G.K. Chesterton
"The Bible calls debt a curse and children a blessing. But in our culture we apply for a curse and reject blessings. Something is wrong with this picture."
Doug Phillips
Thursday, July 3, 2008
07:20
Life Goes On
I feel almost compelled to rewatch this TV show of yesteryear, Life Goes On, that had a young man with Down Syndrome acting in it. I guess I just need to see another person with an extra chromosome get sad, frustrated or angry, because all I am really hearing is that “these kids” are just “so happy” all the time. If that’s true, then we are already in trouble because baby already squawks when her needs are not being met, whether it is for milk or for cuddling arms, and it’s not with a chipper smile on her face.
We’re still working out nursing. I still feel sore, but now it’s mostly just trying to teach her to open wide instead of treating me like a malted with a straw. It is hard, and I wonder the same thing a friend asked, “Is it because of the Down’s?” The truth is that I don’t know, and even so, it doesn’t matter. I have a baby who needs to learn to nurse. She has a momma who wants to meet her needs. How is this different from any of my other children with their needs?
Life blessedly goes on in other realms.
The chicken tractor got cleaned out...
...and moved out of the garage along with the feathered out chicks.
I love to sit on the white plastic chair with baby and just watch the chickies. They are so happy on their free range grass. We move the tractor every evening to a new spot, and fully expect that our eggs will be the best in town in due time.
The mulching finally got done. The shavings from the chicks didn’t go to waste. And we see apples growing on our trees! This is a surprise, as this is the first year of growing these trees.
We gave the dog a bath. Boy, did he need one. I almost forgot what color he was.
My girls continue to pick dandelion bouquets. One of these days, I’m going to harvest greens with them, and teach them how to cook them. I grew up eating dandelion greens; they are delicious.
The quilts for my two boys are finished. Here they are, playing with them side by side, using Matchbox cars on the border “roads”.
We went camping in the backyard, “we” being my husband and the oldest five children. Baby and I stayed inside (how crazy do you think I am?).
Still, we came out and joined them for breakfast in the morning. It sure was great being able to use the bigger BBQ when my hubby decided the tiny campstove wasn’t cutting it. Bigger families need bigger cooking appliances!
You know, until the Lord comes back, the sun will continue to come up in the morning regardless of the hardships and trials that come our way. Sometimes it doesn’t seem fair that the world isn’t stopping to notice our challenges, that the sky is still blue, and people still are about their business. It is all right. We can turn up our faces and let the SON shine upon us; we don’t need all of the answers (or even the proper questions) all at once. We can have hope. I know I do.
We’re still working out nursing. I still feel sore, but now it’s mostly just trying to teach her to open wide instead of treating me like a malted with a straw. It is hard, and I wonder the same thing a friend asked, “Is it because of the Down’s?” The truth is that I don’t know, and even so, it doesn’t matter. I have a baby who needs to learn to nurse. She has a momma who wants to meet her needs. How is this different from any of my other children with their needs?
Life blessedly goes on in other realms.
The chicken tractor got cleaned out...
...and moved out of the garage along with the feathered out chicks.
I love to sit on the white plastic chair with baby and just watch the chickies. They are so happy on their free range grass. We move the tractor every evening to a new spot, and fully expect that our eggs will be the best in town in due time.
The mulching finally got done. The shavings from the chicks didn’t go to waste. And we see apples growing on our trees! This is a surprise, as this is the first year of growing these trees.
We gave the dog a bath. Boy, did he need one. I almost forgot what color he was.
My girls continue to pick dandelion bouquets. One of these days, I’m going to harvest greens with them, and teach them how to cook them. I grew up eating dandelion greens; they are delicious.
The quilts for my two boys are finished. Here they are, playing with them side by side, using Matchbox cars on the border “roads”.
We went camping in the backyard, “we” being my husband and the oldest five children. Baby and I stayed inside (how crazy do you think I am?).
Still, we came out and joined them for breakfast in the morning. It sure was great being able to use the bigger BBQ when my hubby decided the tiny campstove wasn’t cutting it. Bigger families need bigger cooking appliances!
