Wed-2-Jul-2008 - Addendum To the Previous Post
I woke up pondering my thoughts today. We slept much better last night, so my head seems clearer.
My attitude has been, ‘Lord, if I wasn’t pregnant, I could have done this! I could have handled it!”
Like He really wanted me to handle it by myself!!!
If I wasn’t pregnant, I would have been a little less exhausted by broken sleep.
If I wasn’t pregnant, I probably wouldn’t have had the nausea issues standing in my way of drinking more fluids and trying to boost my milk supply so rapidly.
I wouldn’t have felt near so helpless and perhaps even prayed a bit less. I tend to have this mental image of myself as this very strong, capable woman. I manage and I cope and deep down inside, I figure if I don’t bother God with the little things, He’ll listen more when I need Him when the really big problems arise. He doesn’t need to be bothered with all my petty “complaints”. I can make it – I’ll muscle through it.
I look back and see how the events of the last three years have shaped me in a major way. I had so many assumptions and such a wonderful image of myself. I was the perfect, capable wife . . . and I knew it . . . . I wanted to control things and stay safe and comfortable and within my control.
And then our first pregnancy moved me into a realm I couldn’t control, and I moved relentlessly towards an event I couldn’t mentally fathom – labor and holding a newborn child in my arms. I knew fear for the first time in years and took baby-steps towards God. It was like learning to pray all over again as I learned a small lesson in humility.
The miscarriage brought me face-to-face with the fact that I’m a vessel; and I can’t control or hold onto the life within me.
Elijah’s conception, in my humble opinion at the time, was terrible timing. His pre-term arrival introduced me to a whole new level of dependence on God and I discovered that I’m really not as faithful as I think I am when things venture outside of what I feel is “normal”. And now I look at my son, and I know that God does all things well. I'm so thankful for Elijah, and that I trusted God's timing and didn't wait to feel healed mentally and emotionally before "risking" pregnancy again. God healed me, and taught me that He is always in control, even when we aren't . . . .
Right now, I forget how startled I was when I wasn’t due a month earlier, in December. I didn’t know that I would face something so scary with Elijah at 10+ weeks when I saw those breathtaking double lines. Who can plan for such things? God did know the future – He wasn’t surprised. I wonder to myself if He allowed much of this so that I would not walk these valleys alone on my own strength, so that I would not take “my” fertility and each child for granted, so that I would learn to depend on Him . . . .
When we decided to let go and take as many or as few children as God would give, we also began to desire to live more by faith. God gives life, He has given Jonathan a job, He has given us all that we have. We want to trust God through everything, to live by faith and not by what we see with our eyes.
I just didn't expect to start learning to trust Him through anything difficult so soon . . . .
~Ashley~
Comments
Wed-2-Jul-2008 - Wow!
Posted by chenny3
What an awesome post! I am like you in the respect I don't want to bother God with the small stuff. It's difficult for me to bring little things to Him in prayer. It's something to work on. Have a great day! Jennifer
Wed-2-Jul-2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Holly
I am so happy to hear your son is doing better. I just love reading your site! God Bless.
Wed-2-Jul-2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by gabbie427
Good post. God's timing is always perfect, even when we don't think so at the moment. And yes, he wants us to come to Him, even in the small things.
I seem to want to be in control of my life, and when I get too hands on, something will happen, that makes me wonder why was I trying to control things again. Why wasn't I letting God run my life??
Great post.
God's Blessings,
Amy Jo
Wed-2-Jul-2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by homeskoolmommy.blogspot.com
Wow! What an amazing post! That really made me do some soul searching and think about how much I really try to control myself, instead of giving it over to Him. Thank you for sharing your heart!
Sat-5-Jul-2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by MandyMom.com
:) Trusting him with fertility has led me to fully place my trust in him during this difficult time.. and as much as I want to be pregnant, if, in a week or so, I find out I'm not.. then I'll know it was God's planning... because it's probably NOT a great time for us to be pregnant, but.. if that's what God wants, then it IS the best time.
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