It's early morning, and both boys are still asleep. I have the time to blog, but the most interesting parts of the day have yet to happen!

I'm headed into my 12th week of pregnancy . . . it's went by so fast! There is a little bump, when I stretch to put away dishes on the middle shelf, against the counter-top that reminds me that I'm pregnant. I always go crazy and sleep the first 2.5 months on my stomach - no other time of my life do I sleep this way! That's past, now, too. Last night, when we played Ring-Around-The-Rosey and all "fell down" I was a bit slower getting up. I'm starting to feel pregnant, even if I don't look it quite yet!

I wonder how much my age effects how I'm doing this pregnancy, and how much is simply having two boys to take care of as well as myself and Jonathan? The morning sickness is waning (most days) and time marches on. I'm so excited to be pregnant again!

Elijah is healthy again. He's putting on weight. Last night, he ate an entire bannana, part of a plum, and a half a handful of graham cracker bears. Where does he put it all? I don't have a clue.

Samuel is learning by leaps and bounds. This boy of ours loves to sing! There isn't a bit of problem with the first part of church, because he's waiting on pins and needles for the song director to say "Hymn number . . . . ." He's the first one to grab his hymnal and he belts out the songs joyfully. At first we worried about distrubing people around us, but they seem to find it endearing, so we let him sing away. He even holds notes at the end of verses - it's truely adorable.

I was only kidding about my "Will I Be Able To Homeschool?" post. Honest. His arguements are truely a bright spot to the day . . . and he is like a sponge right now. There is no way to stop teaching him!

Elijah is pulling himself up on things now, and Samuel gets giddy with excitment. "Walk! Mommy, Yi-ya walk!!" I can't imagine two of them mobile, chasing each other through the house. While it's been important that Samuel stay in the same room with me, it's going to be even more important that both of them stay in the same room with me, so that they don't divide and destroy the house when I'm distracted.

Yesterday, Elijah was fussing in the backseat. Jonathan reached in the back and let Elijah grab his finger. Within seconds, our blue-eyed boy was sound asleep. It was so precious! He just needed to not feel alone, I guess!

Since Jonathan has been on a cash-only budget for over a month now it has helped him to keep track of his spending and limit it in a wonderful way. I'm not thinking about what he buys anymore and wondering how it will effect our credit card bill, and we've actually stuck to our budgeted spending amount!!!! I think this might have been the final key to our finances. It also encourages me mightily to stick to my budget as well, and overall it's been wonderful. We might just meet (or exceed!) our savings goal for one of the few times in the past four years, which hopefully encourages us to keep going.

I have pictures to post, but left the camera at Jonathan's parent's house.

Both boys are awake, so I should go . . . .

~Ashley~

Thank You Jesus For Everything!

By selflessness you fulfill yourself. By generously giving you gather riches.

Resentment costs you much and gives you nothing. Forgiveness costs you nothing and sets you free.

Fighting against something gives it added strength and influence. Whatever you accept, you're able to control.

When there's no one telling you what to do is when you truly learn. When your thoughts are still, you gain great insight.

By being flexible you can remain firm. By knowing your limitations you're able to transcend them.

Though some of life is bad, all of life is good. Be at peace in this moment, and you will always be.

-- Ralph Marston

Father give us ALL that peace which comes from you that is beyond our understanding. Take all the fears and doubts away for they don't accomplish any thing good. I bless and Thank You for hearing this prayer as all created in your image come to know you in a unique way.        In Jesus' Holy Name!!

I am on the road to health,healing and right standing with my Heavenly Father, rilda

Recently, though, Samuel’s attitude has come into play. VERY tongue in cheek, I’ve started to wonder what the future holds.

I’m stubborn, and my wonderful husband can be very stubborn, too. So it’s only natural that our children have these stubborn streaks a mile wide. They get it from being human, I think.

Anyway, about a month ago, Samuel and I had this argument about colors. I was trying to helpfully teach him the different colors since he had expressed interest. However, he became utterly determined that everything he saw was going to be yellow. For a while, no other color seemed to exist for him!

