Time Out
Funny thing happened this weekend . My beloved and I talked about time out. Time out for ourselves to clear our heads and also to regain our focus. But after talking with him Hashem truly touched my heart.
Many married people look for extra curricular activities and really when we look at them those time out moments they really are an escape. An escape from our lives.
Now don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with doing things outside of the home but we need to really check our hearts and ask ourselves why do we need this?
I had to ask my beloved and explain to him. I don't want time out. I am married and there really is no such thing as time out except when we are to do Hitbodedut.
That is not time out that is time with Hashem. That truly should be the only thing that takes us away from our beloved.
I have realized over the years when I needed time out I really needed time away and an escape.
I am married... I have children. I don't need time out... I need time in. Time in with Abba Blesses be He.
Women and her friends (Speaking about the Husband)
I must say that I myself have been guilty of this terrible act. As you noticed I have placed some lessons about speaking evil. But the one thing that woman have a tendency of doing and sometimes not even realizing is the speech concerning her husband.
We go to our friends with our problems and I have noticed on countless amount of times when I ask them if they confronted their husband and spoke to them they say Oh he never listens to me and I ahve said it a thousand times to him. And complain til the cows come home with a bitter taste in their mouths.
They continue to go and tell the same story to all their friends and place themselves as a victim in the circumstance.
But, my question is did you go to the only true friend you have concerning your husband?
Did you go to Hashem and pour your heart out and ask why is he doing this or help him? Have you broken your heart to Hashem concerning this? Have you cried out to him from the depths of you soul?
You see it is easy to go to a girlfriend and talk about your husband. You can offend and most likely he will never find out. But that friend goes to another and another and one does not know the damage one is causing to one's spouse. The negativity that one speaks about one's husband is a thing that you will see come to flourish. You speak it enough and it will come to pass.
But if you go to Hashem and complain about him I guarantee He will not stand for you talking about His son that way. He will ask you what have you done to help him correct this problem. Hashem knows the whole story. We are not victims to Him. We are just as guilty.
I have been trying to speak only positive things about my beloved. And if any negative come up I talk to my Father and Best friend and Tell him why is this happening and what do I need to learn from it.
You see we are the mirror of them. We are a reflection of our beloved. So before you go off and complain to your friends look in the mirror and talk to Hashem and ask Him to show you what it is you must learn and do not...DO NOT go and tell other people who are outside of your home unless it is someone qualified to give you
a. the proper advice according to Torah ( Biblical)
b. the proper spiritual advice
That should always be the last resort. If you have gone to Hashem and He has led you this way then good. But first, go to Hashem and tell Him about it not your girlfriends.
Marriage A Must Read!!
I was at my family reunion this weekend and unfortunately without my beloved. My dear brother works diligently everyday. He has never been married and has no children of his own. He is very wealthy but told me how tortured his soul is. Yet, my grandmother was there and was married for 60 years.
What is the secret to this?
The day my grandfather passed away my grandmother cried and said her soul hurted. (Not her heart....her soul)
What does that mean?
I had to sit back and think about this. I go through my day always struggling within my self. I looked at my brother and said we live in a day where people do not love completely. We love with standards and precedence. We look at our spouse and pick apart every flaw and detail.
I will love him if........
I will stay with him if....
But if he doesn't do what I want from him I will leave him
My grandmother never did anything in her life except love completely. .She loved her husband and her children with every ounce of her being and is a lovely wise woman today.
Please click here for that article.
Woman please look at what we are teaching our children.
We expect a certain thing and then if they do not comply we separate. I know for I have been separated before.
Can we sit here and consciously say that we truly love our husbands?
If they do not comply with what your idea is of what a husband should be do you threaten to leave him?
I am not speaking of a dangerous or destructive relationship. Those are ones that one should not even attempt.
But, my beloved was not with me and I could only think of how I felt so lost without him there. I realized that when they are not with you is when you think of the ways you could have done it different so that maybe they would have been there.
My heart breaks when I see marriages fall apart because one person will not bend. When you have 2 people who will not give in and show kindness and love we are showing our children to be numb in a numb society. Eventfully the society will be so numb that the most awful things will become the norm.
Hashem said that the two shall become one (not just in flesh but also in spirit and soul) henceforth our soul mate.
The soul mate is not meant to be perfect. They are our soul correction. They are what make us grow with them and Hashem.
If they did everything we wanted we would still find a flaw. For then we would not grow in Torah! Our families would not excel. Why would we cry out to Hashem if he did everything we wanted? Henceforth there would be no need to cry out to Hashem.
In The Fall Hashem cursed each one. The Man, the Woman, and the Serpent. Look at the curses.