You know, until the Lord comes back, the sun will continue to come up in the morning regardless of the hardships and trials that come our way. Sometimes it doesn’t seem fair that the world isn’t stopping to notice our challenges, that the sky is still blue, and people still are about their business. It is all right. We can turn up our faces and let the SON shine upon us; we don’t need all of the answers (or even the proper questions) all at once. We can have hope. I know I do.
Blessings,
Keri Mae
Keri Mae
Permanent Link
Monday, June 30, 2008
09:10
Three More Reasons To Homeschool
Blessings,
Keri Mae
Keri Mae
Permanent Link
Monday, June 30, 2008
02:25
Snapshots
I hear the baby smacking her lips, trying to find her hand. I cringe. I long to embrace her though, and ready myself for the explosive fireballs when she goes to latch on. I break out in a sweat, and finally just plunge in, curling my toes and crying out as I begin counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... I comfort myself knowing that perhaps the next time I nurse, I’ll get to 22 instead of 25. Healing will come.
******************************
The plan: have a family meeting at “a good time” and tell the kids about baby’s Down Syndrome.
The reality: “Mom, why are you reading books on Down Syndrome? Does (baby) have that?”
My thought: So glad there is no pornography in our home.
******************************
Meals continue to show up on an almost daily basis. I am humbled. The counters are full of containers with names attached. I want to fill them back up with treats, with a token of gratitude. Instead I just let my family get blessed. Soon enough it will be my turn to serve again.
******************************
Reading Gifts, about mothers with Down Syndrome children. I have trouble understanding the grief, the hardship of deciding to abort or not, the “it can’t be Christmas”. I feel guilty. How come I am not slugging through stuff like that? Do I not understand the ramifications of my daughter’s condition? Right now, it just all feels so.......I dunno.....normal.....
******************************
I get up to change the baby’s explosive yellow diaper. I need to hold her close to not pull on my Cesarean stitches. I wonder about her birth, if I would have been able to birth her breech. I wonder if now, with two surgeries, if I’ll ever have a natural birth again. I wonder if I’m crazy for even wondering about that.
******************************
Upstairs the 4yo has something the 2yo wants. 2yo commences screaming and hitting. 4yo answers with screams of her own. 10 yo screams at them to “stop it!” I pull the covers over my head, hoping it stops within a few minutes. It doesn’t. I look my 2yo in the eye, “Buddy, your days are numbered because Mama is getting better every day.”
******************************
The chicken tractor is outside. I sit in the warm sunshine with my baby, on the white plastic chair, just watching the hens in their little nirvana pecking away at the grass, the bugs, each other. Several of them come to greet us every time we come visit. I can hear the ferry boat’s deep horn through the trees, and rub my dog’s belly with my bare feet as he rolls on the grass in front of me. I live in a beautiful place.
******************************
Gifts and messages continue to pour in. It seems that everyone I know knows someone or of someone with Down’s. Everyone except me. Have I been living in a bubble? I consider allowing comments on my blog again. I want it to be for the right reasons.
******************************
It’s time for my nap. I am tired in all ways. The baby is squawking even though she’s been fed, diapered, rocked and put down. She wants to be held. I am going to her now, and hopefully we will both sleep. If not, we shall sit on the porch swing, creaking the chains loudly as we rock. It is good.
The plan: have a family meeting at “a good time” and tell the kids about baby’s Down Syndrome.
The reality: “Mom, why are you reading books on Down Syndrome? Does (baby) have that?”
My thought: So glad there is no pornography in our home.
Meals continue to show up on an almost daily basis. I am humbled. The counters are full of containers with names attached. I want to fill them back up with treats, with a token of gratitude. Instead I just let my family get blessed. Soon enough it will be my turn to serve again.
Reading Gifts, about mothers with Down Syndrome children. I have trouble understanding the grief, the hardship of deciding to abort or not, the “it can’t be Christmas”. I feel guilty. How come I am not slugging through stuff like that? Do I not understand the ramifications of my daughter’s condition? Right now, it just all feels so.......I dunno.....normal.....
