The Prayer of Faith

Went and had an official pregnancy test taken today. What do you know, it was positive. As if the naseau, fatigue, and expanding waistline hadn't already tipped me off. I really did not want to have another child while we were still living here in the middle of nowhere.

The laws here in Wyoming are not conducive to home births, so last time the closest mid-wife I could find was 3 hrs. away. The situation has not changed. With Samuel's birth, it was fine, I went down and stayed with my mom a week before my due date, and he was born three days later. But driving three hours, by myself, with three kids in the car, 39 weeks pregnant is not something I wish to risk again.  Especially since the last two labors have only been two hours long. And my husband was not able to be there for the birth, but came later in the day, three hours of driving on bad roads. My brother in law, who drove my DH down, slid off the road on the way back home, and had to sleep on the side of the road until the plows came. Of course this baby is due in April, so there is less risk for bad weather, but it is still not an ideal situation.

I have heard so many horror stories about the hospital here, that I don't really think of it as on option.

Well, all I can do is pray, and trust that God will take care of us.

I had wanted to put some pots of tomatoes on the back step this summer, but I was certain the deer who frequent the back yard would gobble them up. Well, my neighbor whom I visited today had a couple of pots of healthy looking tomatoes on her doorstep. The deer and rabbits have left them alone. If we are still here next summer (which I very much hope we will not be),  I will have to try it. Though I am not sure if hers will be ripe before the first frost comes.

Any mother knows how rare total silence is.

Today I have this gift.

The two older girls went with grandma to pick out presents for Mary's birthday (which is today). Mary went with her dad to work for a couple of hours. The baby boy is asleep. Which leaves me, essentially, alone in this house.

There are so many things that I could use this time to do. Clean the bathroom? Yes, definately needs to be done. Read a book I've been meaning to read for a few weeks? Sure, that could be nice. Take a nap? Sounds like heaven. But I think the most enticing thing at the moment would be to sit and close my eyes. Be still, draw in the peace and serenity to fortify myself until some moment in the far off future when I will again be alone.

The Three girls: Mary, Elisabeth, Sarah.

Mary pushing Samuel.

Samuel, age1

Mary, age 2

Elisabeth, age 6

Sarah, age 8

I ordered an heirloom seed catalog last week, and recieved it in the mail a couple of days ago. I have another coming. I am going to look through and decide what I should order. Then I will send for the seeds, having faith that by spring I will have somewhere to  plant them.

I took one small step toward the dream life last week. Strawberries were on sale, so I bought six packages, and made a couple of batches of freezer jam. They were not home grown, organic, or locally grown, but they were the best available. Now I just need to make some fressh bread to go with it. There is nothing like hot homemade bread and homemade jam to take you back to grandma's house and childhood.

Wish that I could post some pictures of the beautiful little containers all lined up in my freezer, but I lost my digital camera earlier this summer. It has been horrible. I will have to go back to using my old 35mm camera, just need to get it some batteries and film.

Yesterday we had the most amazing storm that I have seen in years. The wind came first, bold, and cold, tearing at the trees, bending them this way and that, ripping the green leafs off of the trees, and sending them flying. Then the rain hit in a sideways sheet, as the lightning lit up the sky, flashing all around the horizon, the thunder cracking like a gunshot, then rumbling, and growling until the next crack. With the first loud report, the kids ran into the house screaming, but they were soon back, getting soaked to the bone just by standing in the doorway. Then the wind picked up even more, carrying the rain across the parking lot and the road in rolling waves. It was the most stunning sight, watching the waves of water carried across the pavement, and rippling the dirt on the other side of the road. It looked like ocean waves, hitting the sand. Then a river rushed down the street, looking as if it was going to carry away our van which was parked on the street, the water rushed up against the tires, splaying out, it looked like it was driving across a lake. In the back yard, there were gushing waterfalls, bringing mud slides onto the lawn.

My husband said that many basements in town were flooded, and on our side of town, some cars were covered in mud from mudslides on the bare hills.

Wow, I feel alive again.

My dream is large. My time is not.

I have the childish tendency to want what I want right NOW. Once I decide on a course of action don't bog me down with details like patience, preparation, and God's perfect timing. Don't tell me it would be imprudent to go from a townhouse, with no pets, and no yard maintenance required; to the 100 acres of forests and farmland, gardens and livestock that I long for.

God has promised to take my by the hand and lead me to land, and I will wait patiently, and know the home he provides me with will be the perfect and seemly one for my family and myself; our health, and sanity. I will be content and productive where I am, finding ways to prepare for the promised blessings.(instead of sinking into despair and inactivity)

Step #1: My goal for spring: have space to plant a garden, and keep a pet.

That simple goal won't take much space, and it is reasonable for me to be able to accomplish. With a new baby coing in the sping, I won't want to take on too much; but a small garden, and one dog (?) should be doable.

I keep telling myself that I can wait until spring, yet the thought of another long cold winter stuck in this dark, small apartment almost panicks me. I don't know if I can take another such winter. Especially being pregnant. I suffered, last winter, from depression like I have never known. Which was in part due to being stuck inside. The wind here is so cold and cutting, that you cannot bundle up against it. It lashes out all winter long, whipping savagely across these plains. The snow is so dry you can't really play in it, it dosen't pack for snowballs, or snowmen, and when you try to sled, you sink to the bottom.

Now I am rambling on and bringing fear and despair back. I will trust the Lord. He has promised me deliverance, and I will hold to that. "Look to God in every thought, doubt not, fear not."