Kudzu Korner

I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. ~Phil 4:10-14

It is difficult sometimes to look at the pictures that we were able to take of Joshua after he was born.  I know that most people would not want to see them, but when I look at them, my momma's heart can see nothing but perfection.  Ten fingers, ten toes.  Perfect nose.  Perfect everything.  I am awestruck at God's ability to knit together life and make such a tiny perfect blessing in His own image.  This picture of my sweet DH holding his son is one of the most precious pictures I own.  Yes, there is sadness knowing that Joshua was not truly with us, but in his Heavenly Father's arms.  Yet for a small time we were able to hold him as well and that does give me some peace today.

This picture of Christopher makes my heart sing.  My children have done wonderfully with their sadness after the loss of their brother.  Christopher had the hardest time and during one of his sadest moments drew this picture of Joshua ("he even has wings!") to help make his mommy and daddy feel better.  Listening to him describe the halo and wings and the smile on Joshua's face...because he's with Jesus and that makes him happy...truly did make his mommy feel better.  God Bless my sweet angels!  The ones here and the one that isn't.

This picture was at the cemetery after Joshua's funeral.  It was so beautiful that day.  Just a few days after Thanksgiving and it was in the high 60s and beautiful.  It has been difficult today knowing that Joshua is so far away at our family cemetery.  I have truly struggled with jumping in the car and making the four hour drive just to be close to him.  Logic is totally out the window today.  It makes me sad that it's snowing and I keep thinking he may be cold.  (Totally rational, right?)  So many things have made me sad today.  I guess it is to be expected.   I can't help but wonder if he would have arrived on his due date like two of his older siblings did.  Would he have looked like his daddy like the other boys do?  Would he have had red hair?  There are so many things that I desperately want to know and I truly realize that I may never know.  I don't know how to put most of what I'm feeling into words and the words I can find just don't seem adaquate.  I've been rediscovering an old friend the last few days (writing poetry) and whilie I'm definitely rusty, I thought I'd post a few of them here too. 

If you've read all of this, thank you.  One of the things I have struggled with the most is how a stillborn baby seems to not be acknowledged in our society.  For any of you that have lost a baby, I'm sending you my prayers.  It is a heartache that I could never wish on anyone.

Journey Through Time

I saw you today across the room
I saw your eyes meet mine
I knew your spirit was waiting there
I knew my own was drawn to yours

I dreamt today of who you are
I dreamt one day of who you will be
I sit here lost in my own distress
I sit knowing you are at peace

I want so much to see you smile
I want to hear your laugh
I know someday I’ll have my chance
I know one day we will be united

I can tell the scent of your innocence
I can feel the youth of your heart
I will hold you in my heart forever
I will hold you in my dreams tonight

Do not be afraid of what you are
Do not pull away from what you can be
If it isn’t here that you need to be
Then go where you must to thrive

Tears are shed out of sorrow
Tears will fade over time
Watch over the one who will follow you
And guide that journey through time.

 
I love you my sweet sweet Joshua. 
Mommy

Thursday, March 8, 2007 - Joshua

Posted by maa
I am so sorry about the loss of your son, Joshua.

Christopher is such a cutie! He does nice artwork too.
Belle~homesteadgirls

Thursday, March 8, 2007 - So sorry....

Posted by UnlikelyHomesteader
I just can't imagine what that must be like. At least you all got a chance to see him and hold him until you get to see Him again in heaven.

Praying for your family today.
~Nancy

Thursday, March 8, 2007 - Prayers With You

Posted by Joymommy
God bless you as you go through this time of loss. I had a m/c between my 1st and 2nd and though it must be much harder having a stillborn, I can understand some of your emotions and appreciated your neat poem. I pray God is holding you close and giving you peace in your future. I also appreciated your blog about your mil. My fil died of cancer 10 years ago and my mil was diagnosed with uterine cancer a little over a year ago, but thankfully it was caught early and after a hysterectomy and radiation she seems to be free of it. Anyways, praying you can enjoy those little ones of yours and receive comfort from the Lord!

Melanie

Thursday, March 8, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by countrydreamn
Hugs to you today.
I had a miscarriage between 5 & 6, so I can some what understand your pain.
But stay in the Lord's peace in that all of our little children are together playing with Jesus.
Someday we will be able to be with them and Jesus.

Blessings,
Debi

Friday, March 9, 2007 - A heartbreak in common

Posted by Anonymous
I wish this was one week we didn't have in common!!! But please know that as I struggle to get through this week, I am praying you through this week as well... I "enjoyed" reading your blog today... It was a year ago that I delivered Josiah as a precious stillborn... and many of the feelings you wrote about, I know them all too well... You are welcome to visit my blog too if you want.... http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Ally78/296434/
Keeping you and your family in my prayers!!! Allana (from Treasures)

Friday, March 9, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by Kimberly
{{{hugs}}} I agree that society downplays miscarriages. I am so sorry about Joshua. Praying for you...

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by HandsNHearts
I am so sorry I missed posting on this. My mother's heart cries the same way...our first daughter would have turned 17 this past February, and I too have those special photos. She was perfect, and while her timing was perfect for The Lord, it was bittersweet for us, her family.
I am thankful that I have the promise of The Lord that I will again see her in The Kingdom one day. I can't imagine how those who do not know that promise cope through losing a child or a loved one of any age.
Thank you for sharing your memories.
Deanna