Fri-11-Jul-2008 - Searchings . . . .
So lately I’ve done a lot of deep, painful soul-searching. Complicated, sometimes circular reasoning type of stuff.
Part of me, the deep-down, tiny inner core, pretty much knows that we are going to keep moving forward, step by scary step. But that part of me has pretty much been overwhelmed by doubt to the point where it is silenced for the last few weeks. It’s there, but the doubts and questions clamor so loud that I can’t hear it anymore, just barely feel it if I take the time to reach down and feel around for it. It’s such a tiny sliver right now.
The rest of me craves a reason for the madness. Not just a “this is what I want and will make me happy” or a “this will stretch me and grow my faith” or even “I’ve always wanted this” type of reason, but a reason I can believe in. Something that actually matters.
You see, I want a reason for having three children in three years. I want to believe there is a purpose other than my own desires and willful neglect and perhaps even lack of respect for my body. Or something like that.
Honestly, I’m healthy. I’m not yanking my hair out every day or even every-other-day. Taking it slow has to be one of the hardest things I’m ever asked to do, and this trimester has been full of that. I’ve had to prioritize, and honestly, I’m fine with that. Amongst this season of slowness, I’ve had lots of time to think, though! What if I had health problems, too? What if my husband was saying no more? What if spacing children, or preventing children, or intercepting children doesn’t matter? How much easier would my life be if I were expecting number two instead of number three? Would life be better? Does it matter if I reach out and take control and manipulate my body to and try to get it to do what I want it to do when I want it to?
So, I’m searching.
Both Eve and Jacob in the Bible thought that God was responsible for life, and that He was the giver of it. [Gen 4:1, 30:2] Where they wrong? Maybe it’s poetic or symbolic or something?
Both Adam and Eve, and Noah and his children were told, a total of three times, to be fruitful and multiply. [Gen. 1:28, 9:1,7] At the time, there were few people on the earth. Has that ‘suggestion’ expired somewhere – maybe once we hit a billion? In-between saying ‘be fruitful, multiply’ God also gives meat to eat, then says “be fruitful, multiply” again. Was that just to Noah and his sons? Should we all be vegetarian? There probably wasn’t that much plant-life growing directly after the Flood, so perhaps Noah and his children needed dietary supplementation . . . . the world’s population would fit inside
Leah and Rachel [Gen. 29:30-35, chapter 30], Abimelec the Gentile [
What does this mean? Is God in control? If He is, why doesn’t birth control fail more often? Or is it not God at all when it “fails” to control if you give birth or not?
Are children “good”? Are children “good” and “bad”? Are children blessings to those that want them, but when they are the result of an affair, when they occur in the midst of financial hardship, during the toughest semester of seminary school . . . are they still blessings? Or do they become accidents and mistakes and unfortunate?
When a child is the result of rape, incest, or are born with severe abnormalities, do they cease to be blessings and become monstrosities that should be prevented and erased?
As you can see I’m asking some hard questions . . . is it possible for the child that is the result of such sin to be a hidden blessing anyway? Or is a child in such circumstances the judgment of God in the shape of a constant, living reminder?
Or is this God giving rain to the just and unjust? Is it God showing us how to love our enemies and do good to them that hate us . . . . or are we simply told to love those that hate us when He doesn’t? Are sinners so despicable that He cannot love them, yet He commands us to . . . in order to show the Love of God, who is Love . . . but yet . . . .
Ah, you see the circular reasoning coming into play!
I have so many different pieces of different theologies floating about in my head and many of them conflict. It’s like I don’t want to take a stance unless I can give an answer to everyone about everything, least I be wrong on something. Ain’t gonna happen, but that’s where my thought pattern seems to stem from!
There are so many reasons not to have children.
“I can’t handle anymore.” I defiantly would have stopped with Samuel! Teaching him was (and might always be) a battle of wills. Teaching Elijah is actually fun! Yes, I can easily see myself with my hands full with Samuel. If it was only he and I, I couldn’t finger paint or take him to the park enough and there are so many things he’s “missing out on” . . . . back when I did all the entertaining myself being a mom was more stressful and took more time.
