A lot has happened since I last updated this blog.

I cannot help but wonder how many of you got tired of checking in to see if I’d written anything, yet.

Where do I begin?

I went to court on the 18th. And, happily, I was represented.

The courtroom was full of people my husband dragged in to testify for him. People to support him. They saw him as a hurting, pained individual abused by the system and tortured by an unkind, thoughtless wife.

The hearing went on forever. It was physically as well as emotionally wearying.

No ruling was made, but my husband had his attorney beg the court for at least one visit with the children while we awaited the next court hearing. Every suggestion posed I agreed with.

But, not my husband.

He argued logistics for over an hour.

I found the whole thing sickening. For someone who so desperately missed his children, he was finding a lot of excuses not to see them.

Had it been me, I know for fact I would have jumped through any hoops handed me. I would have breathed, “Anyplace! Anytime! Just tell me where to go and when!”

I thought I would be the one with the most negative reaction toward the supervised visit, the following day. I rushed around cleaning, feeding, packing for, and reassuring children who were in tears.

“He’ll take me away and won’t let me see you again, like last time, Mommy!”

I felt resentment at how easy everything was handed my husband who had to do nothing, as usual, but show up and play. All the “grunt work” was done.

When the children returned, the baby fussed from her stroller when she saw me. I picked her up, and she began a tantrum shortly thereafter. She’s never cried like that. Ever. It was almost as though she’d eaten something that upset her tummy. Nothing I did soothed her. I still don’t know what that was all about…

I gave the children baths that night. They had been sent back to me un-wiped, and covered in cake and frosting. I’d just finished washing the three youngest little ones, and the six-year-old was on his way into the bubble water.

“Dad told me not to listen to you, Mom.” He said as I gathered wet towels and dirty clothing.

“Oh really?” I asked casually, “Why would he say that?”

”He says you’re bad. But I’m going to listen to you, anyway. I love you. I don’t think you’re bad.”

I smiled and proceeded to the office to speak with the crises counselor on duty. There, I fell into a chair and cried.

For the next several days, I listened to, “I don’t have to listen to you!” whenever my little son didn’t like what I had to say.

At 2am, the night of the children’s supervised visit, the three-year-old came to my bed, as always. He lugged with him the enormous gift bag that was brought back the evening before.  

He crawled underneath the covers, and we went back to sleep.

At 3am, however, he woke screaming and hollering angrily. His cries quickly turned into a full-blown tantrum, and he responded to none of my attempts to calm him. This has never happened before.

Apparently visits with Daddy will spark a lot of abnormal behavior. There will be countless adjustments. For all of us.

Since their visit, other disturbing things have surfaced as well. Pictures of me being “cut up” while my husband sat at a picnic bench, other statements made to the children…

The children chat. I do not ask questions or “grill” for information. I do not want to be like that. I feel that in time my husband’s “true colors” will be apparent on their own. I don’t want to make any of this more stressful on the little ones.

On the 22^nd, four days since we’d been in court last, we returned. My husband proceeded to fire his attorney, insisting to the court that he could do a better job.

The witnesses that he brought up to testify on his behalf actually hurt, rather than helped, his case.

To make a long story shorter, I was granted a four-year extension on the restraining order. I am no longer frightened at the thought of moving out of the shelter.

I was also granted full temporary placement and custody of the children. My husband will have supervised visits on weekends, and telephonic visits three times per week.

Since court, my husband has apparently found another attorney to represent him and I am fearful of what faces me, next.

He has also dug around trying to locate my ex-husbands in an attempt to stir up trouble. And he’s distributing my property.

He can give away whatever he will. He can contact whoever he desires. Nothing he does will change the truth. It can embarrass me, but it will not hurt me.

As usual, what he’s meant for evil has often been a blessing and a boon.

I was married twice before. This is why I fought so hard to make this present marriage work. My past is utterly shameful and humiliating. I despise it.

My first husband was out of touch and paid support erratically. The oldest children have asked about him a lot these last months, but I did not know his address.

Frankly, my husband would have been irate if I’d even tried to locate him.

What a terrific thing it was, therefore, when he contacted my aunt. Although he didn’t leave a message, caller ID showed his phone number. I was able to call him and “bridge” contact between himself and the girls. They’re utterly thrilled to be back in touch.

I’m assuming my husband has also attempted to contact my second husband. There was a great deal of gross physical and sexual abuse in that marriage and I left a year after marrying. My third child was only a year old.

My ex-husband had told me that he would not be a “part time father”. It was all or nothing, and he held to that. No support. No contact, despite my attempts the first two years at sending photos and suchlike.

My adult life is nothing but a trashed grouping of years. Can you all see that?!

I hate myself.  

My journey is mortifying and shameful.

