A Plan of Action
This week, we conclude our series with a practical plan of action for weathering the crisis of separation and saving the marriage.
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Separation: Putting Out the Fire, Part 5
A Plan of Action
As promised, here's the six-stage plan of action for a separated or crisis-ridden husband whose marriage is going up in flames; this plan is also effective in weathering any similar tribulation and the key to passing any test of faith.
1. Cease all negative behavior! If until now he was stingy with his wife, the husband should give her as much money as possible. If he was constantly angry and inattentive, he should learn to be patient and attentive at all costs.
2. Be reassuring! If he's able to speak to her, he should promise her that he'll do his utmost to solve their problems on all levels – financial, physical, emotional, and spiritual. If she won't talk to him, he should write her a letter. He should speak to his children as much as possible, and tell them that he must temporarily be away from home to attend to some urgent matters, while instructing them to listen to their mother. He should build the family's trust in his loyalty, responsibility, and good intentions. In short, he should be a "mentsch" – a decent human being.
3. Increase prayer and strengthen emuna! He should focus on HaShem only, pray as much as possible, and implement the principles of emuna (see Part 1 of this series). Until he recognizes that his current situation is exactly what HaShem wants and for the very best, he can't begin to correct. He should erase all feelings of guilt, blame, and animosity toward himself or toward anyone else. Once he accepts the current situation lovingly and with happiness, he's ready to proceed to the next step.
4. Learn! He should learn as much as possible about building a good marriage. The author has an entire collection of CDs and recorded lessons available in English, based on the teachings of Rav Shalom Arush, shlita, and available at Breslovworld.com, which offer clear and readily applicable advice and guidance. The aim of learning is to identify problems and to correct them, and not to fall into despair and self-torment.
5. Begin thorough soul-searching and teshuva. He should set aside a timeslot for personal prayer. The husband should ask HaShem's forgiveness for hurting his wife and children, and he should detail how he caused her anguish and how he intends to improve in the future. Finally, he should ask HaShem repeatedly and earnestly to implant the willingness in her heart to forgive him.
6. Internalization. The husband must make a supreme effort to internalize his newly-learned lessons in "shalom bayit" and to develop a high level of cognizance about his former mistakes in order to avoid repeating them in the future. This stage should also be accompanied by endless prayer for HaShem's assistance.
The above point, number 6, is the pivotal point of success. For example, one of the keys to peace in the home is that a husband should never criticize his wife in any way. This is not easy – one needs extensive prayer in order to avoid making the slightest negative remark to his wife, for every person has a natural inclination to see the shortcomings of another person, especially his wife, and to comment on them. In the case of a wife, many husbands feel that criticism and negative commenting are their solemn duty in the home – nothing could be further from the truth.
Criticism is not only futile, but it destroys a wife rather than educating her. A wife perceives every critical remark as a message that her husband disdains her; her entire wish is to be perfect in his eyes. A husband's duty is to help her feel that way.
One should pray to HaShem as follows:
HaShem, thank You for my marital difficulties, so I can learn to correct my mistakes. I beg You, HaShem, You taught me that I shouldn't criticize my wife in any way; this is very difficult for me. Every time I see her make a mistake, I blurt out a comment or a criticism, sometimes automatically, without even paying attention. I even justify my actions by rationalizing that if she's mistaken, how can I ignore it without trying to correct her?
Please HaShem, have mercy on me and on my wife and children, for my remarks in the home destroy all peace in the home. The children suffer more than anyone in such an environment. So please HaShem, help me curb my tongue, so I won't make a single negative comment or criticism to my wife in any way whatsoever, no matter what.
Please HaShem, have mercy on me and give me the strength and resolve to refrain from making any critical remarks in the home. Help me internalize the fact that I can only influence my wife with love, respect, and consideration. Give me the faith that the more I love and respect her, the more she'll blossom in the home, so I won't feel the need to criticize her in any way.
HaShem, help me overcome the urge to criticize, and give me the power of compassion. Help me shed my cruel inclinations, and let me be so loving and merciful that I won't even see her shortcomings. Let me see what a beautiful person my wife really is, and help me see her virtues. Let me use my powers of speech in prayer to You, and give me the fortitude to jump in a fiery furnace before I ever criticize her again. Thank You, HaShem.
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One can compose his own prayers for each of the abovementioned six points. While praying as much as possible, the husband should continue showing his wife kindness along with sending her money and gifts as much as he can. Meanwhile, he should avoid trying to force his way back home. With proper corrective effort, HaShem will certainly help the couple make a fresh start at home.
Be very careful, for in a reconciliation stage, relations with the wife may worsen before they improve. The husband should avoid disappointment, despair, and discouragement, and no matter how negative his wife is, he should continue implementing the six-point plan of action. It's quite normal that the wife will want to test his sincerity, so she may speak to him harshly and disrespectfully in order to test his response. In such a case, it's critical that he reacts with patience and compassion.
A sincere husband will find his way back to his wife's heart. If his efforts are earnest, she'll want to bring him home, and they'll be able to build a new and better life together.
In concluding this series, let's review three important points that are applicable in most of life's difficult situations:
1. One should make an effort to correct problems at the outset, before they balloon into major crises.
2. The only way to deal with life's tribulations is by implementing the three principles of emuna, and by amending our ways.
3. With emuna, one learns that even the worst tribulations are for the best.
May HaShem help all of us achieve the radiant home of love and peace of which we've always dreamed. Amen.
Disqualifier: This series is designed as food for thought and to provide practical guidelines for emotionally healthy people who are either married or contemplating marriage. It is not a substitute for the professional help required in situations of extreme emotional impairments and/or disturbances.
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