He also grasps the concept of 1, 2 . . . . . and 5. So, today at breakfast, I got the bright idea to try to fill in the gap. I went and picked up three matchbox cars, and put two on the table. Problem is, he saw me pick up three, and set down two, so he was too distracted to focus on the words coming out of my mouth.

Finally, I helpfully prompted him. “Are there two cars, Samuel?”

“Yeah.”

I put the third car on the table, to his great relief. “Now how many are there?”

He studied them carefully. I tried to help again.

“One, two . . .”

“Nine!”

Where that number comes from, I don’t know. He must have pulled it randomly from his memory.  We proceeded to argue about what the third car should be called – nine or three.

“One, two, thr(“nine”!)ee.”

Boy, my son can sure argue! It amuses me, because I’m sure sometimes I’m just as certain that I have the right answer, or I totally try to bluff God when I’m just guessing as well.

The part that concerns me is the future. Is this going to become habit? I can see myself years from now . . . .

“In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue . . .”

“No, mom. I’m pretty sure it was 1592.”

“Um, son, I’m reading this out of a book. It’s 1492.”

“Whatever. It was 1592.”

“1492.”

“1592.”

“1492!!”

Hahahahaha . . . . . . I love my eldest son . . . . .

One “Old German” – or something like that. An yellow heirloom. My *worst* plant so far, very spindly!

One “Cherokee Purple” – heirloom, supposed to be the ugliest, best tasting tomato around. Loaded with neat looking, zebra-striped green fruits right now that should turn purple.

Two “Sun Leapers” – I had such marvelous tomatoes with this last year. Then I had all the volunteers come up so I have LOTS!

One “Health Kick” – why not? I think if I remember right it’s supposed to have extra lycopine or whatnot.

Two “Husky Reds” – I don’t remember why I picked these out, either.

Two “Keepsakes” – Again, I was having fun and if I don’t try them, I won’t know if I don’t like them.

Well, of all the plants I put in, my “Health Kick” plant has yielded two red tomatoes already. They are the oblong shape of a Roma, but I’m not that picky. I didn’t know they were paste-type tomatoes when I bought the plant, but it doesn’t really matter anyway.

The tomatoes aren’t bright, bright red but I picked them anyway as we are due for a bunch of rain and I don’t want them to swell with extra water and dilute the flavor . . . I’ll probably cut one up today with a bit of salt and just eat it up!

Thank You Jesus For Everything!

You are worth the trouble and effort required to make your life the best it can possibly be. There is so very much you have to express, to give, to experience and to contribute to the magnificent fabric of life.

You are worth the discomfort and frustration that you'll regularly need to get through. You are worth the pain that the world will sometimes offer.

For within you is the capacity for great joy and astounding achievement. Within you are beautiful and worthy dreams that long to be fulfilled.

You are one of a kind and you are filled with a driving purpose. You are worth whatever it takes to give that special purpose a lasting and meaningful expression.

Yes, the disappointments, inconveniences, pains, problems and annoyances will surely and steadily come. Yet they are indeed quite trivial compared to the precious possibilities that live within you.

Make whatever efforts necessary, endure whatever setbacks you must, move forward through whatever challenges may come along. For there is no question that you are worth it.

-- Ralph Marston

Just wanted to share!! Have a blessed and powerful day.

Love and Blessings, rilda

I woke up pondering my thoughts today. We slept much better last night, so my head seems clearer.

My attitude has been, ‘Lord, if I wasn’t pregnant, I could have done this! I could have handled it!”

Like He really wanted me to handle it by myself!!!

If I wasn’t pregnant, I would have been a little less exhausted by broken sleep.

If I wasn’t pregnant, I probably wouldn’t have had the nausea issues standing in my way of drinking more fluids and trying to boost my milk supply so rapidly.

