Thunderwolf Ranch

A big scare for me prayer needed badly, please pray

Today my Dr's nurse called me to tell that my pap was off.  I have to go in to see him in the morning.  I am worried.  I wish I had answers. I am worried, that it is cancer. Why else would I have to come in asap, and have another pap done?

 I was working in the garage when I found out, I called hubby to tell him, he was on the way to a football game.

Did he come home ? nope. I had a a hard time with him going because he promised  me before he went to go do anything with anyone else , he would do something with me 1st. I had my truck break down , one freezer died, the big one in the back yard. So we paid  for those. I had to tap into his work money, So I told him I would feel bad going to Disneyland as we planned, how could I tell his work sorry I could pay you all we owe you because   we went Disneyland and it cost close to $500.00 for the day , I would feel bad to do that.  I told him that and asked how he felt about it, he said he felt that way too. I did not do something I was promised for 3 years do to money and so it would not cause problems at work for him. I told him everything about how I feel about not getting what I have been promised for7+ years and that it is not fair for him to go do things with other people or give his time to others until he keeps his word to me.I told him how bad it hurts me when he will not make time for me but will for others. If I could give up disneyland , he should be able to give up something too.

He asked  what should he do? I told him blow them off like he does me!. I am so hurt and lost. He went to the football gave 2&1/2 hours aways. He again chose other people over me. Then I call him and tell  what the Dr's nurse said I am worried it might be cancer , why else go in why else testing???

I am so important to him the call was lost , he did not call me back( I was verrrry upset on the phone crying major) did he call me back nope.

Did he come home to hold me ? comfort  me ? cry with me? tell me it will be ok NO. I sat in my garage for over an hour crying alone. I called my one girlfriend and talked to he voice mail, she heard my voice and that was all it took for her to call me back when she got home.  God is great he had my best friend of 23 yrs call me, she is getting ready to come our here at the drop of a hat, just a call and she will be here. She live a few states away is  a single mom, works hard just to get by, but she will drop it all for me.  God is great.

But not my hubby. It shows me I do not mean much to him. his actions speak louder than any word he can say.

What am I to do?

who will care for my babies?

who will school them?

who will carry on our animal rescue?

who will help them  will life? with female things? being a mom? a wife?

Who will be there for them?

Who can replace me?

hubby has told me before that if I die he would hire a nanny to raise the girls.

I am praying and asking God to let it all be ok,let it be a false alarm, to be something the Dr's can fix  if it is Gods will , to be a testimony for others, to learn and grow from it, to live fully despite it, to let me finish my job of raising Godly children, to see all of my grand children, to see my babies get married, to see my babies be a mom.  To watch their children grow.

Well I am trying to eat dinner then I am going to bed, I feel like yuk(saying it nicely). It is 9:30 and hubby still has not called me. It would be nice to hear from him , to have him tell me he loves me ,it will be ok , he is here for me , anything, anything at all. It would be nice fro him to show me he cares too, I would have loved for him to turn around from the drive to the game to come be with me at this time, or to drop of the other guys and tell them to ride home with the other guys and come be with me, To put me 1st with this not his friends, employees or a dang football game.

How can something that may change my life be less important the football of the other people? Why are they more important than me?

Is it just me being selfish wanting him here with me during this?

When he comes home the damage will be done , he can not fix it. He made his choice and it is not me. He will come home and go to bed, I will be trying to sleep but do not know if I can, I am verry scared and crying so much. I might be able to cry myself to sleep  alone on a day I found out , my pap was bad  to come in asap for more testing. I told my babies (14 & 16 yrs old) they are praying.

I need to get this all of my chest. Why it bothers me on him going places and vacations spend time with other people,is because he gives away my vacation time he promises to me to his  mom or other people. He just thinks I will be here forever he can make up for lost time latter in in life. I just want to be someone to him, someone loved, to be more than a nothing. That is how I feel like a nothing.

Please pray for me.

God Bless all m.j.

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{ 05:02, 2006-Dec-29 } { Posted by BlueApple }

I'm so sorry you are scared...I'm a worrier by nature so I can understand. But, there are many reasons for an abnormal pap and it can be an easy fix and doesn't always mean cancer. Your doctor is being prudent in getting another and further tests. I know it's empty words, but try not to worry about something you don't even know yet. If you are a spiritual person give your worry to God and trust that all will be well. I'll be praying for you today. God Bless,
Julia

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{ 09:38, 2006-Dec-29 } { Posted by shelley43022 }

Please don't panic. I had several bad paps in a row and it turns out I was just having an alergic reaction to the pill. A simple 5 minute procedure and I was all better. I hope you feel better soon:)

joyfull homemaker

Rest and pray

{ 02:11, 2006-Dec-29 } { Posted by MrsBurns }

Some of those tests aren't calibrated right and they show up abnormal when everything is really OK. A second test will show that, I'm sure. Don't worry.

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{ 04:54, 2006-Dec-29 } { Posted by Kitty }

I know what you are going through. I had the same thing happen to me. I had all the same thoughts that your having. My mom had breast and ovarian cancers. So of corse the worst things popped into my mind.
Mine ended up being pre-cancer cells. A procedure in his office took care of it. Just keep a positive attitude and have Faith that God knows what is best.
Kitty