Man Could still cry out to Hashem for need of his Livelihood.
Woman would still cry out to Hashem from her pain and suffering.
The serpent will never cry out for it does not need Hashem. It is separated from Hashem and will eat the dirt and never be able to lift up it's head and cry out to Hashem.
The next time your Husband does not comply with what it is that you want. Thank Hashem that he loved you enough to show that your soul needs correction.
Evaluate why this is happening? It's ok to ask Hashem why? What is Hashem trying to showing me?What is in my husband that I am not seeing in myself? How can I accept with love the soul correction? How can I do better?
Oh Hashem how I love you....How much Hashem loves me to pick this husband for me that would help me to grow. To become a better mother,, wife, friend, nursemaid...etc...
Love your husbands, pray for your husbands and most of all set the examples. Teach your children how much we love our spouses so they in turn will accept the soul correction of their spouse(soul mate)
Shalom
A Plan of Action
This week, we conclude our series with a practical plan of action for weathering the crisis of separation and saving the marriage.
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Separation: Putting Out the Fire, Part 5
A Plan of Action
As promised, here's the six-stage plan of action for a separated or crisis-ridden husband whose marriage is going up in flames; this plan is also effective in weathering any similar tribulation and the key to passing any test of faith.
1. Cease all negative behavior! If until now he was stingy with his wife, the husband should give her as much money as possible. If he was constantly angry and inattentive, he should learn to be patient and attentive at all costs.
2. Be reassuring! If he's able to speak to her, he should promise her that he'll do his utmost to solve their problems on all levels – financial, physical, emotional, and spiritual. If she won't talk to him, he should write her a letter. He should speak to his children as much as possible, and tell them that he must temporarily be away from home to attend to some urgent matters, while instructing them to listen to their mother. He should build the family's trust in his loyalty, responsibility, and good intentions. In short, he should be a "mentsch" – a decent human being.
3. Increase prayer and strengthen emuna! He should focus on HaShem only, pray as much as possible, and implement the principles of emuna (see Part 1 of this series). Until he recognizes that his current situation is exactly what HaShem wants and for the very best, he can't begin to correct. He should erase all feelings of guilt, blame, and animosity toward himself or toward anyone else. Once he accepts the current situation lovingly and with happiness, he's ready to proceed to the next step.
4. Learn! He should learn as much as possible about building a good marriage. The author has an entire collection of CDs and recorded lessons available in English, based on the teachings of Rav Shalom Arush, shlita, and available at Breslovworld.com, which offer clear and readily applicable advice and guidance. The aim of learning is to identify problems and to correct them, and not to fall into despair and self-torment.
5. Begin thorough soul-searching and teshuva. He should set aside a timeslot for personal prayer. The husband should ask HaShem's forgiveness for hurting his wife and children, and he should detail how he caused her anguish and how he intends to improve in the future. Finally, he should ask HaShem repeatedly and earnestly to implant the willingness in her heart to forgive him.
6. Internalization. The husband must make a supreme effort to internalize his newly-learned lessons in "shalom bayit" and to develop a high level of cognizance about his former mistakes in order to avoid repeating them in the future. This stage should also be accompanied by endless prayer for HaShem's assistance.
The above point, number 6, is the pivotal point of success. For example, one of the keys to peace in the home is that a husband should never criticize his wife in any way. This is not easy – one needs extensive prayer in order to avoid making the slightest negative remark to his wife, for every person has a natural inclination to see the shortcomings of another person, especially his wife, and to comment on them. In the case of a wife, many husbands feel that criticism and negative commenting are their solemn duty in the home – nothing could be further from the truth.
Criticism is not only futile, but it destroys a wife rather than educating her. A wife perceives every critical remark as a message that her husband disdains her; her entire wish is to be perfect in his eyes. A husband's duty is to help her feel that way.
One should pray to HaShem as follows:
HaShem, thank You for my marital difficulties, so I can learn to correct my mistakes. I beg You, HaShem, You taught me that I shouldn't criticize my wife in any way; this is very difficult for me. Every time I see her make a mistake, I blurt out a comment or a criticism, sometimes automatically, without even paying attention. I even justify my actions by rationalizing that if she's mistaken, how can I ignore it without trying to correct her?
Please HaShem, have mercy on me and on my wife and children, for my remarks in the home destroy all peace in the home. The children suffer more than anyone in such an environment. So please HaShem, help me curb my tongue, so I won't make a single negative comment or criticism to my wife in any way whatsoever, no matter what.
