Forget-Me-Nots Along The Way

Resurfacing

It has been a long hard journey the last few months, traveling through a thick fog of grief.  The depression that accompanies grief is so difficult to conquer because there is no way to remedy that ache this side of Heaven.  Praise God I know that I will see Laura again in Heaven.  And praise God that through this experience my son asked Jesus to come into his heart and his new faith is growing.  He is only five but he really does understand what he is learning.  I guess it is true what Jesus said about having the faith of a little child.

I don't have a lot of time to blog.  I do maintain a blog at www.tjknits.blogspot.com which is for my knitting and pictures and family information.  Please feel free to visit me there.  The link is also at the right where it says "my knitting blog".  I will mainly blog there, but when I want to share my heart, I will come here.

So tonight I will sign off and maybe visit some old friends' blogs and get reacquainted!

My Thirty Things

Two of my friends from church have been posting on their blogs thirty things to be thankful for in November. I liked the idea...reminded me of things my Grandma used to have us do as kids for Thanksgiving Day. My list is probably a bit on the serious side. But it has been a rough year and that tends to make one more contemplative! There really are lots of things to be thankful for!

30. The birds eating outside my window this fall, putting on their own little show!

Attributes of God, Part Two

Today's entry may be rambling.  I have had many life events that have made me think about this attribute of God more than some others.  In my mind the writing all connects and make sense, but I don't know if it will have flow when written out and others read.  These are just the thoughts in my mind and heart.

God is omnipotent; He possesses all power.  He can accomplish anything He has decided to do with or without outside help.

"Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son." Gen 18:14 NIV

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."  Job 42:2 NIV

"Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" Matt 19:26 NIV

"I am the Lord, the God of all mankind.  Is there anything too hard for me?" Jer 32:27

Why do I have fear if God possesses all power, can accomplish anything He plans and nothing is impossible for Him?  I think I have always understood the omnipotence of God. What I don't understand and perhaps is the source of my fear, is why God sometimes does not act in His power.  Why did he not save my 5 year old brother from dying?  Why do Christians suffer horrible evils?  The list goes on.  I mean no disrespect toward God, but I think we all have some of these questions.

If I were only to focus on the omnipotence of God outside of His other attributes, I think I would become bitter.  I might even hate God.  When I consider God's moral attributes and that He is immutable, I can see that even when I cannot understand how He uses or chooses not to use His power, He is doing so out of holiness, righteousness, justice, mercy, longsuffering, wisdom, love, goodness, truthfulness, faithfulness and sometimes wrath and jealousy.

An all powerful God makes more sense to me.  Who would want a God who made promises He could not keep? I had an alcoholic father.  Fortunately before his early death, He came to know Christ as His Savior and God blessed us with much healing.  I had forgiven my Daddy, but my memories still hold painful moments - waiting for promises to be fulfilled.  Daddy loved me.  I never doubted that.  But because of his life choices (sin), he was not able to be the person he wanted to be, the Dad I needed or to even remember the promises he made to me!

As an early believer I sometimes translated this to my Heavenly Father - I knew Abba loved me, but could He carry through?  Did He have the power to fulfill His promises and actively be involved in my life?  Hallelujah!  That answer is "yes"!  Trust is an ongoing journey for me, but knowing God is powerful and that nothing is impossible for Him encourages me to travel onward, drawing closer to Him.  Do I still wish He used His power to save loved ones lives? Yes! The difference now is that I trust that when He doesn't, there is a reason.

There are a few verses I think of when I think of God's power working in my life:

"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6 NIV The footnote in the NIV Study Bible says, "it is God who initiates salvation, who continues it and who will one day bring it to its consummation."  Isn't it wonderful to know that God is not going to drop the ball with us?  He has the power to complete us and accomplish good works in and through us!

In Ephesians 1:19, 20b, Paul is talking about his prayers for the believers to know "his incomparably great power for us who believe.  That power is like the working of His mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead." NIV  WOW! That is power!  Power that raised Christ from the dead.

Naturally when I think about not understanding why God doesn't use His power I think of Romans 8:28-29.  God does work out all things together for good.  No, the tragedies of life are never good.  If Jesus wept when Lazarus died, then Father God must also weep for us when our hearts are breaking.  Maybe He has chosen, for some reason we can't understand, not to use His power to stop some of the painful things, but He can use those painful experiences to draw us close to Him.  No I don't think God killed my little brother as a relationship ploy, but I do see how my life has been changed by that experience.  It pulled the rug out from under my feet and even though I was only 7 following his death, I somehow knew that God was the only One who could make sense of all of this.  And in the 33 years since that tragedy, God has developed a deep sense of compassion in my heart for those who experience unexpected loss.  I feel it helps me pray for them with at least a small sense of understanding that I might not have had otherwise.

