Fri-11-Jul-2008 - Searchings . . . Part II
As I said in my previous post, I’m thinking some deep thoughts lately. So much conflicts in my head . . . .
I’m so glad to know my younger brothers. They were born when my dad was 45yo & 47yo. My mom is 7 years younger. That’s still late to be adding to your family when you already have a boy and a girl – and a still birth.
I’m glad my grandmother had my mom, who was number 8 or 9. She had 17 children all together. I have always respected her greatly. I’m sure some of the children and grandchildren are thankful she had the 17th!
I’m so thankful for my second mama, and this lovely lady was 5th in her family.
I’ve been reading about Jonathan Edwards. He was
So the thought runs through my head . . . would I ever regret having one more child?
The Bible says I might. A foolish child brings bitterness to his mother, and a calamity and grief to his father [Prov
Is it better not to live at all than to be poor?
What is poor?
I read an article in National Geographic about the horrible living conditions of some areas . . . in
Anyway, every pitiful, patched together, dilapidated house has electronics in it. Computers, TV’s, game systems!
What is poor?
When I turn to God and cry out to Him for strength, my “burden” becomes so light – to love my babies and read the Bible to them and nourish them and take the time to sing hymns as I do the dishes. Yes, I’m uncomfortable for a season. I look at the faces of my sons and it was worth it. How much more will it be worth it if they turn to God?
My body isn’t my own, anyway. It is my husbands’, but first I want to be God’s handmaid. For whatever His will is for me, and maybe that simply means respecting and obeying my husband.
“I want to get to know my husband first.” Is that really impossible? Did God make a mistake, and make it difficult to get to know a husband during pregnancy and with children? I think we make it harder. Children leave you.
“Everyone thinks we’re __________” Can I really use culture and personal popularity to guide my choices???
If I place myself in faith in God’s hands, and say “Lord, I humbly beseech You to take control of this area of my life.” – will He? Will He abuse my trust and break down my health and actually not take control but will I continue thinking that He is???
If I prevent the next child, for oh, 4 or 5 years. Will it be the same next child?
Is it okay to take something that is working the way it was designed to and “break it”?
I have crazy cycles. Anywhere from 32-72 days long, and many of them are ani-ovulatory, which means there are no where near as many chances for conception as are typically. I cannot help but feel every time I prevent, I might be preventing the conception of our last child. So, every time I’m pregnant, I feel very blessed. Would it be different if I had 28 day cycles and ovulated every time? Does that change how blessed I am to conceive?
Are there health problems because people alter the body’s natural function? I fear so. I don’t have 100% proof, but I do fear there are wide-ranging repercussions. I know that dogs and cats and other animals live longer, but we do not “break” our bodies the way we alter theirs. Besides, regardless of what evolutionists say, we are not animals!
Sorry to be thinking so deeply. This is why I haven’t been posting, I’ve been thinking.
I don’t want to be in control of this area of my life. Or any area, frankly.
The question is, will He take control if I relinquish it?
Did He give us common sense to use it? I’m not sure I trust mine. My own common sense tells me that differing views on the Lord’s Supper is not worth being burnt at stake. My own common sense says that it’s better to run and preach another day than to do any kind of burning, at all! My common sense says that if I offend someone, they won’t like me, so I should keep religion and politics to myself . . .
God, do you care? Will you take control if we humbly ask You to? Will You direct my steps, please?
I am so scared of my own selfish desires and human-ness . . . .
For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I . . . (Romans 15:15)
~Ashley~
Comments
Fri-11-Jul-2008 - Hello!
Posted by Anonymous
Ashley,
My mom had my sister at 47 and it was a wonderful blessing for the whole family. I myself will be 40 soon and I would love to have another child. I really am fearful of the risks. I can see that you are young and could have many children in the next few years, but is it not normal to think of the risks of having children in your later years? I sometimes wonder if it is not a trust issue? I do trust in the Lord but am I willing to have a blessing that He gives that I am scared of? I hope that makes since?
Blessings,
A Friend
Fri-11-Jul-2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by mamato8
sent you a private message
Fri-11-Jul-2008 - Catherine from Homegirl
Posted by Catherine R.
