Catholic Heart

economic woes, future worries

08:55, Sunday, February 3, 2008 .. Link

This past week I've been experiencing a deep sadness again, an aloneness, but it's difficult to pinpoint its source. I remember reading in MT's book that those who give light to others, often find themselves in great darkness, that we experience the darkness of Christ's sufferings on the Cross even as He gave His light to others.

I started a website yesterday, called Special Needs Resource Consulting. I plan to use it to help other parents just starting in the Early Intervention process, and also I hope to write more articles about evaluations, medical assistance, the diagnostic process, and how to cope with daily life in the meantime. As I started establishing the framework, it occurred to me how overwhelming this project would be, and how would I write all these articles .... it's all in my head, but finding the time and DOING it are challenging.

Everything will change next month. My little one will start preschool, which will free up 3 hours a day, 3 days a week for me. I'll be able to work a little, clean, run errands, write. It will be a stark change for me.

Since I was pregnant with her, my little one has needed me constantly. She was a high risk pregnancy, involving bed rest, weekly or bi-weekly testing (ultrasounds), serious antenatal depression on my part, and then from one year onward .......... doctor visits and therapy sessions. Round-the-clock, nonstop.

March will be a shock for me. And since my husband is planning his return to night school in March ...... I'm fearing that March will hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks.

In the meantime, I'm trying to survive on very little money (being paid two weeks late again), increasing food costs, and the awareness that gas prices will go up again by summer to $3.50 a gallon, at least. Our section of the city is not designed for ease of walking to run errands, but I have to figure something out. And I know Catholic school tuition will be going up again, along with the registration fee of $100 again. They're trying to keep the school open when they keep losing families each year ... but raising tuition and fees drives more families away, while they hired new teachers for their new preschool in hopes of drawing more families to stay. It's a vicious cycle. To offset the tuition costs, they do fund raisers throughout the year ..... no matter how you look at it, the money has to come from "somewhere" -- for all of us. And "experts" are debating whether we're in a recession, is one coming, etc. ..............

For us, for our city, I think we're in a recession already. Their stimulus packages and other 'bright ideas' won't get here in time, and I don't like the idea of 'handouts' from the government - government dependency is not something I'm in favor of. Yet, we pay taxes for a lot of things we don't approve of - maybe it's like we're getting our money back that won't go towards what we disagree with.

I am also confused on how they can send rebate checks out when the federal government is in a deficit? How do you send out money you don't have? Is it like a government credit card?

Good thing I'm not a financial adviser ....... these things make no sense to me - I just get depressed about them when I see 'no way out' of a looming crisis without jeopardizing my children's daily lives.

And yet I know that Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow, but to deal with today, that tomorrow will have enough troubles of its own .... and to remember the lilies and the birds, we are worth much more than they are, and that God would take care of us as His children. I try very hard to remember God's faithfulness to me and my family these last nine years (that I have been home with my children). We've had some very difficult times, due to lack of planning or poor management, but God has come through for us, even at the last minute. It is so hard to trust when I can't see when that 'last minute' will be, but it is what He asks of me -- to take care of what He has given me to manage (my family), and He will provide what is needed.

My aunt has been asking St. Anthony for help with a family situation, and it appears that he has indeed interceded ..... think I will try also, it cannot hurt.

wish I could do for myself ....

06:47, Saturday, February 2, 2008 .. Link

Lately I've noticed that I have done a lot of work for other people to help their work and their dreams be more visible and put them "on the map" ..... and then they take full credit and I get pushed aside.

One of my best skills is in helping others to fulfill their dreams, or to make their vision a reality. It's what I do.

But I'm tired of taking a back seat when I'm the one putting gas in the car and keeping it tuned up. If it weren't for me, they wouldn't be where they are now -- and they get it for free.

I've been wondering if maybe this is a lesson in humility for me. Is this what the Lord wants of me? I keep seeing opportunities to help, where my skills are needed, but it always hurts when the recognition for achievements comes around and I'm left in the dark again. Speaking up about it makes me seem like a squeaky wheel, craving the spotlight - and it's not that. I'd just like credit where credit is due.

