How do you define “love”? Is it a feeling? Is it a need or an urge, or maybe a feeling of bliss or contentment? My personal definition for love has undergone a radical evolution this year. Whether by God’s hand or just as a bonus from the aftermath of a struggle I can’t really be sure.

By chance or by design, yet not fortunate under any circumstances, during this time of loneliness and sadness in my life, in walked one of the most difficult temptations there is for me. The old flame. All of the flattery and wooing stirred up old feelings and sent shameful fantasies running through my head. So, I did the only thing I could think to do. I firmly stated my love for my husband and my God and I walked away. Then when my mind was tormented by confusing and contradicting thoughts, which it seemed to be continuously for a time, I got on my knees and cried to God. He didn’t really answer much. My impression was more of Him just sitting there with me, waiting to see what I would do.

(I must admit that in the silence I was bombarded by voices that made me doubt God and His existence. I know now that it was the enemy that tried to tell me to just give up on God.)

That is when I started thinking about “love”. How is it that I can love and be devoted to my wonderful husband and then at the same time think that I might have love for another? Well, I guess that depends on your definition of love. If I define it as a feeling- of excitement, pleasure, or simply attraction- then I guess it is possible. But what about the times that those feelings fade back and the excitement dies down to the quiet thrum of life?

Are our marriages really meant to sustain our feelings and happiness or are they really for another purpose entirely? I asked myself what I have when those feelings are not overwhelming me.  I have something even more beautiful. I have a partner. I have a teammate. A commitment, and someone to share even the most mundane parts of life with. I have someone to share the bruises and scars of life with. I have someone to share in my story. We have one story to tell, with a shared history, a shared now, and a shared future. Even when he is across the world, we are one unit, one family, a new creation.

You don’t walk out on your team because a game isn’t going your way. You train harder. You train harder TOGETHER and you come back to the court or field the next season and you battle on. I have enjoyed the picture of marriage I have had in my mind of wine aging. It didn’t start as wine. It was grapes. Single, individual, very separate little grapes. Grapes that had to be stomped on and crushed until they were pressed into something new and mixed together, and then aged until they were yet again something new.

So, I am left with another question. How can you show or give love if you have a limited definition?

With my previous definition of uncontrollable and effortless emotions, I shouldn’t ever have to do anything. Love should just effortlessly come to me and whoever else claims to be in love with me. But that isn’t right is it?

"The LORD turned to him and said, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?""    Judges 6:14

I haven't been writing very much lately. It has been a tough couple of months for me. What time that I did find to write, I found myself bemoaning my apparent lack of strength in the many areas that I have felt like a complete failure in for so long. I spent quite a bit of time last night on the phone with a dear friend talking about the similar situations we are in and the downward spirals that seem to overcome us both throughout our days. We both seemed to be in the same place in regards to our thoughts about it all. We admit to feeling overwhelmed, short-tempered, and most of all to not liking our own actions and the quality of people we are being right now. What strength we started with is just being sucked ever away.

Now I have verses posted all over my house. The lord is my strength....I can do all things through Christ.... etc, etc. Yet, there are days when seeing and saying those verses still does not seem to encourage in me the kind of strength I feel I need. And that is about where my reading from Judges this morning found me.

Judges 6:14. That one particular verse really questioned me. How much strength do I really need? Do I need as much as I think I do? I know that I should not be relying solely on my own strength, so why do I still keep taking a tape measure to it and deeming it unfit? How many blessings will I miss because I keep telling God that I am not yet strong enough? Like he doesn't already know that!

I don't really know. But I decided to write that verse down on one of my little cards, and today I will carry it around with me. Today I want to be encouraged and emboldened by the fact that I can step out in faith even when I am feeling weak and vulnerable and know that like He did for Gideon, God will not send me without being prepared to be a little bit involved Himself. Or at least, that is what I am choosing to believe. =)

God Bless!

I am one of those gift bag people. I have never been much for wrapping presents and adding pretty little bows. I do wrap most presents at Christmas time, but it is more for the sake of making it harder for children to peek. My mother was always one of those people that could give Martha Stewart a run for her money. Perfect angles, perfectly curled ribbons with a bow on top, and tape that you almost could not see at all. In the end, it all ended up in that big black trash bag on the living room floor in more pieces than imaginable.

I can be that way with myself as well. When I have something to say I don't think I am one to wrap it up pretty and present it to you in a great flourish. I try to think of the most polite and appropriate wording for the moment, my way of gift bagging it, and then I just kind of hand it over. I guess that can be a bit unnerving to some people. It is the responses I get that have discouraged me at times.