I get up to change the baby’s explosive yellow diaper. I need to hold her close to not pull on my Cesarean stitches. I wonder about her birth, if I would have been able to birth her breech. I wonder if now, with two surgeries, if I’ll ever have a natural birth again. I wonder if I’m crazy for even wondering about that.
Upstairs the 4yo has something the 2yo wants. 2yo commences screaming and hitting. 4yo answers with screams of her own. 10 yo screams at them to “stop it!” I pull the covers over my head, hoping it stops within a few minutes. It doesn’t. I look my 2yo in the eye, “Buddy, your days are numbered because Mama is getting better every day.”
The chicken tractor is outside. I sit in the warm sunshine with my baby, on the white plastic chair, just watching the hens in their little nirvana pecking away at the grass, the bugs, each other. Several of them come to greet us every time we come visit. I can hear the ferry boat’s deep horn through the trees, and rub my dog’s belly with my bare feet as he rolls on the grass in front of me. I live in a beautiful place.
Gifts and messages continue to pour in. It seems that everyone I know knows someone or of someone with Down’s. Everyone except me. Have I been living in a bubble? I consider allowing comments on my blog again. I want it to be for the right reasons.
It’s time for my nap. I am tired in all ways. The baby is squawking even though she’s been fed, diapered, rocked and put down. She wants to be held. I am going to her now, and hopefully we will both sleep. If not, we shall sit on the porch swing, creaking the chains loudly as we rock. It is good.
Blessings,
Keri Mae
Keri Mae
Permanent Link
Saturday, June 28, 2008
04:40
If You Are Not Weary of Praying....
...I have mastitis. Bummer.....
What I am currently doing:
* hot packs
* phytolacca homeopathic remedy
* herbal tea soaks with comfrey, uva ursi, yarrow, shepherd's purse and myrrh
* echinacea tincture (so glad I made these!!)
* peppermint tea
* resting
* nursing as much as I can, and pumping when I cannot
* planning on eating as much raw and roasted garlic as possible with supper
* and, of course, praying for mercy!
What I am currently doing:
* hot packs
* phytolacca homeopathic remedy
* herbal tea soaks with comfrey, uva ursi, yarrow, shepherd's purse and myrrh
* echinacea tincture (so glad I made these!!)
* peppermint tea
* resting
* nursing as much as I can, and pumping when I cannot
* planning on eating as much raw and roasted garlic as possible with supper
* and, of course, praying for mercy!
Blessings,
Keri Mae
Keri Mae
Permanent Link
Saturday, June 28, 2008
01:39
The Bright Side of Surgery
Can't pull weeds.
Can't run a vacuum.
Can't pick up a naughty toddler.
I must rest (doctor's orders!), and in doing so, just stare at the scenery:
Too bad for me, huh? ;)
Can't run a vacuum.
Can't pick up a naughty toddler.
I must rest (doctor's orders!), and in doing so, just stare at the scenery:
Too bad for me, huh? ;)
Blessings,
Keri Mae
Keri Mae
Permanent Link
Saturday, June 28, 2008
12:21
Burger King Ahaz (Et al)
I am reading in First and Second Kings these days, the books I have come to affectionately call the “everything but” books. There is a see-saw of various kings coming and going, some of which do “that which was evil in the sight of the LORD” in various degrees, and others who “did that which was right in the sight of the LORD”. What I find revealing is that after a king gets the nod of approval, typically the next line begins “BUT...” or “HOWBEIT...” or “ONLY.....”
1 Kings 3:3 And Solomon loved the LORD, walking in the statutes of David his father: only he sacrificed and burnt incense in high places.
1 Kings 15:14 But the high places were not removed: nevertheless Asa's heart was perfect with the LORD all his days.
2 Kings 14:4 Howbeit the high places were not taken away: as yet the people did sacrifice and burnt incense on the high places.
2 Kings 15:4 Save that the high places were not removed: the people sacrificed and burnt incense still on the high places.
2 Kings 17:29 Howbeit every nation made gods of their own, and put them in the houses of the high places which the Samaritans had made, every nation in their cities wherein they dwelt.
The “high places” were areas where idols were set up, where sacrifices were offered and incense burned. Basically, it amounted to pooh-poohing God’s expectation of how to live and worship, and choosing for oneself the manner in which to do so. At the very least, it condoned ungodly behavior in others. Who says the Bible isn’t modern?