I wouldn’t have felt near so helpless and perhaps even prayed a bit less. I tend to have this mental image of myself as this very strong, capable woman. I manage and I cope and deep down inside, I figure if I don’t bother God with the little things, He’ll listen more when I need Him when the really big problems arise. He doesn’t need to be bothered with all my petty “complaints”. I can make it – I’ll muscle through it.

It's sinking in . . . God wants me to rely on Him. He wants to be my strength. He wants me to realize my own frailty and inadequacy and lean on the Rock. When I am weak, He is strong. It's okay to be weak. It's okay to be dependant on Him . . . . I don't have to "manage" by myself.

I look back and see how the events of the last three years have shaped me in a major way. I had so many assumptions and such a wonderful image of myself. I was the perfect, capable wife . . . and I knew it . . . . I wanted to control things and stay safe and comfortable and within my control.

And then our first pregnancy moved me into a realm I couldn’t control, and I moved relentlessly towards an event I couldn’t mentally fathom – labor and holding a newborn child in my arms. I knew fear for the first time in years and took baby-steps towards God. It was like learning to pray all over again as I learned a small lesson in humility.

The miscarriage brought me face-to-face with the fact that I’m a vessel; and I can’t control or hold onto the life within me.

Elijah’s conception, in my humble opinion at the time, was terrible timing. His pre-term arrival introduced me to a whole new level of dependence on God and I discovered that I’m really not as faithful as I think I am when things venture outside of what I feel is “normal”. And now I look at my son, and I know that God does all things well. I'm so thankful for Elijah, and that I trusted God's timing and didn't wait to feel healed mentally and emotionally before "risking" pregnancy again. God healed me, and taught me that He is always in control, even when we aren't . . . .

Right now, I forget how startled I was when I wasn’t due a month earlier, in December. I didn’t know that I would face something so scary with Elijah at 10+ weeks when I saw those breathtaking double lines. Who can plan for such things? God did know the future – He wasn’t surprised. I wonder to myself if He allowed much of this so that I would not walk these valleys alone on my own strength, so that I would not take “my” fertility and each child for granted, so that I would learn to depend on Him . . . .

When we decided to let go and take as many or as few children as God would give, we also began to desire to live more by faith. God gives life, He has given Jonathan a job, He has given us all that we have. We want to trust God through everything, to live by faith and not by what we see with our eyes.

I just didn't expect to start learning to trust Him through anything difficult so soon . . . .

~Ashley~

 [Elijah before he got sick, with his wrinkled-nose smile that I find so adorable. This isn't a great picture - it gets much more wrinkled but it's the best I've captures so far.]

He has also gotten his appetite back! He is very obviously craving different foods than normal, Cherrios rather than fruit or a piece of bread of some kind, but we are happy none-the-less to see our boy eating well again.

 [Also pre-illness.]

Also he has started to drink some goat’s milk with a bit of water. This child is fiercely independent! If we hold the sippy cup in front of him, he will usually decide to drink. But if we try to put it in his mouth, he fights. It sounds like a no-brainer, but it is very easy to brush a bottle nipple or a sippy cup nozzle against your child’s lips!

 [Recovering Elijah stood up in his crib for the first time today. He was not happy I ran for the camera!!!! Where has my little baby gone?]

We laughed some today. It felt so good and “normal”. It’s been pretty tense for the last few days and sleep-deprived nights and to be light-hearted was wonderful.

 [Recovering, he played with his brother for the first time in several days.]

This would have been so much easier if I were not 10+ weeks pregnant. At times, I wasn’t thrilled to be pregnant with Samuel, and with Elijah I thought the timing was rotten. And it has crossed my mind with this pregnancy as well that the timing is just terrible! I have wondered aloud to Jonathan if anything about having children is going to be easy for us. As I told someone in a comment today, we are simply trusting God with each moment and breath, and in the end, I guess we will know what we can and cannot trust Him with!

[Recovering AND eating! Yay!]

Just trying to be honest, here.