Many of us can testify that the hard things in life that the Enemy may intend to harm us or draw us away from God, will actually draw us closer if we acknowledge WHO God is!  If we understand that He is omniscient (all knowing) as well as omnipotent (all powerful) then we should trust Him to use His power in appropriate ways.  The flipside of that is that there must also be a reason why He does not use His power to stop tragedy.  I can not claim to understand this.  Certainly even recently I have hoped and prayed that God would prevent our friend Laura from dying of cancer.  He chose not to.  I have to believe that there must be a reason.  Maybe we will know in time.  Maybe we will not.  Perhaps sometimes we want to know too much.  Maybe there are times we need to "be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10.  At any rate I cannot conclude that God uses His power in a random or cruel manner.  If He did it would go against His other character attributes.

In my life now, I realize that I need to continually submit to God's power.  I need to trust and believe that He is powerful enough to accomplish His plan in my life.  I must believe that His power is Holy, Right and Just even if I cannot understand. 

Thank You Lord that Your power is awesome, pure and complete.  Thank You that Your power rose Jesus from the grave and brought victory over death so that I might spend eternity in Heaven with You!  Help me to understand more of You as I read and study Your Word, which itself is full of POWER, a living and active, double edged sword.  Thank You that You have not given us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline.  Thank You that Your power is made perfect in my weakness! Amen.

Attributes of God, Part One

For many years I have been doing inductive Bible studies from Kay Arthur and Precept Ministries.  I am currently starting the 3rd of 4 on Romans.  It's hard starting back up this year without my friend Laura.  But I guess now that she is with the Lord...she probably has the answers to all the questions!  I still miss her though!

Before delving into chapters 9,10,11, we are studying the attributes of God.  One of the challenges is to journal about how they effect you or how you might grow in your faith or do things differently if I apply the truths of his attributes to my life.  I thought I would like to share my journaling here.  This is mostly for myself.  I'm no great theologian.  Just a simple woman who loves the Lord and enjoys writing.  I welcome sincere comments and suggestions, just please no attacks!  Thank you.

God is omniscient, which means that He knows all. 

Job 37:16 says, "Do you know how the clouds hang poised, those wonders of Him who is perfect in knowledge?" NIV

"O Lord, you have searched me and know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down, you are familiar with all my ways.  Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely, O Lord.  You hem me in behind and before; you have laid your hand on me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain."  Psalm 139:1-6

To me it is comforting to know that God knows everything.  Knowledge makes me feel safe; if I can understand things I can think more clearly and make better decisions.  I also have less anxiety about the outcome.  I can't know everything.  That is somehow comforting too.  If I knew everything I would be horrified, hurt and definitely overwhelmed.  Knowing everything would carry burden and responsibility.  I am not equipped to handle that!

I could apply the understanding of this attribute more effectively in my life.  Too often I catch myself trying to handle everything, then only when I fail, I go to God.  Psalm 139 says that God searches me, knows me and understands me.  Isn't that what most of us want in life, is to be understood?  To be known? What an awesome God to love me enough to take that time amongst the billions and billions of people, to know me.  If He knows me this well, then I need to TRUST Him.  If He knows everything, including my thoughts, feelings and actions, then He should be trusted to make the best decisions for me!

He is perfect in knowledge.  He knows my thoughts.  This brings comfort, but also conviction.  Am I having thoughts that I should not have or that I would not tell Him to His face?  Maybe I should be more aware of my thought life! Where can we go to hide from God?  Nowhere!  And His love, grace and mercy are so rich that I no longer have a desire to hide from Him.  Instead I want Him to purify my heart to be worthy to be in His presence.  I want to learn more and grow.  I want to quit being a mediocre example of His love and light in the world and shine! 

Please forgive me Lord for walking in my own pride.  Help me to walk humbly before You; help me not to shame You, but to glorify You in all my ways. Thank you Lord that You do know everything!  Thank You that I can rest assured that You know all the big and little things that matter to me, that hurt me, that bring me joy and all the things I need to change or let go and all the new things I need to try.  Thank You for knowing me!  Amen!

The Real Deal

Saturday was the service for my dear friend Laura.  I was hoping that when I got there, the tears would dry up, but they flowed even more.  There were at least 400 people in the service, so I sat with people I did not know and quietly cried, trying not to be embarrassed and realizing that God sometimes heals in our tears.  The memorial was lovely.  They did a nice job of representing all the different aspects of Laura's life...children, church, Girl Scouts, Red Hat Society and Square/Round Dancing.  There are some pictures and a little description at my knitting blog which is the first link in my links section to the right.  I haven't figured out how to post photos here yet.  I mean, I know how to post them, but I don't think there is a lot of storage space so I haven't been putting them directly here.

Anyway, people from those different aspects of her life spoke.  The pastor spoke briefly and we had a congregational hymn.  It was "It Is Well With My Soul."  I have always loved this hymn because it is gutsy and real and it does express that no matter what it feels like right now, I know You are God and I know You are just and I may not understand this but You are still You.  It is the attitude I know Laura would have wanted us to take.  There was much laughing.  Laughing really is a good thing in grieving. It does the heart good.  Laura's life was so filled with joy and humor, the anecdotes about her life were so fun to hear.