We have become a nation of “everything but” people. I’ve heard studies that report the majority of Americans consider themselves Christians, and I have to wonder, “Really?” Then why do the high places ofidol worship Hollywood still exist? Or infant sacrifices Banned Parenthood? Why are we allowing the state to confiscate private property (via “eminent domain”) to make way for shopping malls, parking lots, and community services? How come our homes, the places supposed to be vibrant centers of hospitality, education and industry, are sitting empty on weekday afternoons? Why are mothers sitting in offices and fathers sitting in traffic? Why do we treat our teens like grown up toddlers? Why are churches growing not by evangelism, but by churched people continuously shopping and “seeking” out a church that “fits them”?
We are a burger king people, wanting to live our lives OUR way. We’ll take the blessings of freedom, but not the responsibilities. We’ll take the pastor’s message, but not his style of worship. We’ll take one or two babies, but not the sacrifice of raising them at home. We sing “Take My Life” but secretly we harbor, “everything but.......”
I wish I had no idea what all that meant, but I confess my own list of how I wish to lead my life. I’ll respect and submit to my husband, bare and raise children, keep my home, anything, anything at all, Lord, BUT.....
Lord, please let my children outlive me.
Lord, I don’t want to be a widow. Ever.
Lord, please protect my husband’s business.
Lord, save us from major medical issues.
And let me not forget the training ground for trusting the Lord on a daily basis when I forgo reading His Word (too tired...usually after reading everything else!) or spending time in prayer (nothing’s urgent; I can handle stuff) or borrowing funds from next month (because of course more will come in).
I don’t want to be a “hold the onions” type of Christian. I want to be fully in the water, walking upon it with Jesus, my eyes steadfastly and stubbornly upon the Savior no matter how high the waves get or how uncomfortable the boat ride. I want to say, “send the storm, Lord!” but I am weak. All I know is that when I die, I am hopeful that in my Lamb’s book of life, my name will NOT say, “Keri, loved the Lord BUT/SAVE/EXCEPT/HOWBEIT in these ways....” Instead, it will say, “Keri, blood bought child of God”.
And praise God, that will be enough.
1 Kings 3:3 And Solomon loved the LORD, walking in the statutes of David his father: only he sacrificed and burnt incense in high places.
1 Kings 15:14 But the high places were not removed: nevertheless Asa's heart was perfect with the LORD all his days.
2 Kings 14:4 Howbeit the high places were not taken away: as yet the people did sacrifice and burnt incense on the high places.
2 Kings 15:4 Save that the high places were not removed: the people sacrificed and burnt incense still on the high places.
2 Kings 17:29 Howbeit every nation made gods of their own, and put them in the houses of the high places which the Samaritans had made, every nation in their cities wherein they dwelt.
The “high places” were areas where idols were set up, where sacrifices were offered and incense burned. Basically, it amounted to pooh-poohing God’s expectation of how to live and worship, and choosing for oneself the manner in which to do so. At the very least, it condoned ungodly behavior in others. Who says the Bible isn’t modern?
We have become a nation of “everything but” people. I’ve heard studies that report the majority of Americans consider themselves Christians, and I have to wonder, “Really?” Then why do the high places of
We are a burger king people, wanting to live our lives OUR way. We’ll take the blessings of freedom, but not the responsibilities. We’ll take the pastor’s message, but not his style of worship. We’ll take one or two babies, but not the sacrifice of raising them at home. We sing “Take My Life” but secretly we harbor, “everything but.......”
I wish I had no idea what all that meant, but I confess my own list of how I wish to lead my life. I’ll respect and submit to my husband, bare and raise children, keep my home, anything, anything at all, Lord, BUT.....
Lord, please let my children outlive me.
Lord, I don’t want to be a widow. Ever.
Lord, please protect my husband’s business.
Lord, save us from major medical issues.
And let me not forget the training ground for trusting the Lord on a daily basis when I forgo reading His Word (too tired...usually after reading everything else!) or spending time in prayer (nothing’s urgent; I can handle stuff) or borrowing funds from next month (because of course more will come in).