Some day, these people will have to answer to God for how they treated those who helped them become successful. What comes around, goes around.

I just wish that I could have my own time as well, that I could do for myself what I have done for others.

Some people have told me that I should write a book, or a series of essays, or do consulting for my kind of work. My problem is this - I easily promote others, but I have great difficulty promoting myself. It feels like a high form of conceit to me, to promote myself or "sell" myself (my skills).

Not sure how to get around that.

Then there is the dilemma that poses - is the Lord trying to teach me greater humility, or is He trying to get me to do for myself what i have done for others? And how can I know which way to go?

I can't stretch myself any thinner with volunteering and helping others - I spend my life doing this, when I'm not home being a wife and mother. Also, I can't afford to add any more volunteering - it's costing me too much. I've wished many times that I could do it as a job, but that never worked out.

why the troubled marriages? here's what I think!

08:33, Sunday, January 27, 2008 .. Link

Each day unfolds to its own rhythm. I realized this morning that Saturday mornings are "my time" - husband leaves for work, kids are asleep, I get some peace and quiet that I usually try to fill up by cleaning and making lists, LOL!!

Sunday mornings, my little one stays asleep, my 9yo wakes up too early (but occupies herself), I get up to start the coffee and let myself wake up, and my husband sleeps in -- but it's also the only day of the week for my husband and I to have any quiet time.

A childhood acquaintance of mine recently e-mailed me because she hadn't heard from me in a long time. I told her why (family responsibilities). She responded that every mom is busy, men have it so easy, look at all the work she's doing and he gets to play, the stress is going to kill them, he gets home so late, she's stuck with the kids, etc. I noticed that not once did she write "praise God" or any of her other little sayings as she used to do, feeling that being a 'born again Christian' was all that was needed for a perfect life.

I also heard some of my old bad attitudes filtering through in her words. I've come a long way by God's grace and with my stepmother's gentle 'attitude adjustment' talks with me.

I tried to remind her that the woman is the heart of the home (apparently she is still working full-time and trying to do all and be all). I also told her, gently, that men really don't have it as 'easy' as we think they do, they just have it different. Men are often clueless as to what we expect from them, or how to meet our expectations. Women are multi-taskers and quite adept at managing multiple responsibilities, needs, wants, and keeping the big family picture in view at all times. Men's brains generally aren't wired that way.

I suggested having a discussion with her husband (I know her husband also) about a better balance of responsibilities so that it's not all on one person, and I gave examples.

She did not respond to that e-mail.

I feel that she is a product of the feminist culture that has taken over America, including fundamentalist Christian America, that focuses on career AND family life AND being the perfect Christian. Every time I have tried to look into Christian resources for mothers like me, I often find that I cannot locate homemaking resources or traditional parenting resources - I find work and career advice, child care discussions, marital advice for marriages in trouble (I wonder why ...) .... topics about modern culture.

I was groomed in the old school - yes, women can have jobs outside the home, but not at the expense of their families. Women should not take on roles that emasculate the men in their lives. Men are accustomed to being the primary breadwinners, and women are designed to be caretakers of the home and family. Women are multi-taskers by design, men are not. I feel that a man is more comfortable when he comes home from a hard day's work and dinner is prepared, his children are happy to see him, and his wife is not on the phone constantly or working or whipping out a dinner from a fast food restaurant.

So my ultimate opinion to my childhood acquaintance would be .... the stress in your family is being caused, to some extent, by your insistence on being all and doing all. Don't over-schedule your kids, don't tire out your mother because you insist on having a full-time career, don't badger your husband who works as hard as you do, and if you have expectations of your husband sharing in your homemaking responsibilities - have a talk with him and discuss it fairly, not nagging or berating him for what you feel are his shortcomings. Maybe that's why he comes home so late - look what he comes home to!