There was a slide show of Laura's life and someone sang "Thank You" by Ray Boltz.  It is so perfect for her:

I dreamed I went to heaven
And you were there with me;
We walked upon the streets of gold
Beside the crystal sea.
We heard the angels singing
Then someone called your name.
We turned and saw a young man running
And he was smiling as he came.

And he said, "Friend you may not know me now."
And then he said, "But wait,

You used to teach my Sunday School
When I was only eight.

And every week you would say a prayer
Before the class would start.
And one day when you said that prayer,
I asked Jesus in my heart."

Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am so glad you gave.

Then another man stood before you
And said, "Remember the time
A missionary came to your church
And his pictures made you cry.
You didn't have much money,
But you gave it anyway.
Jesus took the gift you gave
And that's why I'm here today."

Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am so glad you gave.

One by one they came
Far as the eye could see.
Each life somehow touched
By your generosity.
Little things that you had done,
Sacrifices made,
Unnoticed on the earth
In heaven, now proclaimed.

And I know up in heaven
You're not supposed to cry
But I am almost sure
There were tears in your eyes.
As Jesus took your hand
And you stood before the Lord.
He said, "My child, look around you.
Great is your reward."

Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am so glad you gave.
Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am so glad you gave.

Overall it was a lovely service and I did get to hug Laura's daughter, who unfortunately I met the first time yesterday.  It was a nice connection and I saw her Mother in her face and I saw strength there and I knew she will be okay.  I have been praying for her, probably because I can relate as a woman and as a woman who has lost a parent.  Even as adults, we are not ready to lose a Mom or Dad! 

But, what I wanted to share with you most of all, was what Laura's husband shared. Laura is teaching me even after death.

Mitchell said that Laura had two suitors in college who were interested in marrying her.  She made a pro and con list for each of them.  Nothing unusual about this, but then referring to her choice, he went on to say, "I was the winner and she made me feel like a winner every day for 35 years."  He ended by saying that he had prayed every day for God to help him love Laura more, "so be careful what you pray for because you get it, and now I have a big hole in my heart."

I was so moved by this.  Laura did not talk about all the things she did to be a Godly wife, she just did it.  Just like everything else.  I told my husband I thought that was probably why she was so effective in making people feel loved and ministered to.  She didn't set out to "do a ministry", she saw needs and quietly and unassumedly met them.  She didn't write a blog about how she was going to be the perfect wife, she didn't tell other people what to do, she just read her Bible, believed what God said and did it.  Now, in case you are thinking I am just glorifying Laura and making her to be a "saint" because she is not here, let me assure you I am not.  Laura was plain, simple, often naive and truly what you saw was what you got.  But her heart was molded by God.  The pastor spoke after her husband and said, "Because she followed God's model for marriage and loved and respected you, that has made you the man you are today."

WOW!  Simple, but powerful.  One of the reasons I have this blog is that I want to be a more Godly woman, wife, mother and I want to learn how to do things the "right way".  The message to me was loud and clear..."Theresa do you make Tim feel like a winner every day?"  NO! I have been looking and reading and searching for ways to do what is right and I have overlooked some very simple things...stepping out in faith, asking God to teach, guide and sustain me.  In other words, borrowed from Nike, "just do it!"  Will it matter if I read all the right books, studied my Bible and wrote a blog about it, if I don't walk in that reality every day?  No, I don't think it will.  I never expected to go to a memorial service and walk out so convicted and with a new direction in my life.

My marriage goals now are 1) to pray that God will help me love Tim more and more each day and 2) that my actions will be filled with love and respect so that I make him feel like a winner every day.  Oooh...I can hear some of my independent, spirited friends cringing as they read this. The reality is that this is what God told us to do!  My goal is to have a strong relationship with my husband in which we follow God's will for our lives. It's time to lay aside the encumberances, as the writer of Hebrews would say, and run the race without worrying about what other people think of what I write or feel or do or say.

And please don't get me wrong.  I am not putting down those who "set out to do a ministry".  But I do think that when ministry flows out of our pure hearts that are seeking God it is more effective than when we build it ourselves.  I think being capable, organized and able to administer is a gift from God. Any gift can have negative side effects when we do things from our own efforts.  So I hope you see I am not trying to put down other people or give anyone in particular a lecture, other than myself.  I get very excited when God shows me something new; He gives me those lightbulb moments.  They may be obvious to someone else, but my eyes are newly opened.

Isn't it good to know that God is still teaching us? I am not going to be hard on myself.  I think that is a form of selfishness too (and I have been meditating about areas of selfishness in my life and praying about being less selfish).  I am just going to start living.  Laura has been a beautiful Titus 2 woman of God in my life.  Now it is time to follow her example, which I believe is a gift from God in my life.

I sure miss her! Our Romans Precept Bible study starts again this Thursday.  It won't be quite the same without her.  But I do rejoice that she has overcome in Christ Jesus and that she is free of pain and suffering. I love you Laura!  Thanks for everything!