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gabbie427
Said:

We all have skeletons, baggage, a sinful past, things we would rather not be hung out with the daily laundry Carrie. I am not concerned with your past, and any good judge or lawyer will not be either. They will be concerned with who you are now, and who you have been since you left hubby. Are you a good mommy??? Yes! Have you been drinking and drugging and inviting a different guy in every night?? NO!!! Have you taken care of the children in every way you needed to, protected them from harm?? YES!!!

So you have a sorted past, oh well. People who knew you year and years ago and what they thought of you won't be able to do anything with your case as it is in present time. Ex hubbies can say what they want, but you have not been with them for YEARS, so don't worry.

I am glad you were able to get this set to supervised visits only right now. Thank God for that. And the people he called to testify for him ended up hurting his case.....how funny!!! And the 4 year order??? YIPEEE!!!!

Don't remind yourself of who you were dear Carrie. We all know what kind of a person you are now. A daughter of the Most High, an heir to the throne, a wonderful mommy, and a caring, loving individual.

I am still praying!!! Thank you sooo much for updating us!!!! I have been wondering about you lately!!

God's Blessings,
Amy Jo

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safords
Said:

We love you! We see that you have been terribly hurt and betrayed by men. I pray that all these shananigans your husband is playing on you will end soon and you will have peace and and rest. Unfortunately, these weekend visits and weekly phone calls are going to be a terrible thorn in your side. I pray that at the next court hearing things will be a little more resolved. We are praying! And we want you to stay strong. See yourself as a child of God... don't hate yourself for the shame these men have put on you. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanidng, will guard your hearts and mind thorugh Christ Jesus. Phil. 4: 6, 7

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jatie
Said:

I'm just sitting here crying thinking that you could feel that way about yourself, you know that the past is the past, we certainly cannot go back.

I was also married before, I was married to a very bizarre and abusive man, I cannot even begin to tell you the odd things I experienced in that marriage although it was only a couple of years. I did not have children with him, simply because I was not on the right path with the Lord and was more concerned about pleasing self than pleasing the Lord, I've been married now to my present husband for many years and we have three grown children.
Let me tell you, I love my husband and he is a good man but there are no perfect marriages so you need to understand that first thing, also if I started to look at my past and the things I did I would probably find myself sinking into some pretty low depths so I will not do that.

Carrie, please know that you are loved, the Lord loves you, your children love you, your family and we, your fellow Christian women love you also. There's no blame, no black marks, no shame!, no judgment, you cannot paint a portrait of yourself through the words and deeds that have been done to you by others, that's just not the way it works.

Christ died on that cross so all is forgiven if we follow Him, it's that simple dear sister.

Please stop looking back, look at the present and forward, you have your children and you have many years of joy ahead, this is simply a speed bump to get over, you will be fine.

Remember that God has ordained all of this and He will be with you through it all. He planned this before there was time and has promised to never leave us nor forsake us, hold fast to His promises. God never fails. I understand you are hurting, confused, and scared, it's totally and completely normal, but God knows all that is happening and how it will turn out, remember He knew all of this before there was time and ordained it for His purpose, for His glory.

Look to Christ, my dear, and keep your focus on Him. He never has and never will fail, His promises are true and last forever.

Thanks for posting, my dd and I have been checking for an update and worried and prayed.

Judy

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Jen S.
Said:

The Lord does not want you to live with this shame. Jesus died on the cross because He loves us SO much - skeletons and all - I have skeletons too - things that used to make me vomit I was so ashamed. But the Lord has freed me from the shame and guilt - some of the sins of my past were completely 100% my fault, bad choices - others were not my fault one bit. I repented for what was my fault, and accepted Jesus' forgiveness and I accepted His love for what wasn't my fault. It wasn't easy, though. It sounds like there is much that wasn't your fault - moment by moment, fall into Jesus' arms, and ask Him to take the shame away. Satan wants you to feel that shame so that you can't fully feel the love Jesus' has for you, regardless of your stained past. Its not an overnight process, but as you go back to your Saviour every day, you realize more and more just how much He loves you.

Also, I can't open your other blog to post (freezes up on me), but just wanted to say, it looks like you are learning much about the wonderful grace of Jesus! As I read Romans, I'm reminded, over and over and over again, how much of the rules and regulations we try to practice mean absolutely nothing for eternity. Praise the Lord that salvation can't be earned, because I'd be doomed for hell. But my Lord loved me SO much that He gave His only begotten Son to die in my place! Praise be to Him!

Still praying for you (((Hugs)))

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HandsNHearts
Said:

First off, hugs dear sister.

Second -- why would you be ashamed, still, about your past, your history? That is all gone. It can be drug back up for all to bear witness to now, but sister, that isn't you. You are NEWLY BORN. There isn't a past for you in that sense at all. It is there merely as a marker for the distance The Lord has brought you in His Name. It's all forgotten to The One who matters. Let the world with all it's true shame and disgust wallow it what it pleases. You have been adopted well beyond that.

