This is something that a few of my siblings had posted on their Xanga's, I hear it originally came from this site.  Since I have a whole different group of "readers" here, I thought I'd post it as well.  If this article interests you, you might enjoy reading some of the comments here and here.   

Sarah

Heart Matters

A straight-forward look at courtship and betrothal mentalities

            Without a doubt, courtship and betrothal have become a fad, affecting almost every conservative Christian church, community, and family to one extent or another. Beginning in conservative home school and reformed Anabaptist circles, the courtship movement has spread into the mainstream American church. As the divorce rate among professing Christians grows to surpass that of the world, more people than ever are flocking onto the courtship bandwagon. As with any new movement, the market has been swamped with books, tapes, CD’s, videos, magazine articles, seminars, study guides, and even T-shirts. On internet discussion groups and message boards the finer points of courtship and betrothal are debated. Many authors and speakers present their method as “God’s best“, implying that any other approach cannot receive God’s fullest blessing.

            As our social mindset has changed, how has this movement affected parents, leaders and singles? While a younger generation looks on, the first waves of hopeful singles are being turned back by the cold reality that a system cannot automatically deliver God’s best. Observing the frustrations of their older siblings, the younger ones are quietly rejecting a system that they perceive doesn’t work. For the sake of the next generation, all of us must be honest with our deepest motivations and the realities we face, be they ever so uncomfortable.

            While the reactions of our parents to their experiences in “the dating game” may be in excess, we are convinced that they did it for us, and in the best of goodwill. We must rise in appreciation for the standards of godliness they have raised from which a whole generation has benefited.

            God requires holiness of his people and this is a standard we desire to uphold. We do not suggest carelessly abandoning the principals of parental involvement, hands-off before marriage, and accountability throughout. We’re not advocating a hybrid of dating and courtship, or another system entirely.  We are concerned with the lack of honesty that has accompanied courtship and the flawed logic and artificial spirituality that’s caused so much confusion and frustration in many areas of relationship.

            We hope to present to you a series of stimulating thoughts and questions to help you better evaluate what the foundation of courtship should be.

BLESSED ARE THE PURE IN HEART 

            A major precept of the courtship/betrothal movement is emotional purity. The term is usually understood as “the absence of romantic feelings and interests.” This is a contradictory, perplexing, indefinable state. Courtship and betrothal mentalities view emotions to be totally unspiritual, and generally consider any romantic interest/attraction to be wrong.

            In much of conservative Christianity, emotions are seen as “unspiritual” because they seem to be opposite of the truth in so many situations.  From a biblical perspective, however, emotions are defined more as a result of the thoughts and intents of the heart. We are made in the image of God and emotions are a good gift from Him. We don’t honor God when we run down His gifts and perfect wisdom. It is the sinful motivations of our hearts that are suspect, not our emotions themselves. This is the wonderful grace in salvation; Christ correctly alters our perception of reality and true value, changing the very center of who we are - our desires. Then, after the heart is changed, out flow positive emotions and actions: the fruits of the Spirit!

            It’s easy to proclaim, “We base all of our decisions on the truth, not emotion.” In reality, all of us base our decisions - not on emotion, not on abstract “truth,” - but on our deepest desires. Our desires are based on what we really believe will make us happy. When faced with a decision, our strongest desire always wins. Whether our emotions are positive or negative depends on whether we think our desires are being fulfilled. This all leads back, not to carnal emotion, but to the desires of the heart.      

THE LEGITIMACY OF DESIRE 

            There exists a strange attitude regarding desire, and how it relates to godliness. The idea is that when doing good or spiritual things, one needs to be totally disinterested in any reward or personal fulfillment. Spirituality is seen as dying to every personal desire, gritting the teeth, and taking up one’s cross. This is supposedly what pleases God.  These ideas have worked out in some unfortunate ways. Young people believe that the desire for marriage and all it entails to be almost wrong unless directly revealed to be “the Lord’s will” so we can better serve the Lord together.” It is not considered spiritual for people to get married because they want to be happy together. The attempt is even made to define the desire for marriage outside of sexuality. It’s as though marriage can only be allowed righteously in “spiritual” terms, to the exclusion of all else.

            In many courtship testimonies, personal desire for marriage is buried under heaps of clichés and jargon. Young men pursuing romance and marriage are expected to present a spiritual sounding reason to prove their pursuit is disinterested.

The desire to be happy is one that God instilled in us, and one that He appeals to countless times in scripture. It’s not intended as an end in itself. Our need for intimacy and the desire to be cherished are to be ultimately fulfilled in Christ, but God usually chooses to fulfill part of these desires with the marriage relationship.

            Our desires are the very root of who we are. The basic definition of eternal life is “the perfect fulfillment of every God given desire.” The problem with most of us is that we settle for money, a house, a mediocre marriage, and casual service and spirituality. Most people will never pursue their desire for happiness to its fullest end, in Christ Himself.