Prayer Request

Hello ladies...if you happen on to my blog, will you please pray for my dear husband Tim?  He has been sick for a month and lost about 25#.  We were gone most of that time so he is just now getting in to the doctor.  It seems he has some type of hyperthyroidism.  We are waiting on the tests to find out.  He is not feeling well at all, weak, trembling, fatigued, restless and unable to sleep well.  I am hoping we will find out results soon so that he can get treatment. The medicine that the doctor will try, a beta blocker, can work quickly with some people getting relief after the first dose.  Of course it would be wonderful if the Lord chose to heal him as well.

Last time I wrote about my depression.  I called it "re-entry blues".  It seems now to be related to the pain level with my migraine.  I have "chronic severe migraine" and I have various migraine symptoms (syndrome like), sometimes without the headaches.  My neurologist has me using natural remedies...fever few and riboflavin...with pretty good success.  We have noticed a pattern where I wake rested and feel happy but as the day goes on I have increased pain and a coinciding amount of depression.  By the end of the day it is usually worse and it is so strange because I really don't feel depressed at all in my self.  But my body does.  I know it sounds crazy but that is the only way I can explain it.  During these times I have to encourage myself by knowing what my past experiences have proven and not allowing the enemy to wheedle in during my low times to kick me while I am down. I am not writing this to whine or feel sorry for myself.  It helps me to get it out and just maybe it might encourage one of you that you are not alone in this.

I have to share how incredible God is though, in the midst of this...I'm reminded of the Casting Crowns song Praise You In The Storm.  When my hubby came home and the kids were down for a nap, I layed hands on him and prayed for him.  We totally surrendered his life and health to God.  Then His sweet presence was everywhere and even though I am still very concerned about my hubby, I have peace and I feel hope. It was like the Holy Spirit gave me a hug from the inside out! I also felt the depression break away some or at least my true feelings were able to push through what my body is experiencing. I know we don't base our faith on feelings, but I do know that feelings can be part of our faith.  By that I mean that sometimes the joy overflows and bubbles out and you cannot help but feel good.  Many times I find that the Lord does this for me when I am struggling or I am very concerned about someone I love, like now with my hubby.

This evening I made an apple pie from some of the Gravenstine apples we got from Apple Hill.  I haven't tasted it yet but it sure smells good.  I need to make applesauce, but it is supposed to be 100* tomorrow so I might wait a few days.  I am already committed to roasting a turkey (it's thawed!) so I am going to get up early in the morning and do that.  Our money is tight this month because we get paid ten months out of the year (dh is a schoolteacher) and we like turkey and turkey leftovers so we decided that it would be a good use of $ this month.  I should have just set the timer and put it in the oven at 2 AM! LOL

Well, I am beginning to ramble.  Hopefully I will be back to normal blog posting soon! :o)

Re-entry Blues

I have a tendency to have times of depression, usually just before my monthly or right before a major migraine attack.  But we have noticed that whenever we are gone, even for a couple days and then come back, I am overwhelmed with depression.  It isn't that I don't want to come home (although I rarely ever want to come home when I've been to the ocean!), it doesn't even seem to be anything I have conscious control of.  This time as we were driving home, I told dh that I was actually excited to get home because it seemed like "the beginning of the end".  By that I mean that, we have a goal to pray about and work towards moving to Spokane, a dream to follow and there are things that I can do beginning now, at our home, even if we can't actually move for one to two years.  However, after I had been inside the house for about a half hour, I felt like crying.  I know as people read this they are going to think that I just don't want to be home.  But even my dh, who is not given to emotional ideas and silly whims and who is very well acquainted with my intermittent depression, agrees that possibly this is something spiritually oppressive.  Those of you who know my neighborhood, might not be surprised to hear me say this!  It seems like every time I enter into some spiritual growth period, the enemy is trying to knock me down at the knees.  Fortunately I have learned much from David in the Psalms.  David also knew depression, sorrow and grief and was not afraid to express it.  So today I am expressing it here.  This is my statement to the enemy that Jesus Christ is the Victor and I am a victorious overcomer in Him! If you feel led, please pray for me in this.

Today we went to Apple Hill near Placerville, CA.  I was able to get Gravenstine apples for sauce and some for pie, as well as some other fresh fruit and veggies.  After being on the road for a month and having too much restaurant food, I am craving fresh, live food.  I am trying to get my family to eat more healthily as well, although sometimes that is an uphill battle.

Since coming home I have had increased problems with my asthma, when we came back home from Placerville today we could see why.  The city is covered in a brown blanket!

Tomorrow I am looking forward to being back in our own church and going to our Romans Bible study.

While I was gone I did some knitting and I finally blocked a shawl I was knitting.  If you are interested in seeing it, you can click on the link at the right for my knitting blog. I will be trying to post more in the next couple days.

This Is The Day The Lord Has Made...

