop him from asserting his 'independence', curb his curiosity, and not allow the 'expression' of emotions?? What kind of horrible, mean spirited tyrant did they think I wanted to be?? That might have been the way other people had raised thier children in the past. But, me, I was a young parent. I had studied all about children and thier need to express themselves, and the need to be able to explore thier enviroment with out any fear of being labeled naughty. And we set out on the journey of parenting.

It was cute when he would get mad, and blame everyone else for things. He would fall off his bike, and blame one of us for looking at him, or calling his name too loudly. He was two and a half, how could you not laugh??!! When he didnt like a meal, or I made something I didnt think he would like, I just made an alternate meal. It was no big deal.

Along came number two. She was like a walking hurricane. Sweet and sensitive and my most spiritual, but when she was little, she was a hurricane. She went from the time she got up to the time she went to bed. On the furniture, on the counters, climbing everything she could. We put the chairs on top of the table for a while to keep her from climbing on the table.

Number three came. We thought it was funny how she would refuse to look at other people. We told people it was because she was shy. It was really because she did not like anybody else but me, but I knew those parenting police people out there wouldn't understand that, so we called her shy, and everyone was ok with that.

Number four came, and was a delight. Till I stopped nursing him at three. His baby brother was six months old, and after six months of waiting his turn, he decided he was all done nursing. Within a few months, he had turned on me. My third, Ashes, had been very attatched to me, to the point she would scream if left with Dad, so I figured if this one wanted only Dad, then so be it. I would accept it without complaint, and let Dad have his turn as the favorite parent. I even found it amusing when at two, he decided to call me 'poophead', as well as everyone else. We did work on him not saying that, so he switched to 'I hate you'. My mother said she liked poophead better.

Now, lest you have the wrong impression, we did have rules, we did teach them things. They were all regular kids. They had good moments, and bad moments. The bad moments at first, were few and far between, and so they were bearable, even funny at times to us. However, as the children increased, their faults started to seem magnified. One child having a fit here or there and blaming you, was one thing, but four was a different story. Having to hold one child in your lap becuase he wouldn't sit in time out was one thing - try to do that when they decide to all misbehave.

Our main parenting philosophy was to try to just get through the stages, and try to teach them to be good when they were in good moods. This was more easily accomplished when I only had two or three. I had lots of time for stickers, and charts, and "we are not going anywhere until ____ is accomplished".  I was sure that all these problems we were having would be grown out of.

End of the Year

As I sit here and type, I am amazed that another year is about to come to a close. Remember when it seemed to take forever for seasons to change, and years to go by?? The brand new baby girl I started off last year with, - is already walking. My oldest son, who I couldn't wait to walk and talk, and grow up, has now not only grown up - but grown past me!! He is fourteen, and quite a few inches taller than me.

Every year that ends seems to cause a review of the past year. Did we live up to any of our resolutions we made last year?? Did we accomplish any of our grand plans?? Is our family where we thought it would be at this time last year? Are we finally the kind of mother and wife we wanted to be?? Is our home finally clean at all times, dinner on the table every night, and all our other commitments taken care of??

In other words, are we perfect yet?? Every year I seem to make a list of all my deficiencies and resolve to not have them next year. I am going to finally do everything right next year. The problem is - this is an impossible goal. We cannot all of a sudden just will all our shortcomings away. It takes hard work, consistent practice, and LOTS of prayer before we can turn a weakness into a strength. It takes a plan, commitment, patience, and did I mention humility and prayer??

So this year, I am not going to make any specific resolutions except that I am going to try my best. That is my goal this year. To do my best. And that is all any of us can really do. 

It's Snowing!!

We had about seven inches fall today. It looks so beautiful outside. Everything all covered in white - looks so clean and heavenly. This world is a truly beautiful place. We are so blessed to live in an area where we get to experience all four seasons.

