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I certainly do not have the years of experience that many others have in the area of parenting. However, I have adopted six children and have parented a wide range of age groups with many special needs including Reactive Attachment Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, ADD, and ADHD to name a few. We have learned a few things that may be helpful to others. Managing a child’s behavior is done in two parts – training and discipline. Ideally you start with training from the time they are an infant and then start using discipline when their defiance begins. I have found with my kids that the defiance began with walking. Somehow the independence of being mobile allowed them to begin making those poor choices. Just don’t wait too long thinking that your sweet baby can’t possibly be defiant. I am going to begin by discussing discipline, which is where you start if you have not begun the training at birth. You start here if you are mid-stream because you need the credibility with the kids that you mean business before you can work on the more proactive aspect of training. Also, if you are starting mid-stream you need about two weeks of total concentration and commitment to working the plan in order to see results. Worse than not doing anything is starting and stopping without follow-through. Each time you teach your children that if they wait long enough you will give up. The 3 C’s of Discipline Consistency The key to any discipline being effective is consistency. Everyone who cares for your kids should know the discipline plan and follow it so that there is consistency amongst caretakers. Tell your children the guideline or rule and then implement the consequence the next time they violate. Over time and dependent on age there will be some rules that they should be expected to follow and when they violate those rules there are immediate consequences. For example, my kids know that yelling and hitting are not accepted and there are consequences for every violation. I do not warn them for these items, there are immediate consequences. You must be committed to not being lazy. After a hard day it is not always easy to get up and deal with the child who is violating a rule, but for consistency it is absolutely necessary. Consequences Some say that spanking is necessary while others will tell you that you should never lay a hand on a child. From experience I can tell you that it matters far less which consequence you choose and it is more about how well you follow-through with it. Pick the consequences ahead of time and be prepared for the times when you are in public or away from home. For example, you may pick a naughty spot technique. This is a place the child goes when they are naughty and it is a spot specific type of time out. What will you do if you are away from home, is the naughty spot portable. After wrestling with this issue ourselves, we now have several typical spots we use for time outs. However, any place I put you and call the naughty spot is your naughty spot for that offense. Think ahead of time about what you will do if the behavior escalates. Will you spank if they throw a fit if you are using a time out? We send children to their rooms for escalated behavior, but only because for our children being sent to their room is the worst of all punishments. You should be prepared ahead of time to determine the type of behavior expected while in the time out. Do you expect them to stand or to sit? Do they have their hands behind their back or can they do whatever they like as long as they stay in the spot? We also use a technique referred to as natural consequences as appropriate. This is a technique of picking consequences based on the offense. I have found that this does not work in every situation; however, for some offenses it is very practical. It is an effective technique that crosses between the discipline and training spectrums of behavior management. For example, if a child is helping in the kitchen and touches something they were told not to touch, they leave the kitchen and can no longer help. Control Often frustration and anger will take over during a parenting challenge. However, this is your worst enemy. This signals to a child that they are in control and you are not. You must remain calm and in control. You will find that having a plan and working the plan will be the best defense against losing your temper. If you are simply going through the discipline motions, it becomes less personal and if you know your next move then it becomes less frustrating. Another way that you remain in control during the parenting challenge is by avoiding discussion with the child. Discussion leads you to try and reason with the child, but they can’t be reasoned with because you are locked in a battle of wills. Trying to reason with them will just cause you frustration. Instead, use this technique, “I am [insert discipline] you because you [insert offense].” If using a timeout, I add “I will start your time when you are [insert guideline].” I offer no further discussion. For small children I may remind them if they are goofing off that I am waiting to start their time until they are in compliance with the guidelines. I hope this offers some assistance for those who are seeking some. I struggle every day, but most often because with six kiddos who walk and talk (including a 1, 2, and 3 year old) it takes a lot of staying on top of things every day to make things work. It does get easier and all kids are different. You will get out of it how much you are willing to put in. |
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