Well, it's time for me to prepare my husband's coffee and spend some snuggle time .... here ends my latest "lecture of the day", LOL!!

baby steps to a more 'homey' home

05:45, Saturday, January 26, 2008 .. Link

It seems to take me forever to get to my goals and dreams, simple as they are, but occasionally the Lord grants me a space of time unexpectedly, and I happen to make good use of it.

This afternoon, my 9yo took over the phone, and my little one fell asleep -- so I set to cleaning. It's been bugging me since before Christmas that my dining room table, so lovingly moved out and cleaned off and set up for family dinners, afternoon homework, and meetings and paperwork - was covered with boxes, toys, crayons, unopened mail, and two cats lounging in the midst of it all!!

Not sure how I did it - graced by God everything found a place or the trash bag - but the table and the area around it are now available and ready for family meals and a welcoming entrance to our home.

I also cleaned out the cabinet that housed my mother's old cookbooks - most of which we don't use because they are gourmet cookbooks, and several are very "modern" cookbooks using microwaves and "20-minute meals" for career moms and those who can't be bothered with home cooking. I kept two Better Homes and Gardens cookbooks (an old one that feeds more, a newer one that includes more recipes), and a McCalls Complete cookbook from 1963, because of its old-fashioned slant. My husband just brought me home a gift of a large tube of garlic bulbs :) and also a package of Swanson Chicken Broth to help with making soup. Making and storing my own chicken stock is actually something I don't have the time, tools, or storage to do on my own (I tried already).

Maybe tonight I can try cleaning out the fridge and washing more miscellaneous items, getting the towels washed, etc. ... I've wanted to create again a more "homey" atmosphere for so many weeks and it just kept getting away from me with the therapy and the holidays and evaluations and work and never-ending phone calls, I just couldn't get to it.

Don't know that it will matter that much to my family if we have dinner AT the table instead of lounging in the living room ... but it will matter to me. We had found some of my mother's old trivets, and I remembered dinners from my childhood where the food was on the table and we ate family-style, passing it all around. And I am so surrounded by modern feminists who feel my ways are backwards and who has time for a family meal these days, with all the over-scheduling and rushing around that goes on.

I also wanted to have some "homey" routines in place soon because in March my husband will start night school and won't be home much, and I wanted something homey to help cement a firm family mainstay to help us all get through this year without drifting apart. In fact, I'm wondering if, in March, maybe I should attend the 6:30 or 8:30 a.m. Mass to free up the rest of Sunday, instead of sleeping in for the noon Mass. I usually go to the noon Mass because Sunday is the one day that I'm not up by 6 a.m. to prepare my family for their days.

Eventually I would like to wear skirts again - I don't have heavy winter skirts because they cost too much in my size (2X), and I don't yet have leggings to keep me warm, but in February, I should have two pairs from an Avon fund raiser for STARS. Otherwise, I wear comfortable pants that are modest and not clingy, not jeans.

Little by little, I am making more progress towards the visions I hold in my heart of how I want my home to be, what I want to create for my family's life and respite from worldly cares, and how best to create it.

living my Cross

06:54, Saturday, January 26, 2008 .. Link

I want everyone to know that I am grateful for all comments received and that I read them all - I just am not able to respond most of the time, due to lack of time.

Last night I took my kids to STARS group, which more often than not ends up being 'work' for me (as I am the Secretary of the group), but my kids still enjoyed themselves, except for my little one. She wanted to be left alone, and a few of her little friends wanted to play with her. So she kept hiding under the table and whining to be held. The saying goes, "If you know one autistic child, you know one autistic child." Several people have said to me that so-&-so can't be autistic because s/he interacts, makes eye contact, does this or that. They also seem to think they know my child after seeing her for 30 seconds.

Autistic children are all over the map. There is no ONE way that they are autistic. That's why it's considered a SPECTRUM disorder in addition to classic autism. I know 60-some autistic children - they are all different. Don't miss the forest for the trees.

