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The number one trying part of motherhood is "keeping the peace".
There is nothing at all more wearing on the spirit of a parent than coping with children who act like they dislike one another. On the other hand, a child who treats his sibling with care and consideration, love and gentleness is a pleasure. It puts Mom (and Dad!) on "cloud nine", and parenting becomes an absolute joy.
Our four year old has gone through numerous fears in his short life. It seems every year, there is a new one. Once, it was his reflection in the window after the sun went down, that created panic. Then, it was fear of air bags after seeing a drawing in the automobile handbook in the glove compartment in our car. Presently, it is bones. His facial expressions and statements are sometimes humorous, but it is distressing to watch the other children openly laugh at, and find ways of inciting their fearful sibling to cry.
When everyone is dining, I don't think it is right or proper to make words over someone's appetite. If they want seconds, be polite. Hush yourself. Don't call them a "piggy".
If one of the siblings makes a "boo boo"... why do the others find pleasure in broadcasting it? How can it be fun to "run down" someone that you love? Why would you want others to be upset or angry with them?
Tonight was especially trying for me. I found myself literally racing to just get everyone in bed. I craved the peace that would come only from their being asleep.
Then, I prayed!
In the past, I have found much encouragement and godly parenting advice on No Greater Joy (see links at left) Ministry's site.
I found an excellent set of articles on "Sibling Rivalry/Fighting" (http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/index.php?id=child-training) that both blessed and instructed me.
I feel as though I can face tomorrow. I have a "game plan".
Helpful quotes from: Love Is Like God —By: Beka Joy (Pearl) Anast, July 2005
- "All activities of the day would include serving each other. Sister would serve brother lunch, and vice versa. Brother would make sister’s bed; sister would take off brother’s shoes... etc... For as long as it took, I would tangle their worlds up until automatically serving the other would come without thought. And you should play the game with Daddy. Serve him in an exaggerated way with the children watching. And rather than serving them, make sure they serve each other."
- " Giving the selfish child a selfless errand is the opposite reward his flesh was looking for."
- " I believe it is important for your children to see your gratefulness to God. They should hear praise and thanksgiving coming out of your mouth continually throughout the day. Thanking God for the weather, the scenery, the groceries, the children, the husband, the neighbors, etc... They need to hear you thanking their father for the work he does, the income he brings home, and his presence in the living room every evening. They need to feel like they are blessed. They will know it by your thankfulness."
What a wonderful set of ideas!
My children will be serving one another this coming week, and as long as it takes for them to do it naturally. And, I will be careful to share my praise and thankfulness with everyone within hearing distance, throughout each day.
Helpful quote from: Sweet Kids —By: Rebekah Joy Anast, May 2006
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" life is about effecting other people. The people nearest us are WHY we work hard, and WHY we do school. We learn to read in order to read to others and write for others. We work in order to make life better for others. We live, not for ourselves, but for those nearest us."
Do my children understand this? Or have I failed to verbalize our mission to do all things with the mind to bless others?
These few things were enough food for thought to settle my grumbling tummy.
I also had to consider:
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What do my children see in my relation with others that are unlovable? Am I properly restrained? Do I openly "love my enemies"? -- Or am I undisguised in my dislike of them? We've had our share of "beggars" coming to our door since moving to the city several years ago. They see us, and figure we're a "good target", as we're "obviously" Christian. They knock on our doors asking for money, gas, food, and more, every week. Occasionally, we get a few who "stick to us like glue"... we have two like this, presently. They've turned our lives upside down. One even lets himself in when my husband is away (the children sometimes forget to properly re-lock the doors). It is unsettling to say the least, and extremely annoying being openly used. Conclusion: I must exercise self-control over my tongue, and body language. With God's help, I must be loving and patient toward the unlovely. I am afraid that, because of me, my children have failed to learn some of Jesus' hardest teachings.
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What do my children observe in my relationship with my husband? Yes, I try very hard to please my husband. After God, he is my first responsibility and priority. I submit to his leadership... but do I do so cheerfully? All the time? Do I ever openly disagree with my husband's decisions or choices, even occasionally? It has become "trickiest" with the oldest children who have aged and become more aware and mature. Even if I agree with their stance on an issue... I must keep it to myself, and remain loyal to my husband.
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Do I have any obvious difficulty in self control with my own dealings with the children? If a child does something naughty, do I lose my patience and temper? Do I have a problem with raising my voice in anger? If I am providing a poor example in self control and self sacrifice (exercising the Fruit of the Spirit is to put self to death on the cross of Christ!)... how can I expect my youngsters to be any different?
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Do I even appear to do things for selfish reasons? Even if I don't realize it, certain actions could be "read" by my children as "selfish". If, for example, I focus on cleaning and give the impression that this matters more to me than they do... I am in danger. I must be careful to daily include them, spend time alone with them just for pure enjoyment, and verbally acknowledge the reason that I like a tidy home: it makes others feel welcome and comfortable, it keeps all of them healthier and safer, etc... It is my way of serving them and others.
My reactions to their sibling rivalry leaves something to be desired, as well. It is humbling to admit this to all of you who might "happen" upon this entry... but when there is discord, I often lose my patience and scold them harshly.
If God should so bless me, I plan to face each new day the Lord grants me, differently.
He tells us, in His Word, that if we ask anything in His name, he will give it to us. My desire to be a more pleasing child of God/example/wife/mother is surely according to His will... and I am confident He will give me all the grace and strength I need.
It is vital that we, as mothers, take a "step back" and look at our lives and ourselves critically. What can we change?
As with our spouses, it does absolutely no good to look at them and point a finger of blame. Change must begin within us.
I, for one, am ready and willing.
Lord, change me!
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