Here I am again. Laying my plans at God's feet, serving my children in sickness. I'm learning once again that God's plans are not my own.
This week was supposed to be the buckle down week, the week where all school assignments and chores get done after a slow start to our new year.
This week was supposed to be a week of celebrating 5 yo M's birthday, and enjoying warm weather while it lasts.
This week was supposed to include me writing a couple reviews and posting them early.
This week was supposed to allow me to read my library book.
This week was supposed to be the week where everyone recovered from the respiratory flu they caught last week.
This week was not supposed to be the week when 2 yo L AND 4 month old G both started wheezing.
This week was not supposed to include breathing treatments from a noisy nebulizer.
This week was not supposed to include sleeping on the loveseat, beside the humidifier, with a baby on my chest and a toddler on the couch ... listening to them cough and wondering how long we'd make it between breathing treatments. (The answer to that was exactly 4 hours for Baby G, and all night for 2 yo L.)
This week was not supposed to include going back to the Dr with at least two children.
I'm tired. I'm worried.
But sometimes God's plans are not my own. There are lessons to be learned in all things. I learn to love, to die to my self, to trust in Him when I care for my sick children and give up sleep for them. They learn God's love, His ever-present faithfulness when they see it in me and my care for them.
Please pray for them. Pray they recover quickly.
EDITED to add update: Baby G has congestion in one of his lungs, and is now on an antibiotic. But he threw up mucous and medicine right after his first dose. I'm hoping it was the tylenol I was trying to give him, and not the antibiotic I had just given him.
It's icy here. Freezing rain fell last night as Steve was driving home. He left extra early this morning so he could drive slowly on the icy roads. Most schools are closed or starting later.
This morning, his front tire blew out! He didn't spin. He didn't crash! He was able to simply pull over and change his tire (in the cold! brrr!).
I'm so thankful God protected Steve this morning. I pray he makes it home safely again tonight on that spare tire. We have tires here to put on his car. Not the best weather to work on a vehicle, but we don't always get to pick and choose. At least Steve's still healthy and able. Praise God!
At times I find myself fighting the temptation to be depressed. We are incredibly blessed, and there is so much to be thankful for ... and yet, so many things just do not go as we hope or plan. Twice now I've started to list out all the things that are going wrong, and deleted them. It doesn't matter what is wrong, or how many things aren't going well. I still need to praise Him and get my eyes off of myself and my frustrations.
So, at the moment things are NOT going well. Suffice it to say I'm frustrated and feeling blue, when I'd rather be cheerful and carefree this holiday season.
"Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior." Habakkuk 3:18
I praise God for:
the roof over my head
my comfy bed
my hard-working loving husband who is my best friend
each of my 7 children, crazy bunch that they are
extra sheets, blankets, and towels ... for company, for warmth in winter, and for stomach viruses that pile laundry up faster than I can wash it
a deep freeze full of food
Christmas presents under the tree
my snowflake ornaments
clothes for each and every family member
friends who help by giving coats to us for the children who needed larger coats
beauty in the world around us, and in our home
a home in the country, at last
family who loves us and will travel to spend time with us
a living room large enough to really host family, at last
a home full of books, too many for our bookshelves
paperbackswap.com which helps me trade books I don't want for books I do want
being able to homeschool my children, even when they wish the word "school" didn't exist
a loving church family, who have rejoiced with us in Baby G's birth, and supported us in our grief
God's patience with me
a washing machine that still works ... please let it keep working!
a nice clothes line to use when the dryer doesn't work
being able to afford to heat our home this winter
health and physical ability to do the work required of me
learning to look beyond the colors of our walls, and focus on the life within them
a wonderful dog, who is perfect for our family, at long last
cozy socks and slippers to wear on our cold wood floors
fleece blankets and hot coffee on cold mornings
Steve's job being renewed for another year
good health insurance
finally getting signed up for dental and vision insurance
being a part of the Homeschool Crew, and testing new curriculum
all the little ways that God meets our needs, and even provides for some wants
being able to stay home with my children
a library that gladly inter-library-loans books for me, at no cost
a cute 2 year old to entertain the family
an active 4 year old to keep me young, and on my knees in prayer
hard wood floors that are easier to clean than carpet was ... when stomach viruses hit
enough beds for the whole family
being stretched and challenged
learning to be content
God providing a front bench for the Suburban, just days before Baby G was born ... making room for the whole family again
four seasons to enjoy
having hall closets, a basement, and a garage ... at last!
realizing that small table in the basement could be used for more counter space in the kitchen, and having it fit!
children that need me and love me
time to myself to recharge
Sometimes I just need to stop and make a list of my blessings.