Anyway, that wasn't my point ..... I started getting the feeling again while walking that i was not in my own body. I know I'm experiencing extensive numbness in my legs, as though my skin were shot through with anesthetic, but it was beyond that. I've experienced this before - like I lose all sense of time and space, am almost "floating" in a dream, everything being very surreal. [The leg numbness, they want me to get an EMG done on my legs, which is fine, but that takes 45 to 90 minutes about an hour away from us - I don't have the time or the money to get this done yet. I can walk, drive, etc., I don't feel pain, only numbness and my feet and hands get cold. Maybe next year.]

I had asked some people about this sensation before, and they told me that it's a sign of complete exhaustion -- not only physical, but mental, emotional, and even spiritual exhaustion. Well, this week, so much has happened and so much has changed that it was more than my mind could handle at once. In a sense, my conscious, processing mind has sort of 'shut down', and I've gone on 'autopilot'.

See, I'm trying to get through some major changes and decisions for my little one for February and March - decisions that will decide her academic and medical future for the coming year while embarking on a journey that I have not gone through with her before - and trying to keep my 9yo's life in balance and having a 'normal' childhood with Girl Scouts, playdates, and getting in some "Mama time" as well. And trying to help my husband with his 'job from hell' (boss from hell, actually), while he's trying to decide what night school to start in March that will keep him away from the family quite a bit, but it's his only chance of getting a better job ..... while trying to keep up with my own freelance work, paperwork, and keeping our home in some semblance of running order.

And there really aren't any options here .... nothing I can let go of - I let go of anything that is irrelevant or really "not my job" as soon as I can ..... but all of THIS stuff is basically MY JOB. I delegate where possible, if someone complains that something isn't done yet, I invite them to do it, offer an alternative, or ask if it can be done by such-&-such a time.

Sounds bad, but often I have to weigh "how important is it" when faced with too many demands at once, or too many people making too many requests on me.

And yet I still have people who tell me that they don't know how I do it all, that I must be very organized. I don't do it all!!! Or, "I know you're busy, but I need this done now." I do what is essential, and sometimes, like the Lord, I find myself sneaking away to some place quiet, dark and private if only for a few minutes to pray and just exist without 'doing'. I've been thinking of those stories often this week, how He had to sneak away in early morning hours or retreat from crowds just so He could pray and recharge. He was constantly in demand also.

With a strong inner spiritual life, it is a little easier to respond lovingly and with compassion and tact when people are constantly 'in my face' and sometimes getting quite nasty about things. What I am finding is, if in the quiet times, I spend more time in prayer and meditation, and actively nourish my spirit and my heart, even when it feels that I am already 'full', then when the hard times come, I have that "spiritual bank" to draw from and can recharge more quickly than if I'm running on empty and having to charge as I go.

So in this way, the despair and exhaustion aren't taking over as easily as they used to. In a life like mine, where you never know from minute to minute, day to day, and caring for a special needs child, and some days being surrounded by many autistic children and knowing their parents and what we struggle with, and then dealing with city agencies and potential schools, and therapists who don't listen, and specialists who want more evaluations, and even the simplest routines and activities require much planning and preparation, and knowing that a simple activity could explode within minutes "if" .........

It's all essential. It all requires work. And in a way, paradoxically -- none of it really matters in the end.

What matters is Who I look to for comfort, strength, support, guidance.

What matters is how I treat others in my daily life, how I take care of them.

What matters is that I take some time each day for prayer, Scripture, and active contemplation.

And doing the best I can do, with what I have to work with, and with the best of intentions .... hoping.

navigating autism

04:06, Friday, January 25, 2008 .. Link

I won't be available for a week or two, maybe. I received the agency's report on my daughter's eligibility (she qualified as disabled, and is eligible for special ed placement), and I received the developmental pediatrician's report giving an official, if provisional, diagnosis on the autism spectrum, with severe sensory integration dysfunction, developmental delays (36%) and confirming developmental apraxia of speech.

Next week the preschool center will call me to schedule a tour of the facilities and also to schedule the IEP meeting to plan for my daughter's therapy and educational setting. Next month will be busy.

