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Today is February 2nd

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15b

10 years ago today was the due date for the baby I lost; my first baby. Some years the date just goes by and I don’t think on it and then there are times like today- when my heart is heavy with longing. I am the blessed mother of 3 wonderful lively children but none replace the one I lost. So today, I think of this baby and I ache with that nagging longing of just once wishing I could have held it and kissed it’s soft cheek. I am blessed to know in my head and heart that I will be reunited with this baby. I like to think that I will be met at the gates of heaven by those I love who have gone before me and that my baby, my treasure, will be placed in my arms. What a fulfilling thought! So I think on those verses above today. I know it’s okay to mourn and that I am comforted in that. I do not wallow in pity but I also don’t ignore the fact that I have lost something precious. Death is always hard and there are often people who don’t understand what you go through or expect your mourning to be done soon after. I think the loss/miscarriage of an unborn baby is one of the hardest to give comfort about and I have found that some keep the loss quite hidden.

I was truly amazed at the things said to us when we lost the baby- some good, some horrible and some bizarre. Quite a few women, friends and family, came up and quietly shared with me that they too had lost a child and I was shocked! Why hadn’t we known? Why had they “suffered in silence”? I didn’t understand why they wanted it to be a secret. I really struggled with our loss. I had no baby to hold and kiss good-bye, no body to bury, no grave to visit and lay flowers on; just a hole and ache inside me. Some people didn’t want to ask me or talk to me about it. Many said “Well at least you know you can have children. Just keep trying.” That one really fried me- like I needed a pep talk or something! Many people hugged and gave sympathy but couldn’t really understand our grief. I decided that losing my child would not be something I would keep quiet and that I would do my best to be a help and comfort to others that experience the same baffling loss. I had so many questions and concerns. I went through the mourning, through the blaming (thinking I had not taken care of myself properly and that it was my fault etc.) but never through denial. This baby didn’t live and breathe outside my womb but it did LIVE!

I know that today my baby is better off than I. He/she is safe in the arms of Jesus and was blessed to never have to experience the pains that we do here on earth.

I also know that I no longer have a responsibility to this child but I do to the 3 in my care right now. So today, I will cuddle them close a bit longer and hold them a bit tighter. I will snuggle in with my son (22 mos.) at nap time and tuck my nose in the crook of his neck and inhale the sweet scent of baby. I will feel his heart beat next to mine and the sweet ‘wiffle’ of his snore and I will be thankful and know that I am blessed! I will make Valentine’s with my girls, read to them at bedtime and then when they are asleep, really asleep I will creep into their beds and brush the hair from their sweet cheeks and kiss them each gently. I will say a prayer and blessing over each of them and I will sing to all my babies “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living, My babies you’ll be.” Thank you Jesus for Your great mercy and love.

Our blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses and disappointments; but let us have patience and we shall soon see them in their proper figures.

                                                                        -Joseph Addison