“Even the most good-natured and godly people tend to make me or my husband feel slightly ashamed to not be "planning" or "spacing" and at the worst extreme we have those who think we are downright irresponsible.

Let's be clear: it's not that we just enjoy pregnancy and nursing and toddlerhood SO much. And it isn't exactly a cup of tea to be training and schooling and (mostly) chasing small children all day. I don't enjoy spending my day being clawed at, jumped on, and clung to (although I do enjoy cuddling with my children in reasonable amounts!).

While parenting is definitely rewarding, most of the time it is just plain hard. And the idea that someone would assume we have a child roughly every 18 months because we're either stupid or irresponsible or lazy is a bit annoying. Considering how easy and convenient it is to use birth control, why would anyone sign up for the four, four and under situation we're in right now? We're not stupid, and we're generally not irresponsible, and with four kids in the house who can be lazy?
So maybe it's because we are trying the best we can to obey God and reflect His Son in our marriage and family. And if that means obeying him in an area that makes us completely counter-cultural, even in the church, than so be it.

When we came to this conviction, before we were married, it was still an unknown. We could've been infertile for all we knew. The point was to accept God's will, either way. I freely admit that having three babies in five years (soon to be four) has certainly caused my faith to waver--I've even had doubts about whether or not this is truly a "blessing". But I definitely refuse the torture of deciding for myself and never knowing what lessons, and trials, and blessings I missed because of my refusal to submit to God when His Spirit spoke to me about this issue.

Every single day is another opportunity to die to self and obey God, and serve. Every single pregancy is a little death for me. If I had control I would sure do it differently, but I'm just not convinced, (no matter how many well meaning talks we get) that I'm the one that is meant to be in control.

Where did we get this in control attitude if not from the idea of birth control and abortion!? If we can end life or avoid life, than why not decide when it begins, too? In fact, the control issue has been extended into *self-righteousness* for some people who would look down on others for *not* controlling their family size. Which we sometimes experience first hand.”

 "Every single pregnancy is a little death for me." Amen. Amen! Not my will, but Yours . . . . and I find joy in that. Really. Not because my pregnancies are just easier for me, but in the struggle of becoming more Christ-like. Nothing worthwhile is really easy. Not a marriage, not having children.

“I'm becoming more aware that there is a group of people out there who idolize the "quiverful" idea. They elevate large families, and an anti-all planning mentality onto a pedestal. For some it's probably become a "work" that they offer up to God to make themselves more acceptable, and some have been caught up in legalism in this area. I hope, by the grace of God, we will never fall into that trap.
This is certainly not a "work" that I feel makes me more acceptable to God. If anything this "work" exposes how ugly my sin really is, how quick it is to surface, and how often I need His grace every day.”

Remember my post yesterday where I realized I can’t have it all? Anyone hear an echo?

“As Christians, we can't have it all. We are called as disciples of Christ to take up our cross and follow Him. What that means will be different and unique for everyone. For us, it meant sacrificing our time, money, dreams, self-centered goals, and I suppose the good opinion of others, in order to follow Christ.”

I needed to hear this so badly today. It’s so refreshing! And truly, it’s where my heart is. Wherever God places me (although some might say I made this choice myself) is the best place I can be. My passion is serving God, although some might think it's small children and babies.

“When I stop to think about what else I would be doing right now if I didn't have all these kids at my ankles, my previous dreams and goals seem pretty empty and meaningless in comparison with obedience to God, a closer relationship with Him, and the opportunity to raise up (and be humbled by) children, who, Lord-willing, will become godly men and women, who will someday, Lord-willing, come to know Jesus as their Lord and Saviour and help to advance His kingdom.”

The entire article can be found HERE. The whole thing is just wonderfully well written and has so many good points! I don’t want to make this post insanely long, but here are some other good points speaking on Some Subtle Effects Of the Birth Control Culture. Again, the whole thing is crazy good, but I’ll just share a few points here.

• #2- "Was it planned?" is no longer deemed a rude and quite personal question, but in fact, is seen as a natural question...

...because, the way our culture sees it, it is up to us to "plan" when life will begin according to our own time tables and goals. The abortion-on-demand mindset tells us that we can control when life ends, so why not believe that we have full control of when it begins as well?

• #3- Children are often seen, and even referred to, as an "accident".

Perhaps you've been fortunate enough to not ever have actually heard someone call their child by such an insulting description (an "oops baby", or "our little accident")... but it's all too common. Linked to the idea above, this whole notion is a natural attitude when we believe that we are the ones in control of life.

• #4- Large families are often seen as incredible (and thus, put on an undeserved pedestal) or insane (and thus, sneered at behind their backs)...

...because once you can control how many "little buggars" you get, someone who has more than the two (or maybe three, if your first two are of the same gender) MUST be either Mother Teresa, or one step away from the loony bin.

