M.O.M.M.Y. Mother of Many Montana Young
The Day the Music Died {
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Friday, October 31, 2008
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I can't stand halloween. It's not the dressing up. I actually LOVE to dress up, and usually take the kids to a church for the activities on this night. I don't mind the candy. I have an unfortunate love for sweets. The evil/gross/scare you to death stuff is behind me these days. But I really hate halloween, because this is the day the music died. It's been eight years today. I can still smell, almost taste, the sterile , cold room at St. Anthony's. I can make myself feel the frigidness of the room. I can see each of the faces there that day. I can envelope myself with the emptiness that crept into my heart and soul at that moment. I had said my private goodbye earlier that day. But, as the moment approached, my words seemed so hollow, so penetrable and foreign. I felt as if it would take everything out of me, every last breath, as a crowded room waited for the mysterious step from this life to the next. We were trying to remain strong for one another as the Lord approached and walked my mom to her new home. I watched her go. I saw my grandfather say his final farewell, when he reached out to dry one final tear that fell from her already closed eyes and rolled down her cheek. I believe it was her way of telling him goodbye, he could let his baby girl go. I held her feet, as if for a brief time I could hold her there with me, or somehow keep her from leaving me behind. But what I can't seem to remember anymore are the really important things; like, how much she loved me and my kids. What would she say if I could ask her a million questions? I can't remember what it felt like to have her hug me. I can't remember the smell of her hair or her perfume...even the memory of her face is beginning to fade with the years. I lost the captain of my cheerleading squad, my greatest coach, my mentor, my mother, and my very best friend ! I can recall earilier that same year, sitting on my bed reading a devotion and being asked by the Lord to relinquish everything to Him. I had to lay all of my belongings, hopes, dreams, EVERYTHING, down on the altar, (like Abraham had with Isaac.) I gladly chose my Lord. I simply had no idea how much was going to be required of me at that time. I am just beginning to realize the cost of some of those things I lay down. Things that took my eyes off Jesus and put them on me. But there were others that the Lord never desired me to set aside completely. He just wanted to loosen my grip on them, to take those things that were lumps of coal and turn them into diamonds. I was`asked to sing a few weeks ago, and I thought I humbly refused,telling them I haven't done that since mom died. I was reminded by someone who loves me , that I was wasting the gift that God gave me by not singing anymore. I was hurt . I thought to myself "Of course I sing, just in the privacy of my own house." And then I realized, they were right. The Lord didn't give me this gift, or any other, to waste. I let something inside me die when I said goodbye to my mother. She would not want this, she would be saddened by my lost interest., my refusal to take part in something that I once loved so dearly. I think she`would tell me to sing again, to let the music in my heart and soul rise again. The`Lord is good..all the time. He heals. He restores. He refines..I am being made for His glory. I may not sing for crowds, receive wordly accolades, but I will sing for Him. I miss my mom, and I will until I am called to my heavenly home and am reunited with her. I beleive that I am being refined and those things I lay down are being restored in ways that I could never have imagined. There is a song beginning to rise..... { Post a Comment } { Last Page } { Page 18 of 60 } { Next Page } |
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