This all is happening as my husband is trying to decide on a school, and work will be getting busy again ... and of course we're transitioning from the 0 to 3 agency, to the 3 to 5 agency. Meetings, paperwork, more meetings, more paperwork ......

I'm very tired, and I hope to "slow down" a little this weekend, even if only for a few hours.

a gruesome anniversary

08:23, Tuesday, January 22, 2008 .. Link

"Commemorating" this horrible anniversary of Roe versus Wade .... our parish lawn is 'decorated' with white crosses memorializing 48 million (I think) abortions since 1973. My heart continues to ache over this, and I look forward to participating in the prayer vigil in front of the abortion clinic in March. My 9yo asked me what the crosses were for when I dropped her off at school this morning ..... I did my best to give a "cleaned up" version of Roe vs. Wade, not going into details about what abortion is about (they may learn about it in school today, otherwise, I'll talk to her myself later). I did tell her that we can thank feminism for this atrocity that should be considered a holocaust (imo).

Sometimes I worry that I will offend people with my strong views on certain issues .... mostly I no longer care who I offend. This is what I believe, and I have my reasons for what I believe, and no amount of arguing is going to change my mind about it -- believe that.

Odd news .... yesterday, a story reporting a study finding that pregnant women who drink more than one cup of coffee (or caffeinated beverage) per day more than doubled their risk of miscarriage (I've had two miscarriages) ..... a story today now reports that women who drink coffee LOWER their risk of ovarian cancer.

Hmmmmm .... well, now, that's a tough one -- drink more coffee and miscarry, or drink less coffee and risk ovarian cancer. What a choice.

Sometimes I hate 'science'.

on submission in role of "keeper"

06:49, Monday, January 21, 2008 .. Link

In response to the comments received (thank you), I did go to the chapel this afternoon, and spent about twenty minutes in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament. I felt the dryness, but remembered to offer it up for the intentions of others. As I knelt praying, an elderly woman came in very quietly and sat down on the other side of the chapel. She seemed to be of heavy heart and spirit. As I prayed, a thought came to me that i should give her my rosary, and a gentle chastising within that I had not made any more rosaries recently. I apologized inwardly for this oversight, and promised the Lord I would return to making rosaries so I could give them away to others as promised.

So, I did. I ended with my "Come be my light" prayer (my version of the heart of Mother Teresa's book), and as I went to leave, I touched the woman's arm. I handed her my rosary and told her that I wanted her to have it, that it has been through many prayers, and has been with me long enough - it was time for a new home.

As I left, I saw her wrap the rosary around her hands as she likewise knelt to pray. That gave a good feeling that it was the right thing to do, and I mentally resolved to always be working on a rosary, and to always have a "stash" of completed rosaries in my bag, so that I'd always be ready to "make them, pray them, give them away."

Then I faced an issue with my freelance work over businesses that value deadlines and money over family and what's right. Women, especially in your 30s and 40s -- don't let businesses and society dictate your morals or your life priorities. It can eat you alive. Your family comes first, always. People call me backwards, but I believe in my heart that it is better for a woman to be home before her husband comes home, to have the children ready, the house ready, and a hot, satisfying dinner ready when he arrives. I find that I generally need to start preparations by 4:30 p.m., as my husband usually arrives home between 6 and 6:30 p.m., and he works a hard day and needs to eat and relax and rest his weary body. The children should not be on the phone chattering with their friends, the baby should be awake and in a pleasant mood (if possible), the table ready for eating dinner as a family, the living room or family room tidied and ready for your husband to relax and find refuge from the world, and perhaps his favorite "comfy clothes" (as we call them) ready to change into from a grungy work uniform.

Then later in the evening, after everyone has eaten and had their fill, I clean up from dinner, wipe down the stove, clean out the sink, and make lunches and set up the coffee pot for the next morning. So the next morning, I am the first to rise at 6 a.m. for morning prayers and my coffee, make sure the coffee is hot and ready - fix my husband's coffee, make and pack his toast, yogurt, sandwich and snack with his medications, make sure his wallet, phone and keys are ready, and see him off to work after a quick chat of what that day may hold. Then it's me grabbing a quick shower and then preparing the kids for their day ... and my running continues. My husband leaves by 6:30 a.m., and often does not return home until 6:30 p.m., and sometimes he gets home even later depending on what his bosses are demanding.