I don’t want to be a “hold the onions” type of Christian. I want to be fully in the water, walking upon it with Jesus, my eyes steadfastly and stubbornly upon the Savior no matter how high the waves get or how uncomfortable the boat ride. I want to say, “send the storm, Lord!” but I am weak. All I know is that when I die, I am hopeful that in my Lamb’s book of life, my name will NOT say, “Keri, loved the Lord BUT/SAVE/EXCEPT/HOWBEIT in these ways....” Instead, it will say, “Keri, blood bought child of God”.
And praise God, that will be enough.
Blessings,
Keri Mae
Keri Mae
Permanent Link
Friday, June 27, 2008
02:57
Chosen?
"We will see more and more that we are chosen, not because of our ability, but because of His power that will be demonstrated in our not being able."
Corrie Ten Boom
There runs a familiar story of somehow being specially chosen to raise a special child because somehow I (or whomever else gifted with such challenges) have more to offer than the normal Jane. It embraces the common notion that “the Lord does not give you anything more than you can handle”, to which I cannot help but reply, “Wanna bet?!”
The way I see it goes somewhat like this: if indeed the Lord does not ever give me more than I can handle, then truly I have no need of His direction, strength or loving exhortation. After all, if my own hands are fully equipped to the task I am facing, what need have I of His? Nay, friends, I humbly disagree. My Father in heaven will ask me to do much beyond my abilities, my confidences, my understandings. For it is in through such overwhelming and ridiculous odds that I am certain to stumble at best and utterly fail at worst that God will Himself show up. I have to believe it is thus, for if I do not, then I am doomed to despair. I am doomed to bury myself in the multitudes of counselors. I am doomed to chase after every idea and help that my finite mind is invited to partake in, and that in turn will lead me helter skelter spiritually, physically and emotionally as well.
I feel the pull already. The literature I read exhorts me to act now, to find immediate early intervention, to make decisions that even will affect my daughter’s future as an adult. This is hard for me. I am more pondersome, more thoughtful, more careful. I feel more apt to simply stay put, to continue to teach her how to nurse without bruising her mama’s tender parts, and to allow my own body to recover from surgery. Is it wrong just to sit with her out in the garden for now, enjoying the sun and the wispy breeze, watching the dragonflies and swallows do acrobatics in the clear blue sky?
I reject the notion that I have been “called” to be a mother, simply because I now have six children, or that I am “called” to have this special child. What I have been called to from the beginning is only to faithfulness. Faith grows from responding to and trusting His heart, that even when His ways and commands seem nonsensical, we know them to be not burdensome.
I know I have been given much to carry. I know I am not equipped. I do not share the delusion that somehow I am more ready, eager, or willing to take on the hard things presented to me. All I have, all I want to have, is trust that God is indeed bigger. Lead me, Lord.
Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto Thee. Psalm 143:8
I will guide thee with mine eye. Psalm 32:8
Corrie Ten Boom
There runs a familiar story of somehow being specially chosen to raise a special child because somehow I (or whomever else gifted with such challenges) have more to offer than the normal Jane. It embraces the common notion that “the Lord does not give you anything more than you can handle”, to which I cannot help but reply, “Wanna bet?!”
The way I see it goes somewhat like this: if indeed the Lord does not ever give me more than I can handle, then truly I have no need of His direction, strength or loving exhortation. After all, if my own hands are fully equipped to the task I am facing, what need have I of His? Nay, friends, I humbly disagree. My Father in heaven will ask me to do much beyond my abilities, my confidences, my understandings. For it is in through such overwhelming and ridiculous odds that I am certain to stumble at best and utterly fail at worst that God will Himself show up. I have to believe it is thus, for if I do not, then I am doomed to despair. I am doomed to bury myself in the multitudes of counselors. I am doomed to chase after every idea and help that my finite mind is invited to partake in, and that in turn will lead me helter skelter spiritually, physically and emotionally as well.