The kids all bundled up this afternoon after learning a lesson on procrastination. I had told them all morning that it was going to snow, and before they could go out they had to finish thier chores, and at least get their math done. It was a little later in the day, as we had been out late looking at Christmas lights the night before so everyone slept a little later, and we had run some errands in the morning. However, they just kind of kept wandering about, not really putting forth much effort. Thier reasoning was: It hadn't started to even snow yet, and when it did, it would take a few hours to even have enough to enjoy - so they were waiting. All of a sudden, as if on cue when they said that - it starts snowing, and within a few minutes the ground starts getting covered. The kids pick it up a notch. Within a half hour, there is an inch. The kids start running around.

All of a sudden, there is an organized effort. One is in the kitchen cooking the frozen pizza we had bought that morning, while the other one is tutoring the littles in thier math. Then, after lunch, some are cleaning up while others are gathering mittens, boots, and coats for the younger ones. Within an hour, the downstairs has been tidied, lunch has been made, eaten, and cleaned up, and math has been done. A few more minutes and all except the baby are outside playing in the snow. It is always amazing what they can pull off with the proper motivation!!!!

Princess Chaluba

Romneys speech

I have posted the text to Mitt Romey's speech on faith below as I thought he did an absolutely fantastic job. This was not written by his speechwriters, but personally by him. Whether or not you are voting for him, I thought this speech made a lot of good points about the common faith of our country. We need a President that respects and recognizes the hand of God in the affairs of this country.

Religion is not something that we are supposed to protect the state from, it is something we are supposed to protect FROM the state. I had not meant to make this blog go political this early, but some things are too important not to be said.

This country was built on prayers and faith, and it will only be saved from itself by prayers and faith.  Please read the text below and let me know your thoughts. Regardless of your political views, Romney should be recognized as a man of faith, and integrity, and family values.

Brenda

Mitt Romneys Speech on Faith

Glasses

I made a mistake this morning. I slept in. My husband slept in a little later than usual, and all the kids were still sleeping when he got out of the shower. So thinking I had a golden opportunity - I siezed it, and went back to sleep. Needless to say, within seconds of him walking out the door, they were all up. Which normally isn't a big deal, as I do have quite a few older kids to watch the littles while I shower.

Today though, I made the mistake of allowing the three year old to stay in my room while I showered. I also made the mistake of leaving my eyeglasses sitting on my bureau. Normally, she just tries them on and/or brings them to me. Not today!!! I was greeted by her holding the glasses in one hand, and the lenses in the other hand, and her shrugging her shoulders repeating over and over "I sorry, I sorry". They look like they were run over!!

We had a dentist appt. at 11:20, which we had to leave for at 10:40. It was now 8:38. By the time I got dressed, and got everyone else dressed, and breakfast and chores were done it was closer to 9:30. We drove over to the eyeglass place, and fortuneately they could make me a new pair, which I picked up after the dentist appt. - which was forty five minutes in the opposite direction. So much for my nice relaxing morning I had planned. Ever have a day like that?

On the silver lining side - at least it happened on a day I had the extra time to spend running to the eye doctors. Plus, my glasses had been needing to be replaced anyway (lost nose pad things), as they were always slipping off my face, and were scratched, and I just hadnt gotten to it - now I have!! Plus, Ashes, the second daughter, got her teeth fixed - we have tried to do it a few other times, and she was too scared to let them touch her once they stuck her with the needle. So today, my husband met us on lunch and went in with her, while I stayed in the waiting room with all the rest of the kids, and that did the trick - so she was finally able to have her cavities fixed.

Homeschool Blogger

I just realized last night that there was a homeschool blogger site. So I took a few moments to set up an account over there as well. It is called Liberty Academy, but the actual address at homeschool blogger is title of liberty.

It only has two entries so far, and I am not sure how I am going to keep up with both blogs - but I thought it would be nice to have a site just dedicated to how we run our homeschool, what our goals are, and why we homeschool.

Catching up Day!!

The kids are all off catching up on various projects around the house - so I have an extra minute. I just finished placing on online order of some church materials I have been meaning to get. I ordered all of the Primary curriculum books, the Aaronic Priesthood set, the beginning reader versions of the Scriptures, and a few other things. Oh, and I got a new picture kit. I love that kit - it has a picture (drawing) for every major bible story/theme in the scriptures as well as a synopsis of the story. It is a must have for devotionals with children!!