I will rejoice and be glad in it!

29 years ago today, I received Christ as my Savior!  Nothing has ever been the same since!  It hasn't always been easy but He has never left me or forsaken me, just as He promised.

I was 11 years 3 weeks old.  My Grandma Hopkins invited me to go to church family camp with her.  It was located in the little town of Rainier, Washington on the Deschutes River.  I knew noone but my Grandma when I arrived, but I did make friends with a red haired girl from California named Debbie.  I had fun making leather crafts, playing in the water and I really loved the singing.  The theme song that year was the chorus "This is the Day the Lord Hath Made".  We sang it every morning.  I think I had always believed in God, I loved Him, I knew that my little brother had gone to be with Him, I think I knew more than I realized, but I didn't know I needed to ask Him into my heart.

One day while Brother J.V. Foster from Texas was preaching, I felt the "burning in my heart".  This church of my Grandma's had some beliefs which I now disagree with, however, that day Brother Foster preached the Truth and I heard it.  For the first time I knew that I had to accept Christ as my Savior, that I had to tell Him that I believed that He died on a cross to set me free, that He rose again that I might live forever in new life with Him.  I had no choice.  Really.  I did not.  The burning in my heart was so strong that there was no other option and immediately after accepting Christ I knew I MUST be baptised. (I do not believe baptism is a requirement for salvation, however this is what God told me to do right then and there)  This urging, which I believe came from the Holy Spirit, was so strong that I knew I must be baptised even if my family could not be with me.  So that night I was baptised and a young woman from my Grandma's church, Kenda Weber, was my sponsor. (I also wonder what happened to her!)  I was a little nervous.  I had never seen a baptism before, had rarely even been in church.  I was a little concerned that the pastor would hold me under the water and I couldn't breathe...remember I was only 11! I wore a navy blue plaid dress.  It was about 10 PM.  Brother J.V. did not hold me under the water! When I came out I should have been cold, but I was so warm.  I felt God's presence all over me.  I was so filled with JOY.  I know that was the Holy Spirit who had come to comfort and guide me.  I felt like I floated on air.  The only other thing I remember from that night is that after the baptism we had popcorn...again remember I was 11...and it was in the HUGEST stainless steel bowls I had ever seen.  They looked about 3 feet across!

Later that week there was a talent show at camp and I played Amazing Grace on my flute.  I cry every time I hear that song, tears of joy and remembering my special day.  It was the most wonderful day of my life.  My wedding day comes in 2nd, not because I don't love my awesome hubby but because my life with Christ has been so awesome!  Now as an adult, I know my Grandma must have been bursting at the seams to know that I accepted Christ as my Savior.  But then again, knowing my Grandma, she had the most hope and confident faith I have ever seen in anyone.  She probably never believed there was any other option for me.  Still I know she must have rejoiced and actually prayed for me to come to that point in my life.  She knew the importance of walking with God, loving His Word and loving others through Him.  Such a wonderful legacy she has left for me.

Now I must pray in hope and confidence that Jesus will also draw my three precious children unto Him.  The alternative is unspeakable!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.  Praise Him all creatures here below.  Praise Him above ye Heavenly Hosts.  Praise Father Son and Holy Ghost!   Amen!  Thank You Jesus for EVERYTHING!!!

Friday's Feast

I have a lot on my heart and mind to share but I am also trying to get our home organized to leave on vacation.  And lots of little things keep getting in the way and some migraine issues which is nothing new!  This afternoon I went out to ask the neighbor a question and ended up talking for about 2 hours about Christ.  God just opened up the door to ask him where he stood.  His brother studies the Bible and he works at a Christian radio station but he does not live like a Christian.  It was a very interesting talk and afterwards I prayed that God would use my words that reflected His truth and that if I mis-spoke that God would not let that interfere with the work He is doing in this man's life.  When we got done talking and went inside and felt all trembly, a little scared, a little excited.  I know it was a "divine appointment" that God set up.  At the same time I am always scared to witness.  I have been asking God to help me be bolder in this area of my Christian walk. It's hard to step back and say to yourself, "I don't care what these people think about me!"  I know I am not the only Christian to struggle with this.  And yet I think God calls us to do this, to be humble before Him, to set our self aside and serve obediently.  I hope I can be more faithful in this area.  Well, until I can have more time to write, I thought I would just answer the Friday's Feast for today:

Appetizer
Name one thing nice that you could do for someone else today.

Encourage them.

Soup
When was the last time you were frightened by the weather?

A few years back we were driving south on I-5 just over the CA border where there are sharp twists and turns...the kind that if you miss you plummet over the edge.  It's all going down hill and there was torrential rain, so hard I could barely see the road and there was no place to pull over. I have to say that I have been very blessed in that I have not really been in bad, scary storms like hurricanes or blizzards or tornadoes!

Salad
What would you say is the most useful website or blog that you visit?
Hmmm...Maybe www.crosswalk.com where I go to use the Bible Study tools when doing my Precept studies.  They have online concordances, commentaries and dictionaries.  I could answer this in different ways because there are so many great sites out there for different things.  Probably I should have said www.google.com because I love to research!