Secondly, to all of the thoughtful people that have commented and kept us in your prayers, thank you! I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have your support. You guys are my network of friends. I read each comment, sometimes twice or three times. I wish I had time to respond to each one, to visit old friends and new. Right now I balance between trying to “do it all” and simply maintaining my own blog in this season of life. I am addicted a little bit to comments, and I really enjoy sharing these bits of my life with you. Thank you so much for reaching out to me, old friends and new.

A few of you, I feel like I need to explain a bit more to:

Mamato8: I visit your blog. However, Google hates me. I end up re-configuring my password 95% of the time I try to log in. It’s a dreadful, time-consuming pain, lol. And I’m dreadful at commenting by the time I fight my way into your blog. Also, I just found the comment where you mentioned my midwife – she is a sweetie. J But when the chips are down, she is very direct – and I don’t mind a bit! I haven’t recorded our wonderful conversations, only snippets I remember from the heat of labor and delivery, which as I said, are typically very direct and to-the-point. J

Clare: THANK YOU for your comments. Every time I get an email notification in the mail that says “Clare has left you a comment” I just squeal. Lord willing, one day we will live closer together. Thank you for taking the time to leave me comments.

To Everyone Else:  Thank you. Thank you, thank you! Don’t stop leaving me comments because I appear ungratefully silent in return . . . I’m just busy. God bless!

[Elijah stuffing his face tonight . . . so delightful to have our boy responsive and alert again!]

~Ashley~

...for a little while, Elijah, my 9mo, has had 3 febrile seizures between 9pm and 2pm. I think we've brought his temp down for good, we were at the ER (sans insurance) for about 4 hours early this morning and they could basically tell us he has no signs of infection and is mildly dehydrated, which of course we are trying to remedy!

We pretty much know what brought this on (hindsight is so 20/20!), - it's just getting to the other side now that we have to manage! He was running a low fever and we were out in the summer heat and humidity for an event yesterday for multiple hours, and even in the shade, we think it deyhdrated him and caused his body temperature to spike more than he could handle. His first seizure was at 100.5F and looking back, the Teylenol didn't dent his fever, but it soothed our minds so we were not expecting to be awoken at 2am with more seizures.

Febrile seizures are rare enough and multiple episodes for one illness or whatever is even more rare.

Please keep us in your prayers, seisures are very terrifiying to deal with . . . . . as am sure some might know!

~Ashley~

God knew what He was doing when He put us together.

Yesterday, my husband took off work early to help my dad and a neighbor bale straw in square bales. They worked for probably three hours on the fickle baler in the middle of a hot field without shade. They worked long past nightfall, baling, loading and unloading trailers of straw.

For some reason, sweat and dirt mingled on this man draws me like some kind of magnet. I want to touch him, to smell him, to just soak in his totally strong, male vibes. I love it when he works hard, and I respect him tremendously because he is not afraid to work hard.

My man was turned red by the sun but not burnt, and fell into bed exhausted but very, very happy, telling me about bolts sheering and other details of the days’ work. He wants to do it again Saturday, but I don't know if weather will permit . . . .

It is so hard not to just completely rely on this man in life’s rough moments. He is so strong, so dependable. And I love how when I try to lean on his strength and faith, he always supports me while gently pointing out that I should be relying on God, not him.

He knows me so well!

I love how strong he is mentally. He balances my creativity and optimism. I always prayed for a man that would be able to stand up to me because I can be very pushy at times! Earlier this month, when I was being underhanded and a shade emotional, arguing for what I wanted, he told me how hard it is to deny me anything.

He said something to the effect “I love you. When you get like this the hardest thing in the world is to deny you – I want to give you everything you want, right now. But I know I’m right. No.”

And I fell in love all over again. And the next morning I woke up and knew he was perfectly right. By a week later, I was pretty thankful that he’d said “no”.

See that ring? He’s all mine.

I love you, babe. I hope you read this in your little office dungeon and get all embarrassed. I should shout your praises to the world more often . . . and how much I love you.

~Ashley~