Our plans today include: catching up on dinner dishes (someone loaded lunch and forgot to run the dishwasher, so when we tried to clean dinner, we were met with a load of dirty dishes - so we are way behind as we had a big chicken dinner last night - plus a homemade apple pie!! Wash by hand - what's that??!!), catching up on laundry (Sat. was the ward christmas party which I was in charge of - so no laundry has been done since Fri morning, and I was a little behind then :-)), homeschool, morning devotional, and then I am hoping to make gingerbread cookies with the kids to hang on the tree we are going to pick out tonight.

The kids all want to decorate the tree the minute we get home - they dont understand the concept of letting it 'fall'. So, I thought if we had gingerbread cookies, we could decorate them when we get home with the tree, then have some hot chocolate, and we will read the story of the three trees for Family Home Evening. Then tomorow night, we will decorate the tree. I love Chrismas.

Oh, I almost forgot, we need to get the room ready for the tree (re: more cleaning - sigh..), and then get the stuff out of the attic to decorate the rest of the house with. So far all we have done is the lights outside and my new little village. Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I just love all the parties and get togethers - as I love spending time with friends and family. I love establishing traditions, and seeing my kids get as excited as I used too waiting to go to the same parties.

We have plans to go carolling at two different nursing homes (not today though) - one with church, and one with the homeschool group. I think I bought too much for the kids toy wise, so I think we will be doing a secret santa to someone that needs help. And I am hoping to make cookies for the neighbors that we can put a little spiritual message with. Now, if I could just keep this house clean in the middle of it all...........

Heavenly Father Loves You!!

Today was Fast and Testimony at Church today. Once a month, usually the first Sunday, the members all abstain from food and drink for two meals and donate the amount they would have used to buy food to the poor. This allows even those with very modest means to participate in being charitable. Usually we start our fast after lunch on Sat, and then skip dinner and breakfast the next morning, and then end our fast after church with a late lunch Sunday.

At Church on Sunday we are given the opportunity to bear our testimony. I felt prompted to get up today, and as I was waiting my turn, one of the speakers ended, and my three year old yells out, "It's your turn, Mommy!" Which of course, generated quite a few chuckles from those sitting nearby. :-) 

When it was my turn, I felt prompted to share, (and then share with you), my testimony that Heavenly Father is real. When I first started to learn about faith, I had no idea whether their really was a God. I was hoping there was, but I just didn't know for sure. I will never forget kneeling down by the side of my bed, in the dark, one night before bed, and asking, "Heavenly Father, are you really there? Do you really exist? Am I really your daughter?" As I sat there pondering these questions, a very peaceful feeling came over me, and I felt very warm inside. It really is indescribeable how I felt, so that is a fraction of what I felt. However, at that moment, I knew that Heavenly Father was real. I could feel His love for me in those moments. I never wanted to stop praying that night, as I never wanted that feeling to end.

Of course, that feeling that night did end, but I have felt it many times since then. Sometimes, like that night, it is very powerful and overwhelming, and other times, it is much more subtle and faint, but nonetheless there. It comes when I am giving service, struggling with a bad day, praying fervently, or studying my scriptures. It is the feeling of having a loving Heavenly Father.

Heavenly Father is there. He loves me, and He loves you. He is our Father. We are His children. He sent His Son to die for us, so that we could one day return and live with Him forever. I am so grateful for that sacrifice, and will always be. I hope that as the Christmas holiday approaches, we can all stop for a moment or two, and say thanks for the greatest gift ever given - the birth of our Lord and Savior - a gift from Heavenly Father.

Thanksgiving

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. It is amazing how fast time seems to be passing lately. This time last year, we were eagerly anticipating the upcoming birth of our seventh child. Princess Chaluba is now already walking! We truly need to treasure these days, as they are so fleeting.

We spent the morning watching the parade on tv, then we headed over to my family's house for Thanksgiving dinner. We ate around one o'clock. It was delicious - especially the sweet potatoes - yum!