One more thing -- can you get the children into counseling? I'm very concerned about the behavior and emotions stemming from a first (of many more) visits. The attitudes will not just go away. The youngers are years before a level of true understanding will come to them over their father's 'true colors'. It is absolutely not anything normal to draw Mom cut up while Dad sits by. There are deep issues playing here and I truly feel they should have some sort of counseling to help them really find an understanding of all their emotions before they end up out of control and needing more.

I am so glad to hear that things are actually moving in a good direction over all. Email me with your address once you get settled in somewhat! I've tried emailing you, but life is busy and I understand that.

Deanna

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Sara
Said:

First I wanted to say I am praying for you and your children dear Sister Carrie. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this and carry your children along through it as well.

I also wanted to say, as a child of divorce resulting from domestic abuse, their father's true colors will reign through. My mother never spoke an evil word about my father, but I eventually came to her wanting to know why he was so hurtful and uncaring, and why he spoke so hatefully about my mom. As long as you raise your children the way I know you continue to do, in love and in the way you know the Lord would have you to raise them, they will know.

Much love and many blessings,
sara

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onlyme
Said:

Carrie, please don't let the enemy put thoughts into your head of guilt, Christ came to set us free, and Paul said that we were to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Put those thoughts away and don't let them surface in your mind again.

Not a one of us is clean and pure or has a perfect past, we are all as filthy, stinky rags, but God's love and grace makes us clean and brand new.

You are being tried, tested, and passed through the fire, Carrie, but you are standing strong in the faith that you believe that Jesus Christ is Lord of all and He will and always prevails.

God has not let you be put to shame in court, yet, Carrie, and He will continue to be your judge. God is letting your ex's sin spill over in court right before the very eyes of those he has accused you to.

Chin Up, Carrie, Head High, You are the daughter of the most high God and this must be and remain your only focus right now, to please Him and continue rearing your children in Him.

The love of God on those children's faces will speak for itself. What you have instilled in them will be the fruit for all to see. Fear Not, For He is with you!

We are lifting you up and yes, I and my family are believing that God is the same God, yesterday, today, and forever more, and Yes, He is and will perform a miracle in your life/lives.

We love you, Carrie!!!

Dee and family!

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Anonymous
Said:

No DO NOT HATE YOURSELF!!!!! So many people make so many mistakes and that is all they are. Mistakes!!! He is pulling the same stunts that my friends husband pulled on her. The man claimed he wanted to see the kids, but when he had to have supervised visitation, he would never set it up cause he did not want to tell anyone, he did not call, and then claimed in court how he was not getting to see the kids.

He tried to defame my friend by bringing up her previous marriage and any past transgressions from before their marriage, it did not work. He and his family including a teacher and a pastor sent emails to her customers and friends to try to get them to stop supporting her. I then started blogging about their failed attempts.

They sent emails and comments to other bloggers who were supporting her. IT DID NOT WORK. She has full custody of her children with ONLY supervised visitation in a vistation center even. God will see you through.

I posted this earlier this week in my blog so it was fresh on my mind

Psalm 91:7-16

A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you."

"Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of wicked."

"Because you have made the LORD,who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,"

"No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;"

"For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways."

"In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone."

"You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample undersfoot."

"Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name."

"He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him."

"With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation."

God will keep you, you are his child and He Loves You more then you can ever know. Please get rid of your feelings of hate toward yourself. It is in our nature to want to keep working to hold something together way past it working. We are nurturers, moms, wives, it is what we do. I so wish I were closer to give you a big old hug.

Hugs
Amy

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Anonymous
Said:

Dear Carrie,
I have checked daily and am so glad you posted an update. We all care about you and your dear children. Carrie, the Lord made you. Do not hate yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, some terribly distressing in retrospect. If we were perfect, Jesus would not have died for our sins...there would have been no need. I will continue to pray for healing and resolution. I agree with the poster who mentioned counseling for the children. They are not worldly...they do not understand. However, this can scar them unless they are guided to talk about their feelings.
I will continue to check your blog and am praying for you through this difficult journey.

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Anonymous
Said:

oh dear...do NOT hate yourself..that is a thought from the Devil...tell him to flee from you in Jesus Name!!
Your story sounds alot like my mother's story. Her 4th marriage was just like yours...horrifying abuse..she put everything into that man and when he left her for another women. Her world crumbled..eventually he managed to get all her kids taken from her ...and that was it for her I think. She is no longer the women I knew, a christian women who homeschooled, wore a covering, dresses only, no tv...she let him get the best of her. She now hangs out in bars everyday, she has went off the deep end I am afraid, my 14 yr old sister who lives with her is now addicted to drugs, sleeps around. It breaks my heart...I weep as I type this. But please DON'T let yourself fall into that pit of despair...DON'T let the devil nudge his way in. Jesus died for our sins, ALL our sins no matter how bad, how horrible...He forgives. Cling to Him, Cry out to Him.....DO NOT hate yourself...you are FORGIVEN.

You are in my prayers and thoughts
((hugs))
Amity
www.keepingourheartsathome.blogspot.com

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