Sunday, August 3, 2008

Another Late Night...

It is 11pm and I'm dreading hitting the sheets.

Another day crossed off, and Tuesday growing closer.

The social worker met with me, yesterday morning. It was actually a very revealing, encouraging visit.

So much that the little ones and olders, alike, shared were pivotal as "proof". The CPS worker was very nice, very validating, and even promised to make some calls to aid me in locating a lawyer.

"If you go in on Tuesday," she informed me, "and still do not have counsel, tell them so. Tell them you're not comfortable at all with that and that you're in the process of trying to secure representation. Make sure the court commissioner is told that a child welfare investigation has been started and is underway. No judge in their right mind will make any type of ruling when there is an open case like this."

I am praying she is correct.

In the meantime, I had a surprise call from an aunt who wanted to help, and the woman in charge of the "Transitional Living" program, here at the shelter, is looking into helping me get some funding from a program for women who've experienced domestic violence.

Is there a miracle still to happen?

Oh, God knows I need a lawyer desperately.

There is an author - Lundy, a counselor who's actively worked with batterers for nearly twenty years - who has written some excellent books. One, "Why Does He Do That" was given me here at the shelter. I was amazed and my eyes were opened to all of the things that life meant for us at home.

I am presently reading two others, "When Dad Hurts Mom" (domestic violence through the eyes of a child) and "The Batterer as Parent"... that are awakening a deeper concern in me regarding the end of this custody battle.

It is a myth that women get custody more often then men... and it is also a myth that abusers have a fight to win. On the contrary, the batterer often sways the court in his direction.

It's nuts.

I definitely have a big battle on my hands. And I thank all of you who reminded me that this battle is the Lord's. It is a fact that I didn't forget, by any means... but it is soothing to be encouraged in the Lord nonetheless.

Early this evening, I "bit the bullet" and told the children to just get their socks and shoes on. "We're going outside!"

"We are!? We are!?"

The excitement was high. It's been a long time since they were even allowed to look out the window. I was tired of it. I didn't care about "risks" any more! We wanted the sun on our skins and the outside air in our lungs!

The children - even the baby - squealed as we exited the shelter. They were so thrilled! The four year old, like the others, ran at top speed. There was a skinned knee before any play had even been enjoyed!

As we went back inside, my aunt pulled in with some things they'd picked up for me while shopping. I bandaged my daughter's knee after putting a little peroxide on the minor scrape and attempted to settle my now-wild-and-crazy youngsters who were getting every toy instrument possible to make a "band". It was time to make supper.

Two of the other residents here, exited the shelter at just this time. They sat out front for a bit and when they came back inside, I was told my husband had been parked, watching them the entire time they were out there. As they went back in, he drove away.

My aunt had my oldest daughter's cat dropped off in her driveway.

He's back.

I cannot help but wonder how long he was there watching the shelter. Did he follow my aunt in? That doesn't make sense. He already knew we were here.

Then... was he watching the children and I outside in the play area? If so, for how long?

It's creepy.

And what's happened to my grandmother's two cats that we adopted following her death in March? Are they still alive? Why did he drop only the one cat off? What has he done with the dog? Anything?

Needless to say, the shelter is under stricter precautions again, tonight.

Before I close, I did want to take a moment to respond to some of the postings urging me to get RID of anger.

I want to say that, since coming here to the shelter, I've had time to breathe. I'm able to think now, and hold an opinion without fear. My mind is clearer than its been in many, many years.

Anger can be righteous. What was done to my children is detestable. I cannot even begin to tell you how my heart broke to hear some of the things that my husband did to them as the social worker read me her notes. Some of it I knew already and could never have forgotten, some of it was fuzzy and had long since left my memory until the reminder... and some I knew nothing about.

"That's because he said he didn't want to make things harder on you. He knew the atmosphere at home was tense and didn't want it to worsen."

Gut wrenching. NO nine year old should have to shoulder such things!

My anger is righteous.

And, yes, it is that which keeps me strong and fighting for the good of my children. I should have taken a stand a long, long while ago. But, now I can.

Now I am.

Have I forgiven my husband? Yes, I have. I say this with all honesty.

As new things crop up, I must first work through the shock... then I move through depression and hopelessness, and anger... and finally, I can release it. Sometimes this process moves quickly - within minutes of an incident -- other times days. Sometimes it takes more strength and grace from God than at other times...

But I do forgive. And I have forgiven.

It helps when you are not WITH the abuser to do this.

But anger.

I am angry. And, I am not sinning.

Anger is a God-given emotion and it is what you choose to DO with that anger that counts.

I love the Lord. I know He is in control. But what my husband has done to the children (and myself) is atrocious and I would be very wrong to smile at it or feel sweet and breezy.

What my husband has done is an injustice toward GOD.

You may choose to agree, you may choose to disagree. That is up to you. But unless your husband has caused you to endure situations you should NEVER have had to endure... and unless you've had your children touched by domestic violence and pain and agony that should never have touched them... You could never possibly understand.

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Sunday, August 3, 2008 - Untitled Comment

gabbie427
Said:

Carrie, you have every right to be angry, for being wronged, hurt, lied to,etc. And yes I believe as you, that there is a righteous anger! That anger that build up inside of you knowing that this is WRONG!!!! This is not what God would have wanted!!!!

I know from reading your emails, that you are not letting that anger fester and become a monster though, lashing out in anger towards your husband. You are standing up for yourself in anger that these things happened, and that is perfectly ok!!!

I am so glad you and the kids got some sun today and were able to relax a little. It is rather creepy of him to sit there and watch the house though like that. I supposed from his point of view, he is the one being hurt, by you keeping all the children from him. From his point of view, you left and took the kids with you and now are not letting him have contact, even by phone! And in some ways I can see his side, but in all ways I can certainly see yours!!!

The worker is right dear, no judge in their right might would rule on this knowing there was an open case with child protective services!!!

I will be praying, as I have been every other day before this one, since I found out the situation! I am also praying for your husband and his family though. I think they need it, and I think they all need their hearts open as to what the kids are going through when he stalks the house you and the children are in.

God's Blessings,
Amy Jo