You see, I have never been very good at the whole relationship game. Sure, I like anyone else seek friendships. But I don't always understand how to start one, or even how they really work. I confess that in the majority of cases, I will seek out support of a sort from places like bible study groups, or some form of a womens' group, but I end up sitting there listening and feeling very much alone. Then at some random moment I hand over one of my little "bags". They usually involve some thought or some feelings that I have been experiencing. That is when I get the array of responses.

Sometimes I get what feels like a correction. I can mostly tell nowadays when someone just doesn't understand or thinks I am merely looking for answers. Sometimes I have even tried to explain further, but to no avail. It ends up sounding like some kind of rationalizing or excuses. In the end, I am left feeling like a failure. I end up with mounting guilt or shame for thinking that I am feeling things that are considered to not be "okay".

Oh, but every now and then, I hear those delightful words. "You are not alone." Said in many ways. Sometimes they sound more like, "I know what you mean. I have felt that way before."

That is when I come to realize that my feelings or burdens aren't necessarily shameful, and aren't something for me to be automatically condemned to hell for. They are just the feelings that are common to man. Or in this case woman. And on top of that, I have found a person or place where I can be the transparent me that... well, is me. There is so much intimacy and healing when you can get down to the heart issues.

Most recently, I have found myself in a strained relationship with my God. I love him none the less, and I believe none the less. Yet, sometimes I have to admit that I stop to pray and don't really want to. Or I wake up in the morning and hold my bible in my hands, and though I crack it open, I find that I do not currently have the eagerness to do so that I at other times have. I share this not because I am seeking answers of some sort, or even someone telling me that it isn't healthy (I know that) and how I can perk up my spiritual life. No, but I know now how very much of a balm to my soul it was to hear someone simply say, "You are not alone."

As a bonus, I learned about Mother Theresa and the struggles she faced for so long with her prayer life.

Thank you, Lord, for those among us who are willing to "get real".

I got up about 2 hours earlier than usual this morning and I can't really say I am at all pleased with that. My neck is in pain again. I just stopped physical therapy. Blah. I am hoping that by the end of the day it will be feeling much better. Even though I will be out most to all of today, it has the potential to be a very restful day. Ending with an appointment to get my hair done this afternoon. That is a major treat for me. I am pretty sure that I can count on my 10 fingers how many times I have been to an actual salon in my life. One was in December when I decided to try out a body wave perm. I like it. But now it is falling out and hubby will be home for leave in a little over 2 weeks.

Praise God for the rain! I have been wanting to get a rain barrell for quite a while now. Well, I found some locally about a month ago and had the money to get one right before the rains hit. I am so happy that I did. Now I have a rain barrell filled to the brim sitting just across from my garden. I was so excited about the rain, but I must admit that now I want it to soak in and get warm out! I have so many projects that I want to work on.

I took the time we were housebound from the rain to work on some organizing indoors, though. I decided it was time to purge and declutter. But this time I had picked up some white labels from the store and carried that and some sharpies around with me. I use just about anything to store things in. Like old shoe boxes and various sizes of plastic bins. So, as I put things in and up, I labeled everything. Even the school supply closet is neatly organized and every drawer is labeled. I am mildly proud of myself. I am not really close to being done, but I can see so much progress already.

Next I am going to try my own version of that "Managers Of Their Homes" schedule. I downloaded the blank forms from their site and altered it some. Always trying to find something that will work for our odd schedules. I told a friend the other day that I am just stepping back and re-evaluating. Everything was working before, but it just didn't feel very efficient.

Well, I guess it is about that time to go wake up the kiddos. Especially if they might like to eat something before we leave, hehe. God bless you all today.

You know, the first thing that came to my mind when I started thinking about generational curses and bondage was a comment my uncle loves to say to people who are just getting accustomed to our family. "If we don't insult you, it is because we don't like you." Though I tend to be a rather sensitive person to words and the demeaning and cruel comments were really hard on me even up to now, I really came to believe that this was true. That this was just the way our family was. Maybe it was ingrained in our DNA.

It took someone in a future relationship to make me even question this. He simply asked me after us being together for a while, why I always called him names. They were never meant to be harmful. I always thought of it as a little joke, or a pet name. He did not feel the same. I admit that it caused quite a bit of confusion and probably was a great factor in the deterioration of that relationship. But the question had been asked and that is when I began to wonder.

I never really figured out that answer on my own, but I did decide that I was going to change that behavior. I made a very purposeful point when I got married that I would not let myself slip into calling my husband harmful names. I still have a very difficult time with that. It isn't when I am angry that are the difficult times. It is when I am the most comfortable. Usually when I am laughing. I even find myself fighting back from using these comments on my children lately. Comments that seem so good natured at first, like "you are such a dork." I don't want my son to grow up having that as any part of his self perception.