Deep thoughts are good thoughts for you! You know, what you said about the kids in India made me think. I was feeling sorry for myself recently when I saw a TV program late at night about how Haitian children are sold into slavery by their parents who don't want them...by the millions.
It's good to get some perspective when you live in the US, the only country in the WORLD where the poor people are fat.
Also, keep clinging to God, asking for His wisdom. The wisdom of the world is death. It sounds like you are seeking Him and meditating on important things.
Sat-12-Jul-2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Mandy Mom
Amen, and Amen again!
I feel so incredibly blessed to have the children I do. I'm extremely fertile, yet, God has not piled the children on as I expected (feared) He would. In fact, I really expected to be pregnant this month, and I'm not.. and now I realize why!
I really am horrible at being in control of my own life. What sounds good to me, often ends in disaster.. and I have no desire, for the most part, to be in control (which my husband is thankful for). Of course, I wasn't always this way... but being through what I have.. I realize what a mess I make of things we I attempt to follow through with my own plans.
Love this post! Love the deep thoughts! Keep 'em coming!
Sat-12-Jul-2008 - Amen!
Posted by SuperHorseSteader
This is so awesome to read! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your heart! It is scary to let God take control of every area in our lives, because we as humans want control. When we give up that control we feel as though we lost what we had and we can't know if it is going to be ok. That is where faith comes in. I know sometimes I struggle with having faith, but I just need to mature in that area!
I absolutely loved reading this! HUGS!
I wish we could have stopped in KS, but there really wasn't a way we could! We would have loved to meet you!
Love,
Miss Amanda
http://superangelsblog.com!
Sun-13-Jul-2008 - having more children...
Posted by Anonymous
I can address the fact that a woman with a regular cycle (26 day cycle, if that's normal) is just as blessed to be pregnant or feel as special and blessed. Because even if everything is perfect (bedding timing, ovulation, ph balance in womb, blah, blah, blah) a woman only has like a 25% chance of concieving and then if you add that you only have like 24-48 in any given cycle to concieve...it just adds to the wonder of how God opens and closes the womb. Bottom line, God opens and closes the womb so any and all pregnancies or lack thereof are blessings and appointed by God. Hugs.
Mon-14-Jul-2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by jocelyndixon
Dear Ashley,
That last part... I know the feeling. Can I hand my life, my body, my wants over to Him to control? Will everything be ok then? I wrestle with this on a regular basis and then I have girls asking me the same thing. All I can tell them is that He gives us many promises throughout His Word, reassuring us that he loves and cares for us. That His ways are higher than ours and in that we must place our trust.
Praying for you!
Blessings!
Miss Jocelyn
Tue-15-Jul-2008 - Oh Mrs. Ashley. :(
Posted by RachelsReasoning
I am so sorry you are feeling this way right now. I am the 3rd in a family of 10. there is four years almost in between me and Eric because I dad was deciding if he wanted more. I have always wanted a sister or brother that was only two years younger than I because we would have more in common. But, this is just from a 14yo's mind.
I love having a large family. Yes, we don't lots treats, treats that the world has. But we get to train our children up to know and love the Lord. Our treats are getting to hold the precious babies God blesses us with. We can have a garden and there are enough people to weed and care for it.
I am sorry you are going through this right now. I did not even know you were pregnant again, until Mom told me last night that you were getting discouraged. :( I hope maybe that I have given you a little more encouragement. You will be in my prayers. :)
With love,
Rachel
If you want, you can check out my new blog. http://dixonhomestead.com/rachel
Tue-15-Jul-2008 - My thoughts exactly!
Posted by Anonymous
I have been saying and praying and thinking just about word for word what you wrote in this post.
I have a son who is going to be 7 in August. Then I have a daughter who is 17months and another son who will be 3months this week. (14.5months between them) I homeschool and all that busy mommy stuff.
Thing is my beloved and I have been having a hard time "waiting" to get pregnant. And my body is aching from the back to back pregnancies (had a miscarriage before my daughter so I've been pregnant 3 times in 3yrs) There are days I can hardly move and I feel like breaking down...BUT God is STRONG in my weakness!
So before I ramble...I just want to say...THANK YOU for sharing and you really blessed me!!
God bless you!
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