I am so proud of my husband and children. My family are not externally religious so they do not normally bless meals - except on Thanksgiving. Usually my father asks us to offer the blessing. So, we all sit down to eat and my husband and kids are all just waiting for the blessing. But my dad doesn't ask. Not wanting to ruffle any feathers I was going to just let it pass, but my dear husband tells me he would really like to have one. So, I ask if we are having one. We are told to go ahead and offer one. My daughter, Cata, offers a simple but sincere prayer, and then we eat. What great examples they are!!

After my parents, we went and visited my husband's side and had more dessert. We got to spend some time with his grandparents. His grandfather is actually in having heart surgery today. So please remember him in your prayers. They are such nice, sweet people. When I look to the future and picture us in our old age, I think of them. They obviously still love each other very much.

I am so grateful for my family, and for the gospel. I am grateful for this wonderful country in which we live, and for the freedom that our constitution grants us. I am grateful for Jesus Christ and his atoning sacrifice, and for my relationship with Heavenly Father. I pray that there are things you can be grateful for in your own life. No cloud is so dark that there is not a silver lining.

Whoops!

Well, I spent about a half hour this morning typing out the next part of my conversion story. I was about one or two sentences from being done, when my three year old decided to come say hi to me. As she was doing so she managed to hit a button on the mouse which managed to switch the webpage as I was typing. This had the wonderful effect of losing my entire entry :-) So, when I can I will have to re-type it.

Conversion Part Three

I walked into church that morning with a few emotions. Anticipation at seeing my neighbors reaction to my showing up as a suprise to them. Nervousness about what I was getting myself into, and butterflies - though I wasn't sure why. I arrived a few minutes early and walked in. The reaction was as expected - htey did a double take and almost jumped out of the pew when they saw me walk in. (Apparenly after I had left the night before they had decided to fast for me as a family  - I found this out months later). They introduced me to everyone in the ward (what a congregration is called). They were very friendly and welcoming to me.

The service started and was very nice. It was a fast and testimony meeting. After the sacrament was blessed and passed, the members of the congregration had a chance to get up and bear thier testimonies of the Savior, their relationship to Him, thier blessings, challenges, prayers, etc. I remember being very touched again by these sincere peoples testimonies. First it had been the young women, and now it was the congregration. It was the way I had always`pictured church to be. However, converting would be a huge thing for me. I dont know why I felt that way. I just knew it would be a big step into something different that my family would not like.

I was introduced to the missionaries after the service. They were nice, but I turned down thier offer to meet with me. I wasnt ready for anything formal like that. However, I did go home and start reading the Book of Mormon passages about faith that I had written down the night before. They were captivating. They explained perfectly what faith was, and how to nurture it. I kept reading. Since the scriptures were in the middle of the book (Alma 32), I read from there to the end, and from the beginning to the middle again. Just like the gospel principles book I had read and had no problem with - so too had I enjoyed reading this.

As the week went on, I was informed that missionaries would be at my neighbors house for dinner on Firday night in case I wanted to stop over with any questions. Not wanting to let on that I was interested, I kept feigning disinterest till that day. I finally let on that I would be coming. I showed up with about three pages of questions. Looking back though,  it wasn't questions about specific doctrines their church had, it was mostly questions about living a Christian lifestyle. How devoted you were supposed to be. What made them believe in God? Why would they want to give up two years of their life serving Him.

We talked for about two hours that first night - they answered all my questions, and taught me a few things about God and prayer. I would like to say that I immediately recognized the truth of it all right then, but I didn't. I was still just checking it out as a curiosity. I was completely foriegn to the things of the Spirit, and would still need some more time to figure some things out.

Conversion Part Two

As the year went on, I met a new family downstairs from me in the condominium complex  where we lived. This was summer. They were always inviting me to Church, and women's meetings and things. Finally, I attended both (really just so they would stop asking me) in the late fall/early winter. The homemaking meeting was nice, all the women were friendly, and I actually enjoyed myself. The church meeting was very nice. They had all the young women in the church bearing their testimony about their membership in the church. They bore testimony of prayer, and being chaste, and clean, and having a relationship with the Lord. This blew me away, as that is what I wanted for my son when he got older - was to have that kind of relationship with his church.

Before I go any farther, they had told me when I first met them that they were LDS. I had no idea what that meant. Then they tried a few other things, I still had no clue. Finally, they mentioned the church used to have a commercial about a kid singing about a broken window. It finally clicked. I had always liked those commercials.

