Catholic Heart

living my Cross

06:54, Saturday, January 26, 2008 .. Link

I want everyone to know that I am grateful for all comments received and that I read them all - I just am not able to respond most of the time, due to lack of time.

Last night I took my kids to STARS group, which more often than not ends up being 'work' for me (as I am the Secretary of the group), but my kids still enjoyed themselves, except for my little one. She wanted to be left alone, and a few of her little friends wanted to play with her. So she kept hiding under the table and whining to be held. The saying goes, "If you know one autistic child, you know one autistic child." Several people have said to me that so-&-so can't be autistic because s/he interacts, makes eye contact, does this or that. They also seem to think they know my child after seeing her for 30 seconds.

Autistic children are all over the map. There is no ONE way that they are autistic. That's why it's considered a SPECTRUM disorder in addition to classic autism. I know 60-some autistic children - they are all different. Don't miss the forest for the trees.

Anyway, that wasn't my point ..... I started getting the feeling again while walking that i was not in my own body. I know I'm experiencing extensive numbness in my legs, as though my skin were shot through with anesthetic, but it was beyond that. I've experienced this before - like I lose all sense of time and space, am almost "floating" in a dream, everything being very surreal. [The leg numbness, they want me to get an EMG done on my legs, which is fine, but that takes 45 to 90 minutes about an hour away from us - I don't have the time or the money to get this done yet. I can walk, drive, etc., I don't feel pain, only numbness and my feet and hands get cold. Maybe next year.]

I had asked some people about this sensation before, and they told me that it's a sign of complete exhaustion -- not only physical, but mental, emotional, and even spiritual exhaustion. Well, this week, so much has happened and so much has changed that it was more than my mind could handle at once. In a sense, my conscious, processing mind has sort of 'shut down', and I've gone on 'autopilot'.

See, I'm trying to get through some major changes and decisions for my little one for February and March - decisions that will decide her academic and medical future for the coming year while embarking on a journey that I have not gone through with her before - and trying to keep my 9yo's life in balance and having a 'normal' childhood with Girl Scouts, playdates, and getting in some "Mama time" as well. And trying to help my husband with his 'job from hell' (boss from hell, actually), while he's trying to decide what night school to start in March that will keep him away from the family quite a bit, but it's his only chance of getting a better job ..... while trying to keep up with my own freelance work, paperwork, and keeping our home in some semblance of running order.

And there really aren't any options here .... nothing I can let go of - I let go of anything that is irrelevant or really "not my job" as soon as I can ..... but all of THIS stuff is basically MY JOB. I delegate where possible, if someone complains that something isn't done yet, I invite them to do it, offer an alternative, or ask if it can be done by such-&-such a time.

Sounds bad, but often I have to weigh "how important is it" when faced with too many demands at once, or too many people making too many requests on me.

And yet I still have people who tell me that they don't know how I do it all, that I must be very organized. I don't do it all!!! Or, "I know you're busy, but I need this done now." I do what is essential, and sometimes, like the Lord, I find myself sneaking away to some place quiet, dark and private if only for a few minutes to pray and just exist without 'doing'. I've been thinking of those stories often this week, how He had to sneak away in early morning hours or retreat from crowds just so He could pray and recharge. He was constantly in demand also.

With a strong inner spiritual life, it is a little easier to respond lovingly and with compassion and tact when people are constantly 'in my face' and sometimes getting quite nasty about things. What I am finding is, if in the quiet times, I spend more time in prayer and meditation, and actively nourish my spirit and my heart, even when it feels that I am already 'full', then when the hard times come, I have that "spiritual bank" to draw from and can recharge more quickly than if I'm running on empty and having to charge as I go.

So in this way, the despair and exhaustion aren't taking over as easily as they used to. In a life like mine, where you never know from minute to minute, day to day, and caring for a special needs child, and some days being surrounded by many autistic children and knowing their parents and what we struggle with, and then dealing with city agencies and potential schools, and therapists who don't listen, and specialists who want more evaluations, and even the simplest routines and activities require much planning and preparation, and knowing that a simple activity could explode within minutes "if" .........

It's all essential. It all requires work. And in a way, paradoxically -- none of it really matters in the end.

What matters is Who I look to for comfort, strength, support, guidance.

What matters is how I treat others in my daily life, how I take care of them.

What matters is that I take some time each day for prayer, Scripture, and active contemplation.

And doing the best I can do, with what I have to work with, and with the best of intentions .... hoping.

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