God Is Not Dead!

While ironing clothes in preparation for church, my DS, 4.5, came to me and said, "Mommy, God is not dead!"  It took me a moment and then the melody ran through my mind..."God's not dead, He is alive!  God's not dead, He is alive! God's not dead, He is alive! He is alive in me!" Of course, that must be it because our children listen to Bible and nursery songs as they are falling to sleep.  So, I asked him, "How do you know?" and he replied, "Because it's in the song.  He is alive in us."  I asked him if he knew what that meant and of course he did not, but it did give me a teachable moment...thank you God!  I started to explain in simple terms about Jesus and the cross, how He died for us, but DS is a black and white thinker!  He interrupted me, "NO Mommy! God is NOT dead!" :o) Even though he doesn't have a lot of understanding of his own yet, I can see the faith that Jesus talked about in children.  He accepts that there is a God, that Jesus is God, that God made us, that He heals us and listens to our prayers. His faith is so simple and yet it is my heart's desire that this simple faith is a seed...an acorn that will grow into a mighty oak, that DS will be a man of faith.  It has been my greatest prayer for him since I carried him in my womb.  Dear Lord, please give me the wisdom and obedience to water this precious seed you have planted!

Do you know the joy of obedience?  Today was a day where I felt that joy. I walked into church this morning, obedient to God (story to follow) and I felt overwhelmed with joy.  During the worship singing which was a wonderful mix of chorus and hymns, I felt goose bumps.  I really felt the presence of God...I believe He is always there with us, but that we are sometimes more aware of Him than others. I thought maybe it was my own impression, but afterwards hubby said the same thing...and he is not given to feeling emotional about such things.

I have been making a lot of changes in my life.  I alluded to one of them in an earlier post.  God has convicted me and my husband about modest dressing, especially because of our little twin daughters who are 3.5 yo.  I wanted to approach this very carefully, prayerfully and I did a lot of reading and research both in my Bible and online regarding the issue of women's dress.  To be honest, I do not believe that all women must wear dresses, however I do believe all must be modest. 

In our case, we have been having increasing difficulty in finding modest clothing for our little girls...even much of the toddler clothing looks like streetwalker attire or at best for rock stars!  It's hard to find any dresses unless you want poofy and expensive party dresses and a lot of the pants are low riding just like the teenagers.  I do not want to emphasize my 3 yos body as being sensual!  Hubby and I talked and he really would like to see them start wearing dresses all the time.  We may have them wear appropriate pants when at the beach with a modest top or smock top, but will transition into wearing dresses all the time.  They love dresses at this point, so so far no problem. 

I know this will sound strange to many of my friends and family.  They will think we are going off the deep end or being legalistic.  Really, we are not...we just look around and see the yuck in the world around us and do not want to identify our family with that.  I think some people go overboard the other direction and that even can be sinful, an issue of pride or feeling more pious than others.  At any rate, I am not called to tell anyone else what to do, I am just sharing my heart in what God has been telling us.

To get on with the story...I felt that if we were asking our girls to dress this way, then I must be an example.  They should be learning how to be a Godly woman from me.  How could I wear jeans every day and expect them to wear dresses even for play?  So God convicted me to set a better example.  That's why I had the sewing bee earlier this week, and I have three more patterns coming...for dress, jumper and blouses.

So, today I wore one of my new skirts, the one hubby liked best and as we walked into church I could hardly contain my smile!  It's not that I am trying to pat myself on the back for a job well done.  I only want to share what joy there is in Jesus when we listen and obey and to encourage others who may be struggling with some issue that God is speaking to them about.  The change may be difficult, but if God is asking you to do it, He will bless your obedience.  What is the verse? Whether we eat or whether we drink, do it all to the glory of God...I think that verse applies here too.

Submission and God Working In My Heart

Here I am writing again, a second time today.  The Lord has just been working in my heart so much and so many ideas are running through my head.  It helps to write some things out.  It clears the cobwebs! I have been a Christian almost thirty years. I am NOT doubting my faith.  God is so incredible...I may not hit the mark all the time, but I do not question His sovereignty in my life.  I don't always understand it but I do believe.  I think this time in my life is more a time to examine and question my motives, my attitudes and fine tune my relationship with Him.  He's dug out some of the big, ugly stuff, but you know there is always a little something that needs cleaning out.

For me, I think it boils down to this...finding that fine line between legalism and holiness!  This is what He is working on in my life.

In light of this I have been visiting many issues...modest clothing (not that I dress immodestly from the world's standpoint, but we are also considering how to raise two beautiful daughters who get lots of attention because they are identical twins), a homesteading or rural lifestyle, homeschooling and overall God's roles for my family members.  I have been reading a lot on the Web. I know there is a lot of yuck out there, but boy there is a lot of good stuff too!  I would like to find a local Titus 2 ministry because it would be nice if I could talk face to face with some women who have been on the journey ahead of me. As a single woman, I had several beautiful single Christian women mentors, three of whom are now deceased.  In the meantime,  I have been reading books, magazines and sources I have available at home (we have a mini library!) and naturally I am checking everything against God's word.