I feel the pull already. The literature I read exhorts me to act now, to find immediate early intervention, to make decisions that even will affect my daughter’s future as an adult. This is hard for me. I am more pondersome, more thoughtful, more careful. I feel more apt to simply stay put, to continue to teach her how to nurse without bruising her mama’s tender parts, and to allow my own body to recover from surgery. Is it wrong just to sit with her out in the garden for now, enjoying the sun and the wispy breeze, watching the dragonflies and swallows do acrobatics in the clear blue sky?
I reject the notion that I have been “called” to be a mother, simply because I now have six children, or that I am “called” to have this special child. What I have been called to from the beginning is only to faithfulness. Faith grows from responding to and trusting His heart, that even when His ways and commands seem nonsensical, we know them to be not burdensome.
I know I have been given much to carry. I know I am not equipped. I do not share the delusion that somehow I am more ready, eager, or willing to take on the hard things presented to me. All I have, all I want to have, is trust that God is indeed bigger. Lead me, Lord.
Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto Thee. Psalm 143:8
I will guide thee with mine eye. Psalm 32:8
Blessings,
Keri Mae
Keri Mae
Permanent Link
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
09:47
Grace Needed From Me....To Me...
I think I overdid it today. I did get to take three cat naps, but I also roamed about my garden fretting over bolted spinach and a dog that wants to eat my strawberries. I sat at the family table to eat meals. I putzed about the kitchen cleaning up countertops. And I went to town with the baby for a check up with our regular doctor (everything is great!). The finale was dropping the laptop onto the floor, and then onto my belly after I picked it up (OWWWWWW).
It’s not like I don’t have help. I have a wonderfullady angel staying with us, preparing all meals and caring for the children as my husband works half days. I have suppers still showing up on a daily basis from a multitude of friends. And of course I have my comfortable bed and plenty of arms in the house to hold baby when she fusses. So what is wrong with me?
I’m reading Babies with Down Syndrome. Or rather, gulping it down, as I am already halfway through and just received it in the mail today. I read through all the *normal* emotions that parents (and relatives) go through with faced with a Down Syndrome baby: grief, anger, shame, rejection, ego issues, depression, helplessness. I understand these emotions, but truly I haven’t embraced any of them as my own. Yet. So, again, what is wrong with me?
I am so focused right now on just enjoying my baby. Teaching her to latch on correctly. Training her to be wakeful in the day by playing, and sleeping at night by stretching her feedings. Changing her diapers, sometimes just in time to catch the amazingly loud and, well, longshot squirting of yellow poo across the dressertop. I am struck by how *normal* everything seems right now.
I’m not fretting over future medical care. Or therapies. Or medical bills. Am I in denial? Shouldn’t I be sad or mad or whatnot? Maybe I am just in a postpartum-induced hormonal LaLa Land. Maybe I am too busy worrying about fruit trees that aren’t yet mulched, or schooling that isn't happening right now. Whatever the reason, I am thankful for God’s mercy to me right now, for allowing me to treasure these early days at home without outward and demanding medical issues.
I think....I think tomorrow I shall stay in bed and allow myself to heal. I shall sleep even more. Have a bowl of vanilla ice cream with an entire mango....served to me. And let myself just enjoy listening to my baby coo, nurse, and sleep without worrying that I ought to be feeling differently than I do. I need to give grace to the woman in the mirror.
It’s not like I don’t have help. I have a wonderful
I’m reading Babies with Down Syndrome. Or rather, gulping it down, as I am already halfway through and just received it in the mail today. I read through all the *normal* emotions that parents (and relatives) go through with faced with a Down Syndrome baby: grief, anger, shame, rejection, ego issues, depression, helplessness. I understand these emotions, but truly I haven’t embraced any of them as my own. Yet. So, again, what is wrong with me?
I am so focused right now on just enjoying my baby. Teaching her to latch on correctly. Training her to be wakeful in the day by playing, and sleeping at night by stretching her feedings. Changing her diapers, sometimes just in time to catch the amazingly loud and, well, longshot squirting of yellow poo across the dressertop. I am struck by how *normal* everything seems right now.
I’m not fretting over future medical care. Or therapies. Or medical bills. Am I in denial? Shouldn’t I be sad or mad or whatnot? Maybe I am just in a postpartum-induced hormonal LaLa Land. Maybe I am too busy worrying about fruit trees that aren’t yet mulched, or schooling that isn't happening right now. Whatever the reason, I am thankful for God’s mercy to me right now, for allowing me to treasure these early days at home without outward and demanding medical issues.
