Today is just one of those days... I think.......... I have so many thoughts running through my mind...

We were friends and talked and talked. We clicked from the start. We seemed to be able to talk and talk for hours in the beginning. I did not think for a minute at that time we would ever be more than friends.. We both were having a rough time in life and we could talk to each other and understand each other. I was happy to listen to you and to give you advice and I even was happy trying to help you with what was going on with you and your relationships. I really thought you could make it work, but I think deep in our hearts we both knew that we had a connection that we had not ever felt before... I know we tried to fight it. We fought hard and harder to avoid the collision that we might have been headed for. You would need help with your computer and I would fix it. The first couple of times I thought nothing about it, but then you would come in a sit beside me and every so often you would put your hand on my leg and electricity would shoot through me and scare me, but yet I was able to avoid and ignore. I had feelings running through me that I had never felt before and I was scared....
Tragedy struck in your family and it was all blown away.. You needed someone to lean on and I was there, I took your hand and gave you my shoulder to cry on and my ear to vent to. I cried with you and I tried to make life better for you in all the right ways. All the while knowing that my life was coming more apart than ever. We could talk for hours and hours and hours and be perfectly happy. You needed a friend and so did I. Were we in the right?? No we probably were not... We were both looking in the wrong places to find the things that we thought would make us happy and make life better.. God is Good to love us even though we are not thinking and doing the right things...
I finally was able to do what I knew needed to be done for me. It was what I needed to do 10 years before, but could not bring myself to do it. I finally had enough strength in my to be able to take a stand for me and my kids.. I had been through so many years of stuff that I knew it was time to make the change. I know that people looked at what was going on with me, looked at what was going on with you and the friendship we had forged and thought that we were both doing things for the wrong reasons. I can honestly say that I did what I felt was best for my children and I and I did it for only that reason.. My children and I could not live like that any longer.  We needed to be out of the situation we were in, and I know that there was the looks of evil because of our friendship, but I know and God knows that I had to get out and I had to get out then,  I had lost part of me and I knew that as long as I was still there I would not ever be able to find me again.. I prayed to God everyday through out the whole ordeal and I asked God for His Grace, Mercy, Love, Guidance and Peace throughout. Let me say that no I do not think that God is for Divorce and to be honest I do not condone them,  however I knew that I had to get out. From the beginning I knew I needed out, but I did not have the strength to get out.. I tried several times before. The abuse that I and my kids suffered could not keep happening.. I had been through enough abuse as I was sexually abused as a child that I knew it was time to break the cycle..
I knew that things had begun to get to close with you, but you made me feel more loved and secure than I had ever felt from anyone in my life.. You were the tangible rock in my life.. I knew that God was holding me, but I knew you were tangibly holding me and it was a comfort... I was scared to death and it took forever to get my divorce because he wanted to keep controlling me. I was finally free of the abuse and controlling ways I had endured from my ex since I was 14. Was I looking to fall in love?? No really that was not what I wanted at all.
We had a connection and you became one of my best friends.. We knew each other better than anyone else and we talked about becoming a family.. I was the most nervous about this because of all I had already been through. We had so many irons in the fire so to speak it was just crazy.... We could always make the craziness stop and make each other feel so loved and like everything was going to be just fine.... I was so nervous.. We planned our wedding and then I was a chicken and called it off, but later that week a year ago today I got past my fears and we went and applied for our marriage license and I put my heart on the line and gave in. I really felt like God wanted us to be together and that things would be good and we would have that rocking chair on the porch when we are 90 kinda life and that we had a love that would never end.. I know that things are not always good and that stuff happens and that no matter what is said or done that I gave you my heart............. I gave you my trust. I gave you my love... I asked God to be with us and to help us.. I know that no matter what happens that God is in control and that He loves me no matter. God does not blame, hurt, talk bad about. He loves us and wants the best for us and He is in control and can fix what we think is not fixable. He is the potter and we are the clay.
We need to be willing to let Him mold us and let God be in control and do His will in His time. Take time to Pray, listen, and let Him be in control..

Even when my heart is broken and I wonder what I have done so wrong I know that no matter what God is in control and He loves me no matter and is there to carry me through.. God is so Good. Thank You God.... I trust God with all my heart.. I know He is for us not against us as you my friend might think..

Remember that God is in control and He wants you to trust Him and let Him take care of you...

God Bless,
Mars

I am asking that you read this post with an open mind. You do not need to jump to conclusions about what I am trying to say or whether or where I am at with my relationship with Christ or send me flames.. I know that I have not always done things right and that I have to deal with the consequences for what I have done, but you can read with an open mind and realize that God is Good. God loves us even when we do not love ourselves and He is there for us no matter what!!!!!!!! I know that we need to avoid the appearance of evil and I understand that more than I ever did before.. I also know that having one of your best friends be of the opposite sex is not a great idea..... I know that it can work, but................................