Fri-8-Aug-2008 - Pregnancy update & pic

I'm 15w & 5d and here's what I look like:

Although in real life, the edges look sharper.

I feel the biggest I've ever been for this stage of the game, but I'm still down 2+ pounds from before this pregnancy started. Which is nice, seeing as how I was certain I was going to set records for weight gain this time around!

I eat, eat, eat. My metabolizim does seem to take off during pregnancy, though! I sure appreciate it.

Other than that, I started taking iron just over a week ago. Jonathan perscribed it for me because I was talking about how I was tired all the time . . . it was easy for me to be out-of-breath, which should have clued me in, but I wasn't paying much attention.

It amuses me how "on top of things" Jonathan is. I guess it shouldn't; he's a pretty observant guy and this is the third time around in a very short period of time . . . but I still am suprised and a bit in awe of how much he notices and remembers from my other pregnancies!

I've started feeling flutters pretty consistantly. I mean, consistant as in once a day. I'd hope so . . . the baby should be about 4.5" long by now, plus legs, and I'm not really carrying that much extra! I can't wait for "real" kicks and punches, though.

I love being a mommy!

Part of me thinks girl and part of me thinks boy. If I think about it, I can get really excited about either. Hey, I'm just very thrilled to be having a third child, period! I can't wait to let Samuel feel the baby move. I can't wait to see Elijah's face in January . . . he is *so* enamored with babies! He is going to make a spledid big brother . . . .

Every time I ask Samuel if he wants another baby he's very enthused . . . .

I'm pretty sure I've now nursed farther into pregnancy than ever before, but Elijah is close to weaning. I really don't see making it a full year ....

And that's about all for now!

~Ashley~

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Wed-2-Jul-2008 - Addendum To the Previous Post

I woke up pondering my thoughts today. We slept much better last night, so my head seems clearer.

My attitude has been, ‘Lord, if I wasn’t pregnant, I could have done this! I could have handled it!”

Like He really wanted me to handle it by myself!!!

If I wasn’t pregnant, I would have been a little less exhausted by broken sleep.

If I wasn’t pregnant, I probably wouldn’t have had the nausea issues standing in my way of drinking more fluids and trying to boost my milk supply so rapidly.

I wouldn’t have felt near so helpless and perhaps even prayed a bit less. I tend to have this mental image of myself as this very strong, capable woman. I manage and I cope and deep down inside, I figure if I don’t bother God with the little things, He’ll listen more when I need Him when the really big problems arise. He doesn’t need to be bothered with all my petty “complaints”. I can make it – I’ll muscle through it.

It's sinking in . . . God wants me to rely on Him. He wants to be my strength. He wants me to realize my own frailty and inadequacy and lean on the Rock. When I am weak, He is strong. It's okay to be weak. It's okay to be dependant on Him . . . . I don't have to "manage" by myself.

I look back and see how the events of the last three years have shaped me in a major way. I had so many assumptions and such a wonderful image of myself. I was the perfect, capable wife . . . and I knew it . . . . I wanted to control things and stay safe and comfortable and within my control.

And then our first pregnancy moved me into a realm I couldn’t control, and I moved relentlessly towards an event I couldn’t mentally fathom – labor and holding a newborn child in my arms. I knew fear for the first time in years and took baby-steps towards God. It was like learning to pray all over again as I learned a small lesson in humility.

The miscarriage brought me face-to-face with the fact that I’m a vessel; and I can’t control or hold onto the life within me.

Elijah’s conception, in my humble opinion at the time, was terrible timing. His pre-term arrival introduced me to a whole new level of dependence on God and I discovered that I’m really not as faithful as I think I am when things venture outside of what I feel is “normal”. And now I look at my son, and I know that God does all things well. I'm so thankful for Elijah, and that I trusted God's timing and didn't wait to feel healed mentally and emotionally before "risking" pregnancy again. God healed me, and taught me that He is always in control, even when we aren't . . . .

