I am seldom really down feeling.  Today I am.  Yesterday was a bad day.  Not hugely bad, just the dripping water bad that you finally get warn down tired.   We adopted our littles almost 3 years ago.  Each one came with issues, which we knew they would.  We have had them in therapy since we got them and therapist is amazed at how healed they are, how "normal".  They have done a lot of healing, but the two older ones each have a couple of issues that are wearing.  Yesterday both of them picked the same time to revert back.  I guess I just lost it.  Not really in a bad way, but it just made me so sad.  I see their life before them and neither will have a good life because of the path they choose to walk.  I really let them have it, not in an angry way, but in a very honest broken way.  I see them as adults making the same choices their bio's did.  I see them never finding true happiness because they allow the past to be the future.   MN uses the excuse she is angry when she does hurtful things.   I have talked and talked to her about choosing to give her anger to God.  She likes her anger, it is familiar.  She doesn't want to give it up.  Most of the time her anger is directed at me. She does hurtful, spiteful things to me because, "the people I am angry at aren't here."   Yesterday I was very blunt and in tears asking her what I had done?  Why was she mean to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  I know it isn't about me, but I really wanted her to see it hurts.  She admitted I had done nothing to her. I didn't deserve what she was doing.  She was crying.  Crying for her is good, it doesn't happen often.  I went on and it was almost like a prophesy.  I told them what I saw in their future, a repeat of the bio's life.  How it broke my heart, how I wanted them to change, but I realize I can't change them.  The changes is between them and God.  It is hard when you realize you can't "fix" the world, or even your tiny part of it.  I have taught them about God, I have taught them about choices.  Now it is time for them to use what I have taught them.   I will continue to be an example but the choice is now theirs.  It makes me sad, but I do feel God led me to say what I did last night.  To show them it is their life, their choices.   I love them!  I want what is best for them.  I used the example of one of their pets running toward traffic, not listening and there was nothing they could do besides watch what was about to happen.   That I see the same thing happening with them.  They know what needs to happen, they know what path is God's path, yet they continue to walk down the path that leads to death.  I cry out for them over and over and over yet they won't turn around!!!  I had all three in tears.  Of course tears wasn't even close to what I was in.  I was sobbing.  It was like I was prophesying this over them.  They could turn around!  They could choose to change, I was watching them though and the path they are on leads to the same life that their bio's had. 

It left me feeling so unsettled in my spirit.  I still feel sad in my spirit.  I don't even know exactly how to explain it.  What I said last night came from my spirit.  The sadness is spirit deep.   I just continue to pray God softens their hearts and they choose to turn around. That they change the path they are walking on.   I also pray that if I am in any way keeping God from working in their hearts He will show me and I can stop.  I want to be a tool for Him, not something that stands in His way.  

Today I just want to go hide, find a quite place and hang out with God.  I want Him to help me find a new balance.  I really feel God wants me to change how I approach parenting with them.  I'm not sure how.  He has to work in their heart.  I have to allow it.  I can't protect them from God.  I want to "fix" things!  It is my nature.  I can't fix this!  God is going to have to.  I can parent them, but it has to be different, somehow I have to do it in a way that God can work more freely.  I'm not sure how.  I will just continue to keep it in prayer and ask God to direct my steps as I parent so He can parent them. 

Last night as I was saying all this to them. My spirit was crying out that I didn't want to tell them this!!!  I didn't want them to hear this.  I don't want this for my children!!!!!  God reminded me they were His children first.  His spirit is grieved by their choices.  That I have to speak truth to them!   I just feel emotionally drained right now. 

Maybe tonight I can recharge my batteries.  I will meet with some friends for dinner without children.  These are women that I know and feel comfortable being me with.  They love me warts and all.   I am sure the kids won't mind a break from me either.   :)  

If you think of it today,  lift me up in prayer or better yet lift my kids up, that they will hear God and listen to what He wants.