"I don't know how you do it. You must have the patience of Job."
Posted on 2008-Jul-26 at 01:22 PM
I think many stay-at-home moms, and all homeschooling Moms have heard this before. Well, add in a larger than average family, and it gets even worse. "You must be superwoman."
I'm not. I am just an average woman trying to do what God has called me to do. I don't always do it well. In fact, I often do a very mediocre job, and sometimes I just completely fail. One morning this week I was so overwhelmed with all that needed to be done to clean the house, after too many days of just relaxing. I was feeling very discouraged with the struggle to get my children to work with me. I had basically given up that day, before we even began.
Well, my pity party grew as I folded clothes, until I was crying as I put clothes away. I'm sorry, but you can't cry secretly in a house with six kids, no matter how hard you try. I finally went to my room and shut the door, but within 5 minutes I had 6 kids standing around my bed staring at me. What a novelty!! Mom's crying!!
After I reassured them no one had died, and baby and I were physically fine ... I did finally tell them I was just discouraged. I didn't want to use my tears to manipulate them, but I did want them to know that I was discouraged.
Then we got up and we all started working. I did most of the work, and I am still feeling it in my achy muscles, but the work was done. We just need to work on the concept that if we don't work daily it will all fall apart again. My oldest will be 13 next month, but we still do not have the area of chores and cheerful obedience regarding chores conquered. None of us are perfect here.
There are other times I just lose my patience and raise my voice. And I have several children who mirror that right back at me. If I let my irritation or anger show in my voice, it is returned to me in their response. I know this ... and yet I still let my frustration and anger show too often.
I am selfish. I am impatient. I get tired of the daily grind of homeschooling, housework, and raising a large family. Too often I procrastinate and don't give this task my best efforts.
How do I do it then? With God's help. I've been listening to our Selah "Hiding Place" CD in our car, and it touches my heart. The first two songs on the CD totally express my dependence on my Lord and Savior.
Selah -- You Raise Me Up
When I am down, and oh my soul, so weary.
When troubles come, and my heart burdened be.
Then I am still and wait here in the silence.
Until You come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas.
I am strong when I am on your shoulders.
You raise me up to more than I can be.
You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas.
I am strong when I am on your shoulders.
You raise me up to more than I can be.
There is no life, no life without its hunger.
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly.
But when you come and I am filled with wonder.
Sometimes I think I glimpse eternity.
You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas.
I am strong when I am on your shoulders.
You raise me up to more than I can be.
You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas.
I am strong when I am on your shoulders.
You raise me up, to more than I can be.
Selah -- Part the Waters, Lord / I Need Thee Every Hour
When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord
When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea
When I cry for help, oh, hear me
Lord and hold out Your hand
Touch my life
Still the raging storm in me
I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford
I need Thee, O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior
I come to Thee
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain
I need Thee, O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior
I come to Thee
O bless me now, my Savior
I come to Thee
When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord
I'm not superwoman. I'm not perfect. I'm not even that patient. But, God is continually working in my life to change me. I am more patient and less selfish than I once was. And I pray I become even more patient and less selfish.
When I turn to God, and lean on Him, I can do this. I can stay home, and homeschool my large family ... in a manner that is pleasing to Him. With Him, I am more than I could ever be alone. And I need Him, always. Not only do I need Him, but He is faithful and He will give me everything I need to complete the task He has called me to do.
