Coastal Reflections

A due word

I have been struggling with my feelings toward the church where we are members.  We just joined this church in late Jan./early Feb. 2005 and although we didn't care for every single thing about it (no contemporary music, which is our preference, and extremely few members our age along with extremely few children) we felt that's where we should be.  People were friendly, good teaching was taking place, etc.  The small group of Wednesday night attendees went through with me the news that my mammogram and following ultrasound showed nothing of concern after all, then the news of my pregnancy, and the events surrounding my pregnancy like having to go see a specialist several times due to my age, our decision to not have an amniocentesis, news that the baby was low and might make an early appearance, etc.  The church surprised me with a baby shower (I say surprised because I honestly didn't know their stand on showers and with this being my second baby I honestly figured with them being an older aged congregation that they probably didn't believe in giving showers for second children).  Women came that I had never even met!  I truly felt good about going there.

My ds2 was born by scheduled c-section at the end of last December.  My spinal didn't work so I had to unexpectedly be put under anesthesia for the surgery.  The associate pastor called the hospital and one other church member called the day I was discharged and that's it.  We had no visitors other than one lady from church who would come and stay with me while dh came home to feed and tend to the dogs and cat.  Maybe the Christmas season had something to do with this - who knows?  I truly thought that our Sunday School class would offer to bring us a meal once we were home (I know they have done this for other families) or at least call and check on us (since our Sunday School teacher is one of the pastors on staff), but no one did.  (Now in their defense, I feel that they probably didn't offer a meal because the teacher's wife knows we eat organics, but after surgery and extremely little sleep in the hospital dh and I might have just thrown caution to the wind and said bring it on.)  Time went by and I truly thought that some people would start calling to just say congratulations and that they were thinking of us and keeping us in their prayers.  One lady from our Sunday School class did call and say she wanted to visit us but she was sick at the time and knew that she needed to wait until she was well.  (We were heavily warned by the on-call pediatrician in the hospital to keep ds2 at home for the first 2 months if at all possible due to him being born during flu season. With the high retiree/snowbird population here during the winter months along with the fact that most of our church are elderly in age, and come to church whether they are sick or not, she said the chances of him getting sick were great.) The associate pastor also called us a few days after we had come home from the hospital.  That's it.  No one else called.  Our Sunday School class did not send a postcard saying we were missed or anything.  Ds1's Sunday School class did not send him a postcard until Easter! 

Our feelings were (and still are) quite hurt.  (I do need to say that the associate pastor did come over and visit us one evening at the beginning of Feb.)  Maybe I have the wrong expectations, but I expect my church to be my family.  I also expect to find/make friends at church (no one ever said someone has to be my same age to be my friend).   We do not have any family here locally and I don't have any family alive other than some aunts, uncles, and cousins (only one aunt stays in touch with me).  I had one good friend here locally and she stopped speaking to me after I told her I had learned I was pregnant (same friend had rejoiced with me when I had shared with her earlier in the year that the Lord had put on our hearts to have another child).  Dh's family does not stay in touch with him as they should and they have never made me feel a part of their family (they have caused me much hurt actually).  My church family knew all this. 

What has been the result of all this?  We haven't gone back to church.  That pains me, especially for ds1 (who asked Jesus into his heart Feb. 1st of this year).  It also irritates me that I have heard countless times at this church how they know they are an older congregation and they really need to be reaching out to young families and getting them in the church, otherwise the church is literally going to just die out.  Here we are a young family and we are members of the church and they failed to reach out to us during a time when just a phone call (or postcard) to say someone was thinking of me would have made my day (you know what those post-partum days are like if you've had children).  Instead I just feel forgotten. 

I begged and begged dh to call the associate pastor to let him know why we hadn't been back.  I truly wanted them to know where they had gone wrong with this young family so maybe they could do better in the future (I see now that I also wanted them to feel bad and guilty about what they had done  ).  I have also been carrying around the heavy load that maybe they are all thinking that since we didn't come back that we just used them all to get things for the baby (via the baby shower gifts), which is just not true.  Dh kept telling me he wasn't ready to call and wasn't ready to call, but he did intend to call.  He never did though and now he tells me he won't be making a call.  I disagreed with this decision and let him know, but he said nothing further. 

I have been reading Ephesians over and over this week and I know the Lord has been speaking to me through it.  For he himself is our peace (Eph. 2:14a) - I need to hold this in my heart.  For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. (Eph. 3:14-15) - it's not wrong for me to expect my fellow Christians/church members to be my family because that's what we are!  (Side note: I watch Joyce Meyer's television show on weekdays and earlier this week she mentioned that a lot of times when she has an altar call that the people who come instinctively reach out and hold hands as if they know they are now part of a family and that they are.  This spoke volumes to me.)  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Eph. 5:24) - point taken, I will say nothing further to my dh about this. 

I Hear You

09:41, 2006-Aug-25 .. Posted by teapots66

Hi, mom - I hear you. I have heard this kind of story over and over from Christian friends - even those who attend our church and are disappointed again and again. It is something so many churches fail at - caring for their own members.
I pray you find some fellowship, though - because that is really helpful - if not at your church, at another. Is it common to find churches with a lot of older folks just because of where you are, geographically? Maybe we should pray it's time to find your homestead in another state!! Anyway, hugs & prayers from an understanding mom & churchgoer - Chris

Tough one

10:02, 2006-Aug-25 .. Posted by deedee06

Your situation is heartbreaking. You are wise not to badger your husband about speaking to the pastor. I guess the fact that you're no longer attending and no one has called to ask why speaks volumes, doesn't it? I know a lady who will call people who stop attending a church and ask them if she has done anything to offend them. People aren't offended by her asking and often she can find out what type of hurt has occurred and mention it to a pastor or elder. I pray that you will find a different fellowship who truly functions as a family, even if it takes awhile. Congratulations on your baby. My son was born when I was 41, so I understand how fatigued you are! Lord bless you, dear............Denise (prairiemom)

Untitled Comment

10:17, 2006-Aug-25 .. Posted by thatday

I am truly sorry. But this happens so very often in churches today. A few years ago I felt led to change churches - and the one I had attended for 8 years (and had been active in) did not contact me at all.
Recently moved and am attending a small church where my daughter and her family go -
Thank you for the reminder - perhaps this is something God is leading me to address. Am going to check with the pastor and see what our church does.