Mon-13-Oct-2008 - Musings on being a "frumpy" homeschooler
It has been many years, but I *was* one. So I wanted to try to share my personal angle. I believe there was something going on this weekend in Homesteadblog-dom that had to do with homeschooling, but I have no idea what that was as I wasn't online. A comment I left last week made me think about the past. It's distant enough not to be painful anymore, still fresh enough to be vivid. And it's a part of who I am. So, I'm blogging it, but the timing of this post might be sorta bad, so don't take it personal in light of . . . whatever it was that happened this weekend!
Yes, I'm pretty confident that if you had known me, you would agree that I was an ugly duckling . . . .
I wasn't so much shy as I recognized at a glace that me and you would have had very, very little in common. I would probably have had an easier time talking to your mom, or your siblings, or even your twin brother, just about anyone besides a girl my own age! But I was probably perceived quite often as shy and backwards.
The few times I opened up to female peers, I was usually stared at, then told "You sound like you were raised like my grandma." AKA, "I can't relate to you." Which is almost teen code for "You're weird."
I could smell pity a mile away. I didn't need or want it from anyone! Let alone for something as superficial as my looks!
I grew up butchering chickens, milking cows, and at 14yo I bought a 2yo, untrained Quarter Horse mare. I spent two years saving up for half the cost, and two years paying the rest off. I didn't get my driver's license until I was 18yo because I had not interests in the mall or movies (I didn't have the money for the mall after I fed my animals and we rented movies. What was the big deal?) I could drive 4 miles to the town library and that was as far as my interests really went!
The older you get, the more acceptable it is to have an "odd" upbringing. People like to hear about it. They admire your "strength" and that you know how to do these things and wish they had learned. Hahaha! Right. As a teen you were probably grumbling about mowing the lawn instead of watching cartoons, let alone being handed a knife and told to put up fifty fryers. I used to wonder what it would have been like to be born when everyone's grandmas were, so that I could have fit in more. When nobody watched cartoons and hard work was more respected.
At a time when most of the girls I knew could carry on a half hour conversation about nail polish and lip gloss (or so it seemed to me!) and 'cute' guys (I always thought that term insulting to the masucline gender), I was more interested in if a young man was a hard worker and what kind of daddy he would be than how he looked in jeans or if he was a football player or homecoming king. I wanted to be appreciated, but mostly I wanted a husband I could really respect - that was such a high priority for me! It was also very important to me to know if he would hit or throw things when he was very, very angry. I wanted to know how he would react when he had to change a tire in the rain.
Most of the girls I knew would have been so annoyed by brothers 4yo, 8yo, and 10yo younger than they. For me, they were my "clique" and I *wanted* to hang out with them! I was strong, I was inventive, and I was funny - I was the 'perfect girl' to them. My brothers were my peers, and as such I was influenced not to be "too girly".
Yes, I would have looked different, shabby and messy to the standards of highschoolers. And it would smart - but only around peers! At the same time it was deeply ingrained in me that the right man would love me for my heart, not my looks. I used to look into the mirror and pray that someone would take the time to get to know me enough to see past the exterior I didn't know how to frame to be "fashionable". Most of the time, riding my horse on the prairie or hunting with my younger brothers, it just didn't matter what I looked like.
Today, the pictures I have from that era frame some of the happiest, most innocent moments of my life, but I would never, ever ever show them to anyone. Simply because of what I'm wearing in them. Vanity, I know!
The summer before I turned 19yo, I got my first job off the farm and was enrolled at a local, junior college. If I left my peers alone, they left me alone. For the first semester, as I got my footing, that was fine at college. In the shoe department in a retail store, I blossomed. I love to help people! And I got paid to do it!
Besides, at college it was hard to find the kind of guy I had set myself up for. Most didn't seem to be hard-working, epitomes of virtue. It only took a curse word or two to make me lose all interest in a pretty face. And did I mention everyone cursed? Just about?
My Sunday School class gave me more hope. I desperately wanted to fit in there - here were other Christian young people! Perhaps not raised like I was, but fellow followers of Christ. They must have thought I was so weird to take my younger brother to get-togethers and such. The events always sounded like so much fun that I wanted to include one of my best friends!
It was at Sunday School that a young man that I respected asked me to "please repeate that in English". After reading book after book growing up - and I had the vocabulary to prove it. However, after that comment, I spent years rephrasing things in my mind, dumbing it down, forgetting words I decided no one used but me. I picked up slang, and invested in the many ways to entone grunts, sighs, and other non-words.
Working in retail, I finally learned how to dress, how to walk, how to flirt. I went off of comments I recieved and stares. In a way, I had spent most of my life praying for a young man to see past my shabbiness, now I was realizing that I was still going to have to hope for a young man to really get to know me past my attractivness! Instead of fashion dropping the last barrier to my happiness, I found that I was attracting (by the droves) the wrong kind of guy. These seemed to possess even less virtue!
