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When siblings have children

Now that both my brother and I have children (especially our boys being so close in age- only 5 months apart) our different parenting styles are pulling us apart and it is hurting me deeply. We have learned not “spare the rod” here (nor do we beat our children) and my brother believes the opposite. He is also the parent of one 2.5 year old boy (baby on the way) while I am the parent of a two girls (10 and 7) and a boy age 3. From my view point, having my two girls before my boy is different, as is Mr. Conductor being a third child as opposed to first born. I readily admit that I was a know-it-all first time mom with a list a mile long of what I allowed/didn’t allow for my first child. We tried the newer parenting tactics; no spanking, time-outs and such and I’d have to say I over-parented (if there is such a thing) big time. In my smugness, I saw what hadn’t worked for my parents and told myself I wouldn’t go down that same road. I was full of how I was not only going to parent different than mine did but better. HA! Shall I just say now that it didn’t take me long to fall FLAT ON MY FACE!!!! Now with my third I am a more relaxed parent, I am still vigilant but I don’t hyperventilate nearly as much. *wink* For instance, Mr. Conductor, during a church dinner, pushed a 2 foot plaster pillar over to the baptistery and proceeded to climb from the pillar to the top of the baptistery (approx. 4 feet high) with a mighty “TADA!” I watched him do it; I saw it from the start and knew exactly what he was going to do and I. LET. HIM. Once he caught my eye and I acknowledged his feat, he got back down and went about it way. I know that if I had run up there right away and tried to remove him that he would have continued to try to climb it. I know that if I had panicked and yelled or some such thing I may have spooked him and caused him to tumble. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t a biggie. BUT . . . . another boy his age (an only child as compared to a #3) saw what he did and proceeded to try and do the same thing and his father reacted in the opposite way- taking off at a dead run and grabbing his boy up into his arms in mid climb. The Dad also then hid the pillar to prevent them from climbing it again. My Mr. Conductor had already gone on to play something else. Now I am not saying I was right and the other father was wrong, I’m just saying that this is one of the fundamental differences between firstborn and “down the line” children and how we learn/evolve in our parenting (or perhaps it's just that Mr. Conductor has pretty much been a professional climber since he could toddle and perhaps this boy wasn't so swift on his feet? I don't know.). And this is what I remind myself of when I get frustrated with my brother. He hasn’t parented this age before, he is still learning which battles to fight and which to let go. And so I mostly sit back and think to myself “this too shall pass”, “Just wait and see, he’ll learn”. He and his wife are, in fact, expecting a baby girl in July and so he will be learning . . . . .
But where do we put our foot down when others try to tell us how to parent? If it was anyone besides my family I would NOT put up with it. My brother has kind of always had the tendency to voice his opinion/offer constructive criticism and such about all kinds of matters but has never taken well when he is on the receiving end. Back in December, J broke my standing glass domed lamp and when I tried to joke about it a couple of days later my brother barked at me and bit my head off. He does NOT take well to the thought of anyone else trying to tell him how to parent. Period. I have learned this the hard way, even when I’ve only be jesting and have found it is just best to keep my mouth shut.

Lynne commented that Sassafras is probably more aware of my brother’s dislike than I think and I agree with her. She’s not dumb and she can sense his hostile attitude even when he’s not getting after her and getting after her and getting after her. And where does that leave me? Hurting. Hurting for myself and my brother’s lack of confidence in me and hurting for my darling sweet daughter who I truly feel doesn’t deserve all of this. Now you could then insert here that I must speak with my brother about this- I HAVE to for my daughter’s sake. I am not at that place. I mean it when I say I am in prayer on this as is Mr. Steady, and we continue to feel God telling us to wait. But that doesn’t mean that I am not even more vigilant about keeping Sass as far away as possible from harm, which we are trying to do. It just means we won’t be discussing it with my brother yet. I have noticed, lately, that my brother and his wife have actually been treating my whole family a bit differently- their behavior seems a bit off and I am not the only one noticing. The rest of my family feels the same. Now, they are pregnant with #2 and we mamas know how that will throw off your groove but that just doesn’t seem to the rest of us to be “it”. And so that is a big reason why we feel the need to wait. We can never truly know what someone else is feeling or going thru or dealing with and since my brother hasn’t really been sharing with us we continue to be clueless.
And so I continue to pray. I pray for my brother and his little family. I pray that God will not allow my heart to harden towards them as I deal with my own hurt. I pray that God will shield my daughter from further hurt. I pray that God will give me the words to say when I am speaking to them and keep my mouth firmly shut against words that will wound and not promote healing. I pray that God will be in charge, leading and guiding whatever is going on with their little family. I pray that God will give my sil comfort and keep her and their baby girl safe and healthy. I pray that J’s behavior will improve and that their parenting will be blessed. I pray for restitution for my family. I pray for healing for all our wounded hearts. I pray that God would curb my tongue when I desire to speak out or against. I pray for understanding. Mostly, I pray that this too shall pass and that my family will be restored to the close camaraderie that I have always known previously.

Hmmm.....

7:28 PM, 2007-Mar-1 .. Posted by Lynne

Amy, It sounds like your church is set up so the kids sit through the entire church service and then attend sunday school later. Is this correct?
At our church, the kids come in with the parents, they hear the announcements, a group prayer, sing a song, then the kids (5th grade and under) are called up to the front for a short talk and prayer with the minister. They are then dismissed for sunday school which takes place in the remaining 2/3 of our church service.
After the church service, there is "enrichment" for kids which is kids' choir practice, snacks, and other activities so the parents can attend an adult sunday school, then the second church service starts after that.
Although this may upset your parents, wouldn't it be better if you and your brother's family sat apart since this has become such an issue? I personally find it totally normal for a 7 year old to be fidgety during an hour long church service.
Because we belong to a large church, the sanctuary was set up so we enter from the back. Behind the entry way is a glassed in room with 10 rows of pews that have the service broadcast over speakers. Some parents with small children feel more comfortable in the "child's chapel" because their kids can't disturb anyone. Most kids go to sunday school during the majority of the church service.
I wish you well in dealing with this, and I certainly can understand why this is distressing to you. I hope your parents will understand that the two families may need separation during church for a while.

Family differences

9:23 AM, 2007-Mar-4 .. Posted by lancelotacres

We also experience differences of opinion than my family members (mostly my mom). DD5 has only been spanked one time about 2 years ago (time-out is usually more effective), and my mom still threatens to turn us into social services about it. There is a very large rift between my mom and I, she doesn't think I need to set a schedule for my children, or tell them 'no' if they ask for a sweet treat an hour before dinner, or right after dinner (when they don't EAT their dinner). There are too many issues to mention. It makes it very hard to have a good relationship when everything we do is under scrutiny.

Good luck with this, I know it can be very stressful.

Hugs,
Lisa