So, I took a chance. I called up my mother last week and I asked her a question. Did she know where all of this started? At first, she had no clue what I was even talking about. She insisted that our family doesn't say unkind things to each other. Then slowly, she started to understand. I asked about her parents personalities. Everything I ever heard about my maternal grandfather would lead me to believe that he couldn't say a mean word to a soul. She confirmed. Then it dawned on her.

"I guess it would have had to come from my mother." she said. She began to tell me how her mother would often yell obscene and cruel comments at her father. Belittling him in front of just about anyone. "She used to call him a 'stupid Polack' all the time" my mother continued. Wow. We both began to see that this continued on through the children, having many negative impacts on many relationships for them, and then continuing on down to the grandchildren.

I didn't bring it up at the time, but I also began to wonder to myself if this was where my own mother's unexplained complete disrespect for all men came from. Seems to fit doesn't it?

As I was reading through the commandments, I thought to myself that there is a huge common theme for most of them. It is about honor. Honoring parents, honoring others and their things. Honoring God! Honor is a word that I have a hard time understanding. I need it to be picked apart and defined for me. So, I got out my trusty dictionary and thesaurus. What I found in my thesaurus helped me understand this the most.

honor as a verb- accept, acknowledge, appreciate, credit, remember, respect, value

antonyms- betray, debase, disgrace

That last word is a painful one for me. Disgrace. I think, that a lack of respect has become a form of generational bondage in our family. I believe it because I fight with it. It seems like such a small thing, yet it has this deep hold that I can barely fathom.

There are so many other things that are prevalent in our lines that seem like so much bigger issues. Adultery runs rampant, stealing is so common, and lying is like breathing. Physically there have not been any murders that I know of. (Unless you want to count abortion) Though, there has been plenty of verbal and other such abuse. But how does one even begin to understand why these things could be wrong if there is no foundational teaching of true respect and honor?

I am asking God to step in for me here. I want to break all such bonds and change my family line, but I can't do it. Not on my own. On a final thought. What really gets to me, is that as absolutely wonderful and godly of a man as I am told that my grandfather was, none of his 10 children turned out like him. (Yes, 10) With my mother's confirmation, it seems they have all taken on the habits and such of my grandmother. How sad.

Oh wow. What has been going on around here lately? A little of this, a little of that. I have just hit these moments of great glory and peace, and then again just last night I was on my bed in tears pouring out all my frustrations and disappointments in myself to God. It's okay, though, because now the wound is purged and I woke up this morning renewed and feeling rather unburdened.

I have found myself in lots of new places the past week or so. My children have started new activities. That always brings me out of the house to different places where I meet new people. I can't say that it is always a positive and uplifting experience, but it is definitely always an experience! I have caught myself doing a few things or acting in ways that have made me downright disgusted with myself at times, wondering about the kind of example I set for my children. One day in my impatience and possibly even a little arrogance, I ....well, disobeyed. I was informally asked to do something one way, and because I am....grown...and knew that I could get away with it, I did it in a completely different way and later realized that I had not only made an uncomfortable situation, I actually could have injured someone in my carelessness. As these realizations dawned on me, I looked down at my lovely little 3 yr old daughter standing at my side. Oh Lord, forgive me.

I have also found myself being rather negligent with several household matters of late, that I am a bit ashamed of.

Thing is, it all comes full circle at some point. I can see how all of this has to do with where God is working in my life. Most of the time, I have difficulty seeing exactly where he is working in my life. I am learning to look at whatever troubles and frustrations I am currently having and know there is a substantial chance that it has something to do with God working behind the scenes. Or maybe on the dark side of my heart would be a better description. You ever wonder if our hearts can be like the moon?

I have lately been coming to a new understanding of generational sins and bondage. The strange thing is, I am finding it in what first appeared to me to be a rather odd spot. Not the bondage necessarily, but the scripture God is showing me regarding it. Then again, after I thought about it more, it seemed like these particular scriptures made all the sense in the world. The Ten Commandments. It is kind of a back to basics thing going on. Then again, I guess it can't be back to basics unless you've been there before. I really haven't.

I just have one comment I really want to share, though I hope anyone reading this realizes that there is no condemnation in this thought. I am sure that each and every christian and situation are different...... I think some christians who have been living as christians or grew up as such tend to truly over look a rather important tidbit. They take for granted, however unknowingly, that you (or in this case, ME) know certain things and understand certain things that you don't, because you (or I) did not grow up being exposed to any of this stuff.