Please HaShem, have mercy on me and give me the strength and resolve to refrain from making any critical remarks in the home. Help me internalize the fact that I can only influence my wife with love, respect, and consideration. Give me the faith that the more I love and respect her, the more she'll blossom in the home, so I won't feel the need to criticize her in any way.
HaShem, help me overcome the urge to criticize, and give me the power of compassion. Help me shed my cruel inclinations, and let me be so loving and merciful that I won't even see her shortcomings. Let me see what a beautiful person my wife really is, and help me see her virtues. Let me use my powers of speech in prayer to You, and give me the fortitude to jump in a fiery furnace before I ever criticize her again. Thank You, HaShem.
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One can compose his own prayers for each of the abovementioned six points. While praying as much as possible, the husband should continue showing his wife kindness along with sending her money and gifts as much as he can. Meanwhile, he should avoid trying to force his way back home. With proper corrective effort, HaShem will certainly help the couple make a fresh start at home.
Be very careful, for in a reconciliation stage, relations with the wife may worsen before they improve. The husband should avoid disappointment, despair, and discouragement, and no matter how negative his wife is, he should continue implementing the six-point plan of action. It's quite normal that the wife will want to test his sincerity, so she may speak to him harshly and disrespectfully in order to test his response. In such a case, it's critical that he reacts with patience and compassion.
A sincere husband will find his way back to his wife's heart. If his efforts are earnest, she'll want to bring him home, and they'll be able to build a new and better life together.
In concluding this series, let's review three important points that are applicable in most of life's difficult situations:
1. One should make an effort to correct problems at the outset, before they balloon into major crises.
2. The only way to deal with life's tribulations is by implementing the three principles of emuna, and by amending our ways.
3. With emuna, one learns that even the worst tribulations are for the best.
May HaShem help all of us achieve the radiant home of love and peace of which we've always dreamed. Amen.
Disqualifier: This series is designed as food for thought and to provide practical guidelines for emotionally healthy people who are either married or contemplating marriage. It is not a substitute for the professional help required in situations of extreme emotional impairments and/or disturbances.
The Radiant Home
After having learned that our current difficulties are in essence a gift from HaShem, we now continue with the practical aspects of a solution.
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Separation: Putting Out the Fire, Part 4
Naturally, if a man has emuna, he won't pin the blame of his marital problems on anyone else. No matter whether his in-laws incited his wife, or slandered him, or gave her backing, he doesn't fall into the trap of hate and revenge. Even when his wife's divorced girlfriends were encouraging her to throw him out (for misery loves company), or when any other person added fuel to his wife's fire, he – the husband – remains the only one to blame. He must correct the situation, for no one else can.
A contented wife has a husband that knows how to please her. He listens to her, understands her, empathizes with her, and encourages her. He unloads burdens – both physical and emotional – from her shoulders. He protects her from pain. He readily fulfills her wishes and is sensitive to her needs. In short, he is her very best friend.
A contented wife doesn't complain about her husband to her mother, to her girlfriends, or to anyone else. She won't allow anyone – including her own parents – to interfere in her life. Outsiders get their foot in her door as soon as she becomes dissatisfied and frustrated. Then, she looks for someone with whom to talk and to complain. Nothing frustrates a wife so badly as a husband that doesn't listen to her and is insensitive to her feelings.
A woman wants to feel that her mate is her best friend, a father, a mother, and a confidant all rolled into one. She needs the security that she'll be loved and accepted no matter what she does. She feels calm in knowing that even if she makes a mistake, he won't criticize her. She certainly doesn't need the type of husband that acts like the state's witness – when she tells him her troubles, he points an accusing finger at her, blames her, and belittles her. Soon, she won't share her thoughts with him and their lines of communication will be severed; he can only blame himself for the subsequent crisis that will surely arise.
Caution – as long as a wife seeks the ear of a girlfriend, it's a warning sign that she can't pour her heart out to her husband. As long as she needs the constant backing and encouragement of her parents, it's a warning sign that she doesn't get enough love and support from her husband. As long as she spends hours on the telephone, it's a warning sign that she lacks an attentive and receptive ear from her husband.
Since a peaceful home is dependant on the husband, certain male readers of this book may become depressed and discouraged; sorry, that's not the way to react or to solve the problem. Even if you've made every mistake in the book until now, sadness, guilt, and torturing yourself won't help. The way to improve a marriage is to conduct serious self-evaluation, improve and correct that which needs improvement and correction, and pray to HaShem for guidance and assistance.
Our next and final installment, God willing, will include a six-stage plan of action for success.
Disqualifier: This series is designed as food for thought and to provide practical guidelines for emotionally healthy people who are either married or contemplating marriage. It is not a substitute for the professional help required in situations of extreme emotional impairments and/or disturbances.
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