I'm looking for a black and white answer sometimes where I don't think there always is one.  I am not talking about God's Truth and moral/ethical issues.  To me, those are black and white. I am talking about how I am finding that in some areas there is a wide array of acceptable behavior to God, but that it boils down to the heart attitude behind it.  I do not want to blindly and legalistically follow certain ideas.  Only Jesus can sanctify me. But my heart wants to be my best for God.  I know I may not get concrete answers to some of the questions in my heart. And maybe I am asking too many things. But if the questions are there, I feel I have a responsibility to seek the answers.

Humility.  I think that is another big key. If I am doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons...that would be pride.  Submitting myself to Him and His authority in my life and responding in love and humility...that is my goal. That is what I have been ruminating in my mind.  And then the Lord brought answers in an interesting book...

I have had this since it was published in 1990 and this is the first time I have read it...bad habit, collecting books!  

It is called Liberated Through Submission: The Ultimate Paradox, by P.B. Wilson and published by Harvest House. I see it is sold used through vendors at Amazon. I've only read the first three and a half chapters, but I have learned so much already that I wanted to write about it.  That helps me remember things better.

I began reading the book in an effort to understand better the role God planned for me as a wife.  But it is also helping me understand my role better as a person and as His child.  I am NOT a women's libber, but submission is a difficult idea for me.  My childhood was not horrible, but it was not easy either.  It has been a catalyst for a lot of negative things in my life, however, I don't feel that I can justify using it as a crutch either.  The reality is that circumstances left me with abandonment issues and trust issues. 

God will NOT abandon me!  Oh how I LOVE that aspect of Him!  I respect that about Him, that He is just, unchanging, that He is who He says He is!  Over the last thirty or so years, I am learning to even trust Him.  Most of the time I do.  But I still have problems trusting people. Sometimes that is healthy, protective.  Sometimes it is not.  In a marriage that is not healthy. Let me emphasize that my husband is trustworthy!  But he is also human.  I *fear* submission because I *fear* trusting another human being with my safety. I have come to realize that when my husband is not decisive, I step in to take action in order to "protect" myself. I believe that creates a vicious cycle...when I step in to take action, I cut off anything that my husband might have wanted to do, making it more difficult for him to be decisive. Please forgive me Lord! My husband and I are able to talk about this openly.  We both need healing!

Today, the Lord blessed me with beautiful truths! Bunny Wilson (the author) wrote that "Satan is a defeated enemy who...still tries to parade around as 'the real thing'. No matter how he tries to deceive, however, Jesus' power is available to us as we confront Satan in his masquerade!"  (p25) Wow, this may seem obvious and I realize this in other areas but in the area of submission this was a real light bulb moment for me!

Bunny goes on to discuss that submission is for everyone, not just wives, that it is part of the order of God's creation and part of how Christians should behave.  Ephesians 5:21, 1 Peter 5:5 Again, she writes, "So subtle is the propaganda, we don't even know how we reached the conclusion that submission applies to married women only." (p 34)  It's just like the enemy to trick us that way to try and break down our relationship with the Lord and with each other. Apparently she appeared on Oprah and explained there that from the outside we may give every appearance of being a "doormat" but "from the inside we will have the assurance that the God who intervened on behalf of Jesus is also handling our case."  Now remember I wrote that one of the things I love about God is His justice!  I think that my understanding and faith in His justice helps me understand submission a little more from this explanation.

I know when I am taking quotes from a book and presenting them in part it is hard to understand what I am trying to write, but she came down to what I felt was important...EVERYONE must submit to God!  (James 4:7) And she wrote that "Submission Plus Faith Equals Power." Submission without faith is slavery, but with faith it has power!  Light Bulb: God did not intend women to be weak and stupid...just look at the Proverbs 31 woman, she was not a doormat! Obviously I can't quote the whole book for many reasons, but the main point that I got out of this, is that no matter how the person who I submit to acts, I am submitting to God who is in charge of all the details and when I fear submitting, I am not trusting God! (And Romans 8:28-29 comes to mind) God is in the details!

It's not that I have marital problems.  It's not that there is anything real obvious that is against my husband's authority.  It has more to do with the Holy Spirit prompting, telling me that things are not exactly as God would have them...that I can have a great marriage in earthly terms or in Christ I can have an Awesome marriage!  So, this was a major lightbulb for me today and it does feel liberating...even *if* (and I'm not truly expecting it) my husband did fail to protect me, when I submit to him, I am submitting to the same God who will never leave or forsake me!  How beautiful is that? I am asking God to give me a heart that is cheerful and willing to submit, that I may please God and bless my husband and that I may serve them both in humility!