HOW THIS AFFECTS COURTSHIP 

            Let’s stop and look honestly at what nearly all of the “successful” courtship testimonies contain. If you read between the lines, you will find that almost invariably, even before officially courting, one or both of the parties “liked him or her.” And that’s OK. It’s what all young people are secretly waiting and longing for - to be chosen for virtue of being you; to be desired above all others by someone you admire. These longings are universal, and speak to a basic need that God built into all of us.

            Countless situations reveal that unless positive emotions come to a courting relationship, all other methods and channels declaring this match to be “God’s best” do not provide a sufficient foundation to build on. That spark of romance is absolutely essential. Why is this an embarrassing secret? It’s because we’re back to what we feel again, which directly reflects our desires. And our neediness and desires don’t always come out looking like spiritual faith-filled decisions based on special revelation from God.

            Think on the scenario of a courtship begun despite initial negative emotions. It’s often said that it wasn’t begun on emotions, but simple faith.  Deeper honesty will reveal that it was based, not on faith, but on the more powerful desires and emotions of hope or fear. Likely the couple involved hoped romantic feelings would eventually arrive. Or they were afraid of the possibility of “this being the only one,” or they were scared of offending everyone involved with a flat “NO.” 

            Because we think desire and emotion to be almost wrong, we spiritualize them away, claiming to base our courtships on faith and divine circumstance. Our masks of “spirituality” have stolen the joy right out of a plan that was designed by God to reflect the desire Christ has for His Bride.

            Disappointment because “she said no” or “he asked someone else” is supposed to have been done away with by courtship and betrothal systems. But it’s not. Now, since no one is supposed to be emotionally involved in the decision making process, hurt feelings go under cover.

            It’s said that emotions should play no part in the process of choosing a mate. However, if a young man asks to court one girl two weeks after being refused by another, we’d all be scandalized. Why?  Because deep down, we all expect a young man to invest significantly on the emotional level towards the girl he asks, to show how much he cares for her.  Young women want to be desired by the young man they desire. No one wants to be the object of some one else’s apathetic or reluctant surrender to “the Lord’s will.”

WHAT IS COURTSHIP? 

            What does it mean when a new couple stands and announces “We are officially courting“? What should the reaction be? Have they agreed to marry? Are they beginning a time of seeking the Lord’s will, and evaluating compatibility? If so, why is there is a social stigma attached to breaking a courtship? When does courtship stop being courtship and become engagement? Is “We’re courting” just a more spiritual way of saying “we’re going steady?” Does a commitment to courtship equal a commitment to marriage? If so, do fathers have to absolve their children of the commitment to court if it doesn’t end in marriage? When a courting couple breaks up, are they emotionally damaged for good?

            This place of vague indefinition between “we’re just courting” and “we’re engaged” is where seeds of fear sprout and grow. Young men fear the tremendous investment of time, emotion, and social face, with the high likelihood of no return. Young women are afraid to step out into a public relationship (that to many almost signifies marriage) with someone they may not even know. And the consequences of a failed courtship are bitter. Young men are accused of indecision and having not heard from the Lord. Young women are faulted for not yielding in faith to the direction of their authorities or succumbing to emotions. Both sides are waiting for an overwhelming sense of romantic attraction before tackling these hurdles.

NO MORE BROKEN HEARTS? 

            Some schools of thought lead one to think that nearly all emotional pain and heartache is the result of reaping for personal sins or errors. Their solution is to perfect one’s way in any given area, thus achieving a life free from heartache. This is not a biblically balanced concept.

            Whether by direct word or implication, young people are led to believe that any “emotional mistake” before courtship will cause irrevocable damage to their future marriage. One byproduct of this fear is a throng of young people sitting tight, waiting for “God’s best.” They believe that getting “God’s best” is the surest way to avoid pain and problems for the rest of their married life. The trouble with this mentality is that when a problem comes up after a couple is married, their response may be to look back and see if they did something wrong in their courtship. Many will blame past mistakes for current distress, rather than work through problems out of their love and commitment for one another.

            When courtship and betrothal advocates look at dating, the claim is made that the pairing and breaking up pattern of dating sets people up for divorce after they‘re married.  Not all courtships end in marriage, however, and courtship is by nature a far more serious relationship than dating.  If this thinking is employed in both dating and courtship, a courtship that ends without marriage sets one up for divorce far worse than dating.  When applied equally to both dating and courtship, this logic has unfortunate implications.

HEALTHY, EDIFING RELATIONSHIPS 

            One of the hoped-for results of courtship is to free young people from the pressures of boyfriend/girlfriend mentalities, thus enabling spiritual fellowship.

In actuality, spin-off ideologies of courtship often result in poor relational skills between guys and girls. There is a generation of young men in conservative settings who, in the name of purity, are not gentlemen. There is a generation of young women who are awkward, insecure, and fearful. They are afraid of being too bold, too forward, or immodest. We’re all afraid. Afraid of being accused of flirting. Afraid of accidentally defrauding someone. Afraid that observers will start choosing our wedding colors. We’re especially afraid of not measuring up to the spiritual perfection implied in many testimonies and courtship plans.