I've read in many places that women in their 20s are understanding the role of submission in marriage, but that often seems to fall apart once women hit their 30s and 40s. I say - let this be your strongest time!! Submission sounds like a sign of weakness, but it is actually a source of great strength and consolation in a marriage when the wife is submissive to her husband. When a wife is a true "keeper at home" in the manner which is best for her husband, then he knows that he has a "Rock solid" wife he can depend on, lean on, trust, turn to, and value more than anyone else, for her worth is truly "far above rubies". My husband may not be aware of how his reliance on my role as keeper has grown over the years, but we've been married for nearly 12 years, and our marriage now is stronger than it has ever been (I'm frequently complimented on this also). It took me several years to reach this place of submission in my role as keeper - but it's been worth every step.

Women in your 30s and 40s who disregard the idea of submission and being a keeper as a "yeah, right, like I'm gonna do THAT for HIM!" ...... don't be too quick to judge until you've witnessed the power and strength it can bring to your marriage. Even if your husband is lapsed or fallen away (as mine is), you can still do this -- because YOU can believe and submit to the will of God for wives, and in turn this blesses your marriage with many graces and much inspiration. It requires much prayer and sacrifice, but is entirely possible -- I'm living proof of this. My husband's words to me recently were that I'm the love of his life and his best friend, and his 'sidekick' (he meant that lovingly) .... he has never 'gushed' like that before, but one morning it just came pouring out of him when we were talking about some serious issues.

Many of the career-oriented and "me first" women who I have talked to are in their 30s and 40s, which is why my comments are directed towards them. I'm 35 years old .... I know what I'm talking about - I live it. And I've noticed that the women who have spoken most angrily against the notion of submission, are also the ones with miserable husbands and rocky marriages ... hmmmmm.

firm stance in a wishy-washy society

08:13, Monday, January 21, 2008 .. Link

My father gave me Mother Teresa's book, "Come Be My Light" for Christmas, and within this book I have found much inspiration, guidance and consolation for my spiritual life. Learned that I am not alone in what I experience and in my struggles. But I wondered if this consolation was temporary, if I would revert back to my negative thinking and my anger when spiritual dryness came and I didn't 'feel' spiritual or loving.

When we were away, I was able to test myself, and also I was confronted with some challenges. And now being back home again, I am confronted with more challenges. Would my lessons learned just 'fall away' in the face of adversity, or would I remember how to handle them and persist in climbing my mountains?

When you're on vacation at a family resort, you're thrust in the midst of people, cultures and lifestyles that you probably would not choose for yourself, and attitudes and behaviors that you can't abide by, but you're forced to contend with because you're all in the same place for the same reason. The place we wanted to go to, was way too expensive (they raised their rates), and they were also booked. So we went to a different resort because it looked fun, and their promotional rates were affordable. It was at the affordable place that I met a Muslim family that was nice, but I also met quite a few 'fashionable' families who seemed to put their gadgets and clothing ahead of the formation of their children's character.

[Where we wanted to go to, is an enclosed resort frequented by Orthodox Jewish families with strong morals and values. I rarely see them at other resorts, and I found this to be a good sign - it was.]

On more than one occasion, I stated my position on an issue as a Catholic mother, and found not so much the opposition of beliefs, but rather the lack of a firm position on anything. I think perhaps that is a greater danger in the world - not opposing beliefs, but the lack of a firm stance on anything. Many people do not know their own faith, do not have a reason or deeper understanding of issues affecting their families, and in some cases, don't realize how much of the world affects their families without their awareness.

The Director of activities at the resort - I will pray for her. She works too many hours, and rarely sees her daughter (9). I wondered if it hurts her heart that she's working 60 to 80 hours every week at the resort, seeing her daughter only in the morning for the school bus, but planning activities, games and crafts for other people's children at the resort. Yes, she is well dressed, drives a hybrid car, and is probably set for life with money and options ..... but at what price? What job is worth the price of your family? She did not say if her husband works, or what he does. She said she loves her job. More than her family?