I think....I think tomorrow I shall stay in bed and allow myself to heal. I shall sleep even more. Have a bowl of vanilla ice cream with an entire mango....served to me. And let myself just enjoy listening to my baby coo, nurse, and sleep without worrying that I ought to be feeling differently than I do. I need to give grace to the woman in the mirror.
Blessings,
Keri Mae
Keri Mae
Permanent Link
Monday, June 23, 2008
08:22
“As Long As It’s Healthy”
The seeds for this particular blog began about the time I was regularly asked, “Do you know if it’s a boy or girl?” Everyone responded positively to our waiting game, usually grinning and replying with something along the lines of “as long as it’s healthy!”
The private thought I began to hold in response was, “what if it’s not?”
In pregnancy, it seems that there is always a hurdle to overcome, beginning with the first 12 weeks. When that milestone is reached, we mommas wipe our brow and mostly get on with the rest of the pregnancy worrying much less about miscarriage. Then there is the 20 week ultrasound, checking organ function and counting limbs. And the rest of the path to babyhood is fraught with worrisome and bewildering amounts of blood work, genetic tests, diabetic lab work, and of course the additional ultrasounds, dopplers and brochures regarding blood cord storage and who knows what else.
What happened to just having a baby?
What I have been pondering for some time now is this fixation on having a healthy baby, not because it is unworthy of hoping for, but because there carries a certain arrogance to it. Something that sounds vaguely like, “once the baby is born nothing will ever happen to him or her......not at 2, not at 12, not at 16.” Do we really believe this?
Furthermore, there is the question of, as I mentioned, “what if it’s not?” Even after a momma chooses to wade through the risks of false positives or dangerous (that is, miscarriage inducing) testing, even if a sure diagnosis was made in utero, the question remains: so what???
After my cesarean, I awaited my sweet baby to join me. The first hour crawled. The second hour was excruciating. My husband called me from the nursery and informed me that our daughter has Down Syndrome.
My response: “So?! I want my baby now!!”
I didn’t get to hold her, see her, nurse her or smell her for four hours, until I had enough feeling in my legs to cross into that wheelchair. The combination of drugs and the rolling motion of the chair made me vomit multiple times on the way to the nursery. I didn’t care.
One of the thoughts I had while I held her was that had this precious girl been conceived in someone’s else womb, she probably would’ve been aborted (80-90% of Down Syndrome babies are). I held her closer than ever.
There are a lot of statistics that would put fear into any mother. When we learned that 50% of these precious children have congenital heart defects, I admit fear. My husband reminded me that “God doesn’t flip coins”. How much more obvious is this than the fact my risk for having a child such as this was 1 in 400? No, this is our child that our Father graciously and lovingly put into our family, and yes, she IS a reward and she IS a blessing.
We held on to this news for several reasons. One, we needed to process the information for ourselves, and figure out what this all meant (lots of time researching!) Two, I felt (and feel) in absolutely no need of consolation, and the last thing I wanted to hear in my hormonal emotional overwrought and tired state was pity, or “I’m sorry”, or something thereabouts. I can handle this response better now, as I know that sometimes people just don’t know what to say, and it is all right for people to process in their own ways. Third, I was grieved to think that this would be a reason for anyone to not have another child.
So it is good to let this out now. We have no idea what lies in store for our family, and that is a mercy. I am thankful that we don’t have “religious faith”, but that we have the Father Himself, through Jesus Christ, who has shown Himself in ways this past nine days that caused us to weep much in awe and humility and gratitude. My husband has been taking notes, and when he writes this up I’d like to at least share some of it.
You know, I don’t care if our baby takes longer to walk or talk. Someday she will. In the meantime, we are enjoying the manna and worries of today without fussing over the possibilities that the morrow will bring. I hope you all know now how much more precious your petitions on our behalf over these past days were.
The private thought I began to hold in response was, “what if it’s not?”
