I have been thinking about life, love, happiness and other things and i have decided to write this post to share my random thoughts and feelings with each of you who read my blog..  Some of the things in this post will maybe come to a surprise to some, excite some, encourage some and just be read by some..

Life for me has always been interesting and at times hard, but I have learned that after the valleys in life come moutain tops and things will get to be much better. I have to some degree always struggled with my self esteem and I always seemed to worry more about what other people thought about me. I have always tried to please people. Did I always succeed? No, but when I could not please someone I would be so hurt and try to figure out what I could do to please people. I finally learned the hard way that you can't please all people and some people no matter how hard you might try will ever be happy. This is a hard lesson for a people please. Any of you who are people pleasers know exactly what I am talking about. I have always in most ways tried to do the things in life that would make others happy. Finally at 33 years of age I decided that what I thought was right or what God was/is leading me to do is way more inportant than what others think. You can ask most people who know me and they will be able to tell you that I always jump when someone needs help or whatever and I took time away from my children and myself that I will not ever get back. Do I regret this?? No, but I know now that I need to adjust my time and committments to other people and things and make sure that my committment to God, family and myself are to be first. If it is going to take time away from my top 3 priorities then I should think again.

I was married for almost 13 years and my marriage did not work out well from the start. He was mean both mentaly and physically in the beginning. He became more mentally abusive as the years went by. I could not ever do anything right, I was threatened on a daily basis and finally after taking it for as long as I felt I could I quit.. I asked him to move out and he filed for divorce and the past year has been much better for my kids and I. I was a possession to him and he is still after a year and he has a girlfriend thinks that he has some right to tell me what I can and cannot do. He thinks that I need his permission to do things in my life and that I still need to answer to him. He will hear someone say something and he will call me up and wanna *talk* to me about this or that and tell me what I should and shoud not do and I am like hello you have no rights to tell me any of this. For the first time in as long as I can remember I am so very happy. I am at peace and God has been blessing me.. Well anyway so then he thinks he needs to tell me how to spend my child support, my time and etc. I am like I am an adult and I can make choices on my own. I know right from wrong. I felt like I was loosing myself before I kicked him out and I had no control over anything. I was not allowed to make choices on my own, think on my own or anything. I was always being told what a horrible ***** I was, lazy, fat, not smart, I was the cause for all the problems, I knew nothing, I was threatened all the time. He would threaten to cut off our electric, water, phone, have my van repoed. We lived in our house for 7years and he did nothing to it. It needed a new roof, we boarded up 2 windows and 2 others were cracked, we had a hole in the bathroom floor for almost a year because he would not fix the drains right, the kitchen drain did not work right and the stool did not always flush like it was suppossed to. I prayed and prayed and I know God is not for divorce, but I also knew that my kids and I did not have to live in those conditions anylonger and so we are not. I am starting to feel like me again, like I can breathe and not get in trouble, like I can make choices now and not be in trouble for them, like I have finally started to dig myself out of the hell i was in.. I know some people do not always agree with me and that is fine because I don't always agree with them either, but I am free to be me now and make choices and live life now without being scared of what will happen next to me or what might be shut off because i did not follow HIS orders.. God is in control and I am happy..

I am going to go for now, but please check back for more on my ramblin thoughts.. have a wonderful afternoon on your homestead.. I need to go do the dishes and laundry.. God Bless