By the time I met Jonathan, I was working my way out the other side of my adventure and searching for balance. I was still dressing mainly to attract attention, but I was longing for something modest and attractive. I still had a very long way to go before I would find again where I was comfortable. I had decided I was different and that I didn't mind that. I was done apologizing for "me".
The only thing I can figure, is that when Jonathan and I met, it was a meeting of our spirits. I think both of us were moving, in tiny steps, towards the same thing. I had gigantic subwoofers in the back of my car, I wore makeup in layers and listened to bands like Demon Hunter. Jonathan was obsessed with sports and at first I thought him ambition-less! There was very little to indicate that this was a man who would appreciate homemade soap or that I would ever make an effort to learn how to cook from scratch.
Anyway, I just wanted to share my own personal story of transformation . . . from ugly duckling into something a bit more attractive! So the next time you see a "poor" homeschooler . . . save your pity. Spare them your judgement based on their looks, and maybe they will do the same!
You never know what you could learn from each other!
~Ashley~
Comments
Mon-13-Oct-2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by mamato8
what on earth happened ??? I didn't catch it!
I could relate to some of your past for sure. I'll pm you about it sometime!
Mon-13-Oct-2008 - Your Story
Posted by eileenb
I love your story.
My children were not homeschooled but they grew up in farm country and went to the local elementary school. It was a tiny school with only 8-12 in each grade. None of us have much money down here. The kids wore basic jeans, sweats, tee shirts and sneakers. No designer clothes.
Then the school district decided that the small schools needed to be closed and they built a big fancy school in town.
It was tough for the local kids to fit in. Everyone from town wore designer clothes. If you wore basic clothes, you were made fun of.
That was 11 years ago. Things have gotten to be even more materialistic. I wonder if these tough economic times will prove to be a good thing in the end and a lot of people will come to see what is really important in life.
Mon-13-Oct-2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by gilsanla
That was a really great story. I hope it also encourages some of the teens here at homestead blogger.com to not worry about what others feel, or about feeling awkward. It all works out in time.
My nieces aren't home schooled, but your story made me remember what I tell them. I think it applies to all teens.
Always choose your friends on who you want to be when you grow up. Never pick a friend based on what is popular at the time. Because I guarantee after high school they won't be your friends any more.
If you pick someone who helps you be the best person you can be - the person God wants you to be that person will most likely be there after graduation. I would think your brothers were that for you.
If you pick the person that leads you down another path - you might think you're having fun but its momentary and in the end when you graduate and the friends are gone and you are now struggling to become the person you wanted to be once you'll regret those supposedly fun moments. Because it will be harder and you might not have the support you need.
So while it may be hard to resist or not feel like you don't fit in, just hold on - you'll be glad you did for the rest of your life.
Again, thanks for sharing.
Mon-13-Oct-2008 - LOVE YOUR POST
Posted by safords
In some ways you could have been writing about me... I was homeschooled, hardworking, no tv, thrift shopping, etc.... I look at some of the pictures from then and smile. I realized when I was about 14 that beside someone my age I looked like 10 and dressed like 10. (I loved the prairie dresses my mom made me with the matching Laura Ingall's bonnets, wore my hair in two braids etc... and I wore those outfits riding my horse and riding my bike and playing "pioneer" with the younger kids in the hayloft.) I suddenly felt a little weird about it and started to try to look a little more dressed up and sophisticated. I learned to sew, and sew I did! I had a closet of the most beautiful dresses anybody could have ever wished for...I decided my own style eventually and I excelled in making very stunning, but modest dresses. I went to Africa when I was 18 and when I saw what life is really like for most people in the world I decided fashion was stupid, extravagant and self-centered. By the way, that incredible closet of dresses I had made burned down 3 months after arriving in Africa and had to be replaced with missionary box clothes.. LOL! I knew WHO was in charge of ALL things, working together for my good :-) If you run into homeschooled kids who don't wear the look of the public school kids, rejoice that not everyone is affected by the tyranny of fashion. I just had to find and make dresses for my girls for a big event and I know that fashion is NOT healthy right now, so why should we want our kids to embrace it?
Edited by safords on Mon-13-Oct-2008 at 04:24
Tue-14-Oct-2008 - I wasn't homeschooled, but I relate so much!
Posted by terry, ornament of His grace
I went to "regular" school. But unlike 80% of the kids in my neighborhood, I was raised by a dad who cared enough about my virtue not to let me look like a harlot and hang out of Friday and Saturday nights. Besides, I had to wake up in time for Sunday School on Sunday! I was always the odd one out. Our teenaged daughters are now muddling through the same thing because my husband, much like my own father, loves them too much to let them "fit in" with the girls at their school. Even girls from Christian families have boyfriends, wear tight jeans, and layers of makeup. Our girls stick out among their peers. I let them know that I was once where they are and that one day they will be so happy they were raised differently. This was a good post. Thanks for sharing your story.
Entry
112 of 562
Last Page | Next Page