Wednesday, January 20, 2010
How Strong-Willed Are You?

I'm Not a Nag ... Am I?

Sabrina Beasley

I'll never forget the first time my husband, David, accused me of being a nag. To hear that word come out of his mouth was upsetting, even disturbing. In my newlywed mind, I thought I would never end up like that ... and so soon after our wedding, too!

I don't want to nag; I really don't—sometimes I even get on my own nerves. But there are times when I feel if I don't continually remind David about washing the car or finishing the cabinets, the job just won't get done.

It seems I'm not alone. I polled several married friends to find out why they nag. Here are some of their answers:

• "When I decide something needs to be done, I have a hard time waiting for it to be completed."
• "I get frustrated that things aren't getting done when and how I want them."
• "I nag my husband when I am not confident that he will follow through on something I've asked him to do."
• "I nag when my husband isn't meeting or validating my needs."

Each one of these women basically said the same thing: "I have a need, and it's not being met when and how I want it to be."

For a long time, I couldn't figure out why my husband didn't understand this. I thought of nagging as "reminders" or "motivation." But when I asked David for his explanation, he agreed with the more descriptive definition in Merriam-Webster's dictionary: "To find fault incessantly."

Ouch. That's not the kind of wife I want to be. I want to be loving, kind, patient, supportive; not someone who complains all the time.

It's no wonder the book of Proverbs scorns nagging wives with words like, "The contentions of a wife are a constant dripping" (19:13b), and "It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman" (21:9). That last image is a powerful reminder to my friend Alicia who said, "When I feel the urge to 'lovingly remind' my husband of what he should be doing, the Holy Spirit shows me a picture of him on the right corner of our roof, in the rain, with his knees drawn up to his chin ... not a pretty picture!"

Indeed. I certainly don't want David to feel that way. Home should be a warm and loving place, and when my husband gets home from work, I want him to look forward to being there, not despise it.

Four Ways to Be Nag Free

Believe it or not, there is a way we wives can have our needs met and still be nag free. At first, it's difficult to embrace this shift in thinking, but with some practice, I think you'll find that these suggestions will make life easier for the whole family.

1. Let go of control. At times I feel the sole responsibility of life has fallen on my shoulders, and it's my job to make sure everything gets done. It seems if I don't nag, my family won't do their jobs, and everything will fall to pieces. Ever feel that way?

As I probed to find my need for nagging, I discovered that it came down to one powerful factor—fear of losing control. Angie Peters, author of several women's Bible studies and the book Celebrate Home, confirms that feeling in her own life:

My nagging can probably be traced back to times when I don't trust my husband and/or a constant need to be "in control." I'm not confident that he will follow through on something I've asked him to do because he's forgotten before.

When I think about it, it's sad how quickly I forget the million and one things he always remembers to do without my reminders, my thanks, or even my recognition—but I still let the fear that he won't follow through cause me to keep harping at him.Nagging is fueled by fear, and we're afraid that things are not going to get done when and how we want them to be. For example, if guests are coming over on Sunday, I want the lawn to be mowed before they come. If the lawn isn't mowed on Friday, I start nagging. If it's not done on Saturday, I go into panic-nagging, hoping there's still time.

I gave this scenario to my husband, explaining, "I'm afraid the lawn might not get mowed in time."

To which he replied, "So what? It's not the end of the world!"

Good point. Many of us wives need to learn to let go of some things. So the floor is dirty? So the grass is long? So a light bulb is burned out? Life goes on. Not everything has to be the way you want it, when you want it. I'm ashamed to think how many fights I might have avoided by letting go of little things.

2. Talk to your husband about your needs. There are times when things can't be overlooked, when wives really do need husbands to do something important, like pay the bills on time or make sure the kids aren't late for school—things that have real consequences.

There are also times when we want our husbands to do something extremely important to us personally. Karon explains, "When my husband doesn't place the same importance on something that is important to me, it makes me feel second-string to the other things that he's doing, instead."

These needs are legitimate, but your husband can't read your mind—men generally think differently than women. At these times, you need to tell him what's important to you and how his actions (or lack thereof) make you feel. Find a time that's convenient for you both, and then discuss your needs. Try not to fuss or fight, but rather, come to a compromise to resolve the issues.

It's also important to remember that husbands do forget things—they are only human, just like you. When they fail to fulfill your expectations, they aren't always disregarding your needs or feelings. Bobbie Thornton of St. Mary's, Ga., recently had this revelation:

When my husband says, "I forgot" or "I was busy," I usually say, "No, you didn't remember because you didn't care." I assume I know his true intentions, and I won't even let him talk. I frequently put words in his mouth, and that makes him feel his opinions aren't important. Your spouse is not your enemy; he's your partner, your comrade, your friend. If you can learn to tackle issues as a team, not opponents, you will begin to see a change in the way you interact, and there will be less of a need for nagging.

3. Change your attitude. Nagging is defined not only by what you say, but how you say it—eyes rolling, voice whining, fingers pointing, etc. No one likes a "tongue lashing," and most husbands deal with it by tuning you out, which causes even more nagging.