• #6- By extension, because they "chose" their family size, the larger-than-average family is often expected to never lack, to never struggle with discipline, to never be tired, etc.... even by Brothers and Sisters in Christ.

Don't believe me? Think again.

If a two-year-old in a family of seven children has tantrums or is wearing mismatched clothes, it's because "the mom is spread too thin". But if that same child is the only child of two doting parents, it's because "bless his heart; he's a normal two-year-old" and because independent little two-year-olds love to pick out their own clothes.

If a mother of three children is exhausted as she's pregnant with her fourth, it's likely to be met with an "I told you so" attitude from those who have already inappropriately shared their thoughts about family size. And she rarely gets sympathy. More likely, she'll get a "you made your bed, now lie in it" perspective from most of the people around her. But a first time mother struggling with morning sickness gets sympathetic comments and offers for how others can help.

And lest you think I'm just whining as a mom of four, I'm really not... I'm just stating things the way I've plainly seen them. And these are things I hear from many of you, my friends and readers.”

These last, #3 and #6 are what prompted my post about trying to do it all yesterday. It’s very true, these attitudes. I have no desire to be seen as a saint, or Super Woman, but on the other hand neither do I want to make myself vulnerable to “Well, you know it’s only going to be worse with more/three!”-type of warnings.  I'd settle for being seen as capable, through God's grace, of taking care of the children He is giving us.

“How are you doing?” becomes not a simple, routine question – but it transforms into “How are you managing? Are you really doing okay with two and being pregnant again? Aren’t you worn out and ready to stop yet?”

*sigh*

It’s so lovely to read things like this. Thank you, dear blogging-people I have never met, for “getting it”. Thank you for writing, and reaching across the distance through my computer and encouraging me so greatly today.

God bless,

~Ashley~

P.S. More good reading:

Marriage Without Children

Addendum

Blessing or Curse?

Pro-life or just anti-abortion?

Christians, Pro-Life or Just Anti-Abortion?

My last post of the day, promise!

I have two climbers in the house now. Here is photographic proof!

Isn't that so cool? Granted, I have to keep a closer eye on him now, but I think it's wonderful that he's growing up and exploring and wow . . . that's quite a climb!

How to give piggy-back rides to two boys at once (Elijah did really enjoy it, I think he was confused as to why I was getting in the way with the camera!):

Playing together:

They giggle, and giggle . . . and giggle some more!

It's funny. Samuel is so small compared to Jonathan that I tend to think of him as little. Until it's just him and me - and he's half my size! Then Elijah is so small compared to Samuel, that I tend to think of him as little . . . but he acts so big! I love to listen to Elijah chatter. His facial expressions just knock me over sometimes - so descriptive!

Some of my favorite Samuel quotes:

"Oh. my. word!" (Said just like me. Cracks me up every single time!)

"Sorry, Mommy!" (Said when I've dropped something or smashed a finger - he's so sympathetic!)

And lastly, about the most wonderful thing that's happened between the brothers lately ... Samuel was throwing a soft ball at Elijah. He hit Elijah in the face, and Elijah started to cry. After a moment, Samuel said "Sorry, Yi-ya!"

Elijah kept crying.

Samuel ran into the kitchen, grabbed his brother's sippy cup of milk out of the fridge, and ran back and handed it to him. Elijah accepted the milk, and was consoled.

I was just so touched that he thought to apologize on his own, and then took the extra step to try to make him feel better. What a big brother!

~Ashley~

Okay, here are some of the pictures I promised Friday. Excepting the van. I don't have pictures of it - sorry. Let it suffice to say that I greatly enjoy it, and the best part is loading the boys into it. I don't have to fight gravity and my ever-expanding abdomen to tuck children down into the back of a car anymore!

My back is very happy!

Here is my Sweetheart lamp - I've had it since I was 15 or 16yo. I seem to remember it being $35?

Here is a lamp I found at a garage sale last year. It came complete with a "Made in Mexico" sticker on the bottom - I like it anyway!

Here is probably a favorite. Don't ask me where I found it - I no longer remember!

Okay, onto the lamps I just purchased . . . . the big ones were $2.50 and the small ones $1. So I took them all and made the nice older lady very happy. And yes, we took our boys and let them crawl around on her carpet for a while.

As we left, she told me that our boys were very well behaved. That was nice to hear! I told her that I try to nip things in the bud, and if I don't want three children doing it, I don't let the first one get away with it.

She said "Well, if you start the way you're going to keep going, you're a whole lot better off."

This statement reminded me strongly of this post. It made me happy to hear the same advice in person!

The Walmart Lamp, and the Green Lamp:

The green one still as a BUNCH of rust on it. I think it must have been splendid new . . . the top part looks blown and the bottom half probably molded, but that is merely my best guess.

My little lamps.

Again, I couldn't get all the rust off of the one on the left. The other two are Lamp Light lamps that are no longer made. I think they are so cute!

