Sugar Bend Farm

Thursday

It has been a while since I have blogged.  It has been a busy new year so far.  Lauren is in Louisiana with my parents, seeing her "boy friend".  I am still trying to get a grip on that idea, but anyway.  My mom is once again going to the dr today to have a needle biopsy on her lungs.  She has had breast cancer twice, two surgeries, one round of chemo; now they think it has metastasised in the lung.  She has been sick and unable to have the biopsy before now, so today they are on the way to Shreveport to the hospital to have it done.  I am glad that Lauren is there with them, since I can't be.  We are trying to believe that it will be okay, but we also understand the possibilities.  But that doesn't deminish our faith in God and His ability to take care of the situation.  Either you believe that He is in control, or you don't.  But our humanness causes us to still be anxious and worry about things.  In our frailties He is made strong. 

Noah is growing so quickly.  He is so verbal.  He is saying understandable words, but also he rambles on in his own language, telling us all about everything.  He is very verbal!  We are learning so much through him and with each day with him.  I am so thankful that once again, God has given me the opportunity to see His love and the miracle of life in my little boy.  I think now that I am older, I can appreciate each moment much more, than I did when I was younger.  Not that I love him any more than my girls, I so love my girls!! They are precious treasures that I hold very dear to my soul.  They each give to me, so much of their own gifts.  I also am able to enjoy them more each day, and pay more attention to the details each moment, than I did when I was younger.  Now I have lived, learned, and know how precious the gifts of each of them are to me.  When I was younger, I was busy trying to grasp life itself and understand what my purpose here was, not realizing that maybe my children were my purpose at this point in time.  I realized that a few years ago, unfortunately I lost a lot of years searching for that revolation.  Now I view each day with my children as a precious gift, one to be treasured and not taken for granted.  I see how quickly they grow and before I realize it, this passage of time will be complete and my kids will be grown and I will have new challenges to face.  I want to enjoy to the fullest, each stage of my life.  I am 40 now, not young any more, but not old yet either.  I am in the middle, somewhere in between.  Standing on the plateau and looking back at youth, and looking ahead at the future.  I want to sit here for a while and enjoy this place in time, each day, each hour, each moment; savouring it. Carrying with me many wonderful memories to sustain me in my old age. 

I know I sound melancholy today, I suppose I am, I did not sleep well last night; so much on my mind.  So many thoughts, and worries about the next few weeks and what I will be facing with my mother, and with our personal situation that we have been going through.  I know that God is in control, but like I said earlier, I am human, and can't always let go and let God.  I still feel the need to hold tightly to the things that worry or stress me, trying to figure it all out on my own.  Knowing all the while that God is standing waiting for me to hand it over to Him completely, and when I finally do, He offers me comfort and encouragement to get through the situations that He brings into my life. 

Another subject:  Megan has a dental appointment today at 1:30, she has a tooth that needs to be filled.  I have a dr's appointment next week about my nose.  Hopefully they will give me good news that the problem can easily be taken care of.  Then Noah has a well baby appointment the 30th.  After that, I will make a OB appointment and schedule a mammogram.  I do dread that.  But know it is a necessary thing.  We are going to Louisiana in two weeks to get Lauren.  It will be a year in Feb since I have been there.  I really need to go see my grandma, she is 94 years old and is going down fairly quickly, according to my mom.  I just hate going back sometimes.  So much has changed there.  It no longer feels like home to me.  I have been away for so long, and everything is different there now.  So I feel like I am in a strange place while I am there, instead of feeling like I am home again.  I do believe the old saying, " you can never go home".  Because home is no longer the way you remember it to be.  Because we have moved around so much since I have been married, I have the wonderful ablility to adapt to change and embrace it.  I always make home, where ever I am at the time.  I view where God has placed me, even for a brief time, as home.  I do all I can to make it home for my family.  We celebrate all our holiday's in our "home".  We don't spend our holiday's traveling to this place or that, to have a holiday.  We enjoy them where we are.  Even when we were moving from rent house to rent house, we unpacked and had our home there for however brief a time.  We always got to know the area we were in, spending time exploring all the areas around us.  We have truly enjoyed it.  But we decided when we came here that it was time to stop traveling around for a while.  That we needed to be here for now.  So we bought a home and have "settled" here.  But the heart of a wonderer still beats within us, and we occasionally get the need to travel again.  But still feel like we need to stay here for a while longer.  I do still feel the tug of the road, something that a person that has always stayed in one location, may not be able to understand.  But I have always viewed myself as a "gypsy" of sorts.  Someone with sand in my sandals and the desire to go to new places and learn different ways of life. But for now, we are here, and I am enjoying the idea of homesteading here for a while. 
Well, I have definately rambled on and on today.  So many thoughts in my mind, so many emotions I am trying to deal with.  They all come tumbling out, like puppies out of a box, trying to take in their new surroundings all at once. 

Gotta run, get lunch ready and get ready for the dentist.  Maybe next time I won't be so...whatever this post has been.