Next year, I am planning to attend a CNA program to become certified as a Nurse's Aide and also as a Home Health Aide. This training will give me options to work evenings or other shifts, while getting my foot in the door with a hospital to pursue training as an LPN. This is not as a 'career', but as a secure, good-paying job to ease my husband's heavy financial strain as head of household. His job is killing him, but he can't leave yet due to lack of options. He'll return to night school in March, but there's no guarantee of what kind of job he'll get, or where, or what kind of salary he'll receive.

We have two children, one in Catholic school (and that tuition keeps going up), and we do hope to have one more. At this point, it's not so much money that is at issue with having another child (though money is always a factor), but my health. Our little one was a high risk pregnancy, and also has special needs. I spoke with my GYN, and was told that yes, given my history of miscarriages and my age (35), another pregnancy would be considered high risk, and I had to be prepared for bed rest, medical tests, and complications. If my husband is working full-time and is in night school, I would have little recourse with my children if I were placed on bed rest and/or other restrictions again. So we have to wait.

When I was pregnant with my little one, one of the blood tests came back positive for AFP. It was a false result, but still, I was told that my little one was at risk for Open Spina Bifida, and I had to have another ultrasound done. The neonatal nurse discovered the lab error, and had it corrected. But in the meantime, when I shared this shocking news with other mothers ..... the first question they asked me was, are you going to keep it -- meaning, will I keep the pregnancy, or have an abortion!!!!!!!! This was at a Catholic school, no less -- which just proved to me that just because someone says they practice a religion, does not mean that they LIVE their beliefs or understand their beliefs. It was a heartbreaking experience. But, this March, there will be a prayer vigil outside an abortion clinic near my neighborhood, and it runs all week, and I should be able to attend. Even if I am surrounded by mothers who claim to be Catholic but consider themselves pro-choice and feel they should have their careers and be considered like men - doesn't mean that I need to follow the crowd. They consider me backwards and old-fashioned, but then they are surprised when I start talking and they find out how much I know about many things. Living an old-fashioned life does not mean I am slow, or uneducated or subservient - it means I live my beliefs. Instead of writing medical and political articles, maybe I should work on a book about living an old-fashioned life in the midst of a modern culture ... maybe I'll call it "Life as a 1950s throwback".

The time away was good for us as a family - we did family activities, and for once did not fight in the car and didn't fight so much on the trip. My husband's temper has improved, I'm not sure why. I've been praying for him for a long time, often for his conversion (fallen away Catholic) - I so want him to be "head of household" in our spiritual development and to have a fully Catholic family .... but that is not in his heart - yet. I believe in miracles, so I keep praying. I am happy and grateful for the changes in his heart so far. He is not aware of how he has changed, but I see it, and it has brought me closer to him. We have been married for nearly 12 years, and this is the closest we've ever been. There's still room for improvement, and I continue to pray to become a better wife and mother, and keeper of my home and family. I'm always learning ...... and I learn what NOT to do from watching families without a strong faith, or no faith at all.

How families can survive without a guidepost or a beacon in their lives, I don't know. The world is such a tumultuous place, and particularly in America, it is so easy to be led astray without realizing it. I do not agree with keeping ourselves completely separate from the world, nor do I think it is possible, especially with city living ..... but learning how to maintain a strong moral backbone in the midst of the Culture of Death is essential, and it's character building for city living and surviving out in American society.

Well, my freelance work will be calling soon, and I have errands to run today. My family is still sleeping, and my 9yo is at a friend's house (sleepover). I may be able to go out alone today (husband is off, federal holiday) - which means I can stop by the chapel and spend a few minutes in Adoration and prayer. I may not feel much inside for now, but I learned from Mother Teresa not to rely on my feelings, but as an act of will and an act of faith. I will offer up these sufferings and my challenges for the wishy-washy families in America, that they may be led to Christ and develop a firm faith that will guide them through America's tricky landscape, lacking in moral virtues.