So anyway, I went to church. I loved it. I went to class. They gave me a book called Gospel Principles and in it was a lesson about everything they believed. I read it in about a week. Now you would think, that would prompt me to ask more. It didn't. It never even dawned on me to take it any further than that. I even use to tease them all the time. Anything they believed in, I would pick the opposite side - just to see if I could get them riled up. It used to bother me, that I couldnt. They would patiently explain what they believed, and then end the conversation with their testimony - they would not argue doctrinal things.

During this time, it was now the next spring, I had continued to attend the congregrational church here and there. Finally in late June, my husband and I decided we would find a church together, as I just wasnt comfortable with the one I was attending. So the next Sunday, we were going to go the Catholic Church down the street and try that one out, and then we would find one to go to the next week after that.

Saturday night came and I was at the neighbors house and we were in our usual banter about religion and politics. I had been raised in a house that was very distrustful of organized anything - religion, politics, business, etc. I dont know if that is how they really feel, but that is how it came across to me. So I never really learned what they do agree, just a bunch of things they didnt like about those subjects. WIthout any formal training in politics, I had picked up the whole fable - democrats good caring nice guys - republicans, bad, selfish, etc. They challenged that. I dont like being wrong - so I set out to arm myself with the knowledge to argue against them and educate these people. The more I researched the more I found that I started to disagree with myself. I WAS WRONG! The things I stood for were actually held in favor by conservatives - who at that point were represented by Republicans. Why do I mention all of this political stuff? Because on that Saturday night, it was about to play an important role.

As we were bantering back and forth, I said to him "You may have gotten me on one thing, but you will never get me on the other one." He responded with. "I haven't steered you wrong yet, have I?". I laughed and responded with the question that would change my life forever, from that point on. "Okay smart alec. I have a question for you. How is it, that you can have so much faith, when you have so little, and are always struggling. How do you have faith - how do you get faith??" They responded with a few thoughts, and then sent me home to read some scriptures. I went home, and I cant remember whether I started reading that night or not, but the next morning, as I arose to get ready to go to the Catholic Church, my husband told me he had a migraine, and couldn't join me that day. I decided that I would go to the neighbors church then, and get it out of the way with, and we would go to the Catholic church the next week.

Conversion Part One

I ran into an old friend tonight, that I knew back before I had converted and  during my conversion process, and we were reminiscing, so I thought that might be a good topic for tonights entry.

I was brought up to celebrate Christian holidays, but other than that had really no religion as a kid. We never went to church, or sunday school, or any kind of anything. I actually got quite negative impressions from them about organized religion. I used to envy my cousin that got to church, and my friends that got to go to church classes during the week. I was told I should be grateful that I didnt have to go, or that I was lucky.

As I got older, I took a turn for the worse when I hit seventeen. I wasnt close to being perfect before then, but having the whole image of "sweet 16" in my head there were certain things that were out of the question. I know this sounds odd, but once I wasn't 16 anymore, there were no restrictions to my behavior. I couldn't come up with a good enough reason not to do what everyone else was doing. I continued down this path, until I met my future husband. We were set up on a blind date, and as we started to date, i started to mellow out.

We were married about a year or so after we started seriously dating, and my first son was born the next fall. We were immediately thrown full force into parenting when my son had a rash that wouldn't go away. Long story short, after watching your son go through (at seven months) a spinal tap, bone scan, and light doses of chemo for a few months, you grow up. The closeness and bond that my husband and I gained through that, I think would have taken years to develop if it wasnt for that.

Next winter, as everything had settled down, I had come full circle and was once again interested in looking for a church. I wanted my son, and me, to belong to a church. SInce I hadnt belonged to one ever, I had created what I thought church should be like. I figured it would be like your family. You should know everyone, you should build your life around it. You should be committed to it. You should go every week. The fact that I still didn't really know if God actually existed didnt even bother me at that point. I just hoped He did, and figured in time that knowledge would come.

So I started attending the church in the center of town. Something felt missing, but having no doctrinal background at all, all I could go on was my feelings.