In pregnancy, it seems that there is always a hurdle to overcome, beginning with the first 12 weeks. When that milestone is reached, we mommas wipe our brow and mostly get on with the rest of the pregnancy worrying much less about miscarriage. Then there is the 20 week ultrasound, checking organ function and counting limbs. And the rest of the path to babyhood is fraught with worrisome and bewildering amounts of blood work, genetic tests, diabetic lab work, and of course the additional ultrasounds, dopplers and brochures regarding blood cord storage and who knows what else.
What happened to just having a baby?
What I have been pondering for some time now is this fixation on having a healthy baby, not because it is unworthy of hoping for, but because there carries a certain arrogance to it. Something that sounds vaguely like, “once the baby is born nothing will ever happen to him or her......not at 2, not at 12, not at 16.” Do we really believe this?
Furthermore, there is the question of, as I mentioned, “what if it’s not?” Even after a momma chooses to wade through the risks of false positives or dangerous (that is, miscarriage inducing) testing, even if a sure diagnosis was made in utero, the question remains: so what???
After my cesarean, I awaited my sweet baby to join me. The first hour crawled. The second hour was excruciating. My husband called me from the nursery and informed me that our daughter has Down Syndrome.
My response: “So?! I want my baby now!!”
I didn’t get to hold her, see her, nurse her or smell her for four hours, until I had enough feeling in my legs to cross into that wheelchair. The combination of drugs and the rolling motion of the chair made me vomit multiple times on the way to the nursery. I didn’t care.
One of the thoughts I had while I held her was that had this precious girl been conceived in someone’s else womb, she probably would’ve been aborted (80-90% of Down Syndrome babies are). I held her closer than ever.
There are a lot of statistics that would put fear into any mother. When we learned that 50% of these precious children have congenital heart defects, I admit fear. My husband reminded me that “God doesn’t flip coins”. How much more obvious is this than the fact my risk for having a child such as this was 1 in 400? No, this is our child that our Father graciously and lovingly put into our family, and yes, she IS a reward and she IS a blessing.
We held on to this news for several reasons. One, we needed to process the information for ourselves, and figure out what this all meant (lots of time researching!) Two, I felt (and feel) in absolutely no need of consolation, and the last thing I wanted to hear in my hormonal emotional overwrought and tired state was pity, or “I’m sorry”, or something thereabouts. I can handle this response better now, as I know that sometimes people just don’t know what to say, and it is all right for people to process in their own ways. Third, I was grieved to think that this would be a reason for anyone to not have another child.
So it is good to let this out now. We have no idea what lies in store for our family, and that is a mercy. I am thankful that we don’t have “religious faith”, but that we have the Father Himself, through Jesus Christ, who has shown Himself in ways this past nine days that caused us to weep much in awe and humility and gratitude. My husband has been taking notes, and when he writes this up I’d like to at least share some of it.
You know, I don’t care if our baby takes longer to walk or talk. Someday she will. In the meantime, we are enjoying the manna and worries of today without fussing over the possibilities that the morrow will bring. I hope you all know now how much more precious your petitions on our behalf over these past days were.
Blessings,
Keri Mae
Keri Mae
Permanent Link
Saturday, June 21, 2008
03:12
Rejoice With Me!
We came home today! Oh to be in my own bed! Oh to have an open window with fresh air blowing through! But nothing compares to being with my family again, and to have my sweet babe by my side.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for the work you have all done in praying on our behalf! I have so much more to share with you all about our journey, and I promise to do so soon. In the meantime, join me in praising the goodness of our God.
Psalms 44:8 In God we boast all the day long, and praise thy name for ever.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for the work you have all done in praying on our behalf! I have so much more to share with you all about our journey, and I promise to do so soon. In the meantime, join me in praising the goodness of our God.
Psalms 44:8 In God we boast all the day long, and praise thy name for ever.
Blessings,
Keri Mae
Keri Mae
Permanent Link
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All material contained on this page and this website are protected under international Copyright. Permission is granted to reprint any article from this site as long as the article is printed in its entirity, and the website address is included with my name. Thank you!
Ponderings of a happy help meet to Tom and mama of many, looking to joyfully serve the Lord out of a happy home.