All for now.

I love learning, but I'll keep my faith, thank you.

03:34, Sunday, January 20, 2008 .. Link

I am restarting a different blog here to give things another try. I needed some wiggle-room. I've met two Muslim moms recently who told me how similar my beliefs and lifestyle are to theirs, and then they told me I'd make a good Muslim. I appreciate that ... and given my wandering mind and how much I love to learn about different cultures, I even considered it ... but no. In my heart I am Catholic, and could not give up my faith and beliefs for another. I could not adopt another Messiah or prophet or whatever they consider Mohammed to be. I mean no disrespect to them, and I admire their courage and resolve in practicing their faith and wearing their outfits in the shadow of 9/11 and the never-ending war ... but that is not me. I've studied Islam, even read much of the Qur'an, but never found the peace, the beauty, and the rich history that I have found in the Catholic faith.

My ancestors, also, faced tremendous adversity and hardship when they came here, and I'm sure it was not easy for two young southern Italians in the early 1900s to come here and make a new life based on legends and stories of America. And now, a century later, their great-granddaughter can attend Mass with their granddaughter (my aunt), faced with hospice decisions and major legal and insurance issues concerning their daughter-in-law (my dying grandmother), and know that we have a strong Rock to support us through it all. We may not have much family left, my aunt and I, but we have each other (and my husband and children) and our Catholic faith.

I've realized that religion isn't just religion - it's lifestyle, it's culture, it's family, it's who you are inside. I could no more adopt a Muslim lifestyle than I could renounce my family. It would be putting on a robe that is not mine. I have not owned all of the Catholic practices, but I own the ones I feel in my heart. And my aunt continues to teach me more. I lost my mother 11 years ago, so in a way, my aunt is passing down family traditions of faith and beliefs to me, as she has no other heirs, and I am the last of our bloodline. And so I carry on our traditions and ways, as it is my honor, duty and privilege to do this now.

There comes a point in a person's life when you step beyond the motions of religion and start living the realities at the heart of the faith, those truths that you have lived, witnessed, experienced in your heart. And then it is no longer something you do or a category you're grouped into, but a way of life.

What I am hoping for now - and praying for - is to meet more Catholic mothers IN REAL LIFE like myself. I am hoping this will begin this year. There is a week-long pro-life vigil in my area in March, where parishioners will keep one hour vigils for 24 hours, all seven days. This is the first pro-life vigil I'll be able to attend, as usually they're at a bad time (7:30 a.m.) or too far away from me (downtown). So I'm hoping that by participating in that (outside an abortion clinic), I will not only help save unborn children's lives, but also meet like-minded Catholic women who are devoted to their families and live their faith, who make 'faith and family' a priority and not just 'Catholic in name only'.

I hear all over the media and all around me the Culture of Death, that my way of life is backwards. Still, I persist in my values and my beliefs, and try my best to live my faith each day. Why? Because faith comes at a price, and living my faith is the only appropriate answer to such a heavy price. It is also a way of honoring my ancestors, to honor their faith. And to honor my family history, my living relatives, and to remember those who have fallen away from their faith (including my husband), so I live my Catholic faith for him as well.

Just wish I knew more "IRL" like me. But when I am asked how I do it all, how I take care of my little one with special needs, manage working at home, managing my home, cooking, cleaning, errands, a hobby (making rosaries), volunteer work, and my husband's heavy work hours (60 or more a week) .... my faith keeps me strong, connected, and keeps me going. I attend Mass each Sunday with my aunt, try to pray at least the Divine Mercy chaplet every day, and if I can I try also to pray the Rosary and to remember the intentions and concerns of family, friends, and the forgotten ones of Christ.

I still enjoy learning about other religions and cultures - I love to learn. But I already have my 'boat' ....

About Me

Links

STARS
Ladies Against Feminism
Catholic Mom Devotions
Aid for Friends
Priests for Life