The Radiant Home
After having learned that our current difficulties are in essence a gift from HaShem, we now continue with the practical aspects of a solution.
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Separation: Putting Out the Fire, Part 4
Naturally, if a man has emuna, he won't pin the blame of his marital problems on anyone else. No matter whether his in-laws incited his wife, or slandered him, or gave her backing, he doesn't fall into the trap of hate and revenge. Even when his wife's divorced girlfriends were encouraging her to throw him out (for misery loves company), or when any other person added fuel to his wife's fire, he – the husband – remains the only one to blame. He must correct the situation, for no one else can.
A contented wife has a husband that knows how to please her. He listens to her, understands her, empathizes with her, and encourages her. He unloads burdens – both physical and emotional – from her shoulders. He protects her from pain. He readily fulfills her wishes and is sensitive to her needs. In short, he is her very best friend.
A contented wife doesn't complain about her husband to her mother, to her girlfriends, or to anyone else. She won't allow anyone – including her own parents – to interfere in her life. Outsiders get their foot in her door as soon as she becomes dissatisfied and frustrated. Then, she looks for someone with whom to talk and to complain. Nothing frustrates a wife so badly as a husband that doesn't listen to her and is insensitive to her feelings.
A woman wants to feel that her mate is her best friend, a father, a mother, and a confidant all rolled into one. She needs the security that she'll be loved and accepted no matter what she does. She feels calm in knowing that even if she makes a mistake, he won't criticize her. She certainly doesn't need the type of husband that acts like the state's witness – when she tells him her troubles, he points an accusing finger at her, blames her, and belittles her. Soon, she won't share her thoughts with him and their lines of communication will be severed; he can only blame himself for the subsequent crisis that will surely arise.
Caution – as long as a wife seeks the ear of a girlfriend, it's a warning sign that she can't pour her heart out to her husband. As long as she needs the constant backing and encouragement of her parents, it's a warning sign that she doesn't get enough love and support from her husband. As long as she spends hours on the telephone, it's a warning sign that she lacks an attentive and receptive ear from her husband.
Since a peaceful home is dependant on the husband, certain male readers of this book may become depressed and discouraged; sorry, that's not the way to react or to solve the problem. Even if you've made every mistake in the book until now, sadness, guilt, and torturing yourself won't help. The way to improve a marriage is to conduct serious self-evaluation, improve and correct that which needs improvement and correction, and pray to HaShem for guidance and assistance.
Our next and final installment, God willing, will include a six-stage plan of action for success.
Disqualifier: This series is designed as food for thought and to provide practical guidelines for emotionally healthy people who are either married or contemplating marriage. It is not a substitute for the professional help required in situations of extreme emotional impairments and/or disturbances.
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