Right now, I forget how startled I was when I wasn’t due a month earlier, in December. I didn’t know that I would face something so scary with Elijah at 10+ weeks when I saw those breathtaking double lines. Who can plan for such things? God did know the future – He wasn’t surprised. I wonder to myself if He allowed much of this so that I would not walk these valleys alone on my own strength, so that I would not take “my” fertility and each child for granted, so that I would learn to depend on Him . . . .

When we decided to let go and take as many or as few children as God would give, we also began to desire to live more by faith. God gives life, He has given Jonathan a job, He has given us all that we have. We want to trust God through everything, to live by faith and not by what we see with our eyes.

I just didn't expect to start learning to trust Him through anything difficult so soon . . . .

~Ashley~

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Tue-17-Jun-2008 - Pregnancy thoughts . . . .

I guess it's time to announce it to all blogdom!  Most days I look like this  but feel like .

Early next year we will be outnumbered by our children, even when together! Now is the time for Dad's vote to start counting for 2.5 or we'll quickly lose our voice.  Although the din that two make sometimes, we might lose our voices anyway!

In all honestly, this pregnancy has already taught me so much in one month that it scares me. I had no idea that I had this much learning left to do the entire rest of my life! So it’s been humbling and very good for me and all packed into this tiny season of my life.

For one thing, I think it’s the first time I’ve realized the impact that having children can actually have on my future. I mean, duh, of course we’ll never be rich. That’s a no-brainer and doesn’t faze me. But I’ve realize that having more children means that I will probably never be able to stop budgeting, and that has really made me think. I’m not crazy about budgets, and it’s been my goal to reach the place that I can spend without blinking $100 here or there.

I’ve realized that this is my idea of wealth. And it seemed so darn reachable, compared to what other people consider wealthy, that it never crossed my mind that I might not ever reach that place if I continued to walk the path we are on.

Secondly, I’ve had to really examine my heart. I have a two year old and an eight month old and what seems like crippling I-can’t-get-off-the-sofa morning sickness. Ooops, wait, I-can-get-off-the-sofa-to-run-to-the-bathroom-and-heave-occasionally all-day sickness. With a toddler that screams at astonishing decibels and an 8mo that still obtains part of his nourishment from my chest, thus making it practically impossible to stay on the sofa all day and watch long movies. Why on earth did I sign up for this???

There is a part of me, the fleshly part of me that thinks I’m crazy to have allowed this to happen. The other part of me whole-heartedly believes that God has allowed conception to take place for a reason. I want to carry this baby joyfully for Him because He looks at my heart, not the shape of my living room floor or how long it’s been since I did laundry. He looks at my heart. And I am willing, so willing to carry this baby. Even though it makes me sick to my stomach!

Finally, I at last understand the temptation to take the dollars and cents and ages of previous children and the possible future into consideration and space out the having of babies. I have felt the powerful tug of the temptation of an easier life style and stared it in the face.

The conclusion that I have come to is that it is all about Him; less about me. This pregnancy is for His glory, to display His power, not my own particular “have-it-togetherness” or ability to cope with or love closely spaced children. Without Him, there would be no reason for the life I’m living, because I could cope with and love just as much children spaced out more, with the added bonus that my life would be a heck of a lot easier! Without God, I might have clung to my original plan to not have children for the first 4 years of our marriage . . . . and where would I be today? Not here.

Elijah sits up, smiling at me. His tiny nose wrinkles when he smiles. It’s adorable. He has the widest gap between his big toe and the rest and it makes his feet look funny! He lays on his back and gurgles. He has the biggest smile and the softest laugh. We look at each other and it’s like we just connect on a different level from everyone else.

Samuel is sleeping. His long, dark eyelashes are so thick and long. He has one freckle on his left thigh. His toes are prone to hangnails and his fingernails almost always have dirt under them. His giggle is like music to me, and it’s as easy to provoke as Elijah’s silent smiles. We can glance at each other from the corners of our eyes and communicate.

Nestled deep inside my body is another body. Another human just as different from the rest of us as can be. And yet, I’m sure, sharing a unique collection of our similarities.

I am so excited to meet you, too . . . .

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