The seeds for this particular blog began about the time I was regularly asked, “Do you know if it’s a boy or girl?” Everyone responded positively to our waiting game, usually grinning and replying with something along the lines of “as long as it’s healthy!”

The private thought I began to hold in response was, “what if it’s not?”

In pregnancy, it seems that there is always a hurdle to overcome, beginning with the first 12 weeks. When that milestone is reached, we mommas wipe our brow and mostly get on with the rest of the pregnancy worrying much less about miscarriage. Then there is the 20 week ultrasound, checking organ function and counting limbs. And the rest of the path to babyhood is fraught with worrisome and bewildering amounts of blood work, genetic tests, diabetic lab work, and of course the additional ultrasounds, dopplers and brochures regarding blood cord storage and who knows what else.

What happened to just having a baby?

What I have been pondering for some time now is this fixation on having a healthy baby, not because it is unworthy of hoping for, but because there carries a certain arrogance to it. Something that sounds vaguely like, “once the baby is born nothing will ever happen to him or her......not at 2, not at 12, not at 16.” Do we really believe this?

Furthermore, there is the question of, as I mentioned, “what if it’s not?” Even after a momma chooses to wade through the risks of false positives or dangerous (that is, miscarriage inducing) testing, even if a sure diagnosis was made in utero, the question remains: so what???

After my cesarean, I awaited my sweet baby to join me. The first hour crawled. The second hour was excruciating. My husband called me from the nursery and informed me that our daughter has Down Syndrome.

My response: “So?! I want my baby now!!”

I didn’t get to hold her, see her, nurse her or smell her for four hours, until I had enough feeling in my legs to cross into that wheelchair. The combination of drugs and the rolling motion of the chair made me vomit multiple times on the way to the nursery. I didn’t care.

One of the thoughts I had while I held her was that had this precious girl been conceived in someone’s else womb, she probably would’ve been aborted (80-90% of Down Syndrome babies are). I held her closer than ever.

There are a lot of statistics that would put fear into any mother. When we learned that 50% of these precious children have congenital heart defects, I admit fear. My husband reminded me that “God doesn’t flip coins”. How much more obvious is this than the fact my risk for having a child such as this was 1 in 400? No, this is our child that our Father graciously and lovingly put into our family, and yes, she IS a reward and she IS a blessing.

We held on to this news for several reasons. One, we needed to process the information for ourselves, and figure out what this all meant (lots of time researching!) Two, I felt (and feel) in absolutely no need of consolation, and the last thing I wanted to hear in my hormonal emotional overwrought and tired state was pity, or “I’m sorry”, or something thereabouts. I can handle this response better now, as I know that sometimes people just don’t know what to say, and it is all right for people to process in their own ways. Third, I was grieved to think that this would be a reason for anyone to not have another child.

So it is good to let this out now. We have no idea what lies in store for our family, and that is a mercy. I am thankful that we don’t have “religious faith”, but that we have the Father Himself, through Jesus Christ, who has shown Himself in ways this past nine days that caused us to weep much in awe and humility and gratitude. My husband has been taking notes, and when he writes this up I’d like to at least share some of it.

You know, I don’t care if our baby takes longer to walk or talk. Someday she will. In the meantime, we are enjoying the manna and worries of today without fussing over the possibilities that the morrow will bring. I hope you all know now how much more precious your petitions on our behalf over these past days were.

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