For example, I have had several people just start talking to me about different stories in the bible, assuming I know that story I guess. Later I tend to look at them and say, "I'm sorry, I don't know that story yet." Sometimes I really do need to not necessarily be taught in the same manner, but be taught the same kind of content that my 6 yr old is learning. Most of the time, we really are learning together. Praise God for ds's enthusiasm to learn about God and read the bible.

I knew ABOUT the ten commandments, but in all honesty I could probably have told you maybe 4 or 5 of them. I didn't know them. And I believe that when God brings some particular portion of scripture or teaching to my attention numerous times over just a few days, then he is not just trying to get my attention, he is trying to point my eyes so my feet will follow.

It was actually rather amazing for me to sit and read those commandments over and over again the last few days. I have been seeing something new each day and my eyes have been opened in some amazing ways to some of the between the lines meanings.

I don't want to write everything today, because to tell you the truth, I just don't have time. But I have some cool stories to share if anyone is interested and I have purposed to do so over the next few days. Starting with some generational bondage that nobody even realized was there until this past weekend. So, to be continued.....

Oh, how the excitement builds. I have several reasons I guess. Mostly that this month is almost over. That is exciting because at the end of next month my dh comes home for his R & R leave. Woohoo! Oh Lord, how I miss him! Though our plan is to spend the majority of the time at home, (or in his case, spend the 2 weeks sleeping) we do have a few exciting plans for a day or two. Like taking a trip down to SeaWorld. That is one of this families favorite places.

Also, I have been feeling rather rushed and stretched for the last few months. I have had so many appointments and events to get to. I have loved going to physical therapy. They have really helped my neck out a lot, but the appointments are twice a week, at about the most inconvenient time of the day for us. And no, I can't change the time because that is the only time of the day I can get childcare for my oldest. It is alright, though. Next week is my last week. I am very much looking forward to not being out rushing around during the days again.

I recently decided it was time to keep a notebook for my thoughts while either reading the bible or whatever. I have such a forgetful mind. I also switched to a new bible for my morning bible reading. Before hubby deployed, he bought me a new Chronological Study Bible. I have been wanting to get started with it and a few days ago I figured it was time to stop procrastinating and just do it.

I wish I could say that my garden was doing well, but it seems that we had some rat problems for a while. I think we have managed to deal with them now. It has been a good 2 weeks almost since anything has attacked my garden again. It was extremely frustrating though.

Well, that is about it. Really, I am just spending my time working with the kids (school) and on various projects (landscaping and cross-stitching). I will leave you with a "thought" from my notebook though.

"And He said, 'What comes out of a man, that defiles a man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man.'"  Mark 7:20-23 (NKJV)

Wow. How many of us live by the worldly idea that we should just "follow our heart"? How many even realize that it is a worldly idea? I didn't. Until now. According to Jesus merely following our hearts is a rather destructive concept. Look what comes from it! Read them outloud. It is too easy to just glance over these things when we are reading silently. I read them slowly outloud and the full impact of each word I said rang like a great gong in my ears.

Wow. I wish I could say that today has so far been as nice as yesterday, but that would just be a lie. For some reason both kiddos woke up in rather ugly moods this morning. After a talk with ds, his attitude has actually turned around. Not dd. She is laying on her floor basically screaming into the carpet. I am just glad that I didn't really schedule any school work this week. We will be missing out on a movie over at the IMAX that we were supposed to go see with some other homeschoolers.

I will move on to something more enjoyable, though. I said I would share pictures of our trip to Dinosaur Valley State Park in Glen Rose, so here some of them are.

Hope you enjoy the pictures.

Today I took the kids on a bit of a field trip to Dinosaur Valley State Park to see the dinosaur tracks in the creek bed. I will have to post those pictures later. We had a great time.

But the pictures I am going to share are of a completely different nature. On a dear friend's blog, http://mom2countrykids.blogspot.com/ , she posted some random pictures of the Texas country side. I guess looking for some beauty. Though what I see as beautiful or eye-catching may be entirely different, I thought I would snap some pictures along my own drive today and share them.

I just love how the Texas flag was right behind him.

No one I know.

This was at the park.

Those 2 were just different views fromt he same stop.

I have no idea why old rusty autos are beautiful to me, but they are.

Do you want to know why cows crack me up? Because if you stop, they just stand there and STARE at you!

What a lovely color contrast.

Okay, not exactly my idea of beautiful but it definitely GOT MY ATTENTION! LOL.

Okay, that is enough. Hope you enjoy. Not that I am a great photographer or anything, but I kind of enjoyed just snapping random pictures of whatever.