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” " 2 Corinthians 12:9
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
"Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed. He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful." 1 Corinthians 1:7-9
"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
We sang this in church on Sunday, and I was so touched by the words. It became a prayer, my prayer. And being an emotional pregnant woman, I cried, to the amusement of my family.
I was going to highlight the lines that spoke to me most, but each part is so powerful. I wish I knew how to add music to my blog, because I'd add this song.
"May the Words of my Mouth" (Psalm 19) by Tim Hughes
May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart
Bless Your name, bless Your name, Jesus
And the deeds of the day and the truth in my ways
Speak of You, speak of You, Jesus
For this is what I'm glad to do
It's time to live a life of love that pleases You
And I will give my all to You
Surrender everything I have and follow You
I'll follow You
Lord, will You be my vision, Lord, will You be my guide
Be my hope, be my light and the way
And I'll look not for riches, nor praises on earth
Only You'll be the first of my heart
I will follow
I will follow
I will follow You
"Lord, please let every word of my mouth, every thought, and every action bless Your Name and speak of Your presence in my life. Help me to live a life of love, and not selfishness. Help me to focus on serving You, and those You have placed in my life, without thought for gain or praise. Change my priorities, Lord. Help me to follow You, and put You first in my life. May my husband, my children, and my neighbors see You in me. Forgive me for all the times my words and actions have not blessed Your Name, for the times they have grieved You. Change me, Lord, and make me more like You. Amen."
Today my husband is having a training day at his new job. He's meeting with the outgoing person, since this person's last day is tomorrow and Steve does not start until October 1. He took a day off from his current job to go train.
I got up early with him to fix his coffee, and see him out the door. While he showered, I read my Bible, and I was drawn to offering him the same 2 verses I read to him when he was starting his current job 6.5 years ago. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6 and "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9.
We've been so thankful that God has been helping Steve wake earlier, and the children and I to fall asleep earlier and wake up earlier. We're working on changing our family's sleep schedules so this job will be easier for Steve, and our family. I don't usually get up with Steve. I'm so glad I did today, and that God reminded me of those verses, so I could bless him by reading them to him again.
6.5 years ago, he was nervous about leaving his job at a Christian University to step out into a secular job. It was a change, and God gave me those verses to encourage him with. Now, he is leaving the familiar once again ... not just in his career ... but also for where we live. We have lived here in this area for half our lives, to be honest, and in this particular house for 3/4 of our marriage. Four of our children were born while living here, and two of them were actually born in this house.
But God is leading us into a new job, a new community, and a new home. He is fulfilling the desires of our heart, to move to a rural area, to live on Steve's family homestead. We are incredibly thankful, and yet, also nervous. It is encouraging to remember that God is going with us. He will not leave us, nor forsake us.
Our Pastor unwittingly was the bearer of encouraging words as we pondered this change. The Sunday before Steve interviewed for this job, Pastor preached about Abram leaving Haran and setting out for Canaan. His text was Genesis 12:1-9. "The Lord said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people, and your father's household and go to the land I will show you." " At the time, I was impressed that God was reminding me that this was God leading our family, and God would go with us. God has blessed our life here, but I believe He was encouraging me that He would continue to bless us in "the new land". Although, Steve didn't get the same thing out of the sermon, since he considers this going TO his father's land, not leaving it. But it's a new land to me. Entirely new.
The week after he was offered the job, as we wrestled with whether to accept it or not, our Pastor again told us to go. He didn't mean to, but he did. This time, his text was 1 Chronicles 4:9-10. Our Pastor was addressing the fact that as Christians we often pray for God to open a new opportunity, or a new direction for us ... but then when He does, we are too afraid to take it. If we pray for God to do that, we need to stay in His Word, stay close to Him, and keep praying ... so we'll have the faith and strength to follow His leading. We were wrestling with fears and "what ifs" that weekend, and God used our Pastor to encourage us to trust Him.
I jokingly told Steve our Pastor didn't know it, but he was telling us to GO!! GET OUT OF HERE!! JUST DO IT!! When Steve talked to the Pastor about us moving, he made certain to let Steve know that was not the message he had wanted us to hear. LOL! But it was the message God wanted us to hear.
