The Start of a Homesteader Mom

Sometimes I just melt down.

07:15, November 17, 2007 .. Posted in Tristan's Journey .. 5 comments .. Link

I am posting about Tristan's Journey over at the homeschool blogger. But sometimes I just melt down. I have so many people reading over there that I really do not want to loose it for all of them.

So I decided to post here today.

You know... nights are the hardest. Justin is working out on the road for FedEx. Alyssa and Tristan sleep. And I am left to look at Tristan and cry. There is so much I just want to throw in my hands and say "I QUIT!" I am NOT giving him one more dose of steroid. I am not taking him for any more poking and testing. I am done. I am taking my baby and running away from all things medical. Oh how I wish, when my baby is crying in the bathtub screaming because I am coming close to taking his shirt off. When he looks down at his bruises and covers them, heart beating fast. When I see the fear in his eyes. When he says "doctors aren't going to hurt me no more mom right?" And I cannot answer him.

It breaks my heart. My heart is aching. I just want to make everything normal again. Go back a month and live my life again. To have a son free from torment and pain. To have a son who can climb on, jump on, mommy's bed again. To have a son who can breath normal because he is not carrying around a ton of extra fluid from steroids making him breath heavy. To have him wrecking my living room again. Climbing on the top of my couch where he always perched. To have him ripping my curtains down again.

I watched videos of this summer on the computer last night. I should not have done that. To see Tristan running and playing outside. It broke my heart.

But then I put on my healing songs and go to bed reading my bible and praying. I am so glad for God. What do people do without him!? How empty their lives must be. God is my strength and refuge. I can cry to him and he keeps me going. And the prayers of my friends and family keeps me going. I know that while I sleep someone is covering Tristan in prayers. And I can get rest at night because I am covered with Gods Love. Thank you. Thank you all who are praying for us. We need nothing else but that prayer. I am learning the power and necessity of prayer. I can BREATHE because of it. And that is what keeps me going.
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Untitled Comment

07:49, November 17, 2007 .. Posted by homesteadinthemaking
Linda,
I want you to know that I added you to my links a while back when you first posted about Tristan. Since then our family has been keeping up with him and praying for him and your family. I am so sorry for all that you are going through.
Bless you,
Trixi

Awww...

11:23, November 17, 2007 .. Posted by jocelyndixon
I am almost in tears reading through this. I can't imagine what you are going through. Your poor baby and you can do nothing to help him.

Only God can. He is the only one who can heal Tristan and give you strength to get through this. I wish we lived near to us because I would come over and give you a hug.

You are in our thoughts and in our prayers.

Love,
Jocelyn

Untitled Comment

10:59, November 18, 2007 .. Posted by morningsunshine
thank you for reminding me that I need to be grateful for my children and their curtain-removing, couch-jumping, sibling-tormenting antics.
My prayers for you and for tristan.

Untitled Comment

09:39, November 21, 2007 .. Posted by Anonymous
Just remember you are in God's hands Linda! I'm ALWAYS here for you if you ever need ANYTHING! I am praying for you and agree that you have made me thankful for all the "little" things that the kids do!

Carrie

Untitled Comment

02:16, November 26, 2007 .. Posted by matsmom97
I'm so sorry sweetie! I truly can not imagine what you are going thru. Just know that you are in our thoughts and prayers daily! GOD WILL PREVAIL!!!!!!!!!!

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About Me

Welcome to my homestead blog! A place where I learn to be the homemaker of my family. Journey with me through the ups and downs of learning to be a Homeschooling, Stay at home mother(SAHM) who strives to honor God the Father in all I do and a blessing to my family.

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Alyssa - 5