I like the advice that Allison Wessels of Fayetteville, Ga., passed down to me from a pastor's wife: "Don't point out your husband's failures. Believe me, he already knows!" What your husband needs from you are reminders of where he has succeeded, not where he has failed. It's important for a husband to know that his wife is proud of him and respects him. As Allison says, "Scripture tells us that wives are to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33), and nagging shows a lack of respect."

The key in successful communication is to request things in a way that is kind and non-accusatory. You can accomplish a lot more with a sweet attitude than a sour one. If you really want to get through to your family members, remember, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1).

4. Do things yourself. I'm amazed at how lazy I've been in some areas since marriage. When I was single, I changed light bulbs, raked the yard, and even painted the outside of my house. Now, I expect my husband to do all those things and more. It's not that I'm incapable, just unwilling.

Not only do I expect him to do these "manly" chores, but I also expect him to live in our house my way:

• I like the kitty litter to be changed once a week; he could leave it for two.
• I like to fix broken things right away; he likes to put it off for a while until he finds the time and energy to do it.
• I like the dishes rinsed out after meals; he likes to leave the food on the dishes in the sink until they are placed in the dishwasher.

Just because David's standards are different from mine, that doesn't mean they are wrong. I realize that if it's important for me to do things a certain way, then I should do them myself.

I'm not suggesting that wives be independent from their husbands, or silently hold bitterness while we do their chores. But I am suggesting that doing things ourselves can keep us from being too demanding and expecting to be served all the time.

There are times when we legitimately need our husbands' help, but there are also times when we don't. The next time you find yourself wishing your husband would get something done, ask yourself if it's something that you can do to serve him, instead. As Galatians 5:13b-14 says, " ... Through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Gauging Your Nag-o-Meter

These changes in the way you interact with your spouse may improve your marriage dramatically. If you've been a nagger for a while, it may take some time to get used to this new way of thinking. There will be days of triumph and days of failure.

As you go through this transition, remember that God gives grace to the humble (James 4:6b). Keep leaning on Him for strength—pray, read the Bible, talk to other wives who can keep you accountable. As your family sees your efforts to be nag free, they will be gracious to you, too.

Blessings!.· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .·´ -:¦:-Miki
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*


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Sunday, January 10, 2010
Human Recall Notice

Posted in At Church

 

Below is part of our preacher's sermon for today. Thought I would share it with you!

___________________________________________

 

 

 

Human Recall Notice

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * Recall Notice * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed, "Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality," or more commonly known as SIN, as it is primarily expressed. Some other symptoms:

• Loss of direction
• Foul vocal emissions
• Amnesia of origin
• Lack of peace and joy
• Selfish, or violent behavior
• Depression or confusion in the mental component
• Fearfulness
• Idolatry
• Rebellion

The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.

There is no additional fee required.

The toll free number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, the Jesus will replace it with:

• Love
• Joy
• Peace
• Patience
• Kindness
• Goodness
• Faithfulness
• Gentleness
• Self-control

Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician, the Holy Spirit.

Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up permanent residence on the premises!

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.

For free emergency service, call on JESUS.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Thank you for your attention.

-God

 

 

Blessings!.· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .·´ -:¦:-Miki
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*


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Saturday, December 12, 2009
Country living is hard!

Posted in In Our Home

 

At least compared to city living & living in a place for almost 10 yrs, it is!

We are finally moved in. Slowly & stressfully getting things remodeled, unpacked & back in order. I've had a few meltdowns so far. I am all for order & cleanliness which this house has neither. I don't think that the previous owners ever cleaned! So we bought the dirt & all! Didn't know that filth cost so much!

It seems to take me twice as long to do the same things I did at my old house. I still have boxes that need unpacked. Wednesday I had a meltdown & got angry which gave me a boost of energy. During that boost of energy I hauled all the unpacked boxes upstairs to my sewing room & shut the door. That's one way to get orderly in a hurry. When I need the things that are still packed then I will slowly bring them back out but trying to do everything at once is just too much.

We had plans on hosting our very first Christmas party for my side of the family on Dec. 19th but I soon realized that I was WAY in over my head with that idea. There was no way this house was going to be up to my standards to host a party this soon. So my sister graciously took on the hosting of the party.

This house is cold. We have a gas fireplace on one end of the house & a woodburning stove on the other end along with propane heat. I have come to the conclusion that a woodburner is a pain. I can start a great fire with newspaper but as soon as I put on the logs it goes out. Guess I will work on perfecting my talent of turning up the thermostat. ~Smile~  The front door is VERY drafty! I hung a quilt over the entrance of the front door to try & keep out some of the cold. The quilt sways with the wind that's coming through the door! Time for a new door!  We have no curtains up as of yet.  The sellers left the curtains up so I took them down & washed them.  I also took down the wooden shelves & rods that were hanging on the windows so that I could repaint them in a new color.  Well I've been so busy & it's been so cold (in the teens during some days!) that I haven't gotten them painted yet.  So we have hillbilly curtains right now....blankets. lol Hey, they keep out the cold!

Today we are going to work on the house all day.  Sand down the girl's walls & get them painted...finally.

I give props to all you women who live in the country. City living is alot easier! ~Smile~

Thanks for visiting!

 

Blessings!.· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .·´ -:¦:-Miki
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*


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