My "find" - which is a P&A/Eagle burner lamp from probably around 1915-1925:

This lamp is *gorgeous*! As soon as I saw how the burner unscrewed, I knew what I was handling was an old, quality lamp. Okay, 'tis 100 years old, not 200yo, but that's good enough for me. It's old, and I love it!!!!!

There is one more lamp, but I can't get the blue dye out of the bottom yet. So it's still soaking away in my sink, awaiting my next bright idea to clean it. I don't think it is anything in particular special, but I'll have to Google it and then post and see what everyone thinks.

I'm going to post pictures of my boys seperately.

~Ashley~

I had a bunch of deep thoughts this weekend. Deep, prioritizing thinking, which came about because of so many factors.

For one thing, I picked up a book and scanned it and a paragraph about vain-glorious and self-centered thoughts captured my attention. The Lord certainly knew what I needed to hear!  

Basically it pointed out the vanity of worrying about what other people think of you, and the folly of the imaginary enactments that we (I often do this) create in our minds where we end up looking good or are victorious in conversations or whatever.

And it hit me anew that I need to be pleasing God first in my life!

I thought about my priorities. For a while now, sadly, my priorities have been cleaning and cooking. Why? Why not my precious little boys? Because I’m desperate to be seen as capable. I want to be viewed as having it all together!

And it stresses me, cleaning house to my imaginary, silent, condemning ghostly jury.

You see, all my life if you told me it was too hard, I would quietly go my own way and do it. I would prove you wrong. I would show you that I could.

Well, there are always going to be people that say you can’t. And there will always be impossible standards to reach in every area of life. Period.

Sometimes I read blogs about how “You can’t have it all”. It’s true. You can’t work outside the home, and still put the focus into the home that a mom who doesn’t work 40 hours a week on something else does. (And maybe you’re fine with that. Cool.)

It’s also true inside the home. I have to pick my priorities. I can’t have furniture that matches and pay off debt the way we do. I can’t have a yard out of Better Homes & Gardens if I don’t want to spend money and time on it. And I can’t keep my house looking like a crew of housekeepers went through it before Country Living stepped inside to take pictures if I want to really accomplish anything else. Like, having a bunch of children.

Please notice, I’m not saying these priorities are bad, they simply are not my own. I’m saying that each of us has to pick our priorities. And it will be no one’s fault but our own after we are done choosing.

There are always going to be those that look at my house, and look at my closely spaced children and feel pity for me. There will also be those that look at what I have and envy me. I can’t live my life according to either perception . . . .

. . . because really, I can’t do it all. And I realized this weekend that I am mainly weary because of my intense focus on building my façade to hide behind. My security blankie that I can hold onto, my standard that helps me go “See, I am making it, and a darn good job I’m doing of it, too!” When anything negative comes my way.

I can’t keep my house clean enough.

My children will never be perfect enough not to draw comments.

I will never have it together enough that someone can’t pick apart my clothes, my lack of makeup, my style-less hair, my extra pounds. Or even my nose or my hands or my large feet – things I couldn’t change if I wanted to!

I am so tired of trying. I know that I can’t do this without God. I know I don’t have the power to be a good wife or mother without His strength and guidance. And yet I try, and I hold up standards that He doesn’t, that my husband doesn’t, and I become weary seeking the approval of those whose opinion shouldn’t even matter!  

I am my father’s daughter. I put appearances before people. First impressions are my gold standard.

I’m pretty sure I’ve blogged things like this post before. I have to wonder if no matter how many times I re-arrange my priorities, if they will gradually always become disarranged? A constant cycle of reevaluating, repenting, re-grouping and pressing forward?

As I sit here typing the last of this with my 2yo on my lap, my 1yo still sleeping in his room, and my unborn babe safely tucked inside my womb kicking away, I just have to thank God for a chance to start over with a renewed mind. He has so richly blessed us beyond what we deserve!

To Him be all the glory!

~Ashley~   

I've been both busy and sleep-deprived, which should be sufficient to explain my brief dissapearance from blog-dom.

I've found myself settling into a routine over the last month; while Monday has always been a Catch-Up-From-The-Weekend-Day, Friday has become Prepare-For-The-Weekend-Day. I have found that making it a priority to do laundry on Friday is lovely! I do fine watching Sat-Sun's laundry pile up, but more than that I start getting antsie to run a load. Besides, if I have to run an unexpected load of bedding because of a diaper-leak, it just feels more relaxed.

So, the more I get done today . . . the less has piled up worse for Monday.

Because most weekends, I do very little work. And this weekend, as I'm esspecially weary, I plan to do even less!

I have pictures of my new oil lamps, my adorable and crazy little boys, and our new Honda Odessy Minivan.

But they will all have to wait for next week, along with the stories to go along with all the pictures, as I still have a few things that need done to prepare for the weekend, which in my opinion starts just as soon as my dear husband walks in the door tonight!

I hope everyone has a relaxing weekend enjoying their family,

~Ashley~