We're still nervous. Still worried about the details of moving a family of 8 who has been settled in this house for ten years ... and struggle with being clutterbugs. I'm trying not to think of how many books our home library holds ... or all the nooks and crannies we've filled in ten years. Steve's more worried about the transition between the two jobs and a paycheck coming a week later than usual, and the gas costs involved in moving, etc.
But God has been telling us to trust Him ... to be strong and courageous. And I'm just clinging to His promises ... that He will continue to make a way. God has made a way, where there seemed to be no way ... and I believe He will continue to do so.
That song makes me cry even more now ... because when the family farmhouse was going to be sold, we longed to buy it and didn't know how we possibly could. God provided extra work for Steve so we could buy it nearly 2.5 years ago. Then that work ended last year and we've felt increasing pressure to move out there and get away from the financial burden of two homes ... but work (especially good-paying work) is hard to find out there ... and God has once again made a way for us to have our heart's desire.
Kim B. from Large Family Logistics needs our prayers. She is in the hospital, trying to maintain a pregnancy she only learned about recently. (She had earlier miscarried its twin.)
You can read the prayer request at the LFL Blog, HERE. Please stop by the LFL Blog and leave a message for Kim and her family to let them know you are praying.
Every year, it seems I make the same resolutions. I'm still a work in
progress, and I'm still growing in the same areas. I am not one to
make detailed plans. I am not one to really dwell on them that much. I
usually don't even make a written list.
But every year, I purpose to better follow my claimed priorities.
More time with God. Daily Devotions. Being more loving toward my husband, less grouchy, more encouraging. Spending more time reading to my children, playing games with them, and listening to them. Keeping the home better organized and staying on top of chores. Being more structured and diligent in our homeschool. Spending less time on the computer, and more time reaching out to others ... in my home and outside of it. Eating healthier and exercising.
I've hesitated to post on this all week. Because it's the same things
I say every year. And I think it's probably the same thing most
Christian Moms say.
But I've decided not to be discouraged
that I still have the same goals for the New Year. I am still
growing. I have not yet overcome my weaknesses. But I am still
trying, and God is still working in me. I need to let Him work more,
instead of trying to make these changes on my own. If I'm growing in
my relationship with HIM, then I will grow in these areas, as well. Or
in whatever areas He desires to see me change in.
So, I do have one resolution. I resolve to seek God:
I will resume daily devotions and I will pray, seeking His guidance
more often. I will take time to listen. I've been trying to do things
on my own for too long. God has been telling me this in many different
ways recently. I need to seek Him, and let Him do His work in me.
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
I had different plans for this week. My plans included de-cluttering,
deep cleaning, laundry, school planning and grading. My plans included
trying to re-create a routine or schedule to help get our family and
school organized again. My plans included a strong structured start to
school on Monday the 8th.
My plans did NOT include 6 coughing,
sneezing, drippy, congested children carrying tissue boxes around. My
plans did NOT include multiple Dr's visits, breathing treatments,
medications, or fussing needy children. My plans did NOT include an
RSV (respiratory syncytial virus) diagnosis for Baby L.
But
God had other plans. He has allowed this illness for a reason.
Perhaps He felt I needed to slow down. Perhaps He felt I needed my
direction changed. Perhaps He felt I needed to re-connect with the
children. Perhaps He felt a gentle start to school was better.
Perhaps He just felt I needed to re-focus on Him. I don't know.
But I trust Him. I trust that I am in the center of His will, even at
this moment. I trust that I am doing the right thing when I rock my 9
month old, or my 2 year old. I trust that doing the laundry, grading
the math, and planning for school will all get done.
I am
not going to stress about these things. I will just rest in God, and
keep doing the next thing. Even if the next thing isn't what I had
planned.
" Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9
"For
I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper
you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
I'm home from church today with Baby L who has a really bad virus. She's had a cold/flu type thing since Friday morning. Her nose is congested, her ears are hurting, and she has a high fever. She's not sleeping well, and needing held and nursed often. Poor girl!