“It’s too hard.” I agree with you!!! Having two under two is difficult. Being pregnant again is so challenging I wonder sometimes if I’m sane. My problem is, I’m not sure if I’m only called to do the easy things in life . . . like having a child at all is ‘easy’ . . . haha! I can’t do this on my own strength. I don’t have the patience to be with small children all day. It’s growing me in ways and in areas I had no idea I needed to learn anything!
“We can’t afford kids yet.” Maybe we could have “afforded” Samuel, but we weren’t prepared to have our second spend 12 days in the NICU! Should we prepare in case our third goes to the NICU as well? Or just the ER like Elijah did last month? Or what? I have no idea what to plan for anymore!
I have a book – Tortured For His Faith by Haralan Popov. He was in prison 13 years for being a Christian. For most of it, I don’t think God gave him a mouthful more than he needed to stay alive and keep spreading the Gospel. Or maybe that wasn’t God’s provision. Maybe Popov’s physical requirements were less so he lived when his brother died – and it wasn’t God’s specific plan to keep him alive. Living or dying can be done unto God, and perhaps both are equal in all circumstances.
I hear bits of the Bible in my head, too. Jesus saying “suffer the children”. Jesus healed even Gentile children . . . . He made time for them. He made time for Mary and said the housework could wait . . . where do these fit into the bigger picture?
Oh, how I want to see God in everything! I want to see Him as I always have, in the leaves that clap their hands for joy in the wind for Him, in the rocks that would cry out if I closed my mouth; catch a glimpse of a fraction of His awesome power in the thunder. I want to see His attention to detail in the design of a duck feather, take joy that He has numbered the hairs of my head, and marvel that He sees each sparrow fall.
How huge, how unsearchable He is! How far beyond knowing are His ways.
Somewhere, in all my searching, I find rest in Him. I do not know the answers I seek, but He knows, and always has. All my faith can only be in Him . . . .
~Ashley~
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Fri-11-Jul-2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by CaraDD
Ashley, I thought all the thoughts you have been thinking. I didn't know what it all meant, but what we decided was that it isn't a sin to limit family size. We did the job permanently, though, so that there was never any chance of ending a life that had started. We had four children in 6 years and are so glad to have them all....and so glad we did stop. Your soul searching is good. Your spirit is open to God. When it comes down to it, we tend to put too much importance on things that don't effect eternity. Hang in there, you're doing good things, thinking good thoughts and seeking the Lord.
Fri-11-Jul-2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by mequit73
When my youngest son was born (we have 4 in 6 years), his "older siblings" were 1 and 2 and 6. I thought, too, I had lost my mind. To be perfectly honest with you, I had even considered in a moment of panic not having my youngest son, because I just did not see how financially, mentally, physically I could deal with 3 in diapers. I will not lie to you. That first year in particular was very difficult and looking back now I can remember little of it. It gets EASIER! I promise you. Just giving birth to your third will give you some control over you body again. Being pregnant that many times in a row can really take a toll on you. Go easy on yourself. I, like the other post before me, also had myself permanently fixed to prevent any further pregnancies. I thought at the time I was having number 4 that I had lost my mind! I would not change it for the world. It will be okay. Just hang in there and make sure you have daily contact with the outside world, accept every offer of help, and try to get some breaks in where you can catch some sleep.
Fri-11-Jul-2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by mamato8
you sound a bit like me a few years back!!!!!
Sat-12-Jul-2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Mandy Mom
This entry reminded me of a sermon from a visiting pastor not too long ago.
He was quoting a verse that we can be a curse to our children. We read of many places where people were a blessing to their children (Abraham, Issac, David...), but the bible also mentioned we can be a curse to our children...
And when I look around, I see people who have cursed their children. Sure they LOVE their children, but how ever we live OUR lives with affect how our children live THEIR lives... and our blessings can be "passed" to our children, as can our curses.
When we fail to live for God we CURSE our children. When we fail to train up our children (not just teach them, but disciple them) in the way of the Lord, we CURSE our children. When we teach them ANYTHING that CONTRADICTS the bible, we curse them.
It's a very intense thought... one that strikes fear in my own heart because I want to be a blessing to my children- a parent that draws them closer to the Lord.
Anyway..
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