I know I must not be the only Christian wife to struggle with submission. If any of you have advice, I'm willing to listen.  Phew!  If you read this far, bless your heart!

Welcome To My New Blog

This month I turned 40.  It's not something that particularly scares me or that I worry about.  My Grandmother, Holly Mabel Tisdale Hopkins, was a very Godly woman and she had a good attitude about most of life.  She always said she was "80 years young" or however old she was.  She died when she was 95 7/12 year old.  You may hear me refer to her often on this blog because she has been a life mentor to me.  Shortly before she died, I attended a seminar on Biblical mentoring.  The speaker gave two definitions of a mentor. The first was that a mentor was someone who opened their life up as a resource to other people.  That certainly described my Grandmother to a T.  The second was "a person who shares with others how God makes a difference in your life and in so doing helps them reach their God given potential."  That also describes who she was to me.  She laid a foundation.  At her knee I learned of God, of living and creating, and through her influence and providence, I came to the place where I accepted Christ as my Savior in 1977.  My hope is that God can use me too in much the same ways. 

After a fulfilling career as a pediatric Certified Medical Assistant, I entered marriage later in life (32) and with chronic severe migraines.  I also have PCOS and I was not given a high probability of bearing children.  In the last 7.5 years my life has been a whirlwind.  Marriage has been sometimes difficult to adjust to, but has also given me a safety zone to explore myself, to work through difficulties from my childhood, to surrender to God and to my husband and to open up in vulnerability, knowing that I will still be loved. In 1988 I asked God to clean out my heart, to continue cleaning out everything, no matter how difficult, in order to draw me closer to Him and to make me WHOLE in Him.  Praise God that He is faithful.  He has been a perfect gentleman, moving me along at my own pace. 

Since marrying Tim, that pace has increased dramatically and I feel that it is probably because God needs to equip me for the tasks that He has put before me.  This may sound odd, but God confirmed this to me in a dream.  I have never had that happen before.  And in the past I must admit that I have probably looked oddly at people who have told me the same thing!  In my dream I was distressed because I was trying to process through all the things that God was healing in my self.  I was also feeling discouraged and overwhelmed because as a Mother of 3 young children I had very little contact with the outside world.  My life now is so unlike my pre-marriage days!  And my chronic pain and fatigue, which I have no control over and which God has chosen to allow to continue, often make me feel like a failure.  I just cannot do things that many other women, wives, moms can do.  So in my dream I was considering all these things and floundering in my emotions.  I went to Nancy to talk.  Nancy is my stepdad's cousin.  She is a beautiful woman who lost her earthly battle to ovarian cancer in September 2005.  *I want to make it perfectly clear that I do NOT mean to say that Nancy came back from the dead to speak to me or that I was speaking with a spirit or a ghost.  Nancy and I were very much alive in my dream.* Nancy was the kind of person who gave her whole attention to you and made you feel as if you were the only person in the room or the only person in your life.  It would be quite natural to go to her with these type of concerns.  She listened, she hugged and she directed you to the Lord.  And that is what she did.  In my dream she told me to "Complete the task that God has given you."  One line.  That's all she said.  For several months now I have been contemplating this. After praying I do really believe that God wanted me to hear this and whether or not it was the kind of dream the Bible talks about or not, I know God has and continue to use it in my life.

So why have I used all these words to write this to you in cyberspace?  And, how does this all connect?  Well, I have been praying and thinking about this and have come to a couple conclusions.  1.  God has called me to be a wife to Tim and a mother to D, J and A.  2. God has given me a desire to encourage other Christians to be right with Him and to walk in the faith and strength and life that is theirs in our beautiful Savior, Jesus Christ. 

In the journey to understand the task that God has given me, I have been reading a lot about Biblical womanhood, homeschooling and homekeeping. I come from a legalistic background so I have really prayed carefully about all of this.  God has been convicting me about a lot of things and now I am going to my husband and sharing with him.  I am praying for my husband that God will convict him to be the man of God that God has called him to be.  Not that there is anything wrong with my husband, just that he has never had a man in his life and is a fairly new Christian.  Our personalities are such that it is very easy at times for me to be overbearing and take charge.  I spent much of my growing up time with either a single Mom or ineffective male parents.  It taught me to take charge and take care of myself because you can't depend on other people.  I realize now that that is what the enemy would have me believe (I won't even give him credit by saying his name!) and that part of my task that God has given me is to learn how to be a Biblical submissive wife, the emphasis being on Biblical without any mention of the word "doormat"!  I cannot change who my husband is.  Only God can.  But it is important in his spiritual growth for me to learn to be the wife God gave him.  It is also important for me as a Mother to give a good example to my daughters and to my son.

My hope is that I can chronicle my journey here and learn from my own writings and from sharing with other women, as well as encourage others along the same path as I am.  We certainly are not going to learn this in the world.  I need to learn it from Him and the resources He gives us.  If you read this far...thank you!  I look forward to getting to know you here in my new cozy little homestead!