So, I'm home today ... and Ken Davis, Chonda Pierce and I had church today. First I put in Ken Davis' "God Wants Your Body" DVD and laughed along with him. But I also felt God tugging at my heart ... about being a living sacrifice ... giving God my body, my will, and my mind.
Then I turned on Chonda Pierce's "Four-eyed Blonde" DVD. And I laughed with her ... and ended up bawling as I cried out to God.
God met me in my living room this morning, in my pajamas, in my recliner, as I rocked and nursed a feverish little baby girl. And I'm so thankful.
I have to confess that I've not been faithful to spend time with God lately. I have become so caught up in the "important things of life". Stressing over things that seem much more important than they really are. And when I became overwhelmed, instead of turning to God, I turned to distractions. Which works really well, for a moment. Only then while I'm distracted, nothing gets done, and I only end up more stressed. Although the adrenaline can kick in and I can accomplish bunches of stuff in a short amount of time. But not with grace and gentleness.
I have been a grouchy grouchy woman lately. Not continually. But too often. Oh, the things I've said and the tones I've spoken in. "Apologize to your sister right now. We do NOT speak that way in this family. We show love to each other!!" (of course it would help if MOM spoke in a loving tone, wouldn't it?)
And when I get this way, God pokes and prods at my conscience, and I feel guilty. And I don't like feeling guilty. So I try to shift blame, and I try to change the subject, and I avoid the very thing I need ... confession and seeking forgiveness. Just like my kids. At least we know my children come by it honestly. And the more I try to avoid God ... the grouchier I get.
But, today, I was reminded that God sees through all that ugliness ... and loves me anyway. So, today God and I cleaned house. I confessed. I sought His forgiveness. I let Him have my stress. I let Him speak to me.
I know I'm tired. I know I'm stressed. But it wasn't just fatigue and stress at work this morning. It was the Holy Spirit ... reaching out and drawing me to God, ministering to a tired Mom, helping me clean up. I've been focusing on the outside for awhile ... the house, the chores, the schoolwork, the kids' behavior, the list of stuff to do before Christmas. But what I really needed was to get my heart and my life cleaned up ... not the house.
When my children come home, I'm going to take them each in my arms, and tell them I love them. That I'm sorry, and will they please forgive me. And I'm going to tell them that I really want them to know that I love them, but more importantly that God loves them. That He loves them perfectly, in a way I never can.
If anyone else is focusing on the outside STUFF right now ... while neglecting their heart and their relationship with God ... I just want to urge them to draw away. Take 15 minutes, or half an hour, or an hour ... and get alone with God. Let Him clean house. I promise it will be worth it.
The Potter's Hands
by Hillsong United
album:
Beautiful Lord, wonderful saviour I know for sure, all of my days are held in Your hands Crafted into Your perfect plan
You gently call me, into Your presence Guiding me by, Your Holy Spirit Teach me dear Lord To live all of my life through Your eyes
I'm captured by, Your Holy calling Set me apart I know You're drawing me to Yourself Lead me Lord I pray
Take me, Mold me Use me, Fill me I give my life to the Potter's hands Hold me, Guide me Lead me, Walk beside me I give my life to the Potter's hand
We are a Christian homeschooling family with 7 children (ages 13, 12, 10, 8, 5, 3, and 9 months). We love having "room to breathe" in rural Central Kansas, and are working to make the "family homeplace" our own home.
• Steve 36 yo hubby
• April 35 yo SAHM
• A - 13 yo girl
• R - 12 yo girl
• C - 10 yo girl
• J - 8 yo boy
• M - 5 yo boy
• L - 3 yo girl
• G - 8 month boy
Stressing over things that seem much more important than they really are. And when I became overwhelmed, instead of turning to God, I turned to distractions. Which works really well, for a moment. Only then while I'm distracted, nothing gets done, and I only end up more stressed. Although the adrenaline can kick in and I can accomplish bunches of stuff in a short amount of time. But not with grace and gentleness.
So, today God and I cleaned house. I confessed. I sought His forgiveness. I let Him have my stress. I let Him speak to me. 
