Urban Pioneer
• Jul. 25, 2006 - NOAH
In the year 2006 , the Lord came unto
Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the
earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh
before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints,
saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord
looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!"
He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me,
Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler
system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws
by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We
had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the
Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be
coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood
was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save
the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed
the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering
the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so
many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I
couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact
study on your proposed flood. I 'm still trying to resolve a complaint
with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to
hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization is
checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to
work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I
have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To
make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to
leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive
me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean
you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The
government beat me to it."
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• Jul. 25, 2006 - Untitled Comment