Abundant Blessings Homestead

A sad anniversary

Today marks one year since our babe went to the arms of Jesus at 11 weeks gestation.
If you had told me a year ago that I would be able to talk about our babe without sobbing, I'd have laughed at you. My emotions were so raw. I so missed our babe. And all that we had planned and thought of for that babe. He (we say he...no clue if we were carrying a boy or a girl)....was already so very loved.

I think one of the hardest things I heard was my Honey saying that we'd never get to hold his hand when we pray before we eat. We had already imagined his little body sitting with us as we said thank you to the Lord before eating our meals. We always hold hands while praying, and then kiss the hands of the person on either side of us.

I missed that little round headed person. I missed newborn baby smells. I missed hearing those first little sounds from our babe. I missed snuggling in bed with our babe and my Honey. I missed sleeping soundly with our babe tucked in between us. I missed waddling my pregnant body around. I missed giving birth. I missed holding my baby. I missed nursing my baby. I missed...I missed...I missed it all.

But, through this loss, I also found. I found a new bond in my Honey. I found a new strength within myself. I found an even closer relationship with my children. I found they grew even closer too.  I found a deeper compassion for others who had experienced the same loss. I found a deeper relationship with my Lord. I found so much in what I lost.

I found myself thinking that I would never be able to give that babe up willingly...but yet take for granted that my Lord gave up His son so that I could live with Him forever. What grace and mercy. To give up His only son to be beaten and tortured..treated so horribly....by the very ones He was there to save.

It has been a long, sometimes very hard year. We have dubbed it our year of trials. And trials we did have. But, each one strengthened us. Each one drew us closer, to each other and to God. Life has a way of making you stronger, if you let it. Instead of running from our trials, we faced them head on, together.

Yes, I have shed many a tear today. Just in my imagining..and wishing. I have listened to my favorite song, and the one that got me through this storm...Praise You In This Storm...and cried along with it so many times...today. And today, I have thanked the Lord for the blessings He has given me...and there are many. Beginning right here in my home...my Honey..oh what can I say about my rock? He would completely lay down his life for me. He does, in a sense, every day. And my children? I have the most incredible children. Who am I to ask for more??

It was a hard day..but not as hard as I had anticipated. I got through it the same way I got through all of the trials of the last year...with prayer, family and friends. God has indeed been good to me.

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{ 07:25, Thursday, February 14, 2008 } { Posted by stitchnchick }

My heart goes out to you, and I share your pain. The anniversary of the loss of our baby daughter was February 8th. It's been nine years, and I still miss all of those things you described.

((Hugs))

Amy

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{ 07:31, Thursday, February 14, 2008 } { Posted by Agsd7 }

A very touching post. I understand too and my heart goes out to you, and I'm so glad that you have been able to come through this with such a sweet and humble heart. What a great encouragement and example to us all.

God bless you.

~Alie

Thank you

{ 10:20, Thursday, February 14, 2008 } { Posted by fcusick }

Thank you for sharing.

Blessings,
Flossie

Last year....

{ 08:59, Friday, February 15, 2008 } { Posted by Jonash2004 }

....was our year of trials as well. I misscarried in Jan. The pain of that *still* makes me sob and run my hands over the quilt a friend made me for a memorial. It hangs in my sons' room. I would have thought having another baby since then would help more, but the pain is so seperate from everything else. It's like a secret, deep place I hold very close inside myself.

Then in October our second baby boy arrived 5 weeks early and spent 12 days in the NICU. To go home and walk around with my arms empty, to wake up in the middle of the night and pump my milk instead of snuggling with my little one .... the seperation was so brutal and we were an hour from the hospital and we had to have babysitting for our 18mo because he wasn't allowed in. I got to see my baby for 1-3 hours per day!!! Almost every time I walked away it was like tearing my heart out.

(This son was born at home, so I was never admitted to the hospital or it would have certainly been different with visiting.)

I never would have said I was capable of making it through such difficult things. I sort of look back on the last year and see the woman who made it through and say Was that me????

God used these trials to show me how weak I really am and how strong He is. He is truely all I need.

Thank you for sharing....and giving me a place to share things I've been pondering lately.

Blessings,
Ashley

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{ 09:53, Friday, February 15, 2008 } { Posted by gabbie427 }

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, but I can see now how God is using you and your story to touch other's lives and help them. Look at all the comments here and how you have touched them, some went through something similar and can understand, some just understand loss, and others just were touched by the story. Keep up the good work and continue in your healing over your babe!!!

God's Blessings,
Amy Jo