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I just wanted to submit an entry, tonight, thanking all of you who have prayed for and encouraged me when I've felt my weakest. So many have told me (both online, here, as well as "in real life") that I am "strong". Strong? -- I thought in wonder over that adjective for weeks! I am NOT strong. How many tears I have shed. How agonizing all this has been. How sobering it is to know that I am breaking up a family... and how awful to finally accept the treatment we received all these years as abuse. When you're in an abusive relationship... you make excuses. You do not want to see what is happening. It is easier to change your thinking... adjust... change to try and fit your husband's wishes... try and find "reasons" for his acting as he does... and especially BLAME yourself. See, if it is YOUR fault... you can FIX it. Be a better wife. Keep a cleaner house. Don't let the toddler have a tantrum. Make sure that the houseful is quiet so Daddy doesn't get angry. Whatever it takes, do it. If you have your own opinions or feelings, ignore them. Blend your thinking to fit his knowing that if you don't, you'll be in trouble. But, if you're being abused... it really IS bad. It really IS wrong. And it really is NOT your fault. Thank you again for being with us and for us. I do not feel I deserve the love you've shown me. It is hard to accept kindness and warm words. But I thank you from the deepest depths of my heart. This has been a horrid journey, and I'm not even somewhat through it, yet. I have so long to go. It's overwhelming and frightening. But... I know I'm not alone. I have my dear Lord... and others, including all of you. Thank you. One of you commented: I'm so happy for you about how the court hearing went! The Lord truly did go before you and fight for you. Is it often that the District Attorney is personally involved in a case like this? I'm glad he was there to help you and fend off your angry Mother-in-law. Are you still staying at the shelter, and how do you get money if you need it? I'll keep praying for you and add that the Lord would provide all your needs. I do not know if all districts utilize District Attorneys in this manner, or not. But I still stand wholly thankful to the Lord for putting him in our path. This DA has been such an aid in this mess. Yes, we're still at the shelter. I was told it would be about two more weeks until our new home is ready for us to move in. This is a home that falls under the "Transitional Housing" program conducted through this domestic abuse shelter. They help women like me get on their feet. Knowing that most women who flee an abusive situation do so at great cost, leaving everything behind. Everything within the home is furnished. There is furniture, even sheets and pans and towels! We're allowed to stay up to two years, which should be plenty of time to secure alternative housing. By then, I should have a steady income (prayerfully, home-based, at least part time, allowing me to remain home for the children), and have acquired necessary furnishings, etc... As for how I get money when I need it... presently, I have none, except for some birthday money my mother sent me in a card! I have dear relatives who help me when I need this or that... and the shelter furnishes us with toiletries and food and a roof over our heads. Last week was approved for medical assistance and food stamps through the state. I am receiving a lot of "handouts" and that is hard for me. But it is necessary, and I will take whatever is needed right now, to keep the children and I safe and healthy. I tell myself, "this is only temporary" and "these resources are put in place for times such as this". I am no longer working, selling things online and at the Farmer's Market in town. I do not have access to my patterns, supplies, material, sewing machine, nothing. So... no income. But, I trust in time I'll get those things back and can go back to selling to help support the children and I. Some day, I desperately want to go to school and obtain the education I would need to work in a shelter such as this one. Going through all of this has opened my eyes and heart to women in domestic violence situations. I want to help them. That is years from now... probably after the children are much more grown... but it is a desire that has been growing within me. Im am so happy things are starting to look better. The one thing that still suprises me is that the shelter you are staying at doesnt help in finding a lawyer. Seems they would be experienced in doing this. You are a very courages woman and wonderful mother. Your children will never forget what you have done for them. I do have to "stick up" for this shelter. There is a crisis counselor, here, who specializes in the legal aspects of domestic abuse in relation to divorce/custody. She (and others) have been a great help. But, no, there are absolutely no attorneys or lawyers that they are affiliated with that could help women like me. There is a stipend available, upon filing an application for aid, with a group called the Women's Coalition Against Domestic Violence (the people here shorten/pronounce it, "WI-CAD-VEE". I have a stack of papers, detailing over fifty attorneys, to go through tomorrow. I must phone each one and try to find SOMEone who will take a "pro-bono" case or that stipend through WCADV. I am dreading it. I'm absolutely dreading it. I feel negative, and like I'll never find someone to represent me. There was one attorney back home that I met with several months ago when my husband began threatening me, again, regarding the children and my being allowed access to them... I've been in contact with him and have been trying to find a way to get him... but his retainer is $2,500 and I just do not have that. He wants that, down. And the stipend from WCADV is paid monthly as the attorney bills them. He's good. He's won several tough, tough custody cases. And he's supportive, validating, and encouraging toward DV victims and their children. But he's "out of reach". It's time to focus on other alternatives... Truly, though, the shelter is operating the best they can. But there are only so many things they can do for women like me. I must be thankful for the aid they have (and continue) to provide. On another note, I'm getting used to the inhalation/bronchio-dilater devices the doctor prescribed. They help a lot. Last night, I was able to lie down and go to sleep with only a little coughing. It was the first night in nearly two weeks I was able to rest! (Praising You, Lord!) The other two medications - the oral steroid for the lungs and the antibiotics - are surely helping, too. There is "movement", now, deep within my chest. It's an awful sensation, but I know it's a positive one, nonetheless. Unfortunately, one of the doses of the five-day-round given me of antibiotics fell out of my hands, into the full kitchen trash basket, this morning. I had peeled the foil wrapper off of it, and went to throw it into the garbage, when I coughed suddenly... losing not only the wrapper but the pill, too. Ughhh... Tomorrow afternoon (after I make all of my "lawyer calls"), I'm going to go to the pharmacy to see if they'll let me purchase a replacement pill (see... my mother's birthday money... perfect timing...). I talked to an elderly friend of ours, tonight. Something just pressed her to my heart and mind, late today. I felt a NEED to call her. It's been a couple months... I hadn't wanted to get her "involved"... I didn't want to "put her in the middle" of this mess... so had kept out of touch for a long while, thinking I could phone her when things began to "settle down". Would you believe that this very night, my husband stopped by her house? He showed up on her doorstep, "out of the blue", wanting her to testify in court for him as a "character witness". She was absolutely beside herself. She told him she didn't want to get involved. When he left, she said she was "shaking like a leaf"... I felt so guilty. So... I guess his lawyer is having him try to find people to show what a nice, respectable man he is. People to prove that "no way could this dear man have done anything despicable to his wife and kids!" People... who do not live with him and could never know the "real him". Today, the children and I packed a picnic lunch and we went for a walk down a trail along the river. Then, we played at a park, nearby, before coming "home". Tomorrow, I'm going to load up the children and travel the city bus, again. We hope to get to the Salvation Army for some skirts and dresses, and maybe a nighty or two (I only have one and it's looking kind of "rough"! And my daughters have only two dresses, like myself, and they're getting pretty worn out). None of this was planned or expected... I also wanted to stop at a grocery for a couple things (the shelter is great, but there are "perks" to having your own food that you can write your name on so no one else takes it. The children like yogurt, for example, and there is one woman here who can literally eat fifteen to twenty of them in less than two days!). I'd like to get some of that and some fresh fruit and salad fixings! All that plus the pharmacy... Should be another great adventure! The restraining order has brought such peace to us. It is a GIFT to be able to get OUT of this shelter long enough to breathe the air and feel the sun on our faces. I noticed, tonight, when I washed my hands in the bathroom, that I actually have a sunburn on my forehead! Who would have guessed that a sunburn could be a good thing?! God bless all of you and may He continue to keep you in His precious care! Thank you, again. |
Thoughts
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