Angie's Answer

I'm Here

Well I am back.  Back again and not quite sure where to begin after such a long time away.  I guess I should start from the beginning.  My purpose in this blog was to gain support from others as I tried to gain control over my weight.  And to have a written history telling the story which hopefully is leading up to victory; that I might share with others one day, who are where I am now. 

I feel like a natural diaster has happened, my thinking has been shaken again and I am not sure what I am doing.  Everything looked good on the outside.  I was loosing weight, although slowly, but it was a good steady decrease.  Then as if a volcano had been brewing below the surface, my behavoir just went wild.  I think it may have been preparing for the trip home that started the activity on the rictor scale.  Going home is a wonderful thing for me, but it also brings up a lot of insecurities in this area of self esteem/ weight loss.  As I tried to figure out what I was going to wear whilein SC and thus what I should pack in the suitcase, two things happened.  #1) I lost my true focus and tried to be stricter diet-wise in hopes of loosing just a few more pounds before I got home .... thinking people could see then that I have been trying to loose weight.  #2)  I blew it instead and emotionally overate, sobatoging myself even before left on the trip.

While I was there I ate horribly.  There were lots of sweets around and I fell right into that trap again.

Whaaaaaa! That's me crying.  Actually I am not at the moment.  But I have a few times over the last few days.  I have been back home in VA (back from SC) now 3 weeks, and I still can not get the mindset I had before.  I've been to work out only once and on a few walks, but for the most part I have stopped exercising.  So how am I doing? HORRIBLE!  That is what confuses me the most.  If I feel so horrible ... I am aching again every morning, with my hands going to sleep around 4 am every night.  I'm not sleeping well.  My eyes are puffy again, every day etc. etc.  I have gained 1/2 of what I lost back too. And I miss my workout time listening to Godly teachings.  That was a sweet time with the Lord.  So what I was saying is It confuses me why I keep overeating.  I know that there is sooo much more joy and peace when I am self-controlled.  I know that I physically feel better and wake up energized.  I know when I get back on track that I will say to myself  "This is easy and satisfying, what made it so hard to begin?"  But right now I feel like I have fallen in a huge, dark, evil pit.  I know there is a rope to climb up dangling somewhere here in the dark, because I have used it before.  But right now I just can't seem to put my hands on the rope.  I grap and grap but it seems to not be there.  That's how the trying to start over every morning and not making it past noon before I binge feels! 

In case you are wondering if I am okay.  Yes I am mentally stable.  But I am very angry with me.  I am not doing what is best for me.  I am being led, not by the spirit of the Lord, in this area and I know I have power to overcome by the blood of Jesus..... .... but for some stupid reason I refuse to do it WITH ALL MY HEART.  That is the key.  I have cried out but not with my whole heart. 

One of these days I will learn to walk in victory.  I still believe that.  But for now there is a lie I have to recognize and line it up next to the Word of God and decide which one I will choose to believe with my actions.  Please pray for me my cyber friends.  I need it!

me too!

02:29, Friday, June 20, 2008 .. Posted by sweetie

Angie,
I too battle weight. One of the things I am finding as my last 25 lbs is gone is that I am an emotional eater. I eat when I am stressed for approval, when my original family stresses me (parents, sibling) or I am worried about their approval. I swell with salt/sugar and preservatives.
The thing that is working for me is absolutely having protein for breakfast...serious protein whether yogurt with whey protein powder to up it, bacon and eggs, or meat....then I am not emotionally tied up for 3 hours, nor snack hungry from the sugars, and giving up sugar free stuff ended my hunger after 4 days. I was into TAB and diet products which kept me seriously hungry gnawing all the time.
After I got through giving up sugar free which seemed impossible....then I eat 1500 calories to 1600 calories for comparison....but much more when I am stomach hungry not emotionally hungry. Sugar and carbs send me into emotional places I don't want to go from feelings of worthlessness to tears to anger...so I know now to balance ANY carb with protein at the same time so I don't have a sugar crash in the bloodstream.
God indeed will help you have an appetite for what you need and help you turn to him when its for other reasons you eat.
You are so worthwhile, work on loving yourself, for truly only God has to approve of you and He already loves you where ever you are!
hugs hugs hugs
Sweetie