            Along with all the phobias, some feel their masculinity or femininity less valued. Because it’s not considered spiritual to desire or need marriage, each gender now declares all their needs fulfilled in Christ. Neither side feels respected by the other. Singles no longer feel needed to fulfill their God ordained place with the opposite gender.

            One of the problems with dating is the pressure to superficially impress one’s date. Courtship’s alternative is to encourage family-oriented fellowship as a method for young people to get to know each other. However, without understanding, the pressures of the courtship/betrothal scene can be just as great. Now, instead of two people trying to impress each other, two families are trying to impress each other.

The sometimes extreme supervision of betrothal is shortsighted. If it is to keep those who are weak from falling into temptation, what will keep them from falling to temptations that come in marriage? This lack of faith has left many single adults dependent on the authority and Christianity of their well-meaning parents and church leaders. The emphasis on prevention rather than understanding easily hinders singles from living their life boldly for Christ. Could this be one reason why young men are weak and indecisive, and young women are frustrated? Parental counsel, advice and the wisdom of years is a tremendously valuable asset that shouldn’t be looked down on, but ultimately the responsibility of deciding to get married lies squarely with the individual.

AFRAID TO LOVE? 

            In today’s courtship/betrothal testimonies, a smooth, trial-free ride from first sight to final promise is assumed to be evidence of God’s blessing. But where in scripture do we find that the lack of pain and heartache can be used as a barometer of our spirituality? Let’s be honest. Our motivation to be spiritual and pure can be very carnal. We easily get caught up in trying to obtain the blessings of “being good” for our own selfish desires and fears. But God doesn’t have in His plan for us a license to seek our own ease via His principles.

            To love is to risk. When we love someone, that person has a choice to love us back or not. If we had to love, would it be love? If we try to create a system that eliminates the risk of rejection in the pursuit of love, we violate love’s very nature. How do we know what Love is? God sent His Son. Was that a safe investment?

Suffering seems to be in God’s plan for everyone: not necessarily to punish sin, but so that we can bring the most glory to Him. Pain and suffering make grace and love possible.

CONCLUSIONS 

            As we see, the current philosophies of courtship and betrothal leave parents, children, and churches alike stranded - stranded in a place between wanting to do right, yet dreading failure. Some claim to take the high ground, denying the reality of God’s design for emotion, desire, and romance. This denial has led some into a quagmire of contradiction, frustration and fear. Courtship and betrothal philosophies bring an intense conflict between unproven ideas and reality. Some people who “did it by the book” have discovered that it didn’t work for them. These quiet failures are causing some to cynically throw out good principles.

            What are you going to do? Ditch biblical principles and let your heart be your only guide? God forbid. Recklessly giving your heart to every face that makes it quiver is foolish. Romantic involvement with a whole string of people is asking for trouble.

On the other hand, will you cling to a man-made outline for your life?

            In light of this examination of the courtship system, here are our suggestions for what the foundations of guy/girl relationships ought to be.

HONESTY

            Jesus said, “Cleanse first the inside of the cup….”  Claiming to live outside of emotion and personal desire is absolutely unbiblical. Our beliefs, attitudes, and practice in courtship must be based on the whole plan of God. Our study of the Bible must be complete, our interpretation consistent, and our application fair.

REALIZATION

            Why do you want a system, a set of rules or steps for something that God never systemized? Why do you desire a risk-free approach to marriage? No system, in and of itself, can prevent those from sinning that would, and most systems simply frustrate those who truly desire God’s will. God does not need our help. He can bring two people who are filled with His spirit together in a myriad of ways, as He has done throughout history. He has given us basic principles of holiness, and within those principles the ways and means of getting to the marriage altar are numberless. An attitude of openness to God and a willingness to learn from the joys and disappointments He brings us will guide us in His will. God knows each of His children personally and sends us on a path of faith that is unique to our needs.

            Study examples from the Bible and from history to see how God used trials, pain and deep emotional wounds to shape the character of His greatest servants. Realize that pain (even the pain of rejection) is not always punishment for sin. When you suffer without a cause, thank God for working in your life, passing you through the fire, and refining you into His image.

COMMUNICATION

            Part of our change in attitude will be to realize that brotherly/sisterly social interaction is a righteous thing and can be a powerful blessing and witness. In order for it to be a blessing, we will need to invest considerably in beginning and maintaining balanced relationships with one another. Frankly, this is a fine art, but one we can all learn. Single young men and women need to acknowledge each other as people worth knowing and respecting, not as hazardous material to avoid.

            An essential part of the solution is open lines of communication; an active dialogue involving parents and children, singles and church leaders.  In an atmosphere of honesty and respect, contradicting issues and heart felt questions can be resolved to the glory of God.

            And finally, trust the Lord, not a system, method or social structure. Acknowledge as good and right God’s wise design in all of our being. Don’t look for a faithless ten-step program on an easy, well-lit road to the Lord’s will. Be ready to step out in faith as the Lord directs your path.

Copyright 2004  Justin G. Bowling & Jason A. Lonon

                This material is the express intellectual property of its authors, and may not be quoted, altered or sold.  It may be transferred or distributed only in its entirety.  For permission to